Hard Digest February 11: Early Access Interpol, Danzig, Bravery, and More

Interpol Announces Plans to Take Off Sunglasses

By Peyton Cabral

NEW YORK — Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years, confirmed sources who finally just got used to their slick on-stage look.

“For decades we’ve been a band with an impeccable fashion sense, so we figured it was about time to reveal our eyeballs to our fans,” said lead singer Paul Banks while putting on his “around the house” suit vest. “Besides, I haven’t been able to see a goddamn thing on stage since Obama was in office. Don’t worry, we are still going to be wearing our signature suits, so if you were wondering what we look like in t-shirts and shorts, you’re just going to have to wait until we are a little more comfortable being so vulnerable. That being said, we still plan on wearing our shades during summer when it’s sunny. However, the ties stay on at the beach regardless.”

Fans of the band couldn’t be more excited after the announcement.

“Finally, I’ll get to see if they actually have eyebrows. My friends and I have been debating that since we were kids,” said Interpol enthusiast Gina Vamillion. “Whenever I see them live, it’s like I’m watching a bunch of secret service agents play instruments. Sure, it looks cool as hell in the middle of ‘Untitled’ or ‘Obstacle 1’ but at some point I want to see some eyelashes and pupils. For all I know they haven’t had eyes this whole time. I was really starting to wonder about the facial structure of those guys, but this announcement should clear up all my questions.”

Experts weren’t too sure how this would affect the band’s image.

“Once a band nails down their iconic look, it’s very hard for them to successfully change course,” said music historian Ronnie Dengal. “KISS once famously took off their makeup and fans quickly realized they were nothing but talentless hacks. Red Hot Chili Peppers one day stopped wearing socks on their genitals and fans immediately felt slighted because it was the only thing the band had going for it. Not saying Interpol shedding their eyewear is equivalent, but history is not kind to bands that alter their fashion choices. As fans, we don’t want a diverse wardrobe. We want familiarity.”

At press time, Interpol also announced they would start wearing bifocal and progressive lenses, but not for stylistic purposes.

Relapse? I Just Saw Glenn Danzig at My Goddamn Son of a Bitch Anonymous Meeting

By Sidney Conant 

Following years of penning autobiographical depictions of killing babies and stealing the toes and teeth of girls at Lovers Lane, Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig famously renounced his violent past in the chorus of the song “Where Eagles Dare,” and it changed my life. You see, it takes a lot to admit that you have a problem, and hearing Danzig’s heartfelt, public moment of self-reflection is what finally gave me the courage I needed to seek help myself, and I could not be happier.

I’ve been a proud member of my local Goddamn Son of a Bitch Anonymous fellowship for the past five years now, and if you told me that the man who helped me get to where I am today would eventually be staring me down at my own meeting, I wouldn’t have believed you. But does anyone, like, know why he’s here? Relapse? What’s this guy’s deal?

Things started off with a brief round of introductions consisting of first names and the last thing we did that made us a goddamn son of a bitch. Danzig—or “Would You Leave Me the Fuck Alone, Jesus Christ”, as he wished to be called—just sat there, stonefaced, reading a Wolverine comic, and I couldn’t help but be curious. Did he fall off the wagon by getting someone’s blood and ripping their throat? That’s happened to everyone here at GDSOBA at least once, so we get it.

Now I know how hard it is to talk about your checkered past with someone who isn’t your lawyer, so I like to bring in some snackage for all the guys. But even though I brought more than enough donuts for everyone, Danzig wouldn’t let my buddy Mark have two apple fritters so they started duking it out and the worst part is that the counselors specifically said we’re not allowed to place bets anymore. I wasn’t certain what a man with a body fueled by nearly 70 years of rage and Halloween-themed cereals could do to a guy given a court order not to go to his son’s little league games anymore, but it was enough. And I thought for sure he was going to use his twins of evil to shake him by the collarbone and snap his rib cage.

Shortly afterward, Danzig figured he could go against the judge’s wishes and leave half an hour early, but the higher-ups stopped him at the door so he naturally tried starting a riot. No one else decided to join him before he went back to his seat like nothing happened, but I know Danzig still has the persuasive skills needed to send astro zombies to rape the land and exterminate the whole human race. He didn’t do that again, did he?

When it was all over, I was still a little disappointed that he wouldn’t share with us what brought him to our doors here at the abandoned KMart that we’re allowed to use every other weekend. He seems like the kind of guy who’d get a kick out of possessing someone’s death, blood, and demise in 2025, and we would’ve absolutely bonded over it, no problem. But when he started blasting his “Danzig Sings Elvis” album on his cell phone as he left, it all started to make sense.

Seriously, could that asshole not afford a decent sound engineer? Because goddamn.

Citizen’s Award for Bravery Presented to Man Who Successfully Took a Shit in Crowded Venue Bathroom

By Steve Packosky 

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of the Interior recognized 34-year-old Rob Meszka of Louisville, Kentucky with the Citizen’s Award for Bravery after he took a dump in a crowded venue bathroom during a concert, sources report.

“That shit was the most terrifying ordeal of my life, so it feels good to be recognized for it,” Meszka said. “I went to see Goatwhore and quickly realized I shouldn’t have eaten that Wendy’s Baconator immediately before the show. The one bathroom they had was horrible, with three urinals next to one stall that had a broken lock. The entire time I was shitting, these metalheads kept coming in and remarking on the smell, and one super drunk guy even rattled the side of the stall while screaming ‘whoo, Goatwhore!’ over and over. It was such a dreadful experience where I had to overcome a lot of obstacles, but I feel like I’m better for having gone through it.”

Ceremony spectator Brendan Durant reacted to the story with a mixture of admiration and horror.

“That is the bravest man I have ever seen,” Durant mentioned as he wiped a tear from his eye. “I have found myself in a situation several times where I had to shit while in a crowded venue, but I could never bring myself to even consider it, and once I even left a no-reentry Mastodon show so I could rush home to use my own bathroom. While I certainly find Mr. Meszka to be a source of inspiration, I’m still not sure if I can follow in his footsteps. Some people are just born with the bravery required for that action, and unfortunately I don’t think I can count myself among those ranks.”

Historian Jasmine Irvine provided her expertise on Meszka’s story.

“I wrote my dissertation on citizen courage throughout American history, and there’s not a single example I can cite that tops this,” Irvine revealed. “I just completed a case study about a guy who ran into a burning apartment building to save his boyfriend’s cat, but even an action that daring and heroic pales in comparison to dropping a deuce in a filthy venue restroom while surrounded by drunk strangers. I predict that this act of valor will be spoken of by future generations for centuries to come.”

At press time, Meszka further demonstrated his fearlessness when he took a shit on the plane ride back to his home.

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Band Kids Not as Excited to Play Persona Medley as Teacher Hoped

BY Peter Cunis 

PLYMOUTH, NH — Despite his best efforts, Plymouth Public High School’s band teacher Jerry Bathman has seen little to no enthusiasm for their winter concert’s finale number, “Persona Across the Years”, a piece arranged by Paul Dukovsky and based on the works of Shoji Meguro. 

“It’s perplexing to me,” says Bathman, “I ordered the sheet music from Alfred Music and left it on the music stands first thing in the morning, like a little surprise. I expected everyone to see it and get really pumped. Instead, they all just sat down, got out their instruments, and let out exasperated sighs.”

The band students gave a variety of reasons for their lack of excitement.

“I mean, we’re not very good,” said French horn player Bailey McColbert, ‘26, “We just barely learned ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ last week. Now we’re learning a seven-minute jazz medley?”

Percussionist Gary Planter, ‘27, offered another explanation.

“Bro, I’ve never played these games, but some of them are older than me,” said Planter. “I think Mr. Bathman is the only person in the whole school who plays them.”

Sheri Baldwin, ‘25, added, “I don’t play video games. I literally did not know this was supposed to be exciting.”

PPHS’s faculty also weighed in on the issue. 

“Mr. Bathman does his best to engage his students and meet them on their level,” said Principal Bruce Parson, “Okay, but also, it really feels like these concerts are a 37-year-old nerd’s idea of music. Last year was a Star Wars thing. The year before was something called a cowboy bebop? And now this Personal or Person thing, whatever it is. I don’t know what this is. I guess it’s a cartoon about high schools full of perverts? I feel like we’re going to get complaints about this.”

Plymouth Public High School’s winter concert will take place on March 1st in the gymnasium, as the heat in the auditorium is still not working.