Hard Digest January 14: Early Access Drummers, Pets, NYPD, and More

Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for Lunch

By Jeff Bender 

LAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where they stop for lunch, sources reported.

“Usually it’s Tongue [McSwayne], our frontman, who decides where we dine,” said Reed, who also drives the van. “But lately, I don’t know. I’ve been on a creative tear about where we could get lunch. Sometimes I wanna just be like, ‘Hey, how do we all feel about Saladworks?’ or, ‘Anyone thinking Whole Foods right now?’ These creative impulses assault me, mostly because I see the restaurants as I drive, and I’m just trying to let them breathe. But when I mention something to Tongue, he just says he’ll consider it and to pull over at the next Arby’s.”

The Assistant Coach lead singer had an eye-roll approach to Reed’s creative outbursts.

“Keith means well,” said McSwayne. “But we’d never be where we are today if we’d listened to his ‘ideas’ every time we stopped for lunch, brunch, or even—let’s face it—an early dinner. His instincts are all wrong. The other day he suggested Jimmy John’s with a stop at Minit Mart for trail mix. I just tell him we’ll have a band meeting about it, but let’s be honest, we’re not gonna meet about it. We all know what happened when Metallica let Lars take them to Another Broken Egg Café. Three months later, out pops ‘St. Anger.’”

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl offered some advice for Reed.

“Speaking as someone who’s been a drummer and a lead, I think it’s really important he tread lightly. Maybe make one small suggestion per week—and I’m talking conservative, like Cracker Barrel. Or maybe let Tongue ask, first, if anyone has ideas,” said the veteran, who’s in his fourth decade of navigating tour dynamics. “Could Keith be the next Phil Collins, calling out exciting and innovative lunch solutions when the frontman craps out? Sure. But he could also sink the band with his ‘creative input.’ As drummers, we need to keep to ourselves and do what they tell us—especially regarding dining options.”

At press time, McSwayne was in an IHOP parking lot auditioning new drummers to see how well they could shut up and drive the van.

5 Household Pets That I’ve Failed To Teach Karate To

By James Knapp 

Karate—the perennial backup sport for kids who weren’t coordinated enough to play soccer. And what is a more direct comparison to an uncoordinated child than the average house pet. Well, I have attempted to teach karate to five of the noblest of man’s varied best friends and, as my father said to me after every little league game, several spelling bees, and one particularly disastrous bring-your-child-to-work day, “it was all an abysmal failure.”

Here are the top 5 pets that despite my very best efforts, are sadly not ninja.

5. Snake
I never had particularly high expectations for the snake, despite it being the inspiration for an entire kung fu movie fighting style and the icon behind Cobra Kai’s philosophy. Kata demo afte kata demo the snake failed to learn anything, save for deception and treachery, which it already had a huge head start on because it’s a snake. Still, its body made a pretty decent karate belt to hold the whole gi together.

4. Parrot
I’d have thought a parrot would be better at learning karate than most birds. I mean, their whole deal is that they’re supposed to copy whatever you tell them, I figured I could apply the same logic to its muscle memory. But all this jerk did was dance around his oversized seed bell while repeating the phrase “Do some goddamn karate already, you smartass bird!” He lacked discipline is what I’m saying.

3. House Cat
I thought this one was basically a layup. The world’s foremost karate masters pride themselves on having cat-like reflexes, so I figured he was born halfway there! Here’s the thing about cats, they have no loyalties. Sure, though their lithe bodies and ability to always claw at the most vulnerable part of your body may lend themselves to karate in theory, without the essential respect for their sensei. Fluffy pissed all over my house, scratched the hell out of my furniture, and worst of all refused to take his shoes off on my matt. He’s a cat, he’s not even supposed to wear shoes at all!

2. Tarantula
A tarantula felt like it should be an obvious choice to learn karate. Like, long limbs mean strong kicks, right? What I failed to take into account is that, despite being larger than most spiders, they are still relatively easy to kill with a shoe. And though karate is usually taught barefoot, at some point this is gonna spill out into the real world and where the hell is it gonna be then? Splattered all over the wall of a PetCo aquarium display? Actually yes, which brings me to my next house pet…

1. Goldfish
Well I’ll say this for Goldy, he tried his little fish heart out. But without hands or feet or a memory that lasts more than eleven seconds his karate move selection was always gonna be very limited. Still, I think he did manage to learn a couple of defensive moves, like hiding behind the 19th-century scuba diver figurine in his tank, before I blasted that tarantula all over the glass and he had a little fish heart attack. Again, apologies to everyone at PetCo for my behavior, and I promise this will all go so much better when I try to teach all those rescue dogs to play poker.

NYPD Unveils AI Surveillance Program to Help Them Arrest Wrong Guy 70% Faster

By Matt Husser 

NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70% faster, law enforcement official sources confirmed.

“Crime sure feels like it’s at an all-time high, and that’s why the NYPD is proud to introduce our revolutionary new ‘AI in the Sky’ surveillance program that is guaranteed to get somebody—anybody—behind bars in under 24 hours,” said NYPD Chief Lou Maddrey, visibly struggling to keep Mayor Adams from taking the microphone during his press conference. “With the time that AI will save us on pesky detective work, we’ll be able to allocate twice as many officers to perp walk shackled fare evaders. We’re confident that this incredible technology will be instrumental in justifying why we need our budget to increase to $10 billion next year.”

New York City resident Terrell Jones was reportedly impressed with how quickly he was arrested after the AI tool pinpointed him, despite the fact that he did not actually commit the crime.

“I thought it would be impossible for me to have mugged that lady in Central Park since I was on a flight back to NYC from Toronto when it happened, but with the groundbreaking power of artificial intelligence it turns out I’m actually guilty—is there anything AI can’t do?” said Jones. “I’m on the flight manifest and everything, but if AI said I did it then I guess it must have been me. I hope my lawyer knows some good prompts to ask ChatGPT for a criminal defense strategy!”

Senior AI Engineer Thomas Paulson explained how the “AI in the Sky” program could pinpoint a suspect for any crime in just seconds.

“First, our proprietary algorithm searches the probability matrix and cross-references billions of facial recognition results within the quantum nexus. Then through the magic of AI, our program selects someone at random, and voila! There’s your suspect,” said Paulson, demonstrating the surveillance tool. “With a 100% arrest rate using our program, we can confidently say that AI will be the future of police work. Now we’ve heard some worrywarts describe our use of AI-surveillance to pinpoint suspected criminals with words like ‘unfriendly’ and ‘techno-fascist police state’ so that’s why it comes with a charming avatar of an eagle named Ian wearing a police hat to make your AI-powered arrest feel more fun and personalized.”

At press time, Paulson was arrested after the AI pinpointed him as the culprit for JFK’s assassination, despite not being born until 1985.

Facebook Classifies Phrase “Mid-Life Crisis” as Banned Hate Speech

BY Kyle Duggan 

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced additional changes to the company’s moderation policies, including a new list of banned terms, sources confirmed.

“Facebook and Instagram users of all temporal identities should feel welcome on our platforms,” said Zuckerberg. “Individuals who make hateful remarks about the clothing and haircuts of anyone born before the year 2000 will be immediately suspended, especially if those clothes actually look really, really cool. Additionally, anyone who makes disparaging remarks about divorced men or starts dating my wife will be permanently banned from all Meta platforms.”

Facebook users said they were still adjusting to the changes.

“I have a buddy who got banned for commenting, ‘OK boomer,’ under a post complaining about gender-neutral bathrooms,” said Tyler Cranston, 20. “I know better than to be that blatant, though. I watched the video of that weird, curly-haired old guy, where he told everyone to stop making fun of him. I get why they keep doing it, though. He just looks like one of those pale, shapeless fish from way at the bottom of the ocean. You know, like all really old people do. Maybe he should try mewing to get his jawline right.”

Gerontologist Dr. Steven Malloy explained the sudden change in Zuckerberg’s behavior.

“This is just a natural effect of his aging body,” said Malloy. “Every day presents a new challenge for him. New aches, pains. His mind is a bit slower. More and more wrinkles, a retreating hairline. Maybe his memory is slipping, too, and he’s having a bit of trouble managing his day-to-day life. He may struggle to get an erection. It happens to everyone. You really have two choices. You can take a moment to process the changes and understand that you are still yourself, and a person worthy of love and respect, even if you’re not quite as quick or strong as you used to be. Or you can panic, blame all of your problems on a vulnerable minority, and promote a nascent authoritarian regime. It all comes down to whether you are a good person or a festering pile of maggot-covered shit in human form.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was seen wearing sunglasses and purchasing an F-22 Raptor, asking the salesman if he could, “fly it with the top down.”