Hard Digest January 26: Early Access Korn, Aging, Congress, and More

Korn Fan Begrudgingly Admits Band Peaked With the First 50 Seconds of “Blind”

By Zack Zagranis 

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources who didn’t think he made a compelling case.

“I love Korn, don’t get me wrong, but the older I get, the harder it is to pretend that the band has put out anything as badass as the quietly unhinged opening of ‘Blind,’” the 43-year-old Bakersfield native said. “Sure, to say a band hit their musical pinnacle after the first minute of the first song on their first album may sound preposterous. But there’s just something about how each instrument builds on the previous one—first the cymbal thing, then the ominously high guitar, then the uneven bass, and then the second sludgy-sounding guitar—all leading to the perfect climax: Johnathon Davis growling ‘Are you ready?’ Just talking about it gets me pumped to fuck shit up! Sadly, it’s all been downhill from there.”

Brennan’s best friend and fellow Korn enthusiast, Laurel Riggs, was slightly more generous when describing the band’s musical output.

“I’d say the band peaked more like a minute and 20 seconds into ‘Blind,’” said Riggs. “The song doesn’t get bad until Jonathon Davis starts in with his emo ‘place inside my mind’ shit. That’s when Korn jumped the shark. The band did come close to the opening of ‘Blind’ a few times. ‘Freak on a Leash,’ for instance, would be a killer track without all the bullshit scatting in the middle. The beginning of ‘Here to Stay’ is pretty good, but then the song just starts without asking any questions.”

Former Korn drummer David Silveria agrees with Brennan’s opinion on the band’s musical output.

“It hurts to know that you’ll never write anything better than 50 consecutive seconds of rapidfire cymbal hits,” said an exasperated Silveria. “That’s one of the reasons I left the band. I suggested we write another song that gently elevates until we hit the audience with a random question, but they refused, so I bounced. There’s no point to being in a band if you’re not going to recreate the formula that just works. If I had it my way, every song would just be a variation of ‘Blind.’”

At press time, Brennan also revealed that he believed Deftones peaked after the first 20 seconds of “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away).”

Opinion: The Hardest Part of Aging Isn’t the Physical Changes, It’s No Longer Being Offered Drugs

By Jennifer Donovan

The joyless march towards death comes with many indignities like wearing earplugs at concerts, knees that can’t outrun cops, or trading in your favorite Vans for something with more arch support. But nobody tells you of the invisible toils of aging. Nobody prepares you for the indignity of no longer being offered drugs, now, at a time when you need to escape the horrors of your reality more than ever.

It happens so slowly at first you may not realize it’s happening to you. You may be fooled into thinking this new generation of young people just doesn’t party like they did “in your day.” (That’s a thing you say now, but only ironically.) But I’m here to let you know they DO party. Unfortunately, they clocked your New Balances the moment you walked in and were waiting for the creepy youth pastor (that’s you) to leave the bathroom before they got down to business.

Did you catch that subtle head nod from the attractive stranger at the bar? Did you think that was for you? Ha! That wasn’t for you, you dumb old fuck! It was for the 20-something behind you and that quick glance toward you was a silent inquiry as to whether or not you were a narc. Yes, they are heading to the afterparty but you, my geriatric friend, better hurry home to hydrate and moisturize before you shrivel into a decaying mass of flaccid flesh.

Once you’re wise to the game you’ll notice that not only are you not being asked to join the party, you end the party, simply by being there. And not being offered party favors is actually just the beginning. Soon you won’t even be able to seek drugs out without someone fearing you’re a cop. I recently spent 30 minutes engaging with a man selling “seashells” on a beach in the Bahamas. I used every nautical drug innuendo I could think of and the only thing this guy had for me was actual decorative seashells. Twenty years ago that man would have sold me so many drugs I would have spent 3 days in a relationship with a stray dog I believed to be my twin flame and now he’s got me pegged as a wired fed, or worse, someone that needs another shellacked seashell to accompany my Live, Laugh, Beach themed bathroom. I did purchase two of those seashells but only because it’s important to support small business (Right? Right?!).

Just because I’m advanced in age doesn’t mean I don’t want to party. I mean, I don’t drink any more on account of the ulcer, I’ll pass on the psychedelics as they tend to flare up my diverticulitis and I won’t touch coke with this arrhythmia situation but it would be nice to be ASKED.

Congress Amends Rules So Caretakers Can Vote on Their Behalf

By Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Congressional lawmakers reached a new bipartisan consensus to allow their caretakers to vote on their behalf, confirmed sources who weren’t terribly surprised by the whole ordeal.

“As a lifelong government official, I understand the significance of allowing my congressional vote to count long after I lose basic cognitive and motor functions,” said 91-year-old Senator Chuck Grassley. “Society must continue to drive forward, no matter how much the smell of encroaching death emanates from within me. With that philosophy in mind, the Granger Act will allow our caretakers to guess how we would’ve voted for a bill and make it count. And if they aren’t sure which way we’d vote, all they need to do is check our corporate donor list and just do what they would do.”

Caretakers, on the other hand, aren’t so eager about this legislative change.

“It was stressful enough to have to listen to an old senator yell at me for not warming up her soup to her liking while she was having visions of the ghosts of Elvis Presley and Buddy Holly haunting her with an ear-shattering duet,” said local nurse Lydia Firestein. “But now we have to vote on which civil liberties our patients want to chip away? Which arms shipments to kill civilians they want our tax dollars going toward? No thanks. I already miss the old days when all I had to do was vote every four years, only to see it not count whatsoever because of the Electoral College.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has her own concerns with the recently passed bill.

“We might be able to get the Green New Deal through the gridlock in a few decades at this rate! Maybe after enough cities and coastal towns sink into the seas, I guess,” said Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. “If these Boomers won’t voluntarily retire at a reasonable age, we’re going to start seeing more and more of this self-preservation of power. Half of these ghouls already have their caretakers voting for them. Don’t be surprised if we also have their funeral home director, casket maker, and ditch digger lined up to vote for them as well.”

At press time, Congress was already amending the bill to allow caretakers to vote on their behalf for a good 100 years after they’ve passed.

RFK Jr. Willingly Infected With Las Plagas

BY Ben Friedman 

WASHINGTON — The Senate’s Health Secretary confirmation hearing for RFK Jr. hit a snag after it was revealed that he willingly allowed himself to be infected with the Las Plagas parasite while in Eastern Europe, congressional sources have confirmed.

“So there I was in rural Spain about to chow down on this dead wolf I found in a bear trap when suddenly I was carried off by these guys from a local men’s group called Los Illuminados. It was quite frightening until they told me I was going to be infected with a mind controlling parasite under the watchful eye of this fellow Saddler. Having hosted a parasite or two in my time, it actually sounded like a sweet deal,” said Kennedy. “I mean look at these guys! They’re super jacked, eat a healthy raw meat diet, and are staunchly anti-vax. Plus the promise of ascending to a new level of human evolution unlike the world has seen wasn’t too shabby either. Aside from my veins turning black, I feel pretty good.”

Senators on the confirmation panel were hesitant about Kennedy’s willingness to incubate a deadly parasite.

“While we appreciated Mr. Kennedy’s candor, that he would accept an otherwise unknown ancient insect to his body without thinking of any adverse effects is troubling considering he is being considered to oversee the nation’s public health. Plus the hearing is dragging out longer than it needs due to him constantly interrupting our questions by screaming random Spanish phrases,” said Senator Mike Crapo. “On the other hand, this ‘Lord Saddler’ who apparently controls the parasite, sounds like a strong leader with an aggressively loyal following, which is exactly what we need here in Washington. It’s unconventional, but he could be an agent of change.”

Los Illuminados leader Osmund Saddler was still surprised by how easy his plan to take over the world was unfolding.

“I knew humans were feeble, but this feels almost too good to be true. But he didn’t look all that right in the head anyway, and was far more receptive of our gift than that other Kennedy. And to think we built a whole fortress and amassed an army in case there’d be retaliation! Looks like I won’t have to recruit Pete Hegseth after all,” said Saddler. “At least Los Plagas took to him nicely. Our attempts to infect President Trump’s sons ended with the parasites dying within minutes.”

As of press time, Kennedy was confirmed in a 51-49 vote, despite a blade whipping parasite exploding out of his head during the confirmation hearing.