Hard Digest January 20: Early Access Disturbed, Instagram, Winter, and More

Disturbed Reveal “Down with the Sickness” Also a Simon and Garfunkel Cover

By Steve Packosky 

CHICAGO — Nu-Metal band Disturbed revealed their 2000 hit “Down with the Sickness” was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover much like their 2015 hit “The Sound of Silence,” surprised sources reported.

“Yeah, not very many people know that a good 75% of our songs are just covers of old folk songs,” frontman David Draiman provided. “True fans of Simon and Garfunkel will recognize ‘Down with the Sickness’ from a rare collection of B-sides that they released in the late sixties as part of the ‘Bookends’ sessions, but I can understand how the casual listener may not have heard the original version. Being a native of New York City, I of course grew up on Simon and Garfunkel, and consider them one of my biggest influences. Obviously, Disturbed makes their songs better when we decide to cover them, so it makes total sense that our versions completely overshadow theirs.”

Fan Audrey Enapay was taken aback at the revelation from one of her favorite bands.

“I couldn’t believe that ‘Down with the Sickness’ was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover,” Enapay admitted. “I just listened to the original for the first time, though, and it totally tracks. I was really shocked to hear Paul Simon randomly start ranting about his mother in the middle of the song, too, especially because I’ve never heard him swear like that. The song is incredibly sonorous and touching, and Art Garfunkel’s voice sounds so beautiful when he hits the ‘oh wahh ahh ahh ahh’ at the beginning. I’m surprised so few people have heard this track. Disturbed really did the world a favor by bringing such a work of art into the mainstream.”

Singer Art Garfunkel reflected on Disturbed’s rendition of his work.

“I was initially flattered with all these covers, but I really wish Disturbed would write some of their own songs,” Garfunkel said. “I don’t think their style really lends itself to our music that well, but they’ve been insisting on covering us routinely since they formed back in the early 2000s. I discovered that I’d really had enough when I first heard their cover of ‘The Sound of Silence,’ and I hope you can understand why. I don’t think I’ve ever cringed so hard in my life. I haven’t been able to listen to the original since, which is a shame because that’s one of our most popular songs. They must be stopped before they get their hands on the ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ album.”

At press time, Fred Durst had revealed that “Break Stuff” was also a George Michael cover.

How I Stopped My Addictive Cigarette Habit by Spending 18 Hours a Day on Instagram

By Zachary Wolf

I don’t know why everyone always complains about how hard it is to quit smoking, I did it the first time no problem. All I had to do was spend every waking hour, minute, and second, staring at Instagram. Look at me now, I’m no longer bound by the chains of smoking, and am free to scroll until the end of time. Like a cigarette that doesn’t go out.

My lungs have never felt so strong, and my sense of taste and smell hasn’t been this good since I was a kid. Sure my neck always hurts from looking down, and my entire hand is one giant cramp, also my back always hurts because I don’t stand up anymore, but at least I don’t stink like cigarettes.

I’ve gained a few pounds since I stopped smoking, which is understandable. Cigarettes are an appetite suppressant, and plus I have to constantly eat junk food to fill the void in my oral fixation caused by stopping smoking. But hey: three bags of Doritos, six packs of Kit Kats, and gallons of Dr. Pepper a day is a lot better than smoking a few cigarettes.

My friends complain that they never see me anymore since I quit, but I send them dozens of memes on Instagram every hour so they should shut up. Besides, I’m too tired to go see them since I’ve replaced sleep with an endless supply of Reels tailored to my exact tastes. When you spend as much time on Instagram as I do, the algorithm really dials it and satisfies me much more than smoking does. Or my friends, for that matter.

Speaking of satisfying needs, ever scroll for an hour after sex? Not only can you stay in bed, but you don’t have to talk to the other person either. A lot of times they’re gone before you know it, which leaves me more time to feed the algorithm.

Rather than smoking while I drive like I used to, I simply crack the window and pull up Instagram while driving to and from work. It barely distracts me, and I’ve only gotten in three or four accidents since I quit last month.

So if you want to quit smoking but haven’t had success with replacements like gum, vaping, or the patch (if it even still exists), just do what I did: dedicate your life to the infinite dopamine loop known as Instagram.

Black Metal Fan Delighted to Find This Year’s Farmers’ Almanac Predicts a Long, Cold Winter

By Chris Bowen 

BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several spiked gauntlet-wearing sources report.

“When my grandpa bestowed the knowledge unto me that the unholy doctrine of the Farmers’ Almanac has prophesied a long, grueling winter ahead of us, it brought great pleasure,” Rubenstein explained. “I will spend many upcoming winter nights dwelling in my kingdom cold, which also happens to be my parent’s getaway cabin in the Catskills, writing and recording for my one-man depressive suicidal black metal project MisanGoat. Come to think of it, hopefully mom and dad remember to call the electric company to turn the lights back on before I get there. Or maybe the lack of electricity is just what I need.”

Rubenstein’s grandfather recalls the jubilant reaction of the news he broke to his grandson casually in passing.

“I’m wondering if those spiked armband things he always wears are cutting off the blood flow to his brain,” Albert Rubenstein stated. “He’s never cared about farming or crops or cows or anything like that. I only told him about what I read in the almanac because I wanted him to put down those plastic battleaxes for his Instagram photos, and get his shoveling arms ready! He kept going on about a ‘Harvest Blood Wolf Moon’ that comes every 80 years or something. I don’t know, he’s a good kid, plus I never have to worry about him hounding me to borrow my car because he never leaves the house.”

According to some experts, the forecasts told in the Farmer’s Almanac have played an important role in the genre’s subculture.

“True black metal has always been anti-Bible, and very pro-Farmer’s Almanac,” scene veteran and expert Peter Andersson explained. “The contrast between a book of lies like the Bible and a tome that grants the power of predicting the harsh weather conditions in which we in the black metal scene feed on is vast. That’s why it is so popular amongst grease-painted black metal warriors across the United States. ‘Sons of Northern Darkness’ by the band Immortal was actually a full album response to the 2002 winter prediction, and that’s their best album!”

At press time, Rubenstein became excited after learning the almanac also predicts a hefty sweet corn crop this year, despite not quite knowing what to with that information.

TikTok Ban Lasts Slightly Longer Than Average User’s Attention Span

BY Matt Fresh 

WASHINGTON — The United States government’s ban on the social media platform TikTok has officially ended. Affecting around 170 million users of the app, the ban lasted just slightly longer than those users’ collective attention spans.

“I’m just so happy it’s back. I really didn’t know what –” said TikTok user Frank Hart before becoming distracted by a squirrel running up a tree. “Like I said, it’s just great it’s back and I don’t have to find something else to do while I’m watching a movie.” Hart continued after quickly losing interest in the squirrel.

Hart wasn’t the only TikTok user who was ecstatic about the news. Many of them rushed back to the app to make videos celebrating its return.

“That was the most agonizing period of my life,” recalled TikToker Jenna Geller in a video of her twerking in the middle of rush hour traffic on the freeway. “It was banned for so long I never would have believed it could come back. I mean those few hours were absolutely harrowing. I was so bored, there was nothing to do. I had to resort to reading a book, luckily when I took a break after the first paragraph to scroll Twitter I saw TikTok was back.”

Kenneth Hong, a spokesperson for ByteDance spoke about the process for getting the app back up for its American users.

“We understand how difficult this was for our users and we deeply apologize that they had to go several hours without being able to scroll through 30 second videos algorithmically designed to keep them docile. Luckily as soon as President Biden took his 12:30 nap we were able to distract incoming President Trump with dangling keys long enough to convince him that bringing our app back will be good for him. After all, people won’t be privy to the actions of a fascist oligarchy while they’re watching snippets of flossing teens and funny cats for 12 hours a day.”

At press time, in light of TikTok’s return Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Meta will be shortening the maximum length of Instagram Reels to 4 seconds.