Hard Digest January 24: Early Access Billy Corgan, Death Metal Drummers, Awareness, and More

“What Does Billy Corgan Think About All This?” Wonders Billy Corgan

By Ryan Werner 

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins singer and National Wrestling Alliance owner Billy Corgan suddenly wondered what Billy Corgan thought about all that was going on in the world, confirmed the man himself.

“Politics, for example. What would the man who famously wrote the line ‘the world is a vampire’ have to say about that?” said Corgan in the mirror. “I’m sure William Patrick Corgan, Jr. has a lot on his mind regarding Trump’s presidency, foreign wars, and the TikTok ban. It’s not unlike band politics, which I know all about. But do people ask me about it? No, which is messed up because I’m sure they’d want to hear from the guy who once released a double album called ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.’ And don’t even get me started on religion. I lived through Nirvana once already.”

Those close to Corgan were not really wondering what he, in fact, thought about all this.

“I’d be trying to get through soundcheck so I could do almost anything else, and he just wouldn’t stop talking,” said former guitar tech for Smashing Pumpkins Craig Drake. “They’d play a song and Billy would want to try a different guitar, which is no problem. What is a problem, though, is having to hear him talk about some sort of current event that always ended on some sort of tangent about him not wanting to include any hits in the band’s setlists. I think one time he compared Zwan to the United Nations.”

Rock historian Marty Merfeld revealed that this isn’t something specific to Corgan.

“So many rockstars have this sort of center-of-the-universe way of thinking. They get caught up in the everything of it all, in a way,” Merfeld said. “The stories I’ve heard about Paul Simon talking about Iran-Contra. Sting and the collapse of the USSR. Gene Simmons and the late-aughts recession, obviously. They think people want to hear what they think because their music is popular. What they’re forgetting is that news and reporters exist already. Walter Cronkite never made an album, and Billy Corgan should maybe consider that when he starts telling a barista about the US transportation budget.”

At press time, Corgan was reportedly telling an uninterested gas station clerk his opinions on the previous week’s WWE Monday Night Raw.

If You’re Thinking All the Stamina it Takes to be a Death Metal Drummer Translates to the Bedroom, Well, You Couldn’t be More Wrong

By Chris Bowen 

I know that anytime you go to a metal show and focus in on the drummer pounding away on the skins at 250 beats per minute, you must be thinking, “Wow, that guy has been going a million miles an hour all night, I bet he’s a real animal in the sack.” You would be correct if by “animal,” you mean “an extremely winded sloth-like creature desperately seeking water and a place to pass out.” In other words, don’t let the blast beats fool you.

It’s a pain I know all too well I’m afraid. Being the victim of the “death metal drummer who must be an endless sex machine” stereotype, that is. Curious onlookers immediately assume that just because I can blast through a cover of “Devoured by Vermin” without breaking a sweat, that must mean that I could give them the best sex of their lives. That kind of pressure alone is enough to break a man when “getting down to business!” When I see the disappointed look on their face 40 seconds into bumping uglies, and they see my beat-red, lifeless body laying there, I just know they’re thinking, “Oh my god, Should I call 911?” They then realize I’m hardly the George Kollias in the sack they assumed I’d be.

Some people have told me it might help if I turn on a box fan and have it pointing at me during sex so I can cool down a bit like I do on stage. I’ve tried, and it doesn’t help. The fan just becomes another witness to be inability to pleasure my sexual partner.

Death metal drummers aren’t the only type of person this happens to however. I like to take solace in the fact that I’ve known guys who skateboard who go through this as well. Women think, “Wow, look how high he can kickflip, he’s probably really good at sex!” When in reality, the act of skateboarding has shaken their genitals so much it renders them completely useless, and the amount of times they’ve credit-carding themselves, most of them have given up sex altogether. These are the prices we pay for having “cool” hobbies in our 30s.

So next time you’re eyeing some stud behind the kit, don’t just go assuming things. Sure, his double-bass abilities might make him seem like an unstoppable, uber-stamina-possessing sexpot, but chances are, you get him in bed, he’ll undoubtedly have you reaching for the defibrillators in an unpleasantly short amount of time.

Sad: Woman Forced to Be Aware of Her Surroundings

By Dom Turek 

It is essential for women in big cities to be aware of their surroundings. It’s also essential for women in mid-sized cities, small towns, quaint villages, and hamlets where your closest neighbor lives 3 miles away, since they are likely to start plotting your capture the moment they see you jogging in one of those slutty “she was asking for it” sports bras.

Getting home safely involves weighing risks and making calculated decisions, such as, “Would I rather be assaulted walking home or in an Uber?” It’s not always easy to be a vigilant pedestrian, but Sheia Ortega does it with the ease of someone who has been preyed upon by older men since middle school.

Following a 10-hour shift at a local restaurant, Ortega would love to put on her noise-canceling headphones and walk to the bus stop, but she’s acutely aware this is a nighttime activity reserved for men or women who know jiu-jitsu.

“Last week, I sat down next to a complete adrenaline junkie,” said Ortega. “She was listening to music, reading a book, and then later leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes for a few minutes. Whether this kamikaze-esque mission was the result of complete burnout or surrender to the seemingly unending violence against women, no one knows, but I was inspired.”

A woman’s best case scenario is to arrive safely at her destination without harm or incident, but even then, you have to keep your finger on the mace trigger and listen to peripheral conversations about cryptocurrency, fantasy football, and a guy complaining about his wife being a “total bitch,” all in the hopes you’ll be able to stop a potential attack before it starts.

“I sometimes wish someone would attack me to make all this preparation mean something,” said Ortega. “Last night a man sat next to me on the train and ate an entire tin of spaghetti with what I can only imagine was an expired debit card, and then he hit on me.”

Fortunately for Ortega, her suitor reacted better than expected to the rejection and called her an “ugly whore” instead of killing her.

Ecco the Dolphin Caught in Tuna Net

BY Steve Packosky 

PACIFIC OCEAN — Video game protagonist Ecco the Dolphin had his adventure cut short when he found himself snagged in a tuna net, sources report.

“I had just sent Ecco off to the sunken ruins of Atlantis to retrieve the orbs I need to aid him on his quest, and he just disappeared above the water’s surface,” said the Asterite, an ancient marine life form. “Apparently a boat full of humans accidentally caught him in one of their tuna nets, which really sucks because we need Ecco if we’re going to defeat the Vortex and prevent them from depleting our oceans of their resources. I haven’t even given him the ability to regenerate lost health yet. This is an absolute disaster.”

Fisherman Zeke Barton reacted to the accidental catch.

“While we’re clearly out here to catch tuna, accidents can happen,” Barton admitted. “We sometimes bring up dolphins in our nets by mistake, but this one in particular looks pretty special. Before we brought him to the surface, we could see him swimming with these short bursts of speed and ramming into these gnarly-looking jellyfish. It seemed like he was up to something important. Maybe it has to do with that giant waterspout that occurred earlier. Come to think of it, we haven’t seen any tuna around since that happened. I’d better free him so he can get back in the water and save the ocean.”

Zoologist Kira Corcoran weighed in on the situation.

“Humans are often interfering with the adventures of animal video game characters,” Corcoran mentioned. “I’m always encountering tragic stories in my case studies, such as the time Funky Kong was shot by poachers who had snuck into Donkey Kong Country, as well as when Sonic the Hedgehog was struck by some maniac who had driven his Subaru onto Green Hill Zone. Video games are pretty similar to the world we inhabit, in that everything would be much better if humans weren’t there to tamper with nature.”

At press time, Ecco had been freed from the tuna net, only to be sickened by an oil spill from a nearby tanker.

Nintendo Reveals Mario Went For First Colonoscopy, and He Feels Great

BY Peter Ferrarese 

REDMOND, Wash — With their beloved company mascot turning 40 this year, Nintendo has revealed that Mario recently went into his gastroenterologist’s office for his first colonoscopy, and the goomba-stomping protagonist says he’s “never felt-a better” post-procedure, according to reports.

“As the Mario brothers age, we want to ensure that they remain in good health.” said current Nintendo global president and CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “As you may be aware, it is important for all men over the age of 40 to receive a colonoscopy as the risk of colon cancer and other serious illnesses increases. And that includes everyone’s favorite Italian plumbers! They want to spread the message that we should all be getting our ‘pipes’ checked…my apologies for the crude expression.”

While Mario was apparently in a bit of a daze from the anesthesia after waking up from the exam, the results were all clear and his digestive system is in great health, per sources within the UW Medical Center.

“I’m pleased to report that Mario is doing just fine,” Dr. Sheldon, MD told the press. “We found no abnormalities in the digestive tract. He eats a lot of Italian cured meats and cheeses in addition to all of those mushrooms and fire flowers, which makes him pretty gassy from time to time, but hey, farting is good for you, I always say!”

Other company executives, including Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser, offered their reactions to the good news.

“This is so great for business – um, I mean, for Mario, of course.” Bowser said in a statement. “It’s heartening to know that he still has a bright future ahead of him even after all his years of making our company proud. And he’s doing his part to associate us with men’s health, which is just so overlooked usually, you know? It’s a really positive development for Nintendo- uh, for men all across the globe, who will hopefully be inspired to get themselves checked.”

At press time, other famous Nintendo characters from Donkey Kong to Wario were spotted sitting in the GI’s waiting room, while Mario’s brother Luigi was apparently on a heated phone call with his health insurance provider.