Hard Digest February 5: Early Access Bono, Shrinkflation, Record Scratches, and More

LA Fire Devastation Officially Reaches Bono Tribute Song Level

By Doug Kolic 

LOS ANGELES — U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song, distraught sources confirmed.

“Good news, brothers and sisters of the City of Angels, your pain and suffering has officially inspired me,” shouted Bono through a bullhorn to a crowd of displaced residents. “I want you to know that your tears are not in vain, and the reward for your anguish is that I’m excited to announce that I’ve begun work on a little ditty about the horrors that you’ve gone through. I’m calling it ‘Miss Pacific Palisades’ and you’ll be able to find this song immediately on your smartphone. And before you ask, no, you won’t be able to delete it. You’re welcome.”

LA fire victim Cathy Simmons described how this news is hitting her family.

“Damn, just when we thought our lives couldn’t get any worse,” said Simmons as she sifted through the rubble of the home which has been in her family for generations. “When the fires hit, we barely had enough time to pack the kids and dog into the van and get away to safety. When we were finally allowed to return, we were greeted by the grim reality that our lives would never be the same. However, because of our strong faith, we were comforted by the fact that we were still alive and unharmed. But now with this horrible news, that hope has been extinguished and it’s clear that our God is a vengeful one.”

Public Relations expert Dorothy Milic explained how celebrities often keep a close eye on disasters in order to make it about themselves.

“Happens all the time,” said Milic. “Famous people are constantly looking out for anything shitty to happen in order to insert themselves into the conversation. From Gwenyth Paltrow to Harry and Meghan, celebs are always seeking out the next big tragedy so they can send out a timely tweet, issue a public statement, or write a ballad. Residents who live through disasters like this normally have two pressing concerns: What will happen to their homes, and will Gal Gadot release another rendition of ‘Imagine.’ Either way, it’s very troubling.

At press time, Bono was overheard trying to find something that rhymes with “empty reservoir.”

Shrinkflation? My Hotel Room Doesn’t Have a Cuck Chair

By Ben Friedman 

Iam sick and tired of these corporations shamelessly screwing over the working class. Whether it be groceries, household goods, and even the hospitality industry, everywhere you look we’re getting less and less of a value for our dollar because some greedy boardroom bastards need to find some arbitrary way to increase profits to enrich themselves.

But tonight the shrinkflation epidemic has gone too far, because upon checking into this hotel with my wife and her boyfriend, I’ve found the room is deprived of a cuck chair.

As a longtime member of the La Quinta loyalty program it’s a slap in the face to people like me, a regular customer who books this hotel once a month so another man can satisfy my wife in ways that I cannot. But no, here I am perched on the dresser like some cuckold gargoyle because management couldn’t spring an extra $200. Do they expect me to sit on the other queen bed like some kind of third wheel? Come on.

I can understand, taken with a grain of salt, that businesses are tightening their belts out here because materials and resources are becoming more expensive. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a barely comfortable lounge chair slightly obscured by shadow from which I can watch my wife get railed by this guy she’d been sexting with on Reddit. I am literally getting less bang for my buck!

And don’t think I haven’t also noticed there are fewer hand towels for which I use to wipe my wife’s bull’s jizz off her tits? I might as well use my hands like I did that one time. This has the foul stench of private equity firms written all over it. What other entity would sink so low as to squeeze the working class out of our cuck chairs?

I’m a simple man, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that when I book a room for the sole purpose of being emasculated by a much better-looking and endowed man, the hotel provides basic accommodations such as a poorly upholstered chair a darkened corner of the room from which I can silently jerk off and lament that this is the only thing holding my marriage together. Anything less is practically highway robbery.

La Quinta is lucky I also have a findom kink, otherwise they’d lose my business completely.

Report: Record Scratch Still Best Way To Know You Walked into Wrong Bar

By Trevor Graham

NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new study from Columbia University seemingly proves that the sound of music abruptly ending with a record scratch upon entering an establishment is still the best indicator that a person has walked into the wrong bar.

“Based on extensive research conducted over several decades of incidents occurring from individuals entering bars that differ from their cultural or socio-economical status, the data strongly suggests that there is a 97.6% chance that hearing music stop with a record scratch as soon as you enter indicates you have walked into a place you shouldn’t have,” said researcher Thomas Clavin. “It also suggests that if the music starts up again after a few moments of silence it is safe to venture farther in and order a drink. However, if you were to order something like a craft IPA and the record scratch happens again it’s best if you leave immediately.”

One participant in the study says his experiences corroborate the study, especially in his continually gentrified neighborhood of Bushwick in Brooklyn, New York.

“So, my friends told me to meet them at the unmarked bar across from the artisanal pudding shop, and the second I get there and open the door the music stopped with a ‘SCERRREERRUURH’ sound,” said Jake Robinson. “That’s when I knew I had walked into the wrong establishment and that my friends meant the other unmarked place across from the other artisanal pudding shop. It also happened to the next four guys that came in after me. The weird part was that this place didn’t even have a record player.”

B-list film director Jeffery Knight who has made such low-budget action films as “Mercenary School” and “The Crushening” says that while the record scratch is the best way to know you walked into the wrong bar, there are others.

“Sure, the old record scratch is a good one but let’s say you make your way into a pub and you hear someone say ‘Looks like the circus is in town’ or even something as simple as the sound of a glass breaking followed by the screeching sound of a barstool being pushed back. Oh, you are really in the wrong place,” said Knight. “There’s also just the classic sound of a baby crying in the distance. Although if you hear a baby in a bar, you being in the wrong place is the last thing you need to worry about.”

At press time, Columbia researchers say that they have begun a new study that shows the best way to know if you have walked into a restaurant that is out of your price range is when the dining room goes silent except for a comically timed sound of a champagne cork popping.

Ted Mosby Pretty Big Dick for Not Warning Us About Nazi Revival of 2025

BY Nick Coffman 

NEW YORK — Stacey Fricks is done with fictional character Ted Mosby due to his failure to mention the 2025 Nazi problem in the character’s numerous anecdotes to his fictional children.

Fricks, the self-proclaimed, number one How I Met Your Mother superfan, shared her new stance on Ted with her roommates through the thin doors of her apartment.

“Ted Mosby is a pretty big dick for not even hinting at all this Nazi stuff in 2025.” Fricks shouted to her half asleep roommates. “I can kind of give him a pass for not mentioning Covid cause there’s a fan theory that Tracy probably died from Covid. I mean if you line up her death with the pandemic, it kind of makes sense, but Nazis, Ted, , you have to give us some kind of warning. He’s a smart guy. He wouldn’t be one of those people calling it “Elon’s Gesture”, he’d take a Nazi at face value.”

Frick’s fan theory filled rant continued into the night as she started to second guess just how smart Ted’s character actually was. .

“Ted did miss all the signs Robin was giving him that one time in season one. And he couldn’t read the room when Stella didn’t want any exes at their wedding. Oh god, he also dated that one punk chick who used to date that tattoo artist who was very Nazi-coded. Ted might actually be a Nazi.” Fricks said, spiraling out of control. “That’s it. From this day forward I will no longer watch How I Met Your Mother. No more Slapsgiving or the Naked Man for me.”

Fricks isn’t alone in her new found dislike of the show. Hundreds of very online HIMYM heads took to the internet to call for a boycott. Josh Radnor, the actor who portrayed Ted Mosby, commented on the boycott during an interview on CBS Mornings to discuss his upcoming HIMYM rewatch podcast, How We Made Your Mother.

“I personally denounce Nazis,” Radnor said, staring down the barrel of the camera. “Now Ted on the other hand, who’s to say? I guess you’ll just have to listen to How We Made Your Mother to get the full picture.”

At press time, Frick’s had started her 128th rewatch of HIMYM to prepare to listen to HWMYM in the hopes Ted’s nonchalance to Nazis would be given proper context.