Hard Digest February 10: Super Bowl Stuff, Early Access Miss Murder, Lexapro, and Christmas Music

Miss Murder Now Mrs. Murder-Harrison Following Marriage to Local Restaurateur

By Mimi Kenny 

STOCKTON, Calif. — Local California woman and artistic muse Vanessa Murder, better known as “Miss Murder” from the AFI song of the same name, had changed her name to Mrs. Murder-Harrison, following her recent marriage to Adrian Harrison, proprietor of several restaurants in the area, confirmed sources who regularly post on the Ultimate-Guitar message board.

“I was into that whole ‘emo’ thing back in the day,” Murder-Harrison said. “And it’s beyond flattering to have inspired such a cool rock song, even if I wasn’t able to make the video shoot. But I knew that I was missing something, or rather someone, to share my heart with. That all changed the day I got lunch at Vivante and met the man who is now my husband. With our union, my name is not changed. Rather, our souls are intertwined.”

Calvin Scargill, an AFI fan who still had his original autographed CD copy of “Decemberunderground,” expressed confusion about hearing the news.

“Wait, she’s a real person?” Scargill said. “I mean, I guess it makes sense that someone real inspired that song. But I didn’t think it was someone whose actual name was ‘Miss Murder.’ And that’s actually her family name? Nobody thought maybe to change that for the sake of anonymity? Honestly, the whole mystique was dampened when I looked at her Instagram page and saw she’s marketing what’s basically a Swiffer but with all kinds of holistic bullshit sprinkled in. I thought she’d at least have a couple tattoos.”

AFI lead singer Davey Havok provided a little more backstory on Murder-Harrison.

“It probably doesn’t come as a surprise that I had a bit of a crush on her,” Havok said. “I remember when [AFI drummer] Adam [Carson] introduced me to her at a show in ‘04 and I said, without thinking, ‘Hey, Miss Murder’ and she blushed and rolled her eyes in the most adorable way. I didn’t want to come on too strong, but I figured an anthemic song with a catchy yet cryptic chorus and a screamed breakdown would be the perfect way to let her know how I feel. But then the song got so big and we just didn’t keep in touch. It’s fine. I’m sure she’s happy with this Adrian guy.”

At press time, AFI revealed their song “Girl’s Not Grey” and about 20 more tracks of theirs were also about Murder-Harrison.

I’m Lexapro Sober: I’m Not Depressed Anymore But Now A Single Beer Makes Me Nauseous

By Audrey Vieira

Move over, California sober — There’s a new form of pseudo-sobriety in town and I’m leading the charge. It’s called “Lexapro sober” and I definitely didn’t just make it up on the spot to get out of going to the bar with you.

Really, I still want to join you. It’ll be nice to get out of the house now that I’ve found the right therapist and antidepressant prescription to stop turning the weekly trivia night into a trauma-dump session. Just don’t expect me to knock down shots the way I did back then, or at all.

Being Lexapro sober has its benefits. I mean, I’m not drinking to forget anymore. I barely drink at all because a single Corona can and will have me holding onto the walls of our local Chili’s for dear life. Hell, I even got a little tipsy off a sip of wine from the samples table at that fancy new grocery store in town. I had no idea such little alcohol could do that to a person. I’m going to save so much money on the rare occasion that I actually want to drink. It’s almost like a pay-it-forward chain since I can use the difference to buy you a round.

Seriously, next one’s on me. It would warm my heart to see someone enjoy a shot without immediately feeling the room spin beneath their feet. I’m not just saying that because it’s easier to feel joy now that I’m no longer chemically imbalanced. I need to know for sure that this is actually Lexapro’s doing and I haven’t been a secret lightweight for all these years.

I mean, I used to down five White Claws in one sitting and barely get buzzed! My mental health may have been terrible back then but you have to admit my liver was pretty impressive. Not impressive enough to justify stopping the Lexapro and going back to ruining parties, but at least it made sense when a party got ruined because somebody drank their weight in whiskey. Saying you have to go home because you forgot that one beer feels like seven is just embarrassing. It really sucks since Lexapro is supposed to help my social anxiety and make these kinds of gatherings easier for me.

Anyway, I’d love to go to trivia with you and our team again now that enough time has passed for everyone to forget about last time. At least I can brag about being the only one in the building to actually stick to Dry January.

Retail Worker Missing Christmas Music After Hearing Same Lifehouse Song Three Times in One Shift

By Steve Packosky 

TACOMA, Wash. — Local retail employee Brenda Lawson found herself nostalgic for the Christmas music playlist at her workplace after hearing “Hanging By a Moment” by Lifehouse three times in one shift, sources report.

“Yeah, I thought December was bad, but it’s actually been worse since the holiday season ended,” Lawson sighed. “I’m missing the Christmas songs at this point, as even hearing ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey and ‘Happy Christmas (War Is Over)’ by John Lennon on repeat is preferable to this. What sadist curates these playlists, anyway? Everybody knows the late 90s/early 2000s were essentially the Dark Ages of popular music. Hell, I’d even take ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ over this, and that’s saying a lot.”

Lawson’s manager Carly Garza admitted to having created the playlist that had her employees so distressed.

“I thought I’d give my team a little treat for doing such a great job over the holiday season,” Garza said. “I know it’s not easy having to balance the increased December workload with the constant demands from panicked customers doing their last-minute shopping, but they really nailed it. I’m not entirely sure what people are listening to these days, but I figured my custom playlist from college with hits from Hoobastank, Daughtry, Train and Lifehouse would boost morale around here. I know I personally completed the payroll in record time because I was so pepped up. I certainly trust the music is having a similar effect out on the floor.”

Psychologist George Tadesse could relate to Lawson’s situation.

“We’re all well aware of how dreadful holiday music can be for retail workers, but we tend to forget how bad the music is during the other 11 months of the year,” Tadesse provided. “I’ve done several case studies on the mental degradation associated with hearing ‘Slide’ by the Goo Goo Dolls on repeat while stocking shelves and directing inept customers to departments that are in plain sight, and don’t even get me started on the damage caused by that Rob Thomas/Santana song. I don’t want to advise the CIA on the best way to torture people, but they could certainly gather ideas for their next playlist simply by touring any department store in February.”

At press time, Lawson was seen demanding Garza put the holiday playlist back on after “Hanging By a Moment” was immediately followed by Tonic’s “If You Could Only See” for the fourth time today.

Philly Dad Passes Down His Father’s Throwing Batteries for Son to Use at Super Bowl

By Patrick Coyne 

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to Super Bowl LIX, family sources confirmed this morning.

“Our family has been throwing these batteries since 1972 — I got them from my old man when he passed away after a long and painful battle with some drunk moron at Oscar’s Tavern,” said Mr. Catalano. “Our batteries have been chucked at some of the most athletic skulls in the world: Sidney Crosby, Tom Brady, J.D. Drew… and this one hot-shot at the pitch-and-putt. But my old man’s dream over the past few seasons has been to absolutely annihilate that State Farm-shilling chump Patrick Mahomes.”

When Anthony scored tickets to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl on Sunday, the elder Catalano knew it was time to pass along the heirloom batteries.

“Somewhere, up above — or, more realistically, down below — I know Pops is smiling on his grandson, hoping he smashes up pretty-boy Mahomes’ face real good,” said the proud father. “It’s time for me to let them go. I can’t put the heat on them like I used to; my accuracy is gone. Anthony was a hell of a pitcher in Little League. I know he’ll do some damage with the Catalano D-size ‘Mini Missiles.’”

Some, however, including self-proclaimed “Chiefs mega-fan” who only really started following the team in 2020, Shannon Connelley, aren’t thrilled by the Catalano tradition.

“I’d like to think those battery throwin’ tool bags are in the minority, but we all know that every mouth-breathing Philly sports fan is a greased-pole climbing, drunken hooligan. Hell, their team hasn’t even beaten anyone good yet, besides all those good teams with winning records they demolished,” said Connelley. “These no-BBQ cooking schmucks threw snowballs at Santa Claus. If I saw them disrespecting Santa in person, I’d glare at them from a safe distance so hard.”

At press time, Anthony Catalano is allegedly drunk and shirtless on Bourbon Street, screaming, “Fuck the Cowboys.”

Super Bowl Halftime Show to Honor Fallen Eagles Fans Who Slipped on Own Puke at Urinals During First Quarter

By Doug Kolic 

NEW ORLEANS — The highly anticipated Kendrick Lamar Super Bowl Halftime show is expected to include an In Memoriam segment to honor all the Eagles fans who slipped on their own puke and died in the stadium’s washrooms during the first quarter, officials worried for everyone’s safety confirmed.

“Our fans are our number one priority,” stated NFL V.P. of Operations Hank Topsider. “So that’s why we think it’s important to honor those Eagles fans who will undoubtedly drink too much, fight, puke, smash themselves silly, and drop dead within a few minutes of kickoff. We want this event to be inclusive of all fans from the city of brotherly love, those who actually make it to the second quarter without being arrested or injured, and those who spend their last brave moments hearing the roar of the crowd as they’re being rushed to St. Joseph’s Trauma Center.”

Die-hard Chiefs fan Stacy Everett disagreed with this initiative to honor Eagles fans.

“What a waste of time celebrating a bunch of toxic fans who have no respect for anyone,” Everett said while wearing a ceremonial headdress and Native American-style face paint outside the stadium. “It’s one thing to get piss drunk, chant about beating the hell out of the other team, and film a TikTok dance on the shrine to a dead opponent, but it’s another thing to do some of those things if you’re also screaming ‘Go Birds’ the whole time. Now if you’d excuse me, we’re about to do the Tomahawk chop to some inconsiderate protestors who are still bitching about our name.”

Sports behavior expert Carl Shattenkirk believes glorifying any rowdy behavior is a slippery slope that should be avoided.

“I think the NFL is playing with fire,” Shattenkirk described. “Though it’s admirable to honor any lives injured or lost during games, my research shows dumb fans of any team fuelled with enough alcohol and low self-esteem will take it as a personal goal to get even stupider just to get onto that jumbotron and be part of the halftime show. As for Eagles fans, yes they can be a bit rabid, and I don’t mean that only metaphorically. Some of them will legitimately try to bite you if you get too close.”

At press time, the NFL was regretting their decision after the video tribute went into its thirty-fifth minute.