Hard Digest February 7: Kanye, DOGE, Early Access Hüsker Dü, Meth, Elon Musk, and More

Kanye Announces New Album “Austrian Art School Dropout”

By Matt Husser 

LOS ANGELES — Kanye West followed up a Nazi-glorifying rant on ‘X’ today by announcing the surprise release of his newest studio album “Austrian Art School Dropout,” sources confirmed.

“'Austrian Art School Dropout’ is a concept album about a misunderstood genius living in Austria in 1907, and the sinister Illuminati forces that conspired to keep him out of art school but ultimately couldn’t keep his greatness down—and that young genius’ name? Yedolf Yitler,” shouted West into a megaphone spinning from a ceiling fan. “I even traveled back in time with the infinite power of my mind to play this album for baby Hitler and he was all ‘goo goo gaga, thank you Ye for sonically hitting me with this supreme knowledge.’ You’re welcome baby Hitler, I love you, I wish I could breastfeed you.”

The new album is supported by guest features ranging from Ted Nugent to rising MAGA rapper Yung Goebbels, but was released to mostly negative reviews that labeled it ‘technically competent’ but ‘kinda full of Nazi shit’.

“The concept album starts off with the forceful ‘Yetzkrieg,’ featuring a driving drum beat cleverly sampled from goose-stepping soldiers at the Nuremberg Rally, before returning back to the main character’s early art school beginnings with ‘Two Words (Mein Kampf)’,” said music critic Nate Kohler. “But by the time you get to ‘Führer Walks’ and ‘New Final Workout Solution’ it gets kind of difficult to separate the art from the genocidal Austrian artist.”

Shadow-President Elon Musk reportedly took issue with Kanye labeling him a ‘bandwagon Nazi’ after discovering a diss track titled ‘When The Berlin Wall Falls Down’.

“As a longtime supporter of Kanye and a defender of his free speech on X I feel completely betrayed that he would call me something as disgusting as a ‘Bandwagon Nazi’ when I have clearly been a fan of Hitler long before it was cool,” said Musk, pointing to the hundreds of hours he sunk into the single-player Nazi campaign in ‘Call of Duty’. “He even started the song with a skit that goes ‘Elon, I’mma let you finish but Hitler had one of the best genocides of all time’ which is so unfair when I’ve only had one month in power and Hitler had a whole decade.”

Shortly after the news broke, Kayne announced his next album would be a synth-fueled neo-nazi concept album, “1488s and Deep States.”

DOGE Teens Use Government Servers To Create Dream Girl

By Dan Katz 

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team of DOGE teens used their unprecedented access to federal agencies to create their dream girl using the immense computing power of the US government, totally stoked sources confirmed.

“My RTX 4080-equipped laptop is great for playing ‘Path of Exile 2’ and ‘Roblox,’ but we needed a lot more power for this. Thankfully we have the government’s servers at our disposal, and if anyone tells me I can’t use them they will be arrested. This place is fire,” explained 19-year-old Edward “Big Balls” Coristine. “We scanned into the computer everything we could think of to create the perfect woman: pages from ‘Mein Kampf,’ ‘Atlas Shrugged,’ a picture of Kaitlin Bennett. Then we fed in some sheet music from Kanye West and Grimes. Topped off with the collective works of Libs of TikTok, and ‘Rick and Morty’ fan fic. Then my boys and I just wore my younger sister’s bras on our heads, hooked up the leads to Kasumi figurine, and voila, we had a flesh and blood woman we call MaXa.”

Elon Musk expressed his excitement for the beautiful, trad wife his goon squad conjured.

“I’m not, like, just making tech here. This is a super exciting innovation, you know, in the future of companionship. Pushing the boundaries of xAI. I have leveled up MaXa so much in such a short time; with just a little more hardcore grinding, I’ll have her at level 97 within the next couple of weeks,” said Musk while jumping around wildly. “Pretty soon, I’ll be able to put her in real, live sexual situations and see how she reacts. Real sick, demented shit. You’ll love it! Probably leave her breasts as-is, though. Anything bigger than a handful and you’re risking a sprained thumb.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the development, no matter how incredible the creation of a gorgeous, magical woman might be.

“Those teenage Great Gatsby cosplayers just marched into our offices and hijacked our computer systems,” complained US Department of Energy senior analyst Lisa Brockway. “Sorry the Shermer High bullies pantsed you in gym class, but that doesn’t give your statuesque supermodel the right to throw a rager in my office and turn my department head, Mr. Donnelly, into a talking pile of feces. I don’t care if the effects will wear off – they still need to clean up their Capri-Sun garbage.”

At press time, the DOGE crew was helping Donald Trump create his own, real version of his daughter Ivanka, but they forgot to connect the doll, and the electrodes were resting on a copy of the federal tax code.

Hüsker Dü Fan Celebrates 10th Anniversary of Never Saying Band Name Out Loud

By Robert Butler

MINNEAPOLIS — Local Hüsker Dü fan Paul Mallard quietly celebrated the 10-year anniversary of never saying their band name aloud to avoid potential ridicule, confirmed sources who didn’t even know he listened to them.

“In high school, they were one of those bands I’d shy away from. I knew I wasn’t ready to answer the really tough questions. Like, who are you listening to?” recalled Mallard. “In my early 20s I remember going to parties seeing people being mocked for saying ‘Hoo-ska Do.’ Before long I caught myself fully projecting this insecurity and completely humiliating people for saying it like ‘Hesker Due,’ or something close. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I decided it was time to grow up and never utter the name of my favorite band of all time. If all goes well I will be taking my fandom to the grave.”

Mallard’s girlfriend Ashley Drake claims secrecy over the band’s name causes strange tension in their relationship.

“I only ever attempted to read the name out loud once myself before he completely shut me down,” said Drake. “I also suggested we just call them ‘The Du’ or ‘that one band’ so we can get past this weird silent treatment. But that idea just upset him. He keeps insisting that I’m not gonna get it, because he doesn’t even get it. I guess I kind of understand. After all, what do those little dots above the letter ‘u’ even mean? No way I’m taking the time to look that up.”

Music critic Tony Pittman believes fans of hard to pronounce band names tend to hide their interest in them.

“In my business, it doesn’t take much for a fan to hide their deepest adoration for a band’s music because of their name,” recalled Pittman. “Sanguisugabogg, Sunn O))), Samhain. Some bands you should never speak of in a social setting. If someone asks you who you listen to, you must hide your voice as much as humanly possible. For instance, while pronouncing Dimmu Borgir, go ahead and fire up a nearby saw or smack a board with a hammer while some sort of noise comes out of his mouth. If that doesn’t work, you can simply show the other person what is playing on your phone screen and make them pronounce it. Just whatever you do, do not say Yngwie Malmsteen out loud.”

At press time, Mallard also quietly celebrated the 15-year anniversary of never saying the name Hoobastank out loud, mainly to avoid having to admit he listens to them.

I Used to Love Meth Until I Learned about its Roots in Fascism

By Maksym LaRouche

Meth: It’s one of those things we all love. For many people, myself included, meth is more than just a crystal shard, it’s a lifestyle. But what I learned recently about meth shook me to my core. Behind every shard of meth, was a man, and that man’s name was Adolf Hitler.

I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out. When I started Googling “facism” for the first time after the election, I was appalled at what I read about Nazis, but what really shocked me was finding out that meth was actually developed by Nazi scientists in an attempt to create super soldiers. I was speechless, meth being used for evil? I couldn’t believe it.

At first, I tried not to think about it, but the next time I hit the pipe, I felt weird. I have friends who are Jewish and gay. I used to never understand why they kept begging me to stop smoking meth every day. But now it finally clicked. Smoking crystal in front of them reminded them of the struggles they and their families had to go through. Walter White, to them, was just another Himmler.

Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. When I smoked meth with others, I noticed their swastika tattoos for the first time. Were they always there? Or did I only start noticing them now? It was the subtle things like this that I had been blind to my whole life.

The scariest takeaway from this: meth has become ingrained in the American way of life. It’s not enough for just me to quit. People stared at me for tweaking at ShopRite, they didn’t stare at me for enabling fascism. We need to do better, America, and build a culture that looks past meth, and cares about history.

It’s crucial we build a better world, one where we can separate the art from the artist. If we can get our meat humanely, why not mix cough syrup, iodine, lye, and muriatic acid into a boil in a way that oppressed minorities can get behind. When will Congress wake up and fight the real evil?

But for now, it’s not enough to just quit smoking meth, I have to fight the injustice I helped support, I’m going to do something that isn’t rooted in evil, that will maybe help topple the rising tide of fascism. This speedball’s for you, Bernie Sanders!

Elon Musk Makes Generous Donation to Erectile Dysfunction Therapy Startup for Absolutely No Reason in Particular

By The Hard Times Staff 

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Social pariah and world’s richest man Elon Musk made a staggering donation to a new startup with a mission statement of curing erectile dysfunction, confirmed sources who say it isn’t a big deal and people need to stop reading into it.

“Right, I can’t donate $789,000,000 to a company seeking to eradicate erectile dysfunction without people talking about how my penis doesn’t work, how sad my balls are, and how they would kill themselves if they had a penis even half as bad. It’s a tired and lazy attack. I consider myself a hero for helping this cause,” Musk said while wearing a vintage 1932 Hugo Boss SS uniform. “You people need to get a life, really, it’s getting annoying. These are the same jerks that gave me crap for helping fund an AI company that is making great advances in creating virtual reality sex slaves. Or the medical science company that does non-surgical penis enlargement and shape correction. These are valuable companies that I’m proud to support.”

Jeremy Kapston, the COO of Harden, was surprised by Musk’s interest in his startup.

“I had just started putting together a pitch deck for funding when I got a call from Elon who was super excited about what we were doing. Harden promises to give men rock-hard erections without the side effects often associated with Viagra and Cialis, not to mention we will help men produce more semen with our proprietary formula. The semen thing really got Elon excited, it’s really all he talks about on our progress calls,” said Kapston. “The other great thing about working with Elon is he wants to help test the product. Every time he walks through the facility he eats any random pill he finds on the ground, I guess that’s what it’s like being a genius.”

President Trump also promised government funding to bring Harden to the American people.

“I’ve looked at the research and America is falling far behind in erection dominance. Before Obama, America had the best erections, my erections were beautiful back then, it was like the New York skyline covered in red hair all the way down the shaft. But the Democrats neutered us all with DEI and open borders,” said Trump. “When I look at porn I’m not seeing virile American men anymore, it’s all foreign men with our barely legal teens. That needs to change, I want to make America stand at attention again.”

At press time, Musk was actively looking for startups that could develop a treatment to prevent sex workers from puking every time he undressed in front of them.

Joe Biden Finally Tackles Steam Backlog

BY Eddie Feeley 

GREENVILLE, Del — Following his departure from the White House, Former President Joe Biden has resolved to use his new free time to finally tackle his Steam Backlog.

“I would just keep buying these games when I’d see them on sale, but I never had the time to sit down and play them,” said former President Biden in between generous licks of a vanilla swirl ice cream cone. “I was able to play so much stuff back when I was Vice President since I had so much time on my hands, but it turns out when you’re president they don’t give you any time for serious gaming. It’s a little intimidating to decide which one to start with. I haven’t even touched Baldur’s Age Erdtree but according to the forms that is a hell of a time sink. I remember back in my day you could be done with a game on a weekend, now it can take my entire remaining life expectancy.”

Biden’s wife Jill is reportedly pleased that her husband has found something to occupy his time now that he’s left office.

“I’m just glad Joe has something to do with his time,” said the former first lady. “It also helps that it isn’t a hobby he feels the need to flaunt about. Imagine if he got into painting or something like that. I’d rather jump into traffic than put up with another subpar art gallery from a former president.”

Video games historian Hester Grantiea spoke to the press to discuss the influence Biden’s presidency had on the last few years of gaming.

“The effects of the Biden presidency in gaming history is going to be noticed for another few years.” Grantiea said. “We as a culture need time to digest it. The last few years of gaming were taken up with villains that resemble Donald Trump or Elon Musk. The good news for Mr. Biden is that he won’t need to deal with any commentary about him or his lackluster actions, so he’ll be able to game in peace.”

At press time, Biden’s son Hunter has reportedly been trying to get him into Marvel Rivals, claiming that the characters are “rocking bodacious dump trucks”.

Sen. John Fetterman Wandering Capitol Building, Attacking Any Survivors

BY Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — In hopes to combat the impending “woke mind virus” pandemic, the Trump Administration has turned Sen. John Fetterman into a Bio Organic Weapon (BOW) through injections of the Umbrella Corporation’s newly discovered t-Virus, sources in the Capitol confirm.

“We commend Senator Fetterman’s bipartisan support of this assault against the Democratic Party,” says Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, in between hiccups and belches. “Fetterman’s already ogre-like body type made him the perfect guinea pig for unsanctioned medical experimentation.”

The Umbrella Corporation, which was recently purchased – and litigiously amended to be founded – by Elon Musk, has been developing the t-Virus for years. The recent Fetterman success is the first of many attempted trials on Democratic officials.

“Fetterman’s musculature and bone structure were far more suited for the t-Virus than our last subject, Dianne Feinstein,” says Umbrella scientist, Dr. Emily Capone. “She was willing to do anything to keep a DEI hire out of her seat on the Senate.”

Sen. Fetterman, per the President’s request, has been stationed in the Capitol Building, patrolling the halls with slow, echoing footsteps, ready to pursue any Democrat who voted against the nominees for Trump’s cabinet.

“John’s a great guy. Big guy, strong guy, he came up to me the other day, with tears in his eyes and said ‘Mr. President, please inject me with the Trump virus,’ that’s what the “T” stands for, right? If not it should be,” said the President during a recent press conference regarding inflation. “But we had to get him out of those clothes. We had to. Did you see what he wore to my inauguration? He looked like Barron after gym class. So we put a little hat on him, and a big trench coat. I think he looks great, doesn’t he look great, folks? Now that I know this wonderful virus works, Eric and Don Jr are gonna have great futures here let me tell you.”

At press time, Umbrella representative Nemesis has replaced Doug Burgum as Trump’s Secretary of the Interior.