Hard Digest January 8: Early Access Eminem CDs, Billy Joel, Audiophiles, and More

Aging Millennial Instinctively Still Hides Eminem CDs From Parents

By Tim Sheard

PONCA CITY, Okla. — Local 36-year-old Shane McThomason recently admitted he still instinctively hides his Eminem CDs whenever his parents visit him, confirmed sources who impulsively did the same.

“‘The Marshall Mathers LP’ is the first of many Eminem CDs that I shove in the back of my personal safe whenever mom and dad stop by,” said McThomason while clearing his Spotify search history in case his parents check. “I just can’t risk having them hear Eminem threaten the life of Moby or even casually utter the name Carson Daly via song. They’d have a meltdown and send me to my room in my own house that I paid for. It’s times like these I wish I just bought the censored versions from Walmart. That way, in the event they found my safe, cracked the code, and played my stash of Eminem, they’d at least think my sources of entertainment didn’t include homophobic slurs and a few F-bombs.”

McThomason’s parents were well aware of their son’s proclivity to hide his interests from them.

“We know he’s been concealing those compact discs from us for years,” said Joseph McThomason. “I guess he’s trying to protect us. We don’t have the heart to tell him that his mother and I actually love Eminem. In fact, we don’t think his vulgar lyrics go far enough. We also know that Shane hides his pot use from us. Little does he know that we steal his weed stash all the time. In fact, that’s why we’re here right now. No one ever suspects the Slim Shady-loving parents.”

Experts sensed a pattern among this generation.

“We are seeing more and more Millennials instinctively hide things from their parents in their adulthood as if they were still teenagers,” said pop culture analyst Michelle Greenway. “Drugs, alcohol, saying the word ‘damn,’ Mortal Kombat, 2 Girls 1 Cup, and 2000s hip hop. Millennials are constantly afraid of imaginary repercussions. It’s not their fault though. Like everything, we can blame this on Boomer parenting. They pummeled their children with excess guilt and they kept that going into adulthood. Eminem is only the tip of the Millennial iceberg.”

At press time, McThomason was also seen hiding his Marilyn Manson CDs from his parents.

10 Billy Joel Songs To Request Next Time He Crashes His Car Into Your House

By Steve Packosky 

To this day, you vividly remember that Sunday evening twenty years ago. You were out to dinner when your Motorola RAZR V3 rang. You politely excused yourself and answered, only to be greeted by your neighbor Cheryl breathlessly exclaiming “Somebody crashed his car into your house, and I swear to God it’s Billy Joel!” You dropped the phone and ran out of the restaurant, leaving your friends behind as you sped through the streets back to Bayville. You got there in record time, but sonofabitch! The unofficial God of Boomer Rock had already left the scene, leaving you to deal with countless lawyers over the next several months as you tried to patch up the foundation damage (and subsequent drainage issues) resulting from his reckless little late-April stroll.

And what are you going to do, get mad? Fuck no. You’re going to get prepared. We all know lightning can strike twice, so The Hard Times is going to ensure you’re ready when Mr. Long Island decides to give your domicile another kiss on the cheek with his 1967 Citroen. After all, the dude might be a shitty driver, but goddamn is he a great performer. So shell out the dough to get that old Steinway tuned and park your ass by the window, as we give you a guide with 10 songs spanning Billy’s esteemed career (that for the love of Christ does NOT include “We Didn’t Start the Fire”) you can request he play for you the next time he drives his car into your house.

10. Temptation
Alright, let’s get things started! You want to begin with a song that eases you into the night while also building excitement and matching the energy of a freshly demolished living room, and we can’t think of a better opener than 1986’s “Temptation.” So settle in and enjoy this private show courtesy of a very reluctant, uncomfortable, and visibly drunk performer. Isn’t this great?

9. Summer, Highland Falls
This one might be a toughie for ole Billy. He hasn’t played it in a while and those arpeggios are quick. Not to mention he may still be cold and shaken up from the crash just having occurred outside. These are his problems, though. You’ve earned this concert, and you are fully entitled to this song if it’s what you want to hear. Go ahead and look up the sheet music if he requests it, but don’t go caving in to all of his demands. This is your night, after all.

8. The Downeaster ‘Alexa’
You might not possess all the resources Billy needs to perform his iconic ode to the plight of the Long Island fisherman, but whatever. This ain’t Madison Square Garden, so he can cope with the absence of his accordion for one goddamn set. Fuck it, you don’t even need to know barre chords to play this on guitar, so grab your old acoustic off the wall and join in with him. Artists love when their fans impulsively do stuff like that.

7. Stop in Nevada
This is going great! At this stage in his career, he’s just got to be sick of the idiot fan who constantly shouts “Piano Man” during his shows, so you’re definitely a step ahead of that guy. You had to have impressed him with this request, and there will definitely be an appraising nod thrown in with his constant furtive glances at the door. Looks like someone will become his new number-one fan!

6. Los Angelenos
The initial wave of adrenaline from having Billy Joel in your house will likely start to fade by this point, and you’ll start to realize that he’s actually kind of banged up from that wreck. He’ll have definitely earned himself a glass of water (and any bandages he may need) during this song. Best to err on the side of caution and make sure you’ve locked the door while you’re up, though. We’d hate for the concert to get cut short.

5. Sleeping With the Television On
This song is a personal favorite of ours, and definitely has more of an upbeat tone than the last couple, which is good because he’ll definitely have had enough. It’s impossible to not tap your toe to this one, though, so we’re hoping it’ll be an energy boost for him.

4. Rosalinda’s Eyes
This song is absolutely gorgeous, and frankly, we’ve been surprised that it was never a huge hit ever since we first heard it on an episode of “Freaks and Geeks” 25 years ago. We’d love to hear whatever backstory may have inspired the lyrics, but Billy may be more interested in getting out of the house and having his wounds tended to, which is a fine preoccupation so long as it doesn’t affect his performance.

3. Surprises
We’ll take it easy for these last few songs, because Billy definitely will be ready to rest. Let him slow the pace down a bit and do his best Paul McCartney impersonation with 1982’s “Surprises.” We predict that he’ll be absolutely nailing it despite being out of practice and in a completely new and frightening environment. What a pro!

2. Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)
You can tell him this is the last song, so he’ll really be pouring his heart, soul, and maybe even some actual blood into it (depending on the severity of the accident that brought him here.) The heartfelt lyrics he wrote for his daughter should bring a tear to your eye, which may increase the resentment he’ll have felt for you since you convinced him to play these songs. Oh well, he can tough it out for a few more minutes.

1. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
We know this is an Elton John song, but you really like it, and he crashed his car into your house, for fuck’s sake! If he wanted to avail himself of the privilege of picking and choosing the songs he plays live, he would’ve brushed up on his driving skills before setting out. Remind him that he can for sure leave after this and enjoy the unique rendition. We sincerely doubt he’ll be open to any encore requests, so bravo, Mr. Joel! Bravo!

Audiophile Prefers Crackle, Imperfections of Cigarette to Glossy Frequency of Vape

By Yancy Lee Crawford

SEQUIM, Wash. — Local audiophile and longtime smoker Dale McGovern preferred the crackling sound and imperfections of cigarettes to the glossy frequency of a vape, confirmed sources who immediately tried to get out of a conversation with him.

“Nothing compares to the imaging response tonality and balanced output resolution of a Parliament Light,” said McGovern before asking his friend to turn off the vinyl record they were playing so that he could listen to his lit cigarette. “It just has a much warmer and richer sound than a Juul. Plus, it’s how nicotine was meant to be inhaled. Vapes are just mass-produced bullshit that normies always fall for. They’re too clean, too crisp, and too bright. It’s just like people who stream their music on their iPhones instead of bringing their record player and entire vinyl collection everywhere they go so that they can listen to the best quality music anywhere. Even on the bus.”

Friends of McGovern had just about enough of his elitist disposition.

“This guy actually thinks his lungs can tell the difference between a Marlboro and rosemary banana-flavored smoke. How foolish,” said friend and vape store employee Jace Prodder. “E-cigarettes just allow me to get my nicotine more conveniently. I don’t really care how it sounds or feels. It’s all going to the same place in my body, which is then exhaled out of my lungs and into the faces of everyone around me within an eight-foot radius. And as a bonus, I never smell like I just took a bath in an ashtray in 1974. Clearly a superior carcinogenic product.”

Experts were well aware of these kinds of people’s proclivities.

“Audiophiles are surprisingly all the same,” said pop culture analyst Gracie Braxton. “First, they develop a stubborn preference about how they intake their music. Second, they move onto their nicotine consumption. Next, it’s anyone’s guess how the common audiophile will evolve. They could start preferring horse-drawn carriages to cars. Or they’ll start riding a penny-farthing instead of a bicycle. Some even start to prefer the ‘smooth feel’ of Bing instead of Google. These people are borderline psychopaths.”

At press time, McGovern also revealed that he preferred the warm, crisp taste of chewing tobacco to that of Zyn.

Depressed Man Unable to Afford Therapy Buys 4K Blu-ray Player Instead

BY Matt Fresh 

TORONTO — Despite not being able to afford to go to therapy, local depressed man Patrick Cole’s friends have confirmed he’s been in better spirits lately after he purchased a new 4K Blu-ray player instead of seeking professional help.

“I haven’t seen him crack a smile in weeks but yesterday he was grinning ear to ear after watching The Beekeeper 4K Blu-ray,” Cole’s friend Michael Graves wrote on social media. “Things have been really rough for him lately. He’s just had no passion for life and we’ve been urging him to get help so it’s really great to see he did.”

Cole himself posted about his experience, urging others who suffer from depression to seek out their own 4K Blu-ray player before it’s too late.

“I was in a really dark place and needed help. Luckily I have people who care about me that got me on the right path. Unfortunately therapy is really expensive and I’m living paycheck to paycheck so that just wasn’t an option. But a 4K Blu-ray player was within my means and now I’m a totally different person. I’ve never been happier. Sure all the deep-seated underlying causes of my depression are still present but now I can watch all these 4K movies in Dolby Vision whenever I want without having to worry about whether it’s on a streaming service or if David Zaslav will erase it from history. To all others who suffer from depression, I urge you to forget therapy and get a 4K Blu-ray player as soon as possible.”

In a press statement, Panasonic spokesperson John Copeland shared that the company will begin marketing specifically towards people suffering from depression.

“In the age of digital streaming where people mind numbingly scroll through the void in order to find some semblance of light in their lives, we realize that our DP-UB820 4K Blu-ray player is the only thing that can give people hope. In this day and age, in this economy, it makes no financial sense to pay the exuberant prices for therapy when you can instead buy our premium player and enjoy true happiness the way only a nice collection of movies can. You’ll still hate yourself deep down and you’ll still lack purpose in life but you’ll always know that your movies will be available to watch in the most beautiful crystal clear picture. No algorithm will ever take that away.”

At press time, David Zaslav reportedly held an emergency meeting to see if it was possible to delete people’s Blu-rays.

2025 Welcomes Birth of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Future Girlfriend

BY RJ Dralle 

LOS ANGELES — On January 1, 2025 at 12:02am, the new year welcomed a brand-new baby girl, Jocelyn Marie Caan, who in just a short eighteen years will become Leonardo DiCaprio’s newest lover.

“I can already tell she’s going to be a keeper. Well, at least until she turns twenty-five,” said an ecstatic DiCaprio lounging in the hospital waiting room, smoking a cigar in celebration.

New mother, Marissa Caan, laying in her hospital bed holding the Oscar winner’s future plaything spoke to reporters about the exciting news.

“To hear the doctor tell us that our baby girl is a beautifully healthy baby. That she has all ten fingers and toes, AND that Leonardo DiCaprio thinks she’s going to be smoking hot! We were so relieved,” Caan said as she held a picture of DiCaprio in front of her newborn’s face. “We’re both so thankful she’s going to have a second, wealthier daddy to pay her college tuition. Now I can build a minibar instead,” added Arthur Caan, Jocelyn’s father.

But not every parent at the hospital was as happy about this news as the Caans.

“We were told that there was nothing this hospital could do to make our new baby attractive enough for Leo,” said George Resnik, new father to a baby that won’t get anywhere close to dating a famous person. “All the plastic surgeons are off for the holidays and by the time they get back it will be too late. Instead, we were told that we have to accept the fact that our sweet, baby girl may just have to settle for Jared Leto in the future. It’s just so devastating to hear.”

At press time, Mr. DiCaprio gave one last embrace to his future bae before heading to his current girlfriend’s 26th birthday party to break up with her.