Hard Digest February 20: Early Access Steely Dan, BAC, Coke Dick, and More

Man Who Spent 40 Minutes Talking About Steely Dan on First Date Confident It Went Great

By Ryan Dondero 

DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan, for approximately 40 minutes, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I really don’t think it could have gone any better,” said the clueless Hensley. “Her interest in Steely Dan was so intense that she barely said a word the entire date! Rachel was so generous with our time together that I was able to tell both the long version of the story of the dbx noise reduction system failure on ‘Katy Lied’ and speak at length about how Alfred Bester and Norman Mailer influenced the lyrics of ‘Deacon Blues.’ She was so captivated that she only took two 15-minute bathroom breaks the whole date!”

Caldwell, a marketing analyst and Dave’s date, described the date very differently.

“Oh wow. He thought it went well? Yikes,” said Caldwell. “Don’t get me wrong; Dave seems like a really nice guy, and his passion for this band is obvious, but this was maybe the worst date I’ve ever been on. He seemed perfectly normal on his dating profile, but once he started talking about Steely Dan, it was like he was possessed. He physically could not stop. He kept making this joke about how he’s ‘never gonna do it without the fez on’? I don’t know, man. Ultimately, I learned more about Walter Becker’s guitar collection than I did about Dave.”

Martin Corbin, the waiter at Maple & Vine who served Hensley and Caldwell, could tell the date wasn’t going well within the first five minutes.

“It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. The entire wait staff was transfixed by the sight of the two of them,” said Corbin. “I love Steely Dan, but I would never talk ad nauseam about them on a first date. At one point, Dave was miming the guitar solo to ‘Kid Charlemagne’ at the table, and I just want to say, for a so-called ‘super fan,’ he really failed to capture the subtleties of Larry Carlton’s playing. I mean, if you’re going to embarrass yourself publicly by doing an air guitar bit, at least get it right.”

At press time, Hensley was busy assembling a five-hour YouTube playlist of “essential” Steely Dan demos to share with Caldwell on their second date.

Wrongful Termination? The Legal BAC is .08 But I Just Got Fired For Blowing .07

By Drew Gigis 

The judiciary system of the United States of America was established on September 24th, 1789 to protect the rights of our nation’s citizens and it has repeatedly been mocked, most recently in my complete unlawful firing from Cobblestone Rehabilitation Facility.

I arrived at work on January 21st a mere 2 hours late and was subject to, an unconstitutional I might add, sobriety test. I was absolutely irate. I fully believe this was a backlash after being accused of stealing cold medicine from the site’s clinic. The investigation was inconclusive so they were unable to take action against me, but then this incident conveniently took place.

I informed the administrator of my pigeon toe condition which leaves me unable to walk in a straight line and it was disregarded. I was humiliated as I was forced to attempt impossible tasks such as standing on one foot for an entire 15 seconds and reciting the alphabet in its entirety without any pauses. Once it was deemed that I had failed these egregious tests I was forced to blow.

I felt fully vindicated when the breathalyzer device showed I had a blood alcohol content of .07 and was not in fact intoxicated at my post. I was then called into the office of my immediate supervisor and relieved from my position.

I was stunned. My home state’s regulations clearly read that .08 BAC is the level that would result in arrest. I cannot understand any justification for my firing as I was obviously well under the legal limit. My former employer now has the nerve to deny me unemployment benefits on top of all of it. I have submitted my case to several wrongful termination lawyers to no avail. I am currently in the process of appealing to the state on my own accord to right this incredible wrong but the state Attorney General seems to be refusing to respond to my dozens of emails.

I assure you I will win this case when it is brought to trial. I will also be suing for emotional damages as the stress of this incident has resulted in a dependency on alcohol so severe that my family forced me into the very rehab facility that brought about this whole situation. I will not rest until I take everything these criminals own and restore my good name.

Punk Starts Non-Profit Dedicated to Finding a Cure for Coke Dick

By Dan Rice 

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local punk Pattie “Two Dollar” O’Malley set up a foundation dedicated to researching and curing “coke dick,” a condition that renders victims incapable of maintaining erections after binging cocaine and other amphetamines, confirmed sources.

“For too long the stigma of having coke dick has prevented scientists from getting the resources they need to combat this terrible affliction,” said a visibly haggard and bloodshot O’Malley. “We’re talking about a disease that affects thousands of dudes just trying to have a good time. Not me, but a lot of dudes I know, who are solid. To date the only treatment has been ‘Don’t party so much.’ Maybe that works for some nerd-ass doctor, but not for me and not for my crew. If you’ve been up blasting rails for the last three days and it’s taking everything you’ve got not to cry in front of your chick ‘cause you’re pushin’ rope, know that Hard-Cure is here to help.”

While Hard-Cure’s mission statement promises a future free from coke-related impotence, Chief Researcher “Doctor” Rusty Blaze says the road ahead, unlike the phallus of a cokehead, will be long and hard.

“There’s still so little we actually know about coke dick. What causes it? Why does the straight edge community seem immune? Who actually shot JFK and why, was it the mob? The CIA?” said Blaze. “So far all we really know is I can see God when I try to sleep and these Hims pills don’t do shit. Anyway, who wants to hit up a diner? I’m buyin’! You gotta spot me though, I’m not liquid at the moment.”

Some have criticized the foundation as a waste of resources.

“With everything going on in the world right now, it’s disgusting that this is what Pattie is putting his money into,” said scene veteran Beka Rush. “I can think of way better ways for him to use that money, like donating to the ACLU or giving me back that 60 buck he owes me! If not that, maybe his back due child support or better yet, more coke. That stuff’s expensive and it’s always a wise investment, at least for the next 12 hours.”

At press time, the organization already raised several times its startup capital with a confirmed multi-million dollar donation from Mickey Rourke and the relocation of all EPA funding by President Donald Trump.

Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring Twitter Profitable

BY Corey Arder 

WASHINGTON — In a real turnaround from its decades of financial ruin, President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring that, actually, Twitter is, always has been and always will be, profitable and that there’s “nothing the woke DEI mob can do to stop it.”

“Today marks a momentously momentous moment in our Glorious Great Nation’s Extensive History, as the greatest social media platform of all time moves out from under the very wrong, very bad, very incorrect notion that it’s ‘a digital pit for setting real money on fire’ and is ‘overrun with bots that neither spend money on advertised products nor accurately account for the goings-on of reality,’ and into the 20th century as the MOST PROFITABLE AND BEST PLATFORM EVER,” The President posted exclusively to Truth Social immediately after signing the order.

Elon Musk, Twitter owner, CEO, and catalyst for a mass-exodus of advertisers, was ecstatic at the news.

“Honestly, after spending billions of dollars to prove I was shadow-banned, a real thing I am still fighting and will never give up on, I’m just happy and thrilled that reality has finally caught up to what I’ve always known in my heart and my gut: I have money, I’m right. No one else is more right than me.” Musk later clarified that the President had potential to be more right than him, under the correct circumstances.

DOGE officials celebrated the move, releasing terabytes of private information freely onto the platform in celebration.

“There was a great man who carried the wisdom of our forebears and founders when he said: If the President does it, it’s not a crime. I believe his name was Ronald Milhouse Reagan and his reich will last a thousand years!” the official later clarified he meant “reich” in the traditional Autistic twitch/Roman sense.

At press time, Congressional Democrats assured voters that with a few dollars more, they could start to look into the legality of any of this.

Nosferatu 4K UHD to Include Post-Coital Cigarette

BY Nick Coffman 

LOS ANGELES — Physical media fans getting their hands on the 4k UHD of Nosferatu this week will be in for a surprise when they open their steelbook to find a single Marlboro Red cigarette.

Writer and Director, Robert Eggers, appeared on a promotional video on Twitter to announce the groundbreaking special feature in length.

“We’ve partnered with Philip Morris International to deliver a home viewing experience like no other,” Egger’s said before taking a long drag of a cigarette. “Included with each steelbook is a single loosey for your movie viewing enjoyment. Take a puff after each sex scene in Nosferatu and get that post-plow release that only Marlboro Red can give you.”

The video then depicts Egger’s enjoying his cigarette in silence. His eyes pierce the lens of the camera, as if he’s staring into the viewer’s soul. He finishes his cigarette, pulls out a copy of Nosferatu, and retrieves another Marlboro Red from the steelbook. 

“Nosferatu is a loveletter to my hardcore sickos,” Eggers said, flicking ashes from his cigarette into a steelbook. “Eggheads were tired of all my sex depraved characters. It reminded them of all the sex they weren’t having. So I caved and made a sexy movie full of sex. But now the fans are reminded even more of all the sex they’re not having. So, uh, the cigarettes are an apology to my sexless fans. Did I mention they were in the room with us when we filmed the sex scenes? Yep, even the one with the dead body. Now leave me alone, I’m off to make a movie about a sexless werewolf.”

Egger’s finishes another cigarette and pulls out another steelbook. He lights his third Marlboro Red as the disclaimer plays him off.

“Robert Eggers does not condone necrophilia or smoking tobacco,” the disembodied voice said at lightspeed. “You will never look as cool as Robert Eggers smoking a Marlboro Red, so don’t even try. If you’re thinking about watching Noseferatu and then complaining about inconsistencies on IMDB, please stick your feedback up your ass. Annoying Letterboxd reviewers should consider smoking a pack a day until they die.”

At press time, Eggers tweeted an image from the set of his latest film depicting a werewolf wearing a chastity belt, with the caption “Back to my roots.”