thehardtimes

Hard Digest January 22: Early Access Explosions in the Sky, Rockabilly, Custody, and More

Added 2025-01-23 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Explosions in the Sky Derides Nation’s Recent Drop in Stirring Sports Movie Output

AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the instrumental post-rock band Explosions in the Sky condemned Hollywood’s current lack of emotionally resonant sports movies that would be enhanced by a score consisting of the group’s signature musical aesthetic, confirmed sources.

“Most of our album and ticket sales come from people who wept like a baby at the end of the OG ‘Friday Night Lights’ film,” said guitarist Mark Smith. “Sure, the movie can’t seem to decide whether it’s about the glory or dangers of high school football, but the vast majority of our fans are happy to give us money while they gush about how that ending scene actually made them feel something for the first time since their grandmother’s funeral. But anyway, how are we supposed to move albums if people aren’t going to associate our big emotional crescendos with underdogs persevering on an athletic field? It seems like everything that comes out now is some sort of sad indie flick or a slasher film. The crushing elegance of a song like ‘Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean’ just isn’t going to work with a ‘Terrifier’ movie.”

Explosions in the Sky fan Dwayne Marsh sympathized with Smith’s perspective.

“I love this band, but let’s face it: all their albums have the same loud-quiet-loud dynamic, and then finish up with a wall of distorted power chords,” said Marsh. “If I’m going to buy a new album, I’ve got to at least associate it with a moving depiction of hardworking and selfless athletes defying the odds. Otherwise, it’s just gonna sound like the last album and every other one in their discography. Hell, I’d even take a soundtrack from a baseball movie at this point.”

Music critic Dave Goldman believed the band needed these types of sports movies to succeed.

“Many people say they’re an Explosions in the Sky superfan, but they barely seem to listen to them outside of what they hear on film,” Goldman explained. “But when anyone puts on ‘Friday Night Lights’ or ‘Blue Mountain State’ or even the teaser for ‘Street Fighter V’ suddenly they start staring into the distance with a tear rolling down their cheek, quietly whispering about how they haven’t called their dad recently. I mean, yeah, it’s easy to get sucked into all the pathos. Unfortunately, bands without singers require a sports movie to be played over it to fully enjoy.”

At press time, Explosions in the Sky announced their own newly founded movie studio, the debut release of which will be about a one-legged runner who wins the Boston Marathon.

Oh, You’re Into Rockabilly? Name Three People Who Might be Interested in This ’32 Roadster I Need to Sell Before the End of the Month

By Mac McCarthy

Yo there, Daddy-O, you seem like a mighty hep cat! I dig your pompadour and that vintage leather jacket. And are those 501s rolled up to show off your creepers? I’ll bet you’re pretty keen on Rockabilly music, aren’t you? Well If you’re so into Rockabilly, you can probably get three people on the horn who would all love to cruise home from this bash in a cherry ‘32 Ford Roadster. Seriously though, you must know somebody who wants to buy this car, right? I need to get rid of it like yesterday or my wife is taking the kids and scadaddling.

I thought I’d spend every night leaning against my souped-up high body outside the diner like James Dean. I’d run a comb through my hair while I decided whether to take this ragtop out for a drag, or to take my sweet Betty to the drive-in for a little backseat bingo.

Instead, my wife told me to stop calling her “Betty,” and the night manager at Denny’s demanded I buy something if I was going to loiter in their parking lot all night trying to race the customers. And it turns out the 1932 Ford Roadster doesn’t even have a back seat for me to “bingo” anyone in!

I was only able to get the Roadster to run a few times before it died and I had to have it towed home from Denny’s, and I honestly don’t know shit about fixing cars. But even if I did, have you seen how expensive it is to maintain a 90-year-old hot rod? I can’t afford to own this thing anymore! It’s been in my garage gathering dust for months. Surely one of your cool greaser friends could get it running again?

I thought maybe I could turn my garage into a ‘50s-themed hangout space around this old car, but none of my friends wanted to listen to the Stray Cats in a room covered with pinup posters and watch me smoke unfiltered cigarettes and use outdated slang. So I tried reaching out to the company that makes the pinups to see if any of the models in them wanted to come check out my Roadster, but they threatened to call the cops if I contacted them again.

It’s time to move on from this phase before the missus makes me move out of our house. I wore out her patience when I quit my job to focus on my music. She’s given me the rest of this month to get rid of the Roadster and get a job or we’re through. You can take the damn thing for free as long as it’s gone by the 1st.

Judge at Custody Hearing Deeply Moved by Dad’s Acoustic Bass Solo in Closing Arguments

By Courtney Hill

KEENE, N.H. — Family court judge Deanna Westcock was unexpectedly persuaded to reconsider a tense custody battle following a stirring acoustic bass solo by the defendant in closing arguments, sources close to the case reported.

“In 30 years on the bench I’ve seen grown men beg, grovel and weep for my mercy, and none of it has had a fraction of the impact that that acoustic bass solo had on me,” Judge Westcock remarked while removing her robe to reveal a Jill Sobule shirt. “It started like any other acoustic bass solo; a random sequence of Dorian arpeggios drowned out by string noise and fret buzz. But gradually it bloomed into this moody meditation on personal flaw, the weight of shame, and the grace of redemption. The sheer humility of it all was undeniable. Clearly this man had already begun the transformation into the father and husband he was always meant to be.”

Defendant Aaron “Stash” Gavin, who acted as his own attorney, shared what inspired him to choose such an unconventional closing argument.

“Acoustic bass is what got me into this mess, so I knew it was the only way out,” Gavin explained while using flashcards to relearn his kids’ names. “The judge was just staring at me so I played what I felt, and what I felt was the sense that my family is more important than playing in three Dispatch cover bands. The deeper I went into the solo the more it dawned on me that jamming along to ‘Days of the New’ is no replacement for going to my kids’ baseball games and dance recitals. At one point I went completely out of body into arpeggio oblivion, but when I came back it was clear to me and everyone else in the room that I would never let acoustic bass come between me and my family again.”

Law professor Vernon Twack illustrated just how make-or-break a courtroom musical performance can be.

“An intimate rendition of ‘Justifiable Homicide’ by Dying Fetus is a classic tactic in capital cases to sway a jury heading into deliberation,” Twack explained while letting AI grade term papers. “But it can easily backfire. In one high-profile jaywalking case a defendant played ‘Stairway to Heaven’ not realizing the judge paid for law school working at Guitar Center. He overruled the jury’s not guilty verdict and gave the guy a life sentence. As for Judge Westcock’s change of heart, it turns out acoustic bass can do more than make a campfire jam even lamer.”

At press time, Gavin and his two kids were spotted outside Trader Joe’s performing as a Rusted Root cover trio.