Hard Digest February 22: Early Access Kirk Hammett, Godsmack, and Anarchists

Kirk Hammett Officially Announced as Metallica’s Lead Guitarist After Successful Completion of 42-Year Probationary Period

By Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year probationary period, sources confirmed.

“I thought this day would never come,” Hammett commented. “I’ve been waiting for this announcement every day since I was 20 years old. Honestly, I’ve been a little worried ever since James and Lars told me we weren’t going to record any leads on ‘St. Anger’ back in 2003. I was convinced they weren’t going to let me in the band that day, but we ended up finishing that album, which I think is one of our best, without issue. I can’t wait to call my old buddies from Exodus to tell them the news. They’re not going to believe it!”

Metallica frontman James Hetfield thought it was finally time to make the decision.

“We weren’t so sure about Kirk when he first started playing with us, but he’s really come into his own in Metallica,” Hetfield provided while struggling to hold onto an armful of Armani bags from a recent shopping excursion. “If I’m being honest, Kirk’s first few performance reviews weren’t that great, and we considered parting ways with him shortly after we recorded ‘Master of Puppets.’ Then Cliff passed away and we didn’t want to have to look for a new guitarist as well as a bassist, so we just decided to stick with Kirk. It wasn’t until he approached me the other day asking for a professional reference for a job application to Best Buy that I realized we never made him an official member.”

Former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine was distraught to hear the news.

“What do you mean, I didn’t get the job?” Mustaine griped. “I just thought Kirk was an interim player until they gathered the guts to ask me to rejoin. I’ve really been pulling for him to not work out over the past four decades. I can play circles around Kirk, and I’ve showed that I can be in a band without getting kicked out for being obnoxious and unreliable. I don’t know what more the guys in Metallica could ask for. I guess I’ll just go back to playing in Megadeth, but that’s really been more of a backup plan than anything else.”

At press time, Jason Newsted was thinking of ending his sabbatical and returning to bass duties in Metallica.

5 Tips for Attracting and Retaining Top Talent Into Your Godsmack Tribute Band

By Steve Packosky 

Employers need to be consistently sure that they’re checking every box to ensure the field’s best professionals are not only drawn to their businesses, but fulfilled and content once they’ve signed on. This is truer now than at any other time in recent memory, as the Great Resignation of 2021 showed us that employee attrition can happen at any time, and at a much greater scale than previously thought possible.

These same principals can be applied to your nascent Godsmack tribute band. You’ve compiled an eager group of backing musicians who have collectively perfected the Drop D-tuned riffage and soulpatch-infused attitude needed to excel in today’s climate of semi-ironic nu-metal nostalgia. The only thing missing is the perfect Layne Staley-imitating lead singer. Here are 5 tips to make sure you’re able to snag and hold on to the best your area has to offer!

1. Strengthen your brand

You need to be aware of the target audience here. Sure, “Demigodsmack” is actually a pretty good pun for a band name, but do you really think an aspiring Godsmack tribute band singer appreciates such wittiness? Try something simpler, with a bit of an edge to it. “Godfuckinsmack” or “God Bitchslap” should serve as eye-catching band names that any prospective frontman would be happy to join, provided doing so doesn’t violate the conditions of his parole. Remember, you’re not looking for a Pulitzer Prize-winning wordsmith here, so don’t waste too much time coming up with something clever when it’s just going to go over the head of your prospective new member.

2. Incentivize with appropriate on-site job perks

This will work wonders in enticing the perfect singer, and contrary to what you may be dreading, it won’t break the bank! A simple line added to your Craiglist ad mentioning that the rehearsal space is perpetually stocked with Busch Lite and Slim Jims will effectively triple the responses you get in the first week. Also, now’s the time for you and your bandmates to take up smoking Camel No Filters, as knowing he’ll always have someone to bum a smoke from will definitely increase the likelihood that a top-tier Godsmack-emulating singer will want to join. If any current members take umbrage with the new smoking requirement, kindly inform them they’re no longer needed and expand your search accordingly.

3. Develop an effective onboarding process

Any new member is going to be a little timid in his first days, so it’s necessary to have a system in place to make sure he’s gradually incorporated into the band while given the tools and information he’ll need to be at the top of his game come showtime. Consider enacting a mentorship program with a more senior band member acting as a guiding force both in and out of the band, whether the issue is difficulty remembering song lyrics or apprehension over the possibility of getting caught with that dirtbike he stole from the Boston Market parking lot. Remembering that his problems are your problems is paramount to your band performing at its full potential.

4. Prioritize member engagement

Do your members look forward to weekly practice, or do they anticipate it with dread, boredom, or some combination thereof? Make sure the experience is fun for everyone by scheduling team-building activities centered around shared behavior, such as petty theft from the local 7-11 or the irresponsible mishandling of fireworks. Having a fun group activity to look forward to will motivate your new member to come to practice, particularly in the early days when your bassist keeps fucking up the intro licks to “Voodoo.”

5. Emphasize career progression

Your first show might be at an empty firehall, but you might end up opening for a Mudvayne tribute band someday. A shared goal between all members is important in taking the band to where you want it to be, so make sure the new singer is aware of this from his first day of practice onward. Don’t be afraid to aim high, either! Having your music played in a Navy commercial like the band you’re emulating may seem like a lofty goal, but you’re sure to land among the stars even if you miss the moon!
There you have it. By following these simple, common-sense tips, you can make sure your Godsmack tribute band dominates your local nu-metal scene for as long as you’re able to stay out of jail. Good luck!

Anarchist Refuses to Answer Survey About His Experience at OfficeMax

By Josh Fernandez

SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources.

“I simply refuse to let the ruling class tell me what to do in the third largest office supply retailer in the country,” said Greggors as he tried but failed to unsubscribe to the store’s email distribution list. “Just because I had to buy more cyan and magenta cartridges for my color printer, doesn’t mean I want to willingly take part in the corporatocracy of America. Sure, Kevin did wonders helping me locate the exact HP ink I needed and I really do hope he gets that promotion he’s up for, so I just had to leave a glowing, 600-word Google review about his efforts. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to fill out a five-question survey. Go to Hell, OfficeMax.”

Friends of Greggors were getting a little tired of him taking stances against local retail stores.

“Tommy tries really hard to protest corporations, but the only things it’s damaging are his friendships,” said Jenn Plywater. “Last week he asked me to purchase a 50-inch television for him from Best Buy and he would reimburse me, all because he said he didn’t want to personally participate as a cog in the wheel of ‘late-stage capitalism.’ I don’t think he knows how capitalism works. That’s why I pocketed the money he gave me and instead supplied him with my 10-year-old, 26-inch Visio. He’ll never know the difference. Anarchists notoriously do not know how to use a ruler so he’ll never check the screen size.”

Experts did not seem to respect the anarchic movement.

“Anarchists are constantly putting their energy into things that won’t make progress on their agenda,” said political strategist Victoria Martin. “In theory, they’d like to eradicate institutions that seek to perpetuate authority and hierarchy. But in reality, they’d just like to see the iPad tip screen abolished. Also, If we want to take anarchists seriously they have to start holding political office. But unfortunately they’d have to buy a suit and dress shoes for that. If we know anything about anarchists, they hate Men’s Wearhouse.”

At press time, Greggors had no choice but to delete Instagram from his phone after a notification pop-up asked him, “Are you enjoying this app?”