Hard Digest February 8: Early Access Guns, Monster Energy, Kendrick, and More

Texas Republicans Introduce Bill Requiring Parental Advisory Stickers on All Guns Sold to Minors

By Tim Sheard

AUSTIN, Texas — GOP lawmakers from the Lone Star State introduced a bill requiring parental advisory stickers be placed on all guns that end up in the hands of minors, sources report.

“This is our way of letting the public know that we hear your repeated calls to address the concerning cases of gun violence in the great state of Texas,” House Republican Jared Patterson said. “We all remember how effective parental advisory stickers were with preventing young people from hearing offensive music, and we feel they will have the same effect in curbing future tragedies. While, lamentably, guns here can only be sold to minors with the express consent of a parent or guardian, we want to make sure every God-fearing Texan has access to a bump-stock equipped death machine, and we will all be sleeping a little easier at night if this bill passes.”

Negligent parent Ron McCormick expressed his hope that the bill would pass.

“It’ll be nice to have some peace of mind when I take my son Conner to get his first AR-15 for his 16th birthday next year,” McCormick offered. “He’s been adamant about getting a gun lately, and I figure anything that gets him away from the computer is a blessing. I’m glad Texas politicians are keeping safety at the forefront of their gun priority list with this sticker bill, though. I want Conner to have a warning attached to his first semi-automatic rifle. He spends all his time in his dark bedroom using something called ‘4Chan,’ so if a new gun gets him out of the house and around other people in the real world, I’m all for it.”

Gun violence expert Natasha Healey was less receptive to the effort from Texas Republicans.

“This is just the latest example of lazy, superficial policy made under the thin veil of addressing gun violence,” Healey sighed. “Parental advisory stickers started being placed on compact discs 40 years ago because Tipper Gore was bored and stupid, and there’s no evidence to suggest that those kept any minors from hearing N.W.A. I’m certain we’re going to see a similar result with them being placed on firearms. At this point, we should all just give up and live in bunkers.”

At press time, Patterson was also working on a bill that would require the Ten Commandments be displayed next to any computer that can be used to type a sprawling manifesto.

Review: I Tried Every Flavor of Monster I Could Find Before I Was Put Into a Medically Induced Coma for My Safety

By Mac McCarthy

Monster Energy drinks are the lifeblood of musicians and athletes alike. There are seemingly hundreds of varieties to choose from. This week, I picked up one of every Monster at the liquor store by my apartment to determine which flavor is best.

In hindsight, I probably should have taken just a small sample of each one somalie style. Instead, I pounded can after can until the beast within me was truly and medically released, and I had to be induced into a coma as I had become a threat to myself and others. Anyway, here’s how far I got.

Monster Energy (Original)
This is your entry-level Monster. It’s got that sweet, citrusy chemical taste we’ve all grown to love. And it packs more than a full day’s supply of whatever the fuck D-glucuronolactone is. Just one of these bad boys gives me the strength to load a dirt bike into my truck by hand, no ramps needed! Try pulling that off with one of those inferior energy drinks!

Monster Energy Lo-Carb
Not too shabby. There’s a familiar artificial citrus flavor but it’s a little less sweet. This blue beast has all the caffeine and “Energy Blend” you get from its green brother, which I desperately need right now to fight this sugar crash I’m experiencing as that first Monster wears off. My entire body is vibrating with approval as I fire back my second Monster of the day.

Monster Energy Zero Ultra
Yum, yum, yum! I’ve never tried the white Monster before. I usually stick to the green one because it’s the O.G. and I loved it enough to get the logo tattooed on my chest in high school so why would I have done that if there was anything wrong with it that needed to be “zeroed” out of the recipe, huh, can you tell me that? I am so fucking into this flavor! I think I’ll try a few of the other Ultra variants next to see if they’re all this good!

Monster Energy Ultra Violet
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS FUCKING PURPLE!

Monster Energy Ultra Fiesta Mango
Not enough purple! Not even close. Ultra Fiesta Mango was hard for me to finish. Mostly because the Howling Man phased in through my kitchen wall and tried to stop my research but you can go eat shit, Howling Man! I’ve had five cans of Monster and even you aren’t powerful enough to stop me! Now take your snakes and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Monster Ultra Blue and Monster Ultra Red mixed together in a bowl and frantically chugged to achieve necessary internal levels of purple
Here comes the purple you shrieking bastard! I should have never betrayed my beloved purple to swill that foul mango concoction. Certainly not with these wretched cobras afoot! Fortunately, I’ve memorized the ancient formula for purple, like my forefathers before me. Only I can resist the wail of the Howling Man and his entourage of serpents!

Well, that’s as far as I got before the National Guard showed up to tranquilize me. Evidently, I had mistaken a local food court for the lodge of The Howling Man and the denizens of said food court for his proxies, who I attacked with a Yield sign I had torn out of the ground mistaking it for the sword of Lightingyore. I wish I could explain it better than that but the details of the mythology I had crafted have faded since the coma. Funny side note, they actually thought I was clinically dead for a few days! I wish I could say this won’t happen again, but it’s come to my attention that there are actually a lot of Red Bull variants now, and I have a job to do.

Kendrick Lamar Brings Out Bound and Gagged Drake Being Lowered Into a Shark Tank as Special Halftime Show Guest

By Ben Friedman

NEW ORLEANS — Rapper Kendrick Lamar thrilled the nation during his Super Bowl halftime appearance after revealing his special guest performer was none other than a bound and gagged Drake being lowered into a tank filled with bloodthirsty sharks, cheering viewers have confirmed.

“Everyone anticipated Kendrick’s performance was going to be iconic, but the most exciting part was guessing who the special guest was going to be. That moment the lights went out and ‘Not Like Us’ started sent chills up my spine, but it was nothing compared to him revealing the final guest spot belonged to a massive tank of ravenous sharks about to feast on none other than the man who sang ‘God’s Plan.’ The cheers were deafening,” said attendee Scott Walker. “Everyone had a great sight line of Drake writhing bound to that kitchen chair, I mean the production team thought of everything. The one shark leaping out of the water and missing his leg by an inch during the ‘A-Minor’ part will go down as one the greatest moments in halftime history.”

The halftime production team admitted they didn’t think they’d be able to pull off Lamar’s vision.

“Kendrick’s proposal was ‘James Bond captured by the villain but reversed,’ and honestly we didn’t think it could be pulled off based on sheer logistics. But he came to us with a pretty solid plan for borrowing the sharks from an aquarium in Miami, as well as deploying a crack team of ex-Navy Seals to kidnap Drake from his home in the middle of the night and sedate him long enough to wake up being repelled from the rafters of the Superdome,” said production coordinator Casey Jenson. “Kendrick ceaselessly torturing Drake is overwhelmingly popular with a majority of viewers, and from the looks of it the circling sharks would also agree.

Drake fans were outraged that the beef with Kendrick was taken this far.

“Kendrick already executed him metaphorically, now he has to literally do it? It should be J.Cole in that chair, he’s the one who started all this!” said Devin McCallister. “Where are Drake’s lawyers to respond when he needs them? Damn you, Kung Fu Kenny! Sure, this was technically the first time in my life that I got to see Drake live, but probably not the last time I’ll see him publicly tortured at a nationally televised event.”

At press time, the game was delayed as referees were unable to stop nearly all of the Chiefs and Eagles players from dancing on stage as Drake continued to be lowered to his doom.

Opinion: My Coffee Table Has Gone Woke (Guest Column From a Guy Who Stubbed His Toe 3 Seconds Ago)

BY Testament Crux 

Yowch, that smarts! Sound the alarm bells, true patriots! Following an incident no less than three seconds ago, I’m sorry to inform you all that my coffee table has gone fully woke. I was just bringing a tall glass of raw unpasteurized milk to the living room so that I could play some Helldivers 2 without really thinking about the game’s overall themes. That’s when it happened: my toe was suddenly stubbed by my antifa DEI coffee table, a devastating blow that left me wracked with pain. That’s right: you’re not even safe from liberal attacks in your own home. Is nothing sacred to the left? Jesus, I hope I didn’t break something. Is that broken? Hm, no, I think we’re good. Still though, ouch.

This is no joke—I could’ve been killed. Forty-six seconds ago, my sock-clad big toe collided with the southeast leg of my coffee table at approximately 2.7 miles per hour. Following the stubbing, I was quoted as saying, “Gaaaaah, fuck! Son of a fucking bitch! Oh God, that’s a mother! Oh geez, ohohoho, ohhhhh boy, oh, that did one hell of a number on me.” My wife reports that I was loud enough to wake the kids, though this has been contested.

I ordered this TONSTAD oak veneer coffee table from IKEA as a housewarming gift for my wife on April 4th of last year. Little did I know that when I gave them my shipping address, I was actually doxxing myself. The attack on my family wouldn’t launch until well after the 180-day return period, however. After I retaliated by leaving a one-star review for the item, IKEA had this to say: “We apologize for any inconvenience. We’ll be sure to share your feedback with our sales leaders for internal review and future design improvements.” Can you believe it? Not one single mention of the woke mind virus that’s clearly infected the company! I’ll be buying from Bob’s from now on, thank you very much!

I urge you all, my brothers in arms against the woke terrorists, to join me in a boycott against IKEA. I’ve already posted a video of myself using the Satanic coffee table as firewood in my backyard. However, when I showed the woke mob that I’m not afraid of them, they only tried to silence me harder than ever. Due to an unrelated and entirely coincidental wildfire that burned down half my neighborhood, a woke state prosecutor is now attempting to press charges against me, using my awesome table-burning TikTok as evidence. According to her, “You can literally see the defendant flinging chunks of flaming wood behind the treeline.” Luckily, the Lord Almighty already sent President Trump to pardon me for my participation in the January 6th fight for freedom, so I’m confident that He will protect me a second time (God or Trump, whoever comes first).

Next week, I’ll be back with another column on the dangers of my wife’s woke divorce papers.