thehardtimes

Hard Digest January 6: Early Access Crust Punks, Midnight Trains, Metal Shirts, and More

Added 2025-01-07 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Residents of Crust Punk House Completely Unaware They’ve Been Transported to the Cenobite Dimension

THE LABYRINTH — Residents of a crust punk house were seemingly unaware that they were inhabiting the Cenobite dimension, terrified sources confirmed.

“I woke up around noon, which is early for me,” resident Jason Thifton said as he absent-mindedly walked down a long, cobweb-laden corridor littered with severed body parts and bloody chains. “I would’ve kept on sleeping, but there was this naked guy on the floor in my bedroom scrawling ‘I AM IN HELL HELP ME’ in blood on my bedroom wall. I didn’t recognize him, but he must be one of my roommate Cole’s friends. I wanted to just sit on my bed and practice my bass a little, but some skinless lady emerged from a blood stain that got on my mattress after my new back tattoo got infected. I don’t know if she’s here because she’s banging Cole, or what.”

Visiting friend Gina Crowley was taken aback by what she saw upon entering the house.

“I swung by to see if Jason and Cole wanted to go to the dive bar down the street, and their house looked completely unrecognizable,” Crowley reported as she disgustedly shook a discarded human ear off her combat boot. “As soon as I stepped into the front door, I was in this maze of hallways filled with people screaming in agony as these horrible beings were torturing them. Luckily I ran into my friends, but they were just smoking cigarettes and listening to Nausea. I don’t even think they noticed that they were surrounded by fresh pools of viscera.”

Lead Cenobite Pinhead was frustrated by the apparent lack of an effect he and his brethren had on the crust punks.

“Here in the Labyrinth, pain and pleasure are one,” Pinhead provided. “While I feel that the tears shed in anticipation of my work are a waste of good suffering, I do secretly love to see them. I was not, however, expecting to be met with complete indifference like I was with these two. Usually, people cower and wail at the mere sight of me, but I don’t even think they noticed me. I shudder to think of whatever hell they inhabited before they made their way here.”

At press time, Thifton had unwittingly escaped the Cenobite dimension and was delighted at getting a free meal after being kidnapped and forced to sit at the dinner table with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family.

Help! I Took the Midnight Train Going Anywhere and Ended Up in Missouri

By Ben Friedman

I’ve made some questionable choices in my life, the biggest one being that I really thought that living and dying in South Detroit was a solid life plan. Why I thought manufacturing jobs would come back to the city is beyond me, but it dawned on me yesterday I had to get out of town immediately or else I’d never leave.

I mean I’ve worked hard to get my fill so I want a thrill dammit. Next thing I know, I’m at Michigan Central Station taking the midnight train going anywhere to start a new life. Unfortunately, that decision landed me smack dab in the middle of the shithole they call Missouri.

Turns out most of the trains leaving shitty places go to other shitty places. Who knew?

I know where I’m from isn’t exactly the gem of the Midwest but I am in awe that people choose to live here. At least in South Detroit there was actual culture. The only place signs of life near my final stop is this depressing dive bar where everyone is smoking like chimneys. I assume they ended up here on a whim too and are trying to kill themselves as quickly as possible. It’s my own damn fault asking for the cheapest train out of the city.

I want to kick myself for not shelling out the extra $7 to go somewhere cool like Chicago. Protomartyr is playing the Empty Bottle tonight and I’m stuck listening to some guy who thinks he was born to sing the blues. God I miss Motown.

The craziest part is I met this girl on the train who did the exact same thing as me! What are the fucking odds? We actually shared a moment until she went on and on and on about the small town she was from, and it sounded a little too “sundowny” for my liking. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to get away or looking to start over in an even more racist town.

Like I get it. When you roll the dice on a mystery train ticket, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I just never thought the losing end would involve food options that look like they’re from an alternate universe. Have you ever seen a St. Louis bagel? I would take another midnight train going anywhere again so long as it takes me to real food.

It’s like a bad movie that never ends. Fuck this place, fuck the Chiefs, and fuck Amtrak’s rail network.

Study Shows 1 Out of Every 5 Local Metal Band T-Shirts Ends Up Inside an Auto Repair Shop’s Oily Rag Bin

By Chris Bowen

ITHACA, N.Y. — A recent study by Cornell University found that a striking one out of five local metal band t-shirts ends up inside an auto body repair shop’s oily rag bin, several greasy-haired sources report.

“We initially conducted this study in order to collect data on the impact of local metal band t-shirts on the environment,” said Dr. Alita Butte, lead scientist behind the study. “The fact that we found just how many of these are used to clean up messes at garages is pretty extraordinary. What’s even more stunning is that a majority of the shirts have the sleeves cut off. It’s as if shirt arms are trivial when changing the oil on a Toyota Corolla. Oddly enough, the other four out of five metal band shirts end up as cum rags. This music genre has a ton of uses for their merch.”

Local metalheads weren’t totally shocked to hear about the results of this study.

“I’m surprised the number isn’t higher, because every time I take my car into the shop there’s a pile of oiled-up death metal band apparel by the spark plugs,” vocalist of local metal band Downward Down Alex Thorne explained. “Come to think of it, I even saw a few No Fear shirts in there as well. It’s hard to tell those from nu-metal band shirts anyways. Oh well, I guess it’s nice to see these local bands’ merchandise being used in a practical manner. Beats being donated to the needy who don’t even appreciate ‘80s thrash.”

Car mechanic Harold Stumanski says the statistic hits closer to home as far as he’s concerned.

“Considering about 90% of my crew are in shitty metal bands, it would come as no surprise to learn that our rag disposal bin is overflowing with their merch,” Stumanski said. “Just about all metal bands print their shirts on Gildans and there’s just something about that brand that can really take oil, gas, battery acid, and whatever other foul liquids you can throw at it. The Jiffy Lube I used to run had indie band shirts that mainly used American Apparel. Those things couldn’t even handle windshield wiper fluid before disintegrating.”

At press time, Cornell University also revealed that five out of every five punk band shirts end up in the trash.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week Instead of Sticking To Our Resolutions

Superhero’s Hilarious Quip Delivered to a Mangled Corpse

BY Garry Kerls

NEW YORK — Spider-Man was overheard delivering a lighthearted wisecrack to a bloody, mangled corpse, after the target of his jest reportedly jumped a subway turnstile, the Daily Bugle has confirmed.

“He was very apologetic, saying he was late for his daughter’s piano recital,” said the NYPD officer who last spoke to the victim, who could only be identified by DNA. “I was fine with giving him a warning, but right as he emerged at 42nd and Bryant Park he was abducted, thrown 20 feet into the air, and slammed down, back first, into a fire hydrant.”

Witnesses claim the red menace also wrapped the victim in a sticky, web-like substance, carried him to the top of the New York Public Library, and dangled him over the edge demanding the $2.90 it would’ve cost for the subway trip.

“Look, I’m all for supporting public transportation,” said Alice Denver, a local student who was studying at the time of the incident. “But Spidey may have gone a little too far this time. As a lifelong New Yorker, I’ve seen my fair share of grotesque scenes on the street, but the audacity to throw a humorless jab at a pile of bones and flesh is deplorable. That guy’s not my friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.”

The border-line public execution, caught on several bystanders’ cell phones, ended with an ill-advised quip from Spider-Man that has since gone viral on social media.

“This guy’s the worst thing to happen to Subway since Jared!” Spider-Man heroically proclaimed to groans from passersby. “Uh, I mean, maybe next time he’ll take the bus. Life isn’t ‘fare’? C’mon, guys, give me something. This crowd is more dead than the guy I just killed.”

At press time, Spider-Man was still workshopping roasts as a crowd gathered to remember the victim at a candlelight vigil.

Halo Infinite Map Converted to Pickleball Court

BY Nick Coffman

REDMOND, Wash. — Halo Studios has announced their plan to convert Halo Infinite multiplayer map ‘Launch Site’ into a pickleball court as part of a new initiative to help with player retention.

“We polled lapsed players on what would get them back into the Halo Infinite ecosystem,” said John Colins, Head of Multiplayer and Pickleball Initiatives at Halo Studios, said in a recent YouTube video. “The second most popular answer was adding in some elements of pickleball to the game. The most popular answer was fixing bugs and balancing the game, so we decided to go with a pickleball court.”

Halo Infinite’s popularity has waned over the years with players opting out of its numerous multiplayer options and instead focusing on pickleball whenever they’re not obsessing and complaining about the game’s dipping Steam Chart number, a trend that Colins said he finds relatable.

“There are many times I find myself on the pickleball court, when I could be fixing a bug or balancing the Gravity Hammer,” Colins admitted in the video, as he tossed a paddle from hand-to-hand. “I get the obsession. That’s why we’re converting Launch Site to a pickleball court. It’s where most players first played Halo Infinite back at launch and it’s where we hope to combine the multiple passions of the player base. There’s also the added benefit of all the noise. Players’ complaints and constant whining will now be drowned out by the hypnotic and comforting tune of paddles passing pickleballs back and forth across the court.”

Outspoken Halo Infinite YouTuber, H4L0GUY343, took to his channel to complain about the planned pickleball courses.

“You can’t just up and change Launch Site. Like yeah, it’s my least favorite map and I don’t play it anymore, but you can’t do that,” H4L0GUY343 said, before the rest of his dumb complaining was drowned out by a nearby game of pickleball.

At press time, Halo Studios confirmed the early success of converting Launch Site to a pickleball court, and committed to converting ten-percent of existing Halo Infinite maps.