Hard Digest February 25: Early Access Lisa Loeb, Wokeness, Undying Love, and More

Lisa Loeb Wins Local Record Store’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Award For 29th Year in a Row

By The Hard Times Staff 

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive year, excited sources confirmed.

“We asked all our employees and regular customers to give us a list of all the women that they think should be considered and when we tallied everything up it was 17 votes for Lisa, and two votes for Fiona Apple,” said Tables Turned owner Walter Pinsky. “We hope that Lisa will someday visit the store and pick up her award in person. But that’s a long shot because a few years back her lawyer sent us a letter stating we needed to stop trying to contact Lisa or they would press harassment charges. Kim Gordon won the award in 1992, she stopped by the store while on tour with Sonic Youth to pick up her trophy. She didn’t actually leave with it, she pulled a knife on me and said she will ‘Burn this hellhole to the ground’ if we ever say her name out loud again, it was amazing.”

Longtime customer Alan Lemond believes the system is rigged in favor of Loeb.

“Each year they watch the music video for ‘Stay (I Missed You)’ right before voting begins. Of course everyone is going to vote for Lisa once they see that. She’s got the voice of an angel, and glasses straight out of a ‘Farside’ comic strip that drive men wild,” said Lemond. “The fact that Kim Deal has never been in contention is criminal to me. A few years back I asked if we could listen to ‘Gigantic’ before we voted and they banned me from the store for five months. It feels like Lisa has her thumb on the scales. And don’t try to suggest going to the police, I tried that and the cops laughed me out of the precinct.”

Madison Marsh, the winner of the Miss America pageant in 2024, says she has seen multiple negative online comments from record store owners since her win.

“Winning Miss America was a dream come true, but unfortunately the internet can be an ugly place. There have been comments on Instagram and Youtube from older men in Radiohead shirts saying they wish I married Courtney Love. I’m not exactly sure who that is, or what that means, but it seems threatening,” said Marsh. “But these same guys send me DMs offering to buy my used socks for thousands of dollars. I wish there was a different internet that pretty women got to use that didn’t allow these freaks to have access to us.”

At press time, Turned Tables announced that J Mascis will receive their “Man of the Year” award for a record-setting 43rd year in a row.

Wokeness Gone Mad? I Had To Specify My Preferred Pronouns on This Sex Offender Registration Form

By Tim Sheard 

I’m old enough to remember a time when freedom of speech meant something in this country. Nowadays, our culture has been completely usurped by leftist lunatics who want to cancel us for even the slightest transgression, and we have to constantly walk on eggshells for fear of jeopardizing our livelihood because we offended some fragile little petunia with blue hair and a septum ring. It seems like every aspect of our daily lives has been infected by the woke mind virus. Case in point: today I went to register as a sex offender, and the form had a space for “Preferred Pronouns.”
Unbelievable.

Woke culture has officially pervaded every walk of life, which apparently now includes the Tallahassee Police Department’s sex offender registration form. Just the thought of it makes me sick. America used to have strong, Christian values, and now you can’t even fulfill the obligations bestowed upon you by the State for having accidentally exposed yourself in the Winn-Dixie produce department without having to put up with this liberal bullshit. If the AOC-loving commies want to subject themselves to such garbage, they’re more than welcome to keep it on CNN or MSNBC where it belongs. There’s absolutely no need to force it on those of us who still have some common sense along with our extensive lists of sex-related criminal offenses.

How many genders do liberals even think there are, anyway? Last I checked, there were two; God decides it at the moment of conception, and we continue that way our whole lives (that is, if our mothers are able to evade the godless Planned Parenthood butchers long enough for us to be born.) I should write “FUCK BIDEN” in this space just to irritate these nutjobs. I bet nobody’s ever thought to do something like that. I totally would if word of my doing so wouldn’t ultimately get back to my parole officer, which definitely wouldn’t end well for me. Also, Biden isn’t in office anymore, so a move like that wouldn’t necessarily have the same clout it would’ve had a year ago.

Speaking of which, THANK GOD Trump is President again. It’s good to know us sex offenders finally have some representation up in Washington. He’s vowed to bring common sense back to the United States, which we all can agree is something that’s been sorely lacking these past four years. I wanted to drive to his rally up in Macon this past November, but my ankle bracelet would’ve alerted the authorities that I was leaving the house.

Eh, I guess I’ll just play by their ridiculous rules for now and write “he/him” in this space. No sense in causing trouble when I’ve already done enough, you get me? And anyway, I fully plan on wearing my “Unvaxxed Lives Matter” shirt while I go door-to-door notifying my neighbors of my new status tomorrow. That’ll be sure to trigger some snowflakes.

Kinky Couple Makes Friends and Family Watch as They Pledge Undying Love to Each Other

By David Britton 

MESA, Ariz. — Local kinky couple Charles Huffman and Mallory Moore seemingly got aroused after coercing their friends and family to watch them profess their undying love for each other, confirmed sources who brought a plus one.

“What’s the big deal?!” Moore exclaimed. “Sometimes a girl just wants to put on a ball gown and slow dance with her own father in front of a large group of people! I mean seriously, how do the rest of you get off? Sure, we did a little role-playing at the altar where we only kissed when the priest instructed us to, and it just so happens to turn me on every time someone calls me Mrs. Huffman, but that doesn’t mean I am a part of some sort of community of fetishists who forces 75% of the people she knows to travel to Hawaii for a destination wedding. To be honest, it was kind of hot though.”

Moore’s longtime friend Bailey Pope seemed more disgusted than happy for her.

“Look, I’m no prude. I’ve done a little ass-to-mouth, sure, but at least everyone wanted to be there! And I certainly never asked my parents to watch!” said Pope. “I mean, first Mallory and whats-his-face got up there, going on and on about their relationship, like any of us care, and then we had to watch them kiss without our consent. And I’m not talking about some little peck on the cheek. It was tongues and everything! I felt like some sort of cuck being forced to watch. No wonder her grandmother was crying! Perverted freaks.”

Experts noted that the kinkiest of couples prefer a big wedding.

“This kind of behavior is surprisingly common in monogamous couples,” explained social anthropologist Dr. J Patrick Connolly of Indiana University. “They become so obsessed with their own relationship that they feel everyone else needs to sacrifice an entire Saturday to watch them prance about and talk about how special they are. In many instances, they will even send out a card to let people know they will be sending out a second card later to invite them. It would be sad if it weren’t so creepy. Weddings are basically equivalent to a sketch you’d see in a porno. In fact, ‘wedding’ is the most frequently searched keyword on PornHub.”

At press time, friends and family were even more horrified after watching Huffman feed Moore cake with his hands and removing her garter belt from her thigh before flinging it toward the crowd.

DEI Hires Removed From Chessboard

BY Nick Coffman 

ST. LOUIS — Donald Trump, with permission from President Elon Musk, has enacted his latest executive order, essentially removing all DEI hires from every chessboard in America. The US Chess Federation is currently adhering to the order, but plans to fight it in courts in the coming weeks. We took to chessboards across the country to see how chess pieces were feeling about Musk’s latest order.

“I think it’s about time we leveled the playing field,” said a white knight who happened to be a blood relative to the King. “The other side was just hiring black knights to fill a space. Those guys aren’t nearly as qualified as me when it comes to moving in L-shapes.”

The front row whites also showed excitement for the changes coming to the game. Every pawn we spoke to mentioned the ‘high hopes’ they had for their future on the board.

“This is a win for the little guy,” one white pawn said. “The chances of me making it to the other side and getting a promotion have gone way way way up. Maybe one day I can make it into the back row myself.”

Not all pieces are too happy about the new order. White Queen felt blindsided about the changes to the game.

“What the fuck, I’m considered DEI? I thought it was just the black pieces,” the white queen said. “This is bullshit. Who was moving around the board making all the moves? Me. Who was saving the sorry King from all the checks and from getting checkmated? Me. I worked my ass off for that side of the board and this is how I get thanked? Getting tossed aside in favor of some stupid moron who can only move one space at a time. Fuck you and fuck this game.”

At press time Trump had asked permission from President Musk to sign a new executive order, allowing the King to move wherever he wanted. Musk replied he would look into it.