Hard Digest January 3: Early Access Henry Rollins, Hometowns, Vape Mechanics, and More

Bored Henry Rollins Hires Guy Off TaskRabbit to Interview Him for a Few Hours

By James Knapp 

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Continuous go-getter Henry Rollins recently employed the services of a TaskRabbit professional to ask him questions about his varied projects and interests in order to kill a few spare hours on a rainy Thursday, well-spoken sources confirmed.

“I’m always the most comfortable when I’m working — but sometimes if the work isn’t there, you have to create the work for yourself,” began Rollins while researching how to test for a commercial airline pilot’s license. “So while I found myself with a little free time I figured why not knock out some interview questions about my favorite albums and which third-world countries I found most charming. Fortunately, TaskRabbit was able to deliver a real pro to help me make it happen. Plus, while he was here I had him alphabetize my 7” collection.”

Andrew Fitzsimmons, who often uses the app to make a few extra dollars, detailed his experience interviewing Rollins.

“Most of what I do for TaskRabbit is pretty pedestrian, like assembling Ikea furniture or helping old people fix their WiFi. I really don’t have any experience interviewing someone about the pitfalls of touring in the midwest. I asked him if this was for a podcast or a documentary and then he lectured me for two hours about how capitalism and art are diametrically opposed” Fitzsimmons stated. “Still though, it was cool to break up the routine a bit, and Rollins was super nice — though he did tip me with a vinyl copy of one of his spoken-word albums. Do you think I could resell this thing on Facebook Marketplace?”

Penny Doleful, who runs Dungeons & Dragons campaigns in an assisted living facility, gave their perspective on the issue of boredom and aging.

“The elderly aren’t always able to do all of the things they used to love, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply affected by a lack of mental stimulation. So by whatever methods are available, it’s important to have options to keep them occupied,” said Doleful. “That’s why I started DMing DnD campaigns for the old folks who live in this home. It’s a deeply immersive activity that no one will ever truly understand how it all works. That really drives engagement right up until the second when it’s time to finally pull the plug!”

At press time, Rollins was reportedly writing a screenplay about a tough-as-nail detective named “Renry Hollins” who solves crimes by rifling through victims’ record collections to find clues.

Weird! High School Nemesis At Hometown Bar Doesn’t Remember You

By Rachel Hein 

You’re home for the holidays! Though your parents would cut off a limb to spend any amount of quality time with you, the first thing you do with that precious time is head to the local dive bar where your old crew is looking to get wrecked like the old days in much too-snug Christmas sweaters. It’s a real who’s who of the Southeast Indiana class of ‘11. But there’s one person on your mind. One person who still makes your right eye twitch. The thought of their face sends a bubbling rage up from your gut. Lance Nash.

Lance. Your nemesis. Your only worthy adversary. Your true equal. You think of the hours of sleep you lost in high school because of this man. You ran in the same circles, went for the same girls, took all the same honors classes, and competed for principal tubist in the school band. You couldn’t get away from each other! And there he was, after all these years, clinking glasses and laughing with your friends, your buddies, at the bar in his stupid cable-knit sweater.

“Sorry, who are we talking about?” Lance inquired when asked about you.

You decide to help jog his memory and approach him at the bar, making sure he hears you order a scotch on the rocks before delivering a tepid, “Lance Nash. Long time no see.” “Hey, good to see ya,” Lance offers. You look him dead in the eye, seeing he’s coming up blank. “Jethro Brink? I was, like, your rival back in high school band.” Lance looks confused at first. “Oh yeah! My rival! (“angry”) You!” He playfully nudges you.

Aubrey, a former clarinet player, also at the bar shares that Nash was the best tubist she’s ever encountered. “His breathwork, finger dexterity, the firm rhythmic foundation he gave the band – he was a singular talent. No one came close. All the girls were obsessed with him, but he was complicated, you know? There was a mystery about him… a rich inner life.” When asked about Jethro she squinted at him across the room, “Oh yeah, the twitchy guy. Huh.”

The former band director, Mr. Burns, also asked for comment, said he hasn’t seen lungs like that on a kid since Nash. He notes he was at a bad place in his life at that time and Nash breathed new life into him as band teacher, reminding him why he does what he does and what life is all about. On the subject of Jethro he added, “Lotta names over the years, some don’t stick.”

You swirl your drink and try to unclench your jaw. You know Lance is loving this moment. Living for it. Seeing you squirm is what drives him. Stop twitching, stop it!

19-Year-Old Who Can Name and Fix Any Piece of Vape Puts “Mechanic” on Resume

By Livy Berry

TAMPA, Fla. — Local 19-year-old Cody Carson reportedly declared his advanced vape expertise by writing “mechanic” on his otherwise quite short resume, confirmed sources.

“Yeah, I can fix pretty much anything you put in front of me, more often than not it’s an issue with the coil, but you really want a professional like me to take a look, otherwise you risk drawing an unsafe current,” said Carson before also updating his LinkedIn profile. “Last week, I managed to fix my buddy’s broken vape by working the shaft to successfully vaporize his e-liquid. I feel I’ve truly learned everything I need to learn. I wouldn’t have put ‘mechanic’ on my resume if I didn’t think I had earned it, and that’s why I feel so proud to see it at the top of my humble Google Doc. I’m also considering adding culinary chef to my resume because I’ve been successfully reheating takeout leftovers for years now.”

Caron’s best friend Logan Brandins sang his praises between hits of his dab pen.

“Cody is honestly the smartest guy I’ve ever met, he’s like a wizard,” said Brandins through a shockingly wet cough. “This guy could tell you which piece of your vape is broken just by listening to one puff. The vape speaks to him, and it tells him exactly what’s wrong through the crackling sounds in a long drag. It’s like their own special language, man, it’s like magic. But be careful, sometimes I think maybe they’re talking about me, like they’re planning something.”

One potential employer gave her opinion on the whole situation.

“I’m so fucking tired of this shit,” said hiring manager Linda Sterling. “Every goddamn teenager thinks they can get a job anywhere because they read the Wikipedia entry for the atomizer part of a vape or whatever the fuck. Cody applied to be a mechanical engineer, so I asked him what kind of experience he has and he just kept spewing nonsense about glass pods and fill ports. Where do these idiots get all this confidence?”

At press time, Sterling agreed to give Carson a second interview after he fixed her vape pen, so long as he never uses the word “yoink” ever again.

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Classic Game Remaster Stays True to Original By Being Impossible to Complete Without Guide

BY Brett McCabe 

AUSTIN — Since its announcement, fans of Legacy of Shane: Blood Reaper and its deep mythology have been eager to jump back into the remaster of the classic 1999 game. Upon release, not everyone is as thrilled.

“Where in Christ am I supposed to find the fire temple?” asked Sam Bradley, an employee at the mall Wetzel’s Pretzels. “I don’t remember any of this stuff. I worked three dozen jobs, had two kids, and one divorce since this originally came out,” said the braggart.

While longtime fans are thrilled to re-enter the lore-heavy world of their youth, new players are frustrated by the nonsensical map, poorly lit areas, and all the game-breaking bugs that remain from the original release.

“I know everyone thinks my generation just plays Fortnite but this is legit frustrating,” said Thora Birch, an employee of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels further down the mall. “All the winding hallways lead to rooms that look identical to the last. How did anyone finish this game?” asked the idiot who clearly doesn’t understand the revolutionary disc-streaming technology developed before they were born.

Gamefaqs.com celebrated the highest traffic they’d had in years as players try to understand ancient block puzzles and why the fire sword is in the water temple. Hardcore fans praise the third party that developed the remaster since all they did was port the GoG patch to Steam, upscaled the textures, and left the bugs intact.

“This is how you remaster a game!” half a dozen YouTube thumbnails exclaim, the hosts all in front of identical Funko Pop walls. One YouTuber, Jman85, stood out as his review was done at his job working at Philly Pretzel Factory.

At press time, the developers announced plans to modernize the game by introducing a series of game breaking patches all released within the coming months.

Professional Geo Guessers Still Unable To Locate Carmen Sandiego

BY Garry Kerls 

NEW YORK — After 38 years of unsuccessfully pursuing the criminal mastermind, Carmen Sandiego, The Chief of ACME Detective Agency has offered the world’s top GeoGuessers $100,000 if they can locate the villainous crook.

“Greetings Gumshoes! Carmen Sandiego and her gallery of rogues have struck again! This time they have David Copperfeild-ed Lady Liberty herself!” bellowed the chief over a closed circuit broadcast. “It is up to you recruits, I’m told you are the cream of the crop when it comes to sleuthing on the internet, and I need to sleuthiest of sleuths in order to apprehend the wicked thief, Carmen Sandiego. Your mission gumshoes, locate Lady Liberty, return her to New York City, and capture Carmen Sandiego!”

Since the mid 1980s, Carmen Sandiego has had a knack for fleecing foreign dignitaries and usurping the world’s most iconic monuments and wonders. Her deplorable endeavors – all carried out in her iconic red fedora and overcoat – have always been one step ahead of ACME, an agency that, up until now, was employed entirely by children.

“It was cheap labor,” said one producer of the beloved 90s game show, ‘Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.’ “We thought if we made it seem like a game, with simple math and geography questions, we could squeeze all the information we could out of these kids. 115 episodes later we were no closer to catching that devious devil, Carmen Sandiego.”

The three GeoGuessers tasked with this mission have made a career of identifying hard to find places, locating the setting of iconic memes, and making blind geographic assumptions based on minimal vegetation.

“I could show you where your grandparents got married just by seeing a snippet of the marble floor,” said one of the world’s top GeoGuessers, 360GeoScope. “I know every inch of Siberia just based on the shade of gray everything is, but nothing could’ve prepared me for…Her”

The vibrantly colored villain has been a sort of White Whale to the GeoGuessers pursuing her. A frame of red fabric and a chunk of oxidized copper is all they could locate after years on the case. Some have even gone mad in the endless pursuit, hallucinating crude animations of the felonious fugitive walking onto their screen and stealing their cursor.

At presstime, all three professional GeoGuessers have been institutionalized with early onset Rockapella.