Hard Digest January 5: Early Access CIA, Billy Corgan, Hydration, and More

CIA Installs New Frontman When Punk Band Becomes Too Political

By Dan Kozuh

WASHINGTON — Frontman Abha Alvarez of punk band Kissinger’s Prostate disappeared suddenly and was replaced with unknown musician Holden Everett mid-tour after Alvarez performed a new song “Red, White, and Profit” targeting American imperialism, leading some to suspect CIA involvement, fans of the band report.

“Abha did this song about how American democracy is just another form of feudalism. We knew that our music was rubbing some powerful people the wrong way, this may have been the last straw,” said bassist Lynn Sullivan after realizing all of Alvarez’s social media had been wiped. “The next morning we woke up and this blonde guy named Holden was driving the tour van. He said Alvarez quit and he is our new frontman. Now our whole set-list is Toby Keith covers and songs about how punk it is to enlist in the Army.”

When questioned about the sudden shakeup, a CIA spokesperson neither confirmed nor denied involvement but issued a statement:

“The CIA is committed to protecting the best interests of America and the American people, whether that’s abroad or in niche music scenes,” the unnamed spokesperson stated from the shadows of a barely-lit venue bathroom. “We’ll continue to support efforts that promote democracy and the Constitution, even when it comes to bands with only 74 followers on Bandcamp.”

Historians explained this type of intervention isn’t unprecedented or even uncommon.

“Guatemala, Chile, The Congo… the CIA has a long track record of toppling regimes they find inconvenient to American policies,” explained Dr. Morgan Palladino, an expert in U.S. covert operations at Georgetown University. “It’s no surprise they’d apply the same tactics to punk bands that criticize the establishment and fill young peoples’ heads with ideas they find un-American. Many people believe that Dez Cadena was a CIA plant in Black Flag and that his whole career is a government psyop.”

At press time, Everett has taken full control of the group and replaced all members with session musicians loyal to himself, and renamed the band The Free Marketeers.

A Lot of Successful Performers Will Say “I Couldn’t Have Done It Without My Fans,” but Not Me — Guest Post by Billy Corgan

By Dan Rice 

Listen to any random musician giving an award acceptance speech and there’s about a 9/10 chance you will hear that artist thanking their fans, perhaps even saying they couldn’t have “done it” without them. I’ve gotta say, that’s always puzzled me. I’ve never been sure how that ended up in the cookie-cutter award speech template. I would like to go on record as saying that I do not thank my fans for a single thing, I do not need them, and if anything they should be thanking me more.

This is woke, snowflake, everybody-gets-a-trophy culture at its absolute worst. You need me to thank you? For MY music? The music I gave you to enjoy that couldn’t have possibly made yourself in a million years? Oh thank you fans, thank you SO MUCH for ALLOWING ME to give you the GIFT that is my songwriting!

It’s bad enough I have to deal with James Iha getting credit for MY guitar work, or having Darcy spread a bunch of lies about me and then verifying them with screengrabs of texts I sent her, now I’m expected to lie that my fans had any hand in the music I’ve created? Oh, because it’s “polite?” I’m sorry, but everything I’ve created was created by me alone, that’s what makes it special, and if you can’t handle that truth, you’re a fucking snowflake.

As far as I’m concerned, The Smashing Pumpkins could just be me, alone on a stage performing some of the most beautiful music of this century to a completely empty arena. It’s not like anyone else knows how to properly enjoy my music anyway—I wrote it, that makes me the best at listening to it. I suppose I need fans to buy concert tickets and t-shirts, but honestly if there was a way for me to just buy all that stuff and still make money I would, in a heartbeat.

If you’re a Smashing Pumpkins fan, congratulations, you’ve got two ears that work the way God intended them to. It’s not, however, something you deserve thanks or appreciation for. In fact, you know what, you’re fired. You’re a toxic drug addict, and I don’t need you even listening to this band. Have fun crawling back to your safe spaces, I’ll be in the studio creating masterpieces, after hours of course, where no one can complain about me re-recording their parts or make direct eye contact.

Report: 70% of Punk’s Hydration Sourced from Melted Ice In Vodka Soda

By Sarah Cortina

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A new report out of Stanford University reported that 70% of the average punk’s hydration is sourced from the melted ice in their vodka sodas.

“Most of the individuals we studied were receiving daily hydration mainly from drinks that were abandoned for 15 to 30 minutes while they smoked a cigarette and gravely reminisced on a better time before they blacked out, or someone who offered them a cup of water instead of kicking them out of the bar,” said Hugh Dwebe, a researcher from Stanford Medical School, who completed a survey amongst the only 13 punks who would “get that close to an institution.” “Demographics with similar findings included 70 year old male retirees and 19 year old sorority girls. Several of the test subjects reported dizziness and nausea, but we couldn’t determine whether that was from the lack of hydration or the effects of alcohol overconsumption. That’s a study for another time.”

Local punk Jeremy Scotts confirmed the report firsthand.

“It’s like a nice reward at the end of my drink. I chug the double shot vodka soda and then I drink water at the end of it. It cancels out. Like PEMDAS,” said Scotts before he paused to snort a mix of what appeared to be wheatgrass and ketamine. “I’ve actually become really healthy this year. My diet is mostly plant based where I mainly consume edibles and Marlboro Golds. Also, I’ve been on a raw diet, you know, where you don’t use condoms. I didn’t even know I was on it to be honest.”

Scotts’ doctor seemed less than concerned about his habits.

“Hey man, his tests are looking positively fine! I mean, positive. For eye syphilis. And chlamydia. And strep. Dehydration is actually the least of his concerns,” said Dr. Gregory Pembrooke while pointing directly at his medical degree from The University of Phoenix with coffee stains on it. “Sure, he often coughs for two straight minutes, but listen to those lungs! They’re working! We need to be more grateful that we’re alive, and that we’re up and moving. Sure, technically we need water to live, but we also need booze to work in tandem with the H2O. They keep each other in check.”

At press time, Stanford University released a new study revealing that another 20% of all punks get all of their hydration needs met by drinking PBR exclusively.

Soviet Soldier Wondering Why the Fuck He’s Been Ordered to Stand Guard Inside Bathroom Stall

BY Steve Packosky 

ARKHANGELSK, USSR — Soldier Iakov Makarov expressed confusion at his order to stand guard in a men’s room stall on the second floor of Arkhangelsk’s chemical weapons facility, sources report.

“I really don’t understand why I’m stationed here,” Makarov said. “As an incredibly effective soldier who excelled in both basic and special training, I can be of much better use at any other position in this facility. So far as I can tell, there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly special about this bathroom, and even if there was, there are three other soldiers already here. I can’t even see what I’m supposed to be guarding because I was also ordered to keep the stall door shut. I’ve been standing here for the last three hours just staring at it. This just doesn’t make any sense.”

Makarov’s commanding officer Ioakim Nikitin admitted to having erred in issuing the orders to Makarov.

“Yeah, in retrospect, that wasn’t the smartest allocation of my soldiers,” Nikitin conceded. “The chemical weapons we create in this facility are incredibly important to the Motherland, and the gas tanks in the main bottling area are especially integral to production. They definitely could have used a strong defensive presence, so I really should have placed more soldiers there instead of grouping so many of them in the men’s room. I’ll try to do better next time.”

British Secret Service agent James Bond noticed the strange positioning of the soldiers upon breaching the facility.

“I infiltrated the building through the vents, and just happened to drop down in the men’s room,” Bond commented. “There were four soldiers randomly standing guard throughout the room. I followed my assignment and met up with fellow agent Alec Trevelyan in the bottling area, where we detonated the gas tanks. It seems like these soldiers who were in the bathroom for seemingly no reason would have been much more productive near these tanks, but I’m not going to argue with them making my job easier.”

At press time, Nikitin was also second-guessing his strategy of placing so many units of body armor throughout the facility.