thehardtimes

Hard Digest January 13: Early Access Dimmu Borgir, Wahlburgers, Mattresses, and More

Added 2025-01-14 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is Acceptable

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers, sources confirmed.

“Yeah man, I’ve been a fan of black metal for as long as I can remember,” Donner mentioned. “It started when I heard Mayhem’s ‘Deathcrush’ EP when I was in middle school, and from there I got really into old Emperor, Darkthrone, and Immortal, and now I’m really into newer bands like Whoredom Rife and Murg. I’m not sure about Dimmu Borgir, though. I enjoy a lot of their music, but can I be an outspoken fan of them? I never got a clear answer to that question. I’ve heard some fans of black metal say that they suck, but a lot of other fans say they’re pretty good. I don’t think there’s ever really been a consensus in the community on how we should feel about them.”

Donner’s friend and fellow fan of black metal Kirk Arlin expressed a more confident view on the band.

“Dimmu Borgir are a bunch of posers,” Arlin said emphatically. “They’re Ozzfest-playing sellouts with over-produced symphonic attempts at black metal. All of their albums are dogshit. Well, maybe not all of them. ‘For All Tid’ and ‘Stormblast’ are pretty good. And I actually really like ‘Enthrone Darkness Triumphant.’ Some of their newer stuff is pretty good, too. I remember enjoying ‘Abrahadabra’ when it came out. I saw them live when I went to Wacken about a decade ago, and they put on a decent show. They definitely still suck, though. Like, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a Dimmu Borgir shirt.”

The band’s frontman Stian Tomt “Shagrath” Thoresen weighed in on the lack of common ground fans are able to find regarding his band.

“Honestly, I stopped worrying about that decades ago,” Thoreson noted. “I love black metal and have made a career out of it, but there really is no group of people more insufferable than fans of it. The second we became the slightest bit commercially successful and recorded our music with equipment better than a Sony Walkman from 1991, fans have been calling us sellouts and posers. At least we’re not a prog-rock band, though. Those fans are even worse.”

At press time, Donner was seen debating whether to take down his early Cradle of Filth albums before having his friends over.

The Next Wahlburgers? This Unrepentant Racist Manages a Five Guys in East Boston!

By Steve Packosky

Reality TV has to be one of the most prominent vices in society today, and many people tend to be fans even if they don’t want to admit it. Whether it’s Survivor, the Real World, or The Amazing Race, we just can’t seem to get enough of these seemingly unscripted programs. “Wahlburgers” followed the Wahlberg family across ten seasons through the trials and tribulations of operating their eponymous burger restaurant in Boston, and if you were a big fan, have we got news for you! While the show unfortunately aired its final episode in the summer of 2019, we may have just found its successor!

Are you ready for this?

Meet 43-year-old Maxwell Wynne, who manages a Five Guys in the Eagle Hill neighborhood of East Boston. Much like the namesake of Wahlburgers, Wynne happens to be a completely unrepentant racist! Looks like A&E is going to have another gem on its hands once this guy is discovered!
Move over, Mark Wahlberg!

That’s right! 24 years ago, Wynne was perusing Carson Beach with his miscreant friends when they cruelly and needlessly assaulted several underserved schoolchildren who just happened to be playing volleyball nearby. Wynne was charged with and pled guilty to two counts of assault and battery and was sentenced to eight months in jail, but only served 45 days due to the racial and ethnic disparities in our country’s criminal justice system. Sounds pretty similar to a certain rapper turned actor turned reality television star, now, doesn’t it?

The similarities don’t end there. In 2018, Wynne feebly and unsuccessfully petitioned the State of Massachusetts for a pardon to his conviction, much like Wahlberg did in 2014. To this day, Wynne keeps the similarities going by also being suspiciously tight-lipped and evasive when his horrifying and despicable past is brought up, and it may be too good to be true, but there are also rumors that Wynne has been overheard by his employees making shocking and laughable remarks about his assumed ability to stop the September 11th attacks from occurring!

Whoa! We’ve surely got a star in the making!

While Wahlberg’s completely unwarranted and undeserved stardom has yet to rub off on Maxwell Wynne, we’re thinking it’s only a matter of time before he’s discovered. While it may or may not happen, one thing’s for certain: we’ll be tuning in if his incredibly dull and monotonous daily life is portrayed on a derivative and uninspired reality show like Wahlburgers. Fingers crossed!

Aging Punk Who Once Slept on Floors Now Obsessed With Memory Foam Mattress Reviews

By Antonio Cruise

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area, reportedly become consumed by online memory foam mattress reviews, concerned sources confirmed.

“Look, back in ’96, I slept in a bathtub at a house show in Philly with three other guys after someone put a brick through the van window. But I’ve turned over a new leaf and prefer to watch Purple mattress commercials at 3:00 a.m. the way I used to watch punk documentaries,” said Rubenfeld, wincing from another sciatica flare-up. “But you know what? That cooling gel technology is way more revolutionary than anything Fugazi ever did. And don’t even get me started on reinforced edge support — it’s a game changer for getting in and out of bed with my bad knee.”

Cathy Rubenfeld, the scene veteran’s wife, felt nostalgic for her husband’s early days.

“He used to fuck me on the carpet floor of his apartment after Infest shows, and now I have to compete with Good Housekeeping articles for his attention,” said the wife of 12 years, as she watched her husband scroll through Serta reviews on his phone. “Last week I caught him making a spreadsheet comparing the tensile strength of different memory foam densities. Yesterday he called in sick to work because a Tempur-Pedic rep was doing a livestream about their new pressure-mapping technology. I miss when he was just obsessed with finding rare Gorilla Biscuits pressings on Discogs. At least then he’d leave the house to go to record stores.”

Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a cultural anthropologist specializing in aging subcultural demographics, says Rubenfeld’s case is far from unique.

“It starts innocently — maybe you bring a camping chair to an outdoor show,” explained Rodriguez. “Next thing you know, you’re comparing interest rates on zero-turn lawnmowers while wearing a zip-up hoodie from Costco. The transition from genuine punk to suburban dad who writes three-page reviews about mattress firmness is more common than you’d think. We call it ‘Domesticated Punk Disorder,’ or DPD.”

At press time, Rubenfeld was overheard berating a mattress store employee for suggesting memory foam and latex foam were “basically the same thing,” calling them a “fucking poser who probably sleeps on a futon.”