Hard Digest February 12: Early Access Anxiety, Death Grips, Frontmen, and More

Man’s Debilitating Social Anxiety Mistaken for Cool Indifference

By The Hard Times Staff 

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Friends and family of local man Rick Winston marveled at his nonchalant attitude about attending highly anticipated social events without realizing it’s actually due to severe social anxiety, sources confirmed.

“Rick is the man. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. While everyone else is out partying, creating memories that will last a lifetime, and expanding their social circle, he just stays at home and works on jigsaw puzzles. That’s a boss move,” said Eddie Greeley, Winston’s former roommate. “He’s just such a mystery. He talks your ear off when you hang out with him alone, and the last time we hung out he made me laugh so hard I ruptured a blood vessel in my eye. But he vanishes into thin air whenever there are more than four people in a room; it’s crazy. And he legitimately doesn’t care about any of the cool new coffee shops in town, he just goes to the same Dunkin’ Donuts he’s gone to since he was 11 and orders the same exact thing every day.”

Winston admits he does not have such a positive outlook on his social life.

“It’s been this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always just felt like I was bothering people, and I find it easier just to stay home and rewatch ‘The X-Files’ for the 40th time rather than force someone to talk to me. I’ve got my tight circle of two friends, that’s all I really need,” said Winston while scouring the internet for vintage “The Simpsons” toys. “But I am really jealous of people who live their life without fear. People who can just walk into buildings and be like ‘I have an appointment’ rather than sit in their car in the parking lot for six hours trying to work up the courage to go inside.”

Sociologist Keira Guinin says many people like Winston suffer in silence while the outside world perceives them to be some sort of counter-culture badass.

“I’ve observed it more times than I can count, every friend group has at least one person who seemingly refuses to leave the house. Because this person is never around, everyone else will make up stories that are way cooler than reality,” said Guinin. “Typically the mysterious friend is not doing a solo road trip across the Southwest to work on their book of short stories. They are at home, in their sweatpants looking at cat litter reviews on Amazon to try to make their apartment a little less stinky.”

At press time, friends of Winston mistook a suicidal text he sent to an ex as a funny joke, rather than a desperate cry for help.

How To Explain to Your Family That, Yes, Death Grips Is Appropriate for Karaoke

By Victor Gonzalez 

It’s almost inevitable that at some point in life, a member of each family brings over a karaoke machine. Karaoke is meant to help us set aside our differences in politics and religion, and have everyone sing along to their favorite tunes together. From classic songs by Queen, ABBA, and Backstreet Boys, we’ve all heard these songs over and over again. You feel like there needs to be a change. And you know just the right band to do it: Death Grips.

Not everyone sees the vision. Sometimes we need a little gentle nudge, shove, or kick towards the right direction. Here at the Hard Times we compiled a list of strategies to help you convince your family to let you take over karaoke night with the poetic lyrics of MC Ride.

Emphasizing that Death Grips is really about family bonding and connecting.

The band has been through thick and thin. With constant backlash over lyrics and imagery, the band has stuck together, showing that their bond is as strong as a family bond. They’re one of the most polarizing modern bands, but they ignore the haters, showing you that you too can overcome the criticisms of your life choices by your family and squeeze your way back into their life. The band also broke up in 2014, only to get back together in 2015, meaning that it is possible to settle your differences and reunite. So maybe there’s hope that your family will stop hanging out without you again.

Highlight some iconic lyrics from the band.

You have to let your family know that the lyrics of Death Grips are really on par with the most iconic lyrics from Bruce Springsteen or The Beatles. “Responsibility’s cool, but there’s more things in life like getting your dick rode all fucking night.”, There can’t possibly be any better lyric that encapsulates the state of society today than this. This lyric is the raw truth about the joys in life.

Or how about the line “You need a lift? You can sit between the backseat of my dick”. If you sing this while making direct eye contact with your ultra-conservative sister-in-law, they’ll know you mean business. Most people never thought that combination of words could ever go together – that’s why these lyrics are better than anything your family is used to. Checkmate Bob Dylan!

Even the Beatles admitted that their lyrics were just a bunch of gibberish, stream-of-consciousness phrases put together. Like really, does anyone know what Hey Jude is even about? Tell your family to get with the times and hop on board the MC Ride train.

Show them music videos and live performances.

Sometimes hearing it isn’t enough. You have to show, not tell. And you know how much people love it when you pull out your phone saying “Watch this video,” holding them hostage for the next fifteen minutes. You can start off the same way most of us were introduced to the band, by showing them the music video for “Guillotine”. However, if you show them the video for “You might think he loves you for your money but I know what he really loves you for…” with nearly three minutes of a close up of MC Ride’s face, they’ll feel even more connected to the artists and won’t be able to turn down a song or two. Hell, throw in a few rave reviews from Anthony Fantano to show them you’re not the only one who likes this band.

Remind them how passionate the band is.

There’s no denying the electric energy from MC Ride’s performances and Zach Hill’s drumming that these guys are passionate at what they do. If you show them live clips of Zach Hill’s intense and passionate drumming skills it’ll remind them of John Bonham, which is a foolproof way of getting them on your side.
When you put on a Death Grips song, you can’t perform it as stiff as a rock. You have to match their energy. With the proper emulated passion from singing their songs for karaoke night, you’ll have your grandmother crowd-surfing in the living room in no time.

Following these guidelines could help you out the same way it helped local piano de-tuner, Dan Shepherd, rekindle his relationship with his family, who now celebrates a monthly Death Grips karaoke night every third Friday of the month.

Frontman Accidentally Lets Out Best Scream of Career After Requesting Representative on Customer Service Call

By Tyler Roland 

FORT WORTH, Texas — Local metal frontman Frank Fortibus inadvertently let out the best scream of his entire career during a call with customer service, deafened sources report.

“Well, they always have you talking to some machine, and that wasn’t gonna cut it,” said Fortibus, lead singer of Tungsten Hound. “And they can’t hear for shit, plus they take you through, like, 10 goddamn menus and make you press a bunch of numbers. I really had to make it known that a representative was what I was after. So I let it rip. Unfortunately, that was the best fucking scream I ever laid down. Really kicking myself for not calling in the studio. Over 500 performances with my band, and this topped them all. Next show I’ll be sure to call my credit card company to get in the right frame of mind.”

Fortibus’ bandmates were upset that the singer hadn’t put his outburst to proper use.

“We really needed this kind of vocal enthusiasm when we were at our show in Denton the other week,” guitarist Darrell Haynes complained. “Frank sounded like he had merely stubbed his toe the whole night when we really needed him to act like he’d been on hold for two hours only to be hung up on in the end. Like, he sounded fine, but that’s not going to resonate with our audiences. He’s gotta harness this negative energy and think of this moment every night from now on.”

Professional vocal coach Riley Hale believes that this experience is valuable for all performers to keep in mind.

“It’s important to envision real-life scenarios like this on stage,” Hale said. “With bass players, if they imagine they’re playing a song they wrote themselves, that leads to a much more energetic performance. Likewise with singers. It’s all about getting to that primal core of yourself. These heavier bands need to take a trip to the DMV for inspiration. Or, they can drive during rush hour to really unlock their inner aggression. Some of the most prominent lead singers of our time were made during traffic.”

At press time, Tungsten Hound were writing a new song with a sample of an automated “Your call is important to us, please hold” message before the breakdown.

Visibly Aroused Phil Spencer Sits in Corner Watching Xbox Game Played on PS5

BY Simon Bower 

REDMOND, Wash — Local gamer Billie Reed was surprised late last night when they noticed Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer watching from a dimly lit corner of the room while they played a first-party Xbox game on their PlayStation 5.

“I’d heard a lot of good things about Pentiment, so when I saw it was 50% off on PlayStation I figured I’d pick it up,” Reed posted to social media. “Almost immediately I started to hear these weird groaning sounds…but since the game’s set in medieval Bavaria I thought maybe that was just the voice-acting? It was only when I went to quit the game and a voice behind me moaned ‘please, don’t stop’ that I turned around and saw Phil Spencer, seated in an armchair in the corner, face lit only by the glow of the cigarette dangling from his lips. ‘Don’t look at me,’ he whimpered, ‘just keep playing.’”

Reed went on to describe in detail how Spencer, dressed in a Battletoads T-shirt and nothing else, seemed to take perverse pleasure in watching them play the formerly Xbox-exclusive narrative adventure game on what he repeatedly described as a “superior hunk of hardware”.

“As I played, he kept talking about how I could have gotten this game for free on Game Pass,” Reed continued, “Then he asked if I had a Nintendo Switch, and when I told him I didn’t, he transferred $1000 to my bank account so that he could watch me order one, along with a copy of Hi-Fi Rush. Leaning over my shoulder, he whispered ‘You know we put out that game, it was a big success and then we shut down the studio anyway? We’re soooo naughty.’”

At a press conference earlier today, the Microsoft Gaming CEO breathily explained that he sees this kind of console cuckoldry as the future of the industry.

“I know some Xbox fans are concerned as they watch me watch more of our IP ported to stronger, more virile consoles,” began Spencer after unzipping the mouth of his gimp mask, “Our dream is that this leads to a more polyamorous future for gaming: where Neil Druckmann can lay handcuffed to his bed watching The Last of Us Part II on a Switch 2, or Shigeru Miyamoto can self-flagellate while you play Super Mario Odyssey on whatever our next Xbox is called.” Spencer began grinding the podium as he continued. “But our naughty little consoles haven’t earned that yet, so no matter how much we beg and plead for Sony and Nintendo to give us what we want, Xbox isn’t going to get that release it – oh god – so desperately needs.”

At press time, Spencer could be heard ferociously moaning from the bathroom after the topic of Halo coming to PS5 was brought up.