Hard Digest January 18: Early Access Questlove, Pandemic Albums, and Retirement

Questlove Wonders What He Must Have Done in Past Life to be Forced to Listen to Jimmy Fallon Every Night for Past 15 Years

By Doug Kolic 

NEW YORK — Ahmir K. Thompson, better known as Questlove from the band The Roots, recently questioned what kind of horrible person he was in a past life to have been forced to work for Jimmy Fallon on “The Tonight Show” for the past 15 years, according to other staff members wondering the same thing.

“I know it seems like I’ve got a good thing going here,” a rehearsing Questlove stated before being pushed aside at his drum kit by Fallon who wanted to spontaneously riff. “But as you can see there’s more to life than money and fame. You know what it’s like when you feel pressured to laugh at every stupid joke your boss makes? It’s like working with a real life version of Michael Scott without the charm. I’ve never believed in reincarnation until a few years ago when I figured I must have been a real piece of shit in a previous life to have to see this guy’s face every day. I probably massacred a whole village of 18th century peasants or something.”

Fallon chimed in with his take on Questlove’s employment.

“He’s such a kidder!” giggled Fallon as he handed out copies of his latest holiday album to anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact. “Seriously, that dude knows he’s lucky. He gets to practice his craft while at the same time having a front row seat to one of the funniest shows and most zaniest hosts on TV. Trust me, bro, people love me. They tell me to my face all the time each year when I do their yearly reviews and their paychecks depend on it.”

Expert Katie Simpson explained how reincarnation may impact other celebrities.

“The list is long,” said Simpson. “Many celebrities in unfortunate situations may very well have done misdeeds in past lives. According to my research, Kevin Eubanks, who spent his career working with Jay Leno, lived a past life where he was in charge of signing off on the safety of hydrogen to fuel the Hindenburg. And DJ Tony, who had the dubious honor of working with Ellen Degeneres on her talk show for eight years, was found to have very likely been the reincarnation of Joseph Stalin.”

At press time, Questlove nearly drove off the road after Fallon jumped up from the back seat with one of the Jonas Brothers for an impromptu karaoke song.

Opinion: I Have Finally Come Up With a Theme for My “Pandemic Album” and That Theme is Isolation

By Mimi Kenny 

As a creative, it has always been imperative for my art to speak to its moment without feeling confined to any particular zeitgeist. Timelessness cannot be forced. Instead, it must be cultivated naturally through curiosity, trust, and patience. That’s why I’m proud to say that I’ve finally realized isolation should be the prevailing theme of my album about the COVID-19 pandemic.

I can still vividly recall – back in 2020 – when the coronavirus was declared a pandemic and everything started shutting down. The loss of regular in-person human contact was disorienting, to say the least. As was being confined to my basement studio, which didn’t get much in the way of sunlight. I knew this period – however long it may be – necessitated chronicling. What I struggled to arrive at was an overarching concept, one that evoked not just this era-defining event but also bridged it to humanity and its inherent need for connection. I knew it would come to me eventually. But when?

There were a few false starts. For instance, in October 2020, I thought the theme could be “werewolves” but then I remembered I had just rewatched “The Howling.” Then, I think it’s a murderous bipedal revenge demon until nope, I had just rewatched “Pumpkinhead.” I was kind of freaking out about it once stuff started opening back up. For my own peace of mind, I had to let go and let it come to me. I won’t say my hope didn’t waver at times. But I never gave up entirely. The other night, as I was falling asleep, it suddenly hit me five years later: isolation.

Like, just think about it. The pandemic was a time of distance, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’ll never forget – on about the fourth day of quarantine I started looking through old yearbooks and talking to my cat like he was my therapist. If that’s not isolation, I don’t know what is.

It didn’t stop there. If anything, this sense of isolation grew the more time I spent by myself, gradually losing touch with the outside world. It may seem like an obvious theme in hindsight. But some things can only be realized in hindsight. And I truly believe that the time spent waiting for it to come to me has only strengthened my ability to communicate it.

And the best part? The lyrics are all already taken care of thanks to ChatGPT.

Naive Man Puts Money Into 401(k) as if Future Exists

By Trevor Graham 

BENTONVILLE, Ark. — Local naive man Collin Blakeman blissfully contributed savings to his 401(k) despite the fact there is no future in which he will be able to use them, sources who need to have their Xanax prescriptions refilled confirmed.

“It’s exciting watching my portfolio grow and it gives me peace of mind knowing that by the time I’m ready to retire decades from now, I’ll have a nice little nest egg,” said Collin Blakeman, 34. “I’m on track with my retirement fund that by 2057 I’ll have enough saved up that I’ll be able to travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef and also Alaska to see those giant icebergs and maybe some polar bears. Heck, I’d even be happy to go to Los Angeles and see Malibu. There will be so many opportunities for me in the future.”

Some friends of Blakeman say they think he is wasting his time and money by saving for a future that doesn’t exist, however.

“I don’t get why Collin, or anyone for that matter, would bother wasting their money saving for the future. Does he not see what is going on around him?” said Tim Slinger while frantically scrolling news stories on Reddit. “Everything is so fucked and the world is literally on fire. And oh… look at this! It’s an article about how microplastics are basically everywhere and are probably floating around in my brain right now. If I were Collin I would just spend my money getting wasted to numb the crushing weight of reality which is what I am going to do right now.”

Financial planner Kelly Trainor says she understands how in these troubling times some may be wary of saving for an uncertain future but she still advises her clients to contribute to savings and not just because otherwise her career would become irrelevant.

“I always tell my clients that I get it. You look at any news now and you can’t help but feel like things are bleak,” said Trainor. “But I always say to them that if you just ignore the certainty of an impending climate disaster, escalating global nuclear tensions, international terrorism, domestic terrorism, the near certainty of worsening pandemics, major US cities engulfed in wildfires, whatever the fuck those drones are in New Jersey, and probably some other unimaginable hell that surely awaits humanity, it’s still best to continue to invest in their futures.”

At press time, Blakeman said he was in talks with a realtor about buying a house that as he claims “Will be great to raise a family in and who knows, maybe someday even have my grandchildren visit.”