Hard Digest February 3: Early Access KISS, Cults, Merch, and More

KISS Releases Signature Brand of Tepid, Uninspired, Derivative, Bland Coffee

By Steve Packosky 

LAS VEGAS — Notable classic rock band and purveyor of merchandise KISS released a signature brand of coffee whose taste is closely aligned with their mundane musical output, bored and unimpressed sources report.

“Our new line of ‘I Was Made for Lovin’ Brew’ signature coffee has a taste that will affect you the exact same way our music does,” KISS frontman Gene Simmons said while relaxing in his unspeakably lavish Las Vegas mansion. “It’s a standard Colombian brew along the lines of something like Maxwell House or Folgers, that’s best enjoyed black and served at room temperature, preferably while listening to one of our more featureless songs like ‘Lick It Up’ or ‘Rock and Roll All Nite.’ It’s even low in caffeine to preclude the possibility of the consumer receiving even a superficial rush of adrenaline upon drinking it. Let’s rock!”

KISS superfan Mitch Smith reacted to his favorite band’s newest item.

“I drank a couple cups while listening to ‘Crazy Nights’ this morning,” Smith offered. “It was like drinking lukewarm water with the barest hint of coffee flavor, which is basically the beverage equivalent of the music I was listening to. I didn’t even feel energized after drinking it, and actually fell asleep at my kitchen table. It was great! The price tag was a little steep at $30 for a 12-ounce bag, but it was totally worth it if you ask me. I’ve already paid exorbitant amounts of money for KISS air guitar strings and KISS condoms, which I’ve never used, so I’m glad that I’m able to get some utility out of one of the KISS-themed items that I own.”

Coffee distributor Jen Styger weighed in on the situation.

“This is without a doubt the most dull coffee I’ve ever tried, so I’m shocked at how well it’s selling,” Styger commented. “I guess you’ve got to hand it to KISS that they know what their fans want. People have been eating up their particular brand of sleep-inducing rock for over five decades now, so I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised that they’re also interested in such lackluster coffee. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m complaining. It’s up to me to move all these units, and they’re making my job easy.”

At press time, Metallica announced the release of a signature brand of coffee that tastes incredible in the first four sips, then awful for the remainder of the cup.

Five Freelance Gigs That Ended With Me Being Sucked Into a Cult

By Ben Friedman

Not many people can say they can spend weeks, sometimes months, researching stories about some fascinating people and religions. It’s surprising what you can learn about the rich tapestry that is America, specifically how easily you can get too involved in a story and end up relinquishing all of your money and possessions to charismatic leaders. So with a bit of hindsight, here’s five times a freelance gig ended up with being sucked into a cult.

Commune with Nature
It seemed like a great idea on paper: head out to rural Idaho to spend a month with a hippie commune to paint a portrait of self-sufficient individuals who’ve cast off the shackles of modern society. Plus the whole “free love” aspect of it was going to be the icing on the cake. Fast forward six weeks later and we’ve missed 23 calls from our editor because it turns out the commune is less a co-op and more just 15 hours a day of farm work so the leader known only as “Daddy” can sell produce at a fancy suburban farmer’s market. The smell of unbathed hippies will not be missed but damn did they make a good fermented wine.

Xenu We Hardly Knew You: The True Story of Scientology
The obsession with the secrets of Scientology made for an excellent expose on what actually goes on in these “information centers”. But who do I see standing in the lobby but Jenna fucking Elfman, and being the Looney Tunes: Back in Action superfan that I am I just had to speak with her. She ended up being a phenomenal source of information, but when it was time to write the story I found myself at OT Level IV and cut off my suppressive family.

LuLaRoe: Yoga to Be Kidding Me
Being a freelancer is a lot like being your own boss. And since LuLaRoe’s main hook is about being your own boss, I was already 50% of the way to the truth. I mean listen girlie, it’s only a $10,000 investment, and once you get ten people underneath you the leggings practically sell themselves! Ugh, it’s been hard to shake this one off especially since getting banned from Fiverr for trying to recruit other freelancers to sell this crap.

Make America Great Again Great Again, America
Dismantling MAGA talking points is like shooting fish in a barrel, but Trump supporters are a content goldmine. While filming a sizzle reel for Vice, their infectious enthusiasm for making America a theocratic ethnostate ruled by a madman was actually kind of fun, like a treehouse club of people detached from reality. My enthusiasm for their cause began as irony, but somewhere along the line slid into earnestness, like how some people become Ween fans. Eventually, constant exposure to their bullshit had me lying awake at night wondering where Hillary’s emails are and how quickly she can be put in prison for them.

Neptunians Unite: Glory Unto the Queen Mother
Okay listen all those other ones were cults of personality or religion, but this one is the real deal according to the guy handing out pamphlets at the airport. Why our editor rejected a 10,000-word masterpiece on the coming master race from Neptune only ensures their destruction at the hands of the all-powerful Queen Arleth, glory be unto her. And when the day of her ascension comes, boy oh boy will the gigs roll in as we take our place as chief propaganda officer, and 1099’s are forever abolished.

Man Forced to Buy $85 Tour Hoodie After Mistaking Merch Line for Bathroom Line

By Mac McCarthy 

SAN DIEGO — Local show attendee Sean Jessey had no choice but to purchase unwanted concert merch to avoid admitting publicly that he’d spent 30 minutes in the wrong line, according to impatient sources.

“I couldn’t tell the guy at the merch table that I really just needed to take a leak, not buy this piece of shit hoodie,” said Jessey, as he looked with disappointment at the crooked logo on his new sweatshirt. “I’d gone to the bar when I got here instead of watching that terrible opening band, and I thought there was enough time to go break the seal before Bad Religion came on. But when I got to the front of the line, I panicked and bought the cheapest thing they had in my size to get out of there. It was either this or a $60 poster that would’ve been crushed by the end of the night. They were all sold out of the $5 patches. That would’ve really helped me out of this jam.”

Friends of Jessey revealed that he missed his favorite band’s set during his voyage to the merch table.

“I don’t get why this is so fucking difficult for him,” said Richard Jarrett, as he scanned the crowd for his lost friend. “That idiot told us he was just going to go rock a piss and come back with drinks. Bad Religion played for over two hours and Sean still isn’t back! I gave up waiting about halfway through their set and went to get my own beer. Unfortunately, I mistook the bar line for the merch line. Long story short, I bought this $45 shirt I didn’t really want. But hey, at least I made it back in time to catch the second encore.”

Employees at the venue explained that this is a frequent occurrence there.

“People don’t pay attention when they’re in a crowd, they see a line forming and rush to claim a spot before it gets longer,” explained bartender Raul Troy. “Nobody bothers to check what the line is for. There was a guy at the bar last week who screamed at me for not having any medium shirts. Another one spit on me and said I wasted his time because he thought he’d been in line to take a photo with the band. You learn to expect these kinds of things when you work in this industry.”

At press time, Jessey was seen tying the hoodie around his waist to hide his visibly wet pants as he reentered the merch line.

Activision Announces “Cabela’s Big Game Hunter: Endangered Species Edition” for High-Ranking American Businessmen

BY Steve Packosky 

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Video game publisher Activision has announced “Cabela’s Big Game Hunter: Endangered Species Edition” for high-ranking business executives and sons of prominent politicians, sources report.

“Our past hunting games were huge successes with our country’s working class, so we wanted to cater more towards the 1% with this release,” Activision spokesperson Andrew Morris said. “Everybody has heard stories of corporate officials going on controlled hunts in Africa to needlessly stalk and kill beautiful, majestic endangered species like elephants and rhinoceroses, so we wanted to convert that experience to a gaming setting. The result is a perfectly rendered simulation that should sate the bloodthirst of even the most sadistic members of the elite.”

Restaurateur and former chairman of Jimmy John’s sandwich chain Jimmy John Liautaud commented on the upcoming game.

“My current philanthropic work with the Liautaud Family Foundation doesn’t always allow me to go on African safari, so this is great,” Liautaud offered. “Of course, there’s no greater rush than sneaking up on a defenseless elephant and blasting its brains out for literally no reason, but this new game looks like it will be a perfectly serviceable simulacrum. The only missing feature is the ability to pose next to the corpses with a thumbs up, so I suppose that’ll have to wait until I can get back out to Namibia.”

Animal rights activist Rhonda McClain had mixed feelings about the release.

“The premise of this game is disgusting and something I would never play,” McClain remarked. “However, the ability to act out fantasies in a virtual setting is kind of the point with video games. If this keeps even one psychopathic aristocrat from killing an actual animal, I’m all for it. Hell, now that Trump is back in office, the American public should support Don Jr. and Eric playing this game. That would certainly be better than those two worthless idiots going on another African killing spree, especially because now they’d be doing so at the taxpayer’s expense.”

At press time, Activision was working on a “Most Dangerous Game” DLC expansion that would allow the player to hunt other humans.

New Mario Kart Course an Eerily Accurate Map of Your Home

BY Cameron Lehr 

YOUR HOMETOWN — During a recent session of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, you noticed that the map you were currently getting blasted on was an exact model of your home, sources confirm.

“I was doing really good, okay,” you claimed. “There I was cruising along this new map in first place when I noticed one of the pictures on the wall looked a lot like my mother. I figured it was some kind of Freudian thing and didn’t think much of it but as I rounded the corner and drove into what looked like my exact living room I was justifiably scared shitless. It threw off my whole game. That’s why I lost!”

Andy Jackson, an investigative specialist for the FBI, revealed that were not the only individual whose home was adapted into a cartoon racetrack.

“This is one of a number of cases we’ve received about this issue,” said Jackson. “Some people are saying, ‘Hey, what’s the harm? It’s pretty cool to see my home alongside tracks like Coconut Mall and DK Mountain.’ I ask these people to please think of the ramifications. Sure, it’s cool to have Mario and Peach racing across your home office, but you Red Shell the wrong kid, and—boom!—he lands right on your exposed tax documents. Next thing you know the whole lobby is going crazy about your W-2’s” 

Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa released a statement responding to the controversy.

“We at Nintendo value above all us the safety and well being of our customers,” wrote Furukawa. “We seek to create joy and bring happiness through our games. Many players have expressed concern with the recent digital adaptation of their personal physical spaces, and we hear you. But this is nothing new in the current gaming marketplace. If you think Zuckerburg isn’t sending data from your Oculus to furniture manufacturers overseas, then we here at Nintendo have a Mushroom Bridge to sell you. So everyone just relax and remember how cool Tears of the Kingdom was.” 

At press time, Nintendo encouraged you and all Mario Kart players to stay safe, wear clothes around the house, and generally make your living spaces less visibly depressing.