Hard Digest January 21: Elon, Biden, Early Access Shoegaze, Joint Supplements, United Airlines, and More

People Elon Musk Pays to Be His Friends Ask For Raise Before Agreeing to Defend Nazi Salute

By The Hard Times Staff 

WASHINGTON — The collection of white dorks that make up Elon Musk’s entourage asked for a significant raise if they are expected to publicly defend their boss from criticism following Musk’s Nazi salute at a Trump inauguration event, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’m Elon’s short ‘friend,’ he keeps me around to make himself look taller in photos. A typical day for me is waking up and liking everything Elon posted on X. Then I practice laughing in the mirror so that when we hang out I’m warmed up to laugh at everything he says and make it sound convincing,” said Eddie Menscomb, who has been on Musk’s payroll for six years. “But it’s been tough these past few months. When he jumped around on stage in Pennsylvania, I had to go on X and talk about how cool he looked and how he had a ripped six-pack. It felt dirt then, now after the Nazi salute I’m going to need a lot more money if he wants me to speak up for him. I’ve already talked with Elon’s fat friend, bald friend, and the friend with eyeballs just a little too far apart and we’ve all agreed to stick together until our demands are met. My only concern is how much leverage we have since so many people online are willing to defend him for free.”

Musk was quick to dismiss the blatant symbol of hatred he proudly did on stage, twice, as left-wing smear tactics.

“It’s so tired that everyone calls me a Nazi just because I made the exact same gesture Nazis did back when they were in power. I feel bad for these people because they just don’t get my sense of humor, if they were on my intellectual level they would see how obvious and based of a joke that was,” said Musk while taking a break from Trump events to hire someone to beat a video game for him. “The real Nazis are the people who are calling me a Nazi. I see them on X every day talking about how billionaires should be killed. It’s sad, sometimes when I’m in my spaceship I feel like a modern day Anne Frank.”

Political scientist Amelia Green does not expect this controversy to have any lasting effects on Musk.

“I’m not sure how much more clearly I can say this, but we live in Hell. The world’s richest man made an obvious overture to Nazis and mainstream media outlets are calling it ‘an awkward hand gesture’ and debating what it could have meant. The Anti-Defamation League should be sounding the alarm, but instead they seem to laugh it off and tell everyone to keep a cool head,” said Green. “I’m not even sure how we fight back at this point. We need more Luigis, that’s our only hope.”

At press time, Musk was seen trying out new facial hair in the mirror and claiming it was inspired by Michael Jordan in those Hanes commercials.

Former President Biden Excited to Start New Chapter of Destroying Homes in Palestine as a Private Citizen

By The Hard Times Staff 

WILMINGTON, Del. — Former President Joe Biden announced he is embarking on a new project designed to destroy the homes of innocent people living in Palestine, then illegally rebuilding structures for Israeli settlers, sources confirmed.

“Listen Jack, I wasn’t able to finish the job in Palestine, and that knowledge would haunt me until my dying days. I know I have more in the tank,” said Biden while pretending to shadow box and getting extremely winded. “That’s why today I’m starting Habitat for Israeli Settlers which will focus on seizing land in the West Bank, destroying the homes that are already standing, and rebuilding beautiful structures for Zionists. I’m inspired by my predecessor Jimmy Carter, he did so much for the American people, and now it’s my turn to give back to the people of Israel. They are sort of like Americans, they sure do get a lot of our tax money.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was excited about Biden’s new endeavor.

“Joe has always been a great friend to Israel. He has already promised he will bring as many privately owned bombs as he can. We are trying our best to find workarounds for this unfortunate ceasefire and if we have a former American President here then we can bomb anyone we want and say it’s for security purposes,” said Netanyahu. “It will be a great success for Biden and Israel if he is able to deliver on this beachfront property. I hope to have a home there myself someday.”

Palestinian activists immediately criticized the former president.

“We thought we were a bit safe if a Democrat was in power, but it turns out Democrats and Republicans have the same blood lust,” said Ilham Mathhar while picking through the rubble of a school she once taught at. “The only solace I take is that Mr. Biden is so old and weak I’m not sure he could swing a hammer. I’m also not sure he could hold a hammer with all the blood he has on his hands.”

At press time, Biden was seen posing with a variety of bulldozers his new organization plans to donate to Israel.

Shoegaze Guitarist Plans to Learn to Play Once Pedalboard is Perfect

By Tim Graham 

GREAT BEND, Kan. — Neil Stamp, guitarist for local shoegaze band Quavver, intends to work on playing the guitar as soon as he settles on the ideal configuration of pedals, according to clerks at his local music shop.

“I think my pedalboard setup is almost ready,” said Stamp while putting velcro on the bottom of a newly purchased $300 delay pedal. “If Quavver wants to be taken seriously alongside all the nu-gaze bands that are blowing up, we’ve got to have the perfect sound. Once I’ve got the guitar tone dialed in, I’ll sit down and really figure out how to play chords and what the lines and dots on the neck-thingy mean. I don’t actually have a lot of time to think about guitar anyway because of the night job I got to help with my pedal bills.”

Drummer Craig Cartwright says Stamp asked him years ago to join the nascent band but they have yet to get together to practice.

“We’ve made plans to meet up, but Neil always cancels at the last minute,” said Cartwright. “The issue is usually that he just got some fancy new pedal and needs to figure out how to incorporate it in the signal chain. One time I was hanging out over at his place and he was showing off his pedalboard, but never played a single note. I’ve never actually heard him play, come to think of it. That giant board is crowded with expensive pedals from all these little boutique makers. I swear the board is worth more than his car.”

Guitar pedal manufacturers exploit the fact that their customers have an almost addictive compulsion to buy new gear, according to whistleblowers.

“Companies are very aware that guitar pedals destroy lives,” said an industry insider who wished to remain anonymous. “Pedal addiction can end marriages. Some companies actually hire tobacco and gambling industry consultants to maximize the addictive nature of pedals and sell more units. They really bleed their customers dry, pumping out pedal after pedal with minor updates that do the exact same thing as 100 others already on the market, knowing full well most of them will be played through once, if that.”

At press time, Stamp had cashed out his 401k in order to purchase a vintage Klon Centaur overdrive at what he described as “a really great price.”

False Advertising? I Ate All My Dog’s Joint Supplements and if Anything I’m in Even More Pain

By Ben Friedman

Iwon’t lie, I definitely take better care of my dog’s health than I do my own. I want to ensure that he lives as long and as comfortably as possible so I don’t mind spending a little more money on his vitamins and minerals. However, I’ve neglected my aging body for so long that my knees sound like rusty hinges every time I bend down to pet him. I figured fuck it, I already dropped $90 for his fancy joint supplements so I might as well partake and save myself a trip to Walgreens.

I believe I need to have a word with the manufacturer because overall I’m in ten times more pain than I was before I ate this entire bag of doggie joint meds.

With all these vitamins and miracle cures on the market, you’d think at least one or two of them would be safe for dog and human use. I assumed all bones and joints are pretty much the same across the animal kingdom, at least according to the two medical sites I found on page 12 of my Google search.

Taking animal meds like ivermectin is dumb and dangerous, I get that. But this is different because I’m bigger than a dog but smaller than a horse, so I figured there’s no way eating this whole bag would have me writhing on the floor. They’re practically advertised as cookies! As soon as I regain my strength I’m going to send them a strongly worded comment on their Instagram page. Anyone want to go halfsies on a class action lawsuit?

I cannot be the only one who has fallen for this. The ingredients kinda looking like normal supplements in that they’re all big words, but I couldn’t be fucked to look up them because science is for dorks. They should’ve specified somewhere on the packaging that non-canine consumption would lead to internal bleeding.

All this because I didn’t want to pay more money for some bullshit like fish oil and have non stop diarrhea, which ironically is great for giving dogs a healthy coat. Well the joke is clearly on me because I have been shitting my brains out for two days straight and I’m blind in one eye.

On the upside, the intestinal trauma is a nice distraction from my aching joints. You win this round, PetSmart.

United Airlines Rolls Out New “24 Years Without a 9/11” Ad Campaign

By Tim Sheard 

CHICAGO — United Airlines unveiled a new ad campaign that will emphasize the length of time that’s passed since the coordinated attacks on the United States by members of al-Qaeda on September 11, 2001, sources report.

“United Airlines is aware that its reputation has suffered over the years, and this new campaign will attempt to remedy that,” representative Shirley Reddle said. “What better way to do this than by highlighting the fact that it’s been well over two decades since one of our flights was hijacked by terrorists and flown into a New York City skyscraper? We here at United Airlines like to focus on the positives in every situation, and this series of advertisements will remind our customers that whatever complaints they may have with our services are inconsequential in comparison to what transpired on the darkest day in our country’s history.”

Passenger Jake Rothski was uneasy about the new campaign.

“I mean, it’s obviously a good thing that we haven’t had a 9/11 in two and a half decades,” Rothski offered. “I just don’t know if that’s the best message for a company to put forth in its advertising. Isn’t keeping your customers safe from radical militants kind of the bare minimum for an airline? If that’s the best they can offer, I’ll just have to take my business elsewhere. After all, there are plenty of other airlines that can make the same claim while also offering much better customer service and more legroom. As far as I can tell, Delta wasn’t involved in 9/11 at all, and they’ve never lost my luggage like United has.”

Advertising expert Raul Huppman weighed in on the situation.

“Companies will often bring up tragedies in their commercials in lieu of actually taking measures to improve their performances and reputations among their customers,” Huppman provided. “Jack in the Box recently released an ad bragging that their food has not caused any deaths from E. coli outbreaks since the early nineties, and we can totally anticipate Boeing mentioning that no holes have recently formed in the sides of their planes within the next few years. Unfortunately, this is as close as companies get to accountability in late-stage capitalism, so consumers will just have to live with it.”

At press time, Ford had also released an ad campaign celebrating 31 years without one of their trucks being used to bomb a federal building.

FDA Bans Red Dye No. 3 After It Turns the President Into Red Hulk

BY Garry Kerls 

WASHINGTON — The US Food and Drug Administration is banning the use of Red Dye No. 3 in food, drinks, and medication, after President Donald Trump mutated into the Red Hulk due to over indulging in the carcinogenic dye.

“We’re monitoring Mr. Trump’s condition and are pleased to announce he has never been healthier!” Sean Conely, Trump’s primary physician, told reporters. “What began as a perfectly normal candy corn habit in October, has healthfully progressed into a gamma-esque radiation mutation, but don’t be alarmed! The President has assured me he has never felt better.”

Just days into his presidency, Trump has grown to the size of a regular Hulk, while retaining all the mental capacity needed to govern one of the most powerful countries on Earth.

“I actually have a great relationship with Mr. Hulk,” said Trump during a tangent answering a question about inflation. “Many people are surprised when I say that, but he came up to me one day, big guy, strong guy, tears in his eyes, he said to me ‘Mr. Trump’ – I wasn’t President at the time or he would’ve called me President Trump – he said ‘Mr. Trump, Hulk smash,’ and I’ll never forget it, that’s what he said to me, true story.”

The FDA’s decision to ban the dye is on the heels of Trump’s Department of Health Secretary, Robert Kennedy Jr., calling for the removal of all dyes in food, drinks, medicine, and hair products. 

“The color red is a noble color, reserved for things like the humble tomato, ripe red peppers, and the blood of slain whales and bears,” said RFK Jr. unprompted during his Senate confirmation hearing. “These food dyes allow disgusting, processed garbage to masquerade as ‘strawberry milk.’ What even is strawberry milk? I’ve never seen a strawberry’s nipples despite years of searching, have you?”

At press time, President Red Hulk has assured the American people he will only transform during the incredibly rare occurrence of getting angry. 

In Memory of David Lynch, I’m Rewatching Twin Peaks Except for Most of It

BY Jus Kaplan

The passing of David Lynch is undeniably a huge loss for the world of cinema. With classics like ‘Eraserhead’ and ‘Mulholland Drive,’ he cemented himself as the surrealist. A true iconoclast. He will be missed.

To honor his legacy, I decided to rewatch one of his most renowned works, ‘Twin Peaks.’ I plan to get a few episodes into Season 2 before I completely give up on it and turn it off, just like David would have wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, Season 1 of ‘Twin Peaks’ is iconic. Rewatching it feels downright dreamlike. It makes me crave cherry pie from the Double R Diner and yearn for a time when teenagers could seemingly skip high school for weeks at a time as they investigated a supernatural murder. Of course, I’m still fast-forwarding through every scene where James is just brooding on a motorcycle. 

But Season 2 after Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed is pretty much unwatchable. David said it himself: “The second season sucked.” I’m not a hater, it’s just the truth.

So instead of finishing all 22 episodes of that drawn-out madness, I’ve decided I’ll just drink some black coffee and smoke a few hundred cigarettes. I might even carry around a log for a little bit and stare at pictures of owls. 

That would definitely mean more to David than relearning who the fuck Windom Earle is. What does that weirdo have to do with Laura Palmer again? I can’t remember, and I refuse to learn. Also, I vaguely recall that he kidnaps that douchebag Leo, who somehow fell out of a coma I think? I couldn’t keep up the first time I watched it, nor will I attempt to do so now.

There is absolutely no way David would want me to spend any time thinking about why Big Ed’s wife Nadine suddenly gains super strength after her accident, or why she starts dating a high schooler. Also, was Catherine impersonating a Japanese businessman really necessary? I still remember the audible “what the hell” I muttered when I saw that. It would just be cruel to put myself through that again, let alone the Season 2 James-Evelyn Marsh subplot…

For now I’ll skip to Twin Peaks: The Return since I’ve heard good things. I think David would agree with this decision. I’ll have my doppelganger fill me in on anything I missed along the way.