Hard Digest February 28: Economic Blackout, Early Access Sigur Rós, Love Bombing, Vid Kid, and More

Crust Punk Promises to Only Use Parents’ Credit Card for Essentials During Economic Blackout

By The Hard Times Staff 

PROVIDENCE, R.I — Local crust punk Phil “Sponge” Baker is planning on participating in today’s economic blackout by vowing to only use his parents’ credit card for essential purchases, itchy sources confirmed.

“Thankfully, I made sure to plan ahead. I filled up my car with gas and did a massive Whole Foods run last night. I installed a secret refrigerator in my closet so everything can be safely stored in there while I ride out the day. The timing of this blackout couldn’t be worse because my dad just gave me permission to buy a new guitar, and now I have to wait until Saturday,” said Baker while indulging in chocolate truffles. “But I guess that gives me more time to come up with the story I tell my roommates about how I shoplifted it from Guitar Center.”

Baker’s roommates all claim to know that he comes from wealth and use it to their advantage.

“When Phil started coming to shows he was the only kid who owned a Mercedes. That was the first clue. The second clue was when someone Googled him and found out his dad owns a private security firm that works with state prisons. The kid is loaded,” said Eddie Buchmann, a long time “friend” of Baker. “He’s the only guy we make pay rent, we told him all 12 of us pay $3,200 a month and he’s never once questioned it. And he buys all the groceries each week, he likes to make up cute little stories about how he stole everything and almost fought a security guard, but we know the truth.”

Sociologist Lisa Mason says the economic blackout could potentially be hard on crust punks funded by their parents.

“Roughly 75% of crusties are thought to have substantial trust funds. Hiding this fact from their closest friends takes time and money, and suddenly upending the capitalist structure of our society could forcibly reveal their secrets,” said Mason. “The best way for a rich crust punk to look legitimate is to call out other punks for being posers. On days like today we will see a lot of finger pointing and reputations could be ruined forever.”

At press time, Baker was relieved to find out the economic blackout had no effect on his parents paying for his cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, retirement plan, and improv classes.

Sigur Rós NBA Halftime Show Leads to Scoreless Third Quarter

By Courtney Hill 

LOS ANGELES — A halftime performance by Icelandic post-rock band Sigur Rós led to an unheard of scoreless third quarter between the Golden State Warriors and the Los Angeles Lakers, disoriented attendees reported.

“In 40 years of broadcasting I’ve never seen a halftime show kill the momentum of a basketball game quite like that,” legendary Lakers commentator Stu Lantz said of the ambient rock trio’s haunting performance. “By the time the last echo loop gave way to the start of the third quarter the once enthusiastic arena had become a frigid black void of eternal isolation. For the next twelve minutes, 20,000 lost souls looked on in silence as players wandered the court in a daze with seemingly no interest in playing the game at all. Ball movement was listless- even by regular season standards- with Steph Curry putting up the sole field goal attempt which arced well short of the rim. As time expired, Warriors power forward Draymond Green led a prayer in Old Norse for which he received a second technical and was promptly ejected from the game without protest.”

Veteran superstar LeBron James offered a player’s perspective on the effect Sigur Rós had on the atmosphere coming out of the locker room.

“Athletes feed off the energy of the crowd so we were immediately lulled into introspective oblivion,” James recalled with his head gently backlit by a halo of glowing frost. “As the superficial veil of ego disappeared, so did any concern for the game. Suddenly a half-court no-look ally-oop windmill dunk felt like a garish defilement of a quieter humility, so instead we took turns holding the mother orb whispering to her our most guarded secrets. Eventually we reentered our bodies and really lit it up in the 4th.”

Halftime coordinator, Stephanie Gill, offered some insight into what makes a successful show.

“The aim is to keep the crowd excited without upstaging the game itself,” Gill commented while in a tense bidding war over the lady who rides the giant unicycle and kicks bowls onto her head. “Obviously Sigur Rós took people on a deeper journey of the mind than perhaps a human cannonball would have, but I think the combination of collective rebirth and Dippin’ Dots made for an overall positive experience. Trust me, I’ve seen worse; Sufjan Stevens once opened the Stanley Cup and they had to push the whole series back a week so the competitive spirit could recover.”

At press time, Sigur Rós was spotted giving Joanna Newsom some pointers for her upcoming appearance at UFC 313.

Sad: Man Too Broke to Adequately Love Bomb Someone

By Dom Turek

With the rising costs of goods and women’s revitalized hatred of men, love bombing has become nearly impossible unless you’re a millionaire or one of those lucky guys who has a discernable jawline. Women these days have become so morally bankrupt that you basically need to be Brad Pitt to manipulate them in this day and age, and frankly, that’s sickening.

Local lovebomber Kevin Baldwin is experiencing this sad new phenomenon firsthand. “In the old days, you confessed your love to a girl on your second date, then showed up at her workplace unannounced with gifts you stole from Whole Foods, and she was yours. No questions asked.” Sadly, these methods no longer work and it’s becoming harder and harder for men to seduce women so they can eventually abuse and devalue them. Plus have you been to Whole Foods lately? It’s like a surveillance state in there.

From Paris to Maui to The Swiss Alps, there’s virtually no place Baldwin hasn’t promised to take his partners to with zero intention of ever following through. “It turns out empty promises just aren’t enough anymore.” Badlwin’s father would be rolling in his grave to see these entitled, vacation-obsessed women running amock. Back in his day all you had to do was lay your coat down over a dirty puddle or let someone skip you in the bread line, and bam! You were married that same day.”

Baldwin’s ability to sufficiently manipulate someone has suffered a series of setbacks as of late. After the world of online sports betting didn’t pan out to be as lucrative as previously thought, his mom removed him from the family phone plan and he found out he wasn’t an ideal candidate for hair plugs, it’s become difficult for him to isolate women from their community and convince them that they’re worthless.

Despite what every single one of his ex-girlfriends will tell you, he’s just a regular, well-adjusted guy who wants to love, spoil, and flatter his new partner into a submissive fugue state wherein she can be molded into a patchwork version of his mother, but that’s too much to ask for these days if you can’t cover the dinner bill. I guess fake nice guys finish last.

Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Removing Everyone but Kid Vid From Burger King Kids Club

By Steve Packosky 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order demanding Kid Vid be the sole member of the Burger King Kids Club, befuddled sources report.

“This will undo the damage caused by the Marxists and Radical Left thugs in the name of DEI,” Trump said while eating a Wendy’s Baconator. “Just last week a guy came up to me, a big, strong guy with tears in his eyes, asking me to do something about the discrimination fast food mascots are experiencing. These other members of the Burger King Kids Club were there solely because of the woke agenda of the Biden administration, and only by removing them can we truly claim that America is back. From now on, the decision to use a mascot will be based entirely on their ability to sell delicious cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes.”

Local 40-year-old and former member of Burger King Kids Club mailing list Tim Cassidy was absolutely shocked to hear of the President’s questionable actions.

“Is this club even still a thing?” Cassidy asked. “I had completely forgotten that even existed up until now. Honestly, I feel like there are more important things for President Trump to be worrying about. I’m pretty sure the war in Ukraine hasn’t ended yet, and prices at the grocery store are still pretty high. I don’t think ordering the white, blond guy to be the only remaining member of some defunct cartoon marketing campaign is going to address these issues.”

Constitutional expert LaTasha Miller provided her insight on the situation.

“To be perfectly frank, America is completely fucked at this point, so Trump might as well spend his efforts on this meaningless bullshit,” Miller said while throwing up her hands. “I would actually prefer he devote his time to things like this and renaming the Gulf of Mexico, because it’s less time he can spend causing irreparable harm to the Republic. Ever since he got elected, I’ve been saying the best possible scenario is him just playing golf on the taxpayer’s dime and occasionally making some idiot gesture on a culture war hot button so Fox News can relay it to the dipshits in his base. This one’s even more inane and absurd, because Burger King mascots definitely do not fall under the purview of the President.”

At press time, Trump was seen trying to determine whether Grimace was a minority after setting his sights on McDonaldland characters next.

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