Hard Digest January 12: Early Access Merch Guys, Ween, Kissinger, and More

Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom Mirror

By Evan Vest 

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of The Catalyst, confirmed sources who skipped washing their hands to avoid disturbing him.

“As a merchandise coordinator, there’s a real fine art when it comes to being unaffected by your customers,” said Byrum. “The busiest time of any night is after the band’s set. The music sells the merch, and it’s extremely important to not let these alt-kids walk all over you with their simple questions and requests for a bundle deal. Showing these kids your eyes is akin to a dog showing its belly. That’s why I need to practice looking at anything except for my own eyeballs in the mirror. I do this for about two to three hours before showtime to really get myself in the right frame of mind.”

The band’s lead singer Terry Priors explained how this lack of customer service helped Byrum secure the job.

“Oh man, Darren didn’t even look at me the first several times we met,” Priors said while rolling a spliff with dirty hands. “I was impressed with the lack of enthusiasm for almost everything, so I sent him a text asking if he would like to jump on the road with us for the next tour. After three days he finally replied by sending back a message that just said, ‘k.’ I knew right then we had the right guy for the job. I don’t even know what his last name is and that’s how it should be. You should never get too close with your merch guy.”

Hung Jury fan Mike Stills recounted his experience in finding Byrum in the restroom.

“The first thing I found jarring was walking into the restroom to find somebody standing by the sink,” said Stills. “I quickly realized it was the merch guy rehearsing in the mirror. He was scrolling on his phone and any time he would glance up at his reflection he would verbally admonish himself. I also heard him repeatedly saying the mantra ‘Sorry, we’re out of mediums’ over and over.”

At press time, Byrum’s run as merch guy came to an end that night, as the band agreed to let him go after word spread that he laughed at a customer’s joke.

We Look Back on Ween’s “Chocolate and Cheese” Because They Banned Pornhub in Our State

By Drew Drevyanko 

In 1994, two charming idiots from New Hope, Pennsylvania, Aaron Freeman and Mickey Melchiondo (a.k.a. Gene and Dean Ween), gave us one of the most defining alt-rock albums of our generation, Chocolate and Cheese. Abandoning their signature lo-fi aesthetic for a professional studio, Ween proved they were ready to take their absurdist pop genius to the big leagues, creating a masterpiece that includes 60s psych-pop melodies, 70s funk rhythms, and an album cover that I am once again masturbating to.

Republican lawmakers can take away my God-given right to Pornhub, but they can’t take away my rights to pleasure myself while my wife and kids are at the grocery store. Speaking of, the first track “Take Me Away,” is a sweaty, Vegas-inspired jam that highlights Freeman’s impressive vocal range and showman skills, while Melchiondo’s fuzzed-out solo perfectly rounds out this opening ripper. You know what else is perfectly round? That set of boobs on the cover.

My lord, that underboob! It’s somehow even better than seeing regular, naked boobs. It leaves so much more to the imagination, like that time in college when Kimmy DeLuca almost had a nip slip at a car wash fundraiser for the field hockey team.

“Freedom of 76”, one of the most powerful tracks on the album, is a soulful nod to the city of Philadelphia. The jazz minor 7 chords by Dean, and the stirring falsetto vocals by Gene combine to create the quintessential soundtrack to rubbing one out to the sexiest headless woman I’ve ever seen.

With one hand on my penis, and the other on the Boognish, I’ve gotta say, I’ve never been this turned on by a belt before. I’ve experimented with belts in the past, but never thought of simply putting it around the waist.

In the Beatles meets Elliot Smith flavored “Baby Bitch,” Gener softly serenades us with the painful and vulgar, “Fuck you, you stinkin’ ass ho” which happens to be the opening line to the voicemails I’m leaving my state representatives until they bring Pornhub back.

Chocolate and Cheese cemented Ween as cult heroes and helped define their beautiful, fucked up universe for all of us to live in. With songs like “Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)”, “Buenos Tardes Amigos,” and “The HIV Song,” it’s probably the only album that can give you an aneurysm and an orgasm at the same time. For any fan of good music and even better tits, it’s an important album to have in the collection…until you can find a VPN to connect you back to Pornhub.

Henry Kissinger Masterminds First Regime Change in Hell

By Frederick O'Brien 

HELL — The underworld is in chaos after a coup d’état orchestrated by the late American diplomat Henry Kissinger sent Satan into hiding and installed Walt Disney as the new Prince of Darkness, sources confirm.

“I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch such a vital piece of the afterlife continue down the same path. Who runs the underworld is too important to be left to God to decide,” said Kissinger in between pointing and laughing at images of dead children meant to drive him insane. “The coming eternity will bring much-needed stability and opportunities for prosperity. Construction is already underway on additional circles of hell to accommodate the forecasted increase in anguish and suffering. Following a brief bidding process, I’m hoping to have Lockheed-Martin as our security contractor.”

A spokesdemon for the rebel forces insisted that the fight would continue for as long as necessary.

“This isn’t over. The forces of evil are with us and we will be relentless and unmerciful until we are restored to our unrighteous position at the top,” the source, who preferred to remain anonymous, growled. “This Kissinger is more cruel and ambitious than we could have ever imagined. Unfortunately, when someone has no soul they cannot actually be tortured. We tried everything in our arsenal and if anything it just made him more evil. This will truly be the fight that determines the most evil ruler of Hell in our eternal lifetime.”

The regime change has shaken the theological podcasting world, with many top commentators agreeing that although yes, this is disruptive, it also marks an “opportunity.”

“If Satan’s regime couldn’t withstand those kinds of internal pressures then maybe it wasn’t as solid as we thought anyway. The guy had a good run, a legendary run, but time is undefeated and it turns out Kissinger is more evil than anyone realized,” Joe Rogan said in his most recent episode talking with Hell’s demon leader Marchosias. “Like, sure, I’m not rooting for the coup, but, you know, sometimes you gotta shake things up. Kissinger is just pulling from the same playbook he used in Chile in 1973, Satan should have read a history book. And if i’m being totally honest, America could take a cue from this. Plus you’ve got to admit it’s pretty fucking badass. ”

At press time, Kissinger was seen putting on a long overcoat and commenting about how Hell is a bit colder than he expected.