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Hard Digest February 4: Early Access Friends, Rocky Horror, Thrash, and More

Added 2025-02-05 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Friend Says You Can Have All Their Worthless Shit if They Die

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Kevin Wright announced plans to leave all of his worldly possessions to his best friend should he die, according to relieved members of their friend group who dodged that bullet.

“I guess I’m supposed to feel honored?” said Steven Coehlo, Wright’s beneficiary. “But I know what kind of stuff he has and I don’t have any interest. I’m stressing out thinking about having to donate, sell or throw away all of his dumb garbage. He does have a decent record collection—or did, rather, before his cat pissed all over them. There is a chance I’ll be able to avoid the whole situation by dying before he does. I’m not going to burden anyone with my stuff, though. My will says to flush my ashes and throw all my shit in a dumpster.”

Wright believes he is doing Coehlo a favor by bequeathing his “assets” to his friend.

“I think about death a lot due to living what some might call a reckless lifestyle,” said Wright while casket-shopping online. “It was a no-brainer that Steven should be the curator of my valuables when I pass. My biggest asset is probably my huge collection of VHS movies, many of which I taped off of TV myself. Also, I have the complete run of Cracked magazine from 1986 to 1991. My hope is he’ll dedicate a room or two in his house to showcasing my memorabilia as a kind of shrine. Though if he falls on hard times I have left instructions for which items he’d be permitted to sell.”

Pawn shop owner Glenn Crenshaw says people tend to vastly overestimate the value of their possessions.

“Millennials and Gen Xers come in my store with stacks of ‘90s comic books or boxes of CDs expecting a big payday,” said Crenshaw. “Then I have to tell them that it’s all basically garbage. I feel sorry for them, really. They were misled by Boomer parents who thought all their shit was going to be worth something. You know the glass cabinets full of ‘fancy china’ that Boomers treat like a Smithsonian exhibit? That’s all worthless. I’m bracing myself for the upcoming flood of Trump-branded crap coming in here that dipshits thought would increase in value.”

At press time, Wright rented a storage unit in which to keep his growing collection of Funko Pops.

Opinion: I Had a Hard Year, so Please Let Me Gatekeep “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”

By Jonah Nink

Ihad a hard year. I was laid off, lost my healthcare and my dog. My wife left me and took our kids and the house. Life has knocked me down, and I desperately need a win. It’s for this reason that I ask, no, beg you: please, please, please let me gatekeep The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Oh, you haven’t seen Rocky Horror?

It might be too late for you; us Rocky Horror fans are an eclectic band of enthusiasts dedicated to celebrating the most influential rock opera of the last millenia. Assuming you can even stay up until midnight to see a screening, you’ll quickly realize that we aren’t your average movie audience. But we accept anyone, regardless of marital status, child custody ruling or credit score.

You’re what we in the community call a “virgin,” and it’s tradition that I get to write a “V” on your cheek. Yeah, this starts with me touching you. Of course you can say “no,” and I’m the only one in the community who enforces it, but that just means no one appreciates this movie like me. Everytime I greet someone at Walmart, I can guarantee that I know more about Rock Horror than they do.

Last year my credit score dipped below 250, so sue me if I need to let off some steam by loudly quoting every line of the film as it’s said onscreen. Or if I throw three bags worth of rice at the screen that the independent movie theater’s staff will have to work overtime to clean up after we’re done. I don’t even listen to the steps of the time “Time Warp” because I’ve memorized how to do it.

Hell, I’ll give you the fold out futon that I sleep on if you can tell me which one of the side characters is Riff Raff.

Community helps us through the hard times, and the Rocky Horror community is one of the best out there. Even if I was fired from hosting screenings because I was caught fixing the costume contest so I won every time, I was welcomed back after only three years.

It’s good to have a safe space to yell “slut” in a movie theater without consequence.

Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel Announce “Mid-Sized Four of Thrash” Concert

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By Steve Packosky | February 5, 2025

SAN FRANCISCO — Semi-titans of American thrash metal Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel announced their plans to play a concert in the same vein as Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax did with their series of vaunted “Big Four of Thrash” shows, sources report.

“Having played in Slayer for some of the Big Four shows, I saw how successful they were, and I wanted to give the next tier of American thrash a chance to put on something similar,” longtime Exodus guitarist Gary Holt offered. “Obviously, this show isn’t going to be held in a huge stadium with a per ticket price of $200, but we’ll definitely be able to fill up a mid-sized venue with four bands that, if I’m being completely honest, have had way more consistent outputs throughout their careers than any of the Big Four bands, I presume.”

Thrash metal fan Ricardo Alvarez reacted to the news with excitement.

“This is going to be fucking awesome,” Alvarez mentioned. “I’ve definitely seen all these bands before, but never at the same time. I spent an arm and a leg going to see the Big Four in Yankee Stadium back in 2011, so it’ll be nice to see some objectively better thrash metal in a much more affordable setting. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking back then. Was it really worth it to pay all that money to hear ‘Peace Sells’ and ‘Enter Sandman’ for the millionth time? At least now I’ll get to see Dark Angel play stuff off ‘Darkness Descends,’ which rules because that album is an absolute thrashterpiece.”

Mid-sized venue owner Tim Dodds was also excited for the show.

“This will be a total cash-in for me,” Dodds said emphatically while rubbing his hands together. “Thrash metal fans are known beer drinkers, so I’m going to make a fortune out of the shitty 24-ounce cans of Miller Lite we’re going to sell. Not to mention what I get to rip off from the artists by taking cuts from all the merch that fans are going to buy. Cleaning all the puke off the walls and floors after the show is going to be a small price to pay for the mountain of money I’m going to be sitting on after this.”

At press time, Sacred Reich, Vio-lence, Death Angel, and Hirax announced their own “Small Four of Thrash” concert.

Nintendo Announces Switch 2 Cartridges Can Be Taken Rectally

BY Ben Friedman

KYOTO — In a surprise Nintendo Direct regarding the Switch 2 details, the company has revealed that the new console’s cartridges can enter the human body rectally, their official social media accounts have confirmed.

“We clearly underestimated how many people out there have pica disorder, considering how many complaints we received over the taste of Switch cartridges despite the fact that was to deter ingestion. So one of the improvements we designed for the Switch 2 is the ability to shove the games directly up your ass. It was more cost effective than developing a palatable chemical to coat the cartridges with,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “Instead, each game will be coated with lubricant so they’ll easily install it into the Switch 2 system or right up into your anal cavity. We hope this feature will sate your need to put our products inside your bodies for some reason. We pulled most of our resources off developing the next F-Zero game to work on this.”

Product testers were eager to get their hands on the new cartridges for their YouTube reviews.

“You know how someone tells you not to do something, and it just makes you want to do it even more? I actually did the taste test a few years ago because Nintendo can’t stop me, and my taste buds still haven’t recovered. So the green light to put cartridges up my butt is a big improvement. I don’t care if these new games need to be surgically installed in my brain, I need to be the first to review them and own the algorithm, dammit! I’ve been waiting so long just for anything Switch 2 related, so if I have to shove a few copies of Mario Kart 9 up my ass then so be it.,” said James Wallace. “It’s that little protruding piece at the top of the cartridge I’m a little worried about, but then again people doubted the GameCube and Wii controllers at first. I just have to trust the Nintendo design team that they know what they’re doing.”

Nintendo later added the Switch 2 Joy-Cons would be ribbed and powered by the same motor used in Hitachi wands.