Hard Digest February 24: Early Access Battle of the Bands, Rosie, Circle Pits, and More

Battle of the Bands Ends in Fragile Ceasefire Agreement

By Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources.

“As fragile and temporary as it may end up being, all the bands agreed to stop with onstage verbal attacks, which is a great first step,” explained event promoter Lou Esparza. “We’ll see what else comes of it but I just know we can’t go on like this. At the last Battle of the Bands, someone pulled the fire alarm as the winners were about to be announced. It was chaos. The record executives that were there to award the winners a six-album deal had seen enough and left. But finally, both sides agreed not to retaliate.”

EJ Raser, whose band Lefternal lost the battle, views the ceasefire as a small yet meaningful victory especially for newer groups trying to gain ground on the more veteran acts that make a living in the battle scene.

“This ceasefire is more than record contracts and notoriety, it represents an opportunity for us to secure basic rights—like a place of our own to store our gear. Right now, our instruments get shoved into the venue’s janitor closet all the way on the other side of the venue—it’s inhumane,” said Raser. “We bring in crowds. These veteran bands, because they’ve been doing this longer and receive funding from their industry allies to spend on larger and more expensive gear, cozy up to the promoter for prime spots on the bill and private areas to stash their gear and hang out.”

Jess Bassi, an expert in competitive band competitions, says this type of power struggle is common during these types of events.

“It becomes a volatile ecosystem where the entrenched veteran acts—backed by venue staff and promoters—assert dominance over the newer bands,” Bassi explained. “What complicates this is really a matter of perception versus reality. Sure, the newer bands bring in an audience of family and friends—and, in theory, their support—but that support often translates to nothing more than shaky vertical videos that end up on an Instagram story and go nowhere. So, while the ceasefire is a good step, until the younger acts get real, actionable support from their audiences—not just fleeting attempts at scoring imaginary internet points—nothing much will change.”

At press time, veteran Battle of the Bands act, Tuff Enuff, has agreed to promote an upcoming competition, which is a first for the group and a hopeful sign that peace may be possible.

Jesus Christ! Rosie O’Donnell Just Revealed That Every Koosh Ball She Launched Into Her Talk Show’s Audience Was Purposely Infected With Scarlet Fever

By Steve Packosky 

If you’re around millennial age, chances are pretty high that you got home from school every day to find your mother watching the newest episode of “The Rosie O’Donnell Show,” which aired for six seasons between 1996 and 2002. This seemingly banal variety talk show featured celebrity interviews, extended production scenes from topical Broadway shows, and jokes mailed in from children around the country. While the show itself was fairly nondescript amongst the sea of like-minded programs pervading the airwaves at the time, The Hard Times has recently discovered a sinister bit of information regarding its presenter.

It turns out the bubbly, chatty host occupying our living rooms for the better part of a decade was actually a diabolical bioterrorist. Good God!

Throughout certain episodes, O’Donnell (and sometimes the presumably unaware and well-intentioned guest) would launch Koosh balls into the audience, which was presented as a light-hearted gag and appeared to be well-received by those in attendance for the tapings. However, in a recent interview with People, O’Donnell admitted that every Koosh ball was purposely infected with Streptococcus pyogenes, colloquially known as scarlet fever. While the details of her access to this largely controlled scourge of the pre-antibiotic era are unknown, O’Donnell appears unapologetic for these heinous crimes, stating that her exasperation with being forced to repeatedly interview Barbara Streisand and the Spice Girls to entertain bored baby-boomers across America was the impetus for her reprehensible actions, Furthermore, she states that her only regret was that the show’s cancellation in 2002 prevented her from infecting more innocent bystanders.

Holy shit! Like you, we are completely stunned at the unrepentant and unabashed lens through which O’Donnell views her past atrocities.

Following these shocking and horrific admissions, epidemiologic investigators have been able to link four outbreaks of scarlet fever in midtown Manhattan that killed seven children in 1998 to tapings of the Rosie O’Donnell show at Rockefeller Studios, which tragically is not an exhaustive list of victims. As the coming weeks unfold, we are sure to see the true scale of suffering caused by the evil, vindictive trespasses of this disgruntled entertainer. One fact is certain amidst all the unknowns at this time: such behavior should not go unpunished.

Will there be justice for this unspeakably vile assault on the health of our country’s most vulnerable citizens? We’re unsure if a precedent even exists for a decades-old case of deliberate, Koosh ball-fueled spreading of harmful pathogens, but we can only pray that the statute of limitations has not run its course. Rosie O’Donnell may have brightened our moods consistently throughout the latter years of the nineties, but every day she enjoys outside the constraints of a jail cell is an absolute affront to the moral, legal and hygienic order of our society.

Punk Finishes 5K in Circle Pit

By James Webster 

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during a circle pit during a performance by local punk band Joe Cameltoe, confirmed sources who thought he made good time.

“Those 3.1 miles go real quick when you’re throwing fists in a counterclockwise motion,” said an out-of-breath Wilder. “According to my Fitbit I finished in 26 and a half minutes, which is my best time yet. However, this is nothing compared to the half marathon I accidentally ran during Riot Fest last year. In fact, I mainly go to shows for the health benefits. You can get in a really good workout just by violently swinging your arms backwards during a windmill. Plus, I never skip leg day so you’ll often see me spin-kicking in a mosh. Bonus points if I can get my foot high enough to crack someone’s jaw. Those are some serious calories burned.”

Friends of Wilder thought there were better ways to do cardio during a show.

“I actually prefer to get my exercise through stage diving. They say it’s easier on the joints and works out every muscle group in your body,” said Shelley Armstrong in her swimming trunks. “Running in a circle pit is very bad for your knees, according to one study that I read in 1975. Plus, you lose muscle mass by doing that much jogging. That’s why you would need to do double the amount of ‘picking up change’ moves if you want to maintain muscular glutes. Unfortunately, you need to limit circle pit cardio if you want to be jacked.”

Personal trainers typically recommend their clients attend shows featuring heavy bands.

“The gym can be extremely limited in what it can provide for you physically,” said fitness coach Michael Bonifer. “Sure, we have treadmills and elliptical machines, but if you really want to get your blood flowing you need to be attending shows that encourage movement and punching unsuspecting strangers in the back of the head. Hardcore and metal guys are some of the most fit people on the planet. However, they don’t look like it, but that’s mainly because of all the beer and Hot Pockets they eat. That will always offset any running you do.”

At press time, Wilder pulled a muscle during a circle pit and was forced to take three to five weeks off of running.

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“I Was Born In The Wrong Century,” Says Gamer Playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 Who Would Have Died by Age 10 in Medieval Period

BY Jus Kaplan

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Frank Liberelli is convinced his life would have been better in the early 15th century after playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2, despite the fact he would have certainly perished before his tenth birthday, sources confirm. 

“Frank got some new game on Steam and he won’t shut up about how great it must have been to live like a Bohemian in the Middle Ages,” says roommate Jeremy Hernandez. 

“Dude’s got asthma and without his glasses he’s legally not allowed to drive. Does he really think he could fight off a thief while wearing 100 pounds of armor on horseback? Hell no.  And that’s assuming he didn’t die of the Black Plague as a toddler, which he totally would have–I’ve never seen this guy wash his hands in the three years we’ve lived together.”

Still, Liberelli continues to pine for a medieval life. 

“This game makes it clear I was meant to live in the era of potions and alchemy, not this wretched timeline run by Big Pharma and for-profit hospital conglomerates,” said Liberelli, who takes three medications each morning. “I yearn for heroic quests like Henry of Skalitz–my adventurous spirit alone would have kept me alive well into my sixties, methinks.”

Carla Liberelli, Frank’s mom, says there’s no use in trying to convince him otherwise. 

“To be honest, my Franky has always been drawn to the fantastical. He used to think he would become a secret agent or Navy SEAL sniper when he grew up. But he’s deathly allergic to 27 different things, including grass.  I told him the odds of getting selected for any job where he’d have to even touch grass at all were slim to none, but he never gave up hope. 

At press time, Liberelli was busy daydreaming about hunting wild boar while eating an ultra-processed meal containing zero ingredients that were available in the 1400s.