Hard Digest January 10: Early Access Steve Aoki, Jimmy Fallon, BDSM, and More

Local Baker Watches in Horror as Steve Aoki Throws Cake They Worked on For Hours at Influencer

By Evan Vest

LAS VEGAS — Local baker Phillip Throgmorton watched in horror as a beautiful cake he had worked on for hours was carelessly thrown into the face of a popular influencer by renown DJ Steve Aoki, sources close to the incident report.

“I just can’t believe I worked three hours on that masterpiece,” said a devastated Throgmorton, who was standing outside of Omnia Nightclub in Caesars Palace. “When I received the order, I had figured it was the birthday of one of the nightclub employees or something. The manager included a free pass to get in tonight, and I was so excited to see my work lit up with candles and enjoyed by the staff. Instead, I see this doofus on stage pick up the damn thing and throw it like a football into the face of some poor girl who probably had her night ruined. His precision was highly impressive though.”

Social media influencer Savannah Desmond couldn’t be more excited to be covered in sugary ingredients.
“Best night of my life! Vegas, baby!” said Desmond, in between selfies and scooping cake out of her bikini top. “I spent hours making a sign asking Steve to throw a cake my way and I’m so stoked he saw it. The engagement on my post is at an all-time high and this is a huge moment for my personal brand! Steve even put my post in his Instagram story too. The only thing that could’ve made this night better is if this cake was less dry. It’s going to take weeks to get this fully out of my hair.”

Venue security appeared to side with Aoki.

“I’ve worked this show in the past, but tonight was definitely different,” explained Head of Omnia Security Kevin Stolz. “We knew it was about time for him to start throwing the desserts, which is when you really need all hands on deck. Everybody starts swarming to the front to hopefully get a piece of the action, no pun intended. But all of a sudden we saw this man in a baker’s apron hop the security rail, storming the stage and talking about his hard work going down the drain. We decided it was in the best interest if we removed him from the show and roughed him up a bit in the meantime. No one stops Steve from hurling delicious treats at the audience. No one.”

At press time, Throgmorton revealed that he was also a former watermelon farmer, who switched careers after watching a Gallagher special from the ‘80s.

Opinion: The Next Champion of the Working Class Needs To Take Out Whoever or Whatever Is Keeping Jimmy Fallon on My TV

By Chris Bowen 

Working people unite! Now is the time to seize the moment! Now is the time to stand up against the wealthy elites who have dictated our lives, dictated our endless struggles, and worst of all, have been enabling that asshole Jimmy Fallon to continue being on TV after all these years!

Talking over guests, breaking character during skits, that fucking fake laugh, etc. The working people of this country don’t deserve this, and we are fed up. NBC pays him $16 million annually to further tarnish the sanctity of the “Tonight Show” night after night, while a single mother of 3 in Detroit busts her ass on an assembly line just to barely afford a slice of whatever they consider to be “pizza” in Detroit on her lunch break. And that same woman should be able to enjoy the “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” with her children without being subjected to his phony ass lip-synching to Mariah Carey songs. Alas, she among millions of other hard-working Americans fell victim and continues to fall, victim, to his vile charade.

By all accounts, Fallon is a scourge on everyone around him. He’s abusive to his staff, a drunkard. Given the opportunity, I’m willing to wager he’d most certainly rely on child labor to hold his cue cards, and to write jokes just to have him butcher the delivery if he thought it would improve his “I’m just a cutesy giggly sensitive guy” image.

Sure, he “apologized” for creating a toxic work environment for several former staff members, but what he didn’t do was the right thing and step down from “The Tonight Show.” He didn’t because his bottom line is more important than your well-being. You’re just a number to Jimmy, don’t you forget it.

I’m not trying to say the over-saturation of a comedian I don’t like is on par with wage theft or election tampering. I’m saying it’s directly under those things in terms of importance. Besides, unlike those other two problems, all we need to do to fix it is get a TV show canceled, this is one we can win people!

Just imagine a world in which there were no more Sunday afternoon TV broadcasts of “Fever Pitch,” no more furiously bad celebrity impressions, or a world free of any more “oh my god, that’s sooooooo crazy!”s during interviews. Can you picture a world in which a place like, I’ll say, Peoria can be free of the shackles of wage slavery AND having to see that giddy class traitor trying desperately to play to them? This is the future we owe to ourselves, our children, and to Johnny Carson’s legacy. Move on over Jimmy, or we’ll move on over you.

Sadistic Dom Doesn’t Let Sub Finish Season Finale

By Tim Sheard 

EUGENE, Ore. — Local dominant Lucille Bellweather didn’t allow her submissive Craig Walters to finish the season finale of the show he was watching, confirmed sources who were sexually aroused just thinking about that scenario.

“He said he liked things rough,” said Bellweather while stepping as hard as she could with her eight-inch black heels on the Roku remote. “The usual stuff, like whips and everyday bondage, wasn’t getting him horned up, so I had no choice but to step it up a notch. That’s why I forbade him from watching the season finale of his all-time favorite show ‘Ghosts.’ Sure, he was a little behind on the program, but that just made things all the more sexually pleasing for him. It’s like he was edging primetime CBS television, which is how it’s intended to be consumed.”

For what it’s worth, Walters was all about the erotic form of punishment.

“It was borderline inhumane and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I had such a raging boner. In the end, that’s all that matters,” said Walters. “My former dom never got that creative. It was always ‘tie me up this’ and ‘strap me to a pole that.’ It’s like she was just going through the motions of being my sexual master. At some point, you have to bring me carnal pain or at least a little bit of humiliation. That’s why Lucille also forced me to confess to my friends that I regularly watched ‘Young Sheldon’ when it aired on Thursdays. It was embarrassing as hell, albeit hot.”

Experts have noted an increase in extremely particular sexual proclivities.

“Fetishes and kinks are getting rather specific as we evolve beyond the limitations of the missionary position and butt stuff,” said sex counselor Julianne Bowstar. “Some doms are not allowing their subs to watch television shows they love. Others are forcing them to watch TV they hate. For example, one dom recently forced their sub to watch 24 consecutive hours of ‘Ridiculousness.’ That’s why MTV plays it literally all the time. Their only viewership demographic is doms and subs nowadays.”

At press time, Bellweather finally allowed Walters to watch the season finale but only through a streaming app that had a subscription with commercials.

Man’s Personal Finances Really Banking on End of Life Mario Party Bonus

BY Cameron Lehr 

CHICAGO — Thomas Porter, 42, is flat broke. The IRS has confirmed that despite previously having a comfortable amount in savings, a number of bad investments and a few emergency expenses left Porter on his financial last legs. Porter is really hoping that end of life bonus stars come through for him.

“If I’ve learned anything from playing Mario Party, no matter how well you’re doing by the end of the game the bonus stars can make or break you. It’s not like I blew all my coins at the Item shop on Mushrooms and Iced Coffee. It’s just been a rough game for me and unless I get some crazy bonus stars I know Tonya is going to leave me,” Porter was overheard saying to his financial planner.

Reporters asked Porter’s wife Tonya how this situation has affected the dynamic within the family, and she had this to say.

“I keep telling him even if they really did give out bonus stars, there’s no way he’d get one. Clearly we’re not going to be winning Most Coins otherwise I could afford to get the kids new shoes. Plus to win Most Event Spaces I’m pretty sure you have to get off the couch every now and again.”

Financial planner Jake Bucksworth was asked if he had any alternative plans to save Porter’s finances.

“I haven’t fully given up on trying to save Mr. Porter’s finances before the game ends. He’s only 15 Turns in out of 20. Under my guidance Mr. Porter has already gotten quite a few job interviews. Unfortunately each interview has turned out to be a trap set by Bowser. Despite these setbacks it’s only a matter of time before things turn around. After all, there’s only so many coins Bowser can take. Mr. Porter may have lost his fortune but once he gets a lucky minigame win, his investments will soar.”

At press time, Tonya is braving it on the job market while Porter himself is grinding minigames.

Public Opinion of Iron Fist at Lowest Point Since That Shitty Netflix Show

BY Brendan Osorio

NEW YORK — Danny Rand just can’t catch a break! A new report has just come out concluding that the publics’ opinion of the Marvel character Iron fist is at an all time low due to the characters overpowered fuckery in the popular game, Marvel Rivals. Approval ratings for Iron Fist haven’t been this low since that god awful Netflix show back in 2017.

“Yeah it’s really a shame and not what we had hoped for with this character,” said Roy Thomas, one of the creators of the character in a recent Reddit AMA. “When Gil and I created the character we just wanted to make another boring billionaire that fights bad guys or whatever. Not some bitch who gets in your face every 5 seconds until you rage quit and go back to playing Overwatch!”

Many players have complained the character needs a nerf in Rivals but that may be too little too late. It seems unlikely the Immortal Iron Fist will reach cult favorite status like Moon Knight or Psylocke. It would take some truly insane stunt casting in a potential MCU feature film to rocket the character into the spotlight like Robert Downey Jr. did for Iron Man.

“Look, all I know is that I gave it my best shot,” said the guy who played him in the Netflix show. We wrote down his name but somehow still forgot it. “I did everything that was asked of me! I hardly worked out and phoned in a mediocre performance mostly in sweatpants. If that wasn’t enough to do justice to the character then I’m not sure what else fans wanted. I fought a dragon you know? I mean we didn’t really show that part in the show but you get it.”

Marvel fans will just have to put up with the K’un Lun killer until they decide to nerf him or “get good” according to one Iron Fist main we asked. Unfortunately it seems for most players this version of the character may be even more frustrating than the portrayal given to us by Phil Jonas or whatever his name was.

At press time, when asked to comment about possibly bringing back actors from the Netflix show in a new series a la Daredevil Born Again, Kevin Fiege responded “What Netflix Show?”