Hard Digest January 2: Early Access Opening Bands, BBQ Chex Mix, Sober Influencers, and More

Local Punk Scene Thrown Into Turmoil After Opening Band Leaves Right After Playing Their Set

By Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. – Opening band Abridged Aversion left the local punk scene in a tailspin when they immediately departed following their 15-minute set instead of sticking around to support the other bands on the bill, outraged sources confirmed.

“Look, we put them on the bill because they’ve only played one or two shows ever,” said Gus Halfuller, guitarist for headlining band Daycap. “Because of that, they bring in a decent crowd made up of their friends and family who haven’t yet realized seeing your friend on stage on a Tuesday is actually depressing. It makes for a good audience, but if the band leaves early so does everyone they brought with them—and that’s exactly what happened. I remember asking my bass player, ‘Are these guys for real? Are they really not going to stick around to watch the six other bands on the bill?’”

The controversy quickly reached Abridged Aversion’s lead singer, Riley Marin, who scrambled to explain the band’s actions.

“This wasn’t some power play on our part. The reality is, none of us ever got our driver’s license except for our drummer, so we rode with him,” said Marin. “Right before we are about to go on we find out he had work early the next morning so he couldn’t stick around. None of us were in the mood to try and bum a ride from my ex-boyfriend, who was the only other person I knew there with a car. So we left—it was nothing personal.”

Local punk scene veteran, historian, and rule enforcer Pete Repel said he wasn’t surprised, adding that this was bound to happen sooner or later.

“You have a lot of new blood coming into the scene who haven’t put in the work, haven’t grown up in the scene the way their older counterparts have,” Repel said while sulkily smoking a cigarette. “They don’t know what it feels like to be that headliner, sit through opening band after opening band, and then hop on stage to find everyone is gone. This is why the ‘Gilman St.–CBGB Accords of 1987’ were signed, agreeing that ‘No opening act should leave prior to the headliner.’ I’m concerned about what kind of precedent this sets going forward.”

At press time, the Abridged Aversion drummer reportedly slept through his alarm and was late to work the following day.

If the Catholic Church Is Becoming More Open to New Ideas, Why Won’t My Priest Transubstantiate This Bag of Honey BBQ Chex Mix?

By Steve Packosky 

Pope Francis seems to be in the news fairly regularly as a new face for the often antiquated and unwelcoming Catholic Church. Just last year, he allowed members of the LGBTQ+ community to receive blessings, and also decried laws criminalizing members of that community for merely existing. While this may (rightfully) be seen as paltry and ineffective measures from an organization with so much it needs to atone for, it is a step in the right direction toward being more welcoming. Which leads me to ask, if the Catholic Church is indeed becoming more open to new ideas, why won’t my priest transubstantiate this bag of Honey BBQ Chex Mix?

I don’t get it. I attend Mass every week with the intention of bettering myself as a person. I go to Confession several times a month, and I always put money in the collection plate. If anyone is entitled to providing a little bit of feedback to the institution, it should be me. Yet, when I make one tiny suggestion to my priest regarding the culinary preparation of the Body of Christ, I’m met with a heretofore unseen level of rather rudely expressed resistance. It really doesn’t make sense to me.

Honestly, I don’t see what the issue is. Why should the Host be constrained to wafers that essentially have the flavor and texture of Styrofoam? This way I can achieve Salvation on the go, and I don’t have to choke down something like a stale fortune cookie that’s had all the flavor sucked out of it. Has he even tried these Honey BBQ Chex Mix? They’re pretty fucking good, and they have less saturated fat than potato chips. If I was a god in human form who needed his followers to eat him in order to save their eternal souls, I’d much rather be something they don’t dread eating. After all, doesn’t Jesus love us? The more I rationalize this, the more I think I’m in the right.

Yet here we are, with my priest, who’s a representative of the supposedly evolving Catholic Church, having one of his most dedicated congregants ushered from his Sunday Mass. And honestly, for an establishment that’s supposedly trending in the right direction, they sure removed me from that church pretty forcefully. I didn’t even have the chance to request having this lukewarm 2 liter of Cheerwine turned into the Blood of Christ. I’ll take the more tactful avenue here and wait until next week to bring that up, and anyway, it looks like they locked the door behind me.

Friends Hold Intervention for Woman Who Has Become a Sober Influencer

By Patrick Coyne

FISHERS, Ind. — A small group hosted an intervention recently to help their friend Krista Simmons who has become a sober influencer, distraught and slightly annoyed sources confirmed.

“I’m so incredibly proud of Krista. Since she’s quit drinking her mental health has been better, she’s healthier, and she’s excelling at her job. Now, I just need her to shut the fuck up about it, already,” said friend Diane Ferguson. “This is why we decided that an intervention was necessary. We’re all very supportive of her sobriety, and will continue to do whatever we can to help our friend on this journey. But please, we just want her to stop making sobriety her entire personality. Several of us have already had to block her online.”

Simmons expressed her frustration following the intervention.

“I was going over my friend Diane’s house, excited to tell her about a recipe I found for a turmeric and ginger latte, that is seriously way better after a long day than any cocktail ever could be, when I was completely blindsided. All my friends and loved ones are sitting around, shaming me about how my sobriety is getting out of hand and ruining their lives,” said Simmons. “The worst was when my mom started crying about how I’m trying way too hard to make sobriety look more fun than drinking and she’s not sure how many memes she can take. They’re just lucky this is giving me months of material to work with on social media, otherwise I’d be really pissed off.”

Therapist and former fitness influencer Grayson Fields discussed how he helped host other interventions for influencers.

“In our society it is very difficult for a person to make a major life change and keep it to themselves. Whether it be sobriety, losing weight, or becoming a mustard aficionado, every asshole thinks they need to start a podcast and tell us all about their journey,” said Fields. “At this point it is necessary for a professional to step in, so they don’t destroy all their friendships in the process.”

At press time, Simmons had been arrested after she lit all of her mother’s “Wine O’Clock” throw pillows on fire, accidentally burning down her house.

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Marvel Rivals Healer Doing Insane Numbers to Make Up For Failure to Heal Marriage

BY Matt Fresh 

CHICAGO — Marvel Rivals player Jerry Parker has been putting up insane numbers as a healer in an futile attempt to make up for his failure to heal his marriage, Parker’s friends have confirmed.

“Whenever we play, no one on our team ever dies because he’s just always healing, it’s incredible,” George Kaminsky, one of Parker’s friends and teammates posted to social media. “I’ve never seen anyone doing healing numbers like this in any game ever. It all started the day after his divorce papers were finalized. He did everything he could to stop Kim from leaving but if this is the end result, I’m okay with it. We’re gonna dominate comp this season.”

Frank Harris, another of Parker’s friends, confirmed that he took over Parker’s previous role as a DPS main since Parker switched to healer in the wake of his divorce.

“I used to be healer. I was a Mantis main. Jerry was a Moon Knight main and we did really well. He was really good at DPS because he said it helped him take out his frustration. Kim and him got pretty rocky there by the end and despite his best efforts, she left him for some french guy. We all figured we’d play a bit to cheer him up after he finally signed the papers and he just asked us if he could try healer. It was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen. First game as Cloak & Dagger and he was putting up insane healing. I wish he’d have gotten divorced sooner.”

Marvel Rivals Community Manager James Ng has revealed that Parker has put up the highest healing numbers of any player in the world.

“We’ve gone over the data and it appears that Mr. Parker is indeed the top healer in the world. His healing numbers are actually higher than all the other top 5 healers combined. We didn’t even think it was possible to heal this well but it seems that his mind, spirit and heart are so broken over the dissolution of his marriage that he has nothing left except to heal other players just to feel something. It’s kind of beautiful in a way.”

At press time, Parker’s friends have revealed that he intends to see a therapist and try to restart his love life but they plan on preventing him until they reach One Above All rank.

Sneak Peek at Kingdom Hearts 4 Reveals Photorealistic Sora Travelling Through Dozens of Remakes

BY Don Nelson 

SHINJUKU, Japan — SquareEnix has released an exclusive sneak peek at the pre-announcement concept artwork and gameplay for the highly anticipated fourth entry in the action RPG Kingdom Hearts franchise made in partnership with media giant Disney.

Along with the reveal, Director Tetsuya Nomura shared his thoughts and insights on the direction this new game will take.

“Recently Disney films have adopted a more realistic visual style,” Nomura said “and we really want to capture that aesthetic. It’s very important to us that our Final Fantasy and original characters look like they are a part of the Disney worlds they travel to in the game. So we’ve removed any semblance of interesting design and just made them photorealistic lifeless creatures.”

The conceptual artwork for the redesigns of Sora, Donald and Goofy were shown featuring a combination of photographs of real-life actors and animals, meticulously recreated in breathtaking accuracy in 3D.

“As you may know, using real actors as models for our games is not new. In Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core, we introduced a new character named Genesis who was based on the real life J-Pop singer Gackt. The only difference this time is that all of our characters will have to be made in a similar way. We ran into some real problems with the anthropomorphic characters like Donald and Goofy, but ultimately we chose to match Disney’s approach and adapt them to be talking animals with empty expressions like in The Lion King remake.”

When asked about which movies and worlds Kingdom Hearts 4 would be taking players to, and how revisiting them would affect the story, Nomura was a bit tight-lipped.

“I can’t spoil too much, but I have been given permission to reveal that we will indeed be returning to at least three worlds we have visited previously, this time in their Disney remake forms. As to the implications of that, and the how and why of these massive changes to the worlds well … you’ll just have to wait until obscure spin-offs explain everything!”

At press time, SquareEnix could not give a solid release date for the game but Nomura confirmed that he intends to get at least 6 years deep and spend a minimum of $200 million before the project is ultimately reassigned to Naoki Yoshida.