Hard Digest January 4: Early Access Dee Snider, Divorce, Drone Metal, and More

Dee Snider Celebrates 40 Years of Inexplicably Being Seen as Some Sort of Metal Icon

By Tim Sheard 

NEW YORK — Metal frontman and former singer of Twisted Sister Dee Snider celebrated four decades of being seen as a metal icon for no discernible reason, sources confirmed.

“Ever since I testified before the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, I’ve taken the metal world completely by storm,” Snider reported. “I love that there’s rarely a documentary or book about metal music that doesn’t have me expressing my opinion in some shape or form. Everybody knows that Twisted Sister is one of the best and most prolific metal bands of all time, not to mention my storied solo career, so it makes total sense. Honestly, all metalheads should consider themselves lucky that I’m constantly on the sidelines providing my opinion on their favorite genre.”

Metalhead Christy Alaiya seemed confused about Snider’s constant presence.

“I never really understood why that guy is featured in fucking everything dealing with metal,” Alaiya complained. “He was in a two-hit wonder glam band in the eighties, so why the hell do I see him in interviews talking about how Cannibal Corpse’s music ‘took it a little too far for him’ and complaining about how he doesn’t like death metal vocals? Who cares? I mean, the cover of Iron Maiden’s ‘Wasted Years’ he was on a while back was alright, but I’d much rather hear the original. I tried to listen to Twisted Sister’s ‘Come Out and Play’ once, and I just couldn’t do it. If we’re going to have boomer metal representation, give me King Diamond or Tom Warrior any day of the week. Hell, I’d take Dave Mustaine’s opinion over Dee Snider’s. At least the music he released in the eighties was good.”

Metal historian Bertrand Tevis provided his expertise on the matter.

“So-called ‘representatives’ of metal music are often seen as such for unclear reasons,” Tevis offered. “In my opinion, VH1 has historically been the largest reason for this. One need only watch their laughable metal documentary series from the mid-2000s, or ‘That Metal Show’ to understand where I’m coming from. Thanks to these, metalheads were subjected to completely extraneous opinions held by people like Chris Jericho and Eddie Trunk, and people with a passing interest in metal now think it died out completely in the nineties.”

At press time, KISS was seen celebrating their career of inexplicably being seen by so many as one of the best metal bands in history.

How I Got My Parents Back Together by Becoming Their Common Enemy

By Sidney Conant

Your parents are kind of like real-life superheroes when you’re growing up, so when they sit you down at the tender age of 26 to inform you of their divorce, it’s like watching Wonder Woman break up the Justice League. “But I don’t want to have two bedrooms!,” you’ll cry, or, “Wonder Woman, is it possible those pictures you found on Batman’s phone of his old coworker, Commissioner Gordon, were meant for somebody else?”

Look, I get it. Imagining your parents finding love again with other people and becoming happier than you’ve ever known them to be is a scary thought, but I’m here to tell you that you can fix this and get them back together. And all you have to do is become their common enemy.

Phase I

As you navigate your way through the world of becoming a functioning nemesis, you’ll find that most guys out there will recommend you execute small acts of vengeance and then gradually move on to larger retributions. Steal the linens, egg the house, kidnap the parrot for a bit and teach it a few curse words in German—I agree that these are all serviceable first steps.

But I know you’re here for the good stuff, and maybe even an autograph later, so listen up: Those tires on Mom and Dad’s ugly-ass Mini Coopers? No match for the Swiss army knife your father gave you for those camping trips that you’re apparently no longer important enough to be invited to. Symbolism!

Then leave notes telling them both to take the trolley and meet you at the restaurant you all used to go to back when there was still meaning in your life.

Phase II

Here’s the deal: you could walk away right now and leave your parents hanging without once escalating your villainy, but then I’d have to call you a pussy. Because here’s what you’d miss: Your parents—alone—on the same trolley. No driver (Oh no.). No brakes (Uh-oh!). A fork in the road—do you see where I’m going with this? On one track: your stepfather, tied-up, unconscious. The other: Commissioner Gordon—he helped ruin your folks’ marriage, so he doesn’t deserve “stepdad” status.

Boom! Your classic philosophical quandary that I’m sure has a name but I haven’t looked it up to be sure. Can’t you just feel the tension in the air? Watch as their hands gingerly brush against the other as they either change tracks or stay the course? Do you think they’ll kiss? Will they run over the lamest guy?

Phase III

Thankfully the tram won’t be diabolical enough to finish the job—but that’s where you come in! Because as your parents find comfort in each other’s company at the hospital with whatever spouse got Sophie’s Choice’d, you’ll reveal the final step of your grand scheme. Surprise! You just so happen to be the CEO of that poor sap’s health insurance provider, and you’ve determined that their life-threatening streetcar lacerations are a pre-existing condition. And by “pre-existing” you mean they’ve existed that way in your mind ever since they decided to tear your world apart.

If you’ve followed this outline correctly, you can expect your parents to join forces once more and beat you within an inch of your life in the hopes of removing you from the bloodline for good. And if they ever find it in their hearts to forgive you, you’ll be a family again in no time—or however long it takes to finish your rounds of physical therapy.

Embarrassing: Drone Metal Fan Comes In 27 Minutes Early With Air Guitar

By Matt McInerney

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley reportedly came in 27 minutes early with his air guitar at a recent show, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what came over me. I’ve seen them before. And I’ve dedicated hundreds of hours listening to that song, so I’ve heard it at least tens of times—I promise I know when the only riff comes in. I think I just zoned out and got a little excited,” said Riley as he hid by the stairs, wishing he’d brought a jacket to hide under. “I just hope no one saw me. Or if they did, maybe I can redeem myself later in the show with some air drums. But I’m a little worried that I can’t hold my arms out still for that long.”

Corbin Mata, Riley’s friend and roommate, attended the show with him.

“We’ve all made mistakes like this. Hell, I’ve made bigger mistakes like this on stage. The thing is, usually no one really notices or dwells on it like you do…usually. But this was a huge gesture in the middle of a completely still room. No one will ever forget,” said Mata, shuffling away slowly. “Anyway, I think I might head to the back and see if the band has any shirts for sale. And maybe pants. And a hat. And glasses. Oh, a bandana would be good! Or maybe they’ll give me a paper bag with it?”

Trent Perkins, the longtime merch guy for the band Quaalude Phase, unfortunately saw it all.

“The live show opener never changes. It’s always a 37-minute hum. On the dot. Sometimes the guys just hang their guitars from the rafters and take a piss while it rings out. We’ve even got it on a timer,” said Perkins. “I get it, though—it puts you in kind of a meditative state. You lose track of time. Understandable, but boy, did that guy look like an idiot. Look, I even got it on video. Is ‘Errant Drone Strike’ too insensitive for my TikTok caption?”

At press time, Riley was struggling to recover after biting into the frozen center of a Hot Pocket.

Paw Patrol Defunded and Euthanized

BY Nick Coffman 

ADVENTURE BAY — Following a decade of crime fighting, the Paw Patrol has been defunded and its members have been put down. Recently elected Mayor Humdinger says it’s all part of an aggressive new vision for Adventure Bay.

“The Paw Patrol has been disbanded and replaced with a more sensible and obedient human police force,” Humdinger said, surrounded on stage by his little kittens. “For too long, Ryder and his pups have run amok in Adventure Bay. You gave them a tower and vehicles, they asked for mobile bases and bigger vehicles. You asked for their protection, they ran off to Barkingburg on an all expenses paid trip, that you paid for. This unchecked spending must come to an end. Adventure Bay will no longer pay. Say it with me everyone: Adventure Bay will no longer pay.”

Humdinger continued a few more times before realizing no one in the crowd was shouting along. Following an awkward silence, the mayor opened up for questions, most of which related to the fate of Ryder and his pups.

“Ryder has been shipped off to a Foggy Bottom orphanage. The pups have been rounded up and are going to be put down,” Humdinger said to a chorus of gasps. “What?! It’s the humane thing to do. Once a pup gets a taste for civil service, it never stops being a civil servant. We’ve already ‘taken care of’ Zuma and Rocky since they were underused and we figured that news would sting you a little less. Skye, Marshall, and Chase, on the other hand, will be publicly executed in the coming days.”

Members of the press displayed anger and outrage at the news as Humdinger smiled down from his podium. Several reports asked about the fate of Rubble, the construction pup on the Paw Patrol’s payroll, who had not been mentioned in the mayor’s plans.

“For those of you wondering about Rubble, yes, he has been spared from my wrath, er, I mean plan,” Humdinger said as he stroked one of his kittens. “Aside from him being an adorable bulldog, I can’t bring myself to order the execution of a contractor who is not only forklift certified, but is timely as well. Do you know how hard it is to find a timely contractor?”

At press time Adventure Bay’s new police force had been gifted a Cybertruck, a Dodge Charger, and a brand new battle tank, all from the office of Mayor Humdinger.