Hard Digest January 1: Early Access Black Metal, Dark Side of the Moon, AC/DC, and More

Black Metal Band Therapist Suggests Series of Team-Building Church Burning Activities

By Steve Packosky 

OSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.

“This will play an integral role in getting the band back to the cohesive, effective unit that they used to be,” therapist Sonya Jensen provided. “They had come to me complaining about their recent inability to reach common ground with their songwriting, so I suggested incorporating activities with shared objectives into their regular church burnings that will bring them into a more aligned style of thinking that will undoubtedly pay dividends in the studio. They’re really having a blast, pun intended.”

Frontman Anders Lund eagerly followed Jensen’s instructions.

“We’ve really lost the true essence of evil that inspired the filth and repulsion of our earlier works, and I’m hoping this will help regain it,” Lund offered while geocaching for the lighter and gasoline needed for their latest venture. “The purpose of our music is to drain the faith of every Christian infecting this cursed planet, and we can’t do that until we’re able to come together as a team. I never would have thought using a GPS app to locate the tools we need to destroy this grotesque house of the Crucified One would be what we needed, but I’m already feeling closer to my bandmates. I can’t wait to hear the newest collection of hellfire-forged hatred we will create after this.”

Fan Marissa Lowell was optimistic about the band’s efforts.

“Their last few albums were definitely lackluster, so if it takes the band conducting a scavenger hunt in the ruins of a church they’ve just razed to the ground, I’m all for it,” Lowell said. “I never would’ve thought that’s what they needed to return to the genius of their debut EP ’Cult of Unholy Perversions,’ but then again, I’m not a therapist. I’m really looking forward to hearing how this affects their next album. Hopefully it’s not a repeat occurrence of the therapist session in Metallica’s ‘Some Kind of Monster’ documentary, because we all know how that turned out.”

At press time, Jensen suggested a band outing to happy hour at TGI Fridays to talk through the drummer’s feelings of wanting to murder the guitarist and make a necklace out of fragments of his skull.

Opinion: Any Movie Syncs up With “Dark Side of the Moon” if You Don’t Give a Shit

By Ben Friedman

If you’re between the ages of 30 and 45, chances are you’ve heard a high school friend’s older brother explain one of the greatest pop culture coincidences of all time: that if you play Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” and watch “The Wizard of Oz” simultaneously at the same time, the music matches up perfectly with what’s going on in the film. Spoiler alert: it sort of works and it’s just okay.

Honestly, I’m sick of hearing about it. Sure it was cool when the connection was made in 1995, when physical media was mostly CD and VHS tapes. But in the age of too much content coupled with our collective disassociation from society, it’s time to admit literally any movie syncs up with “Dark Side of the Moon” if you don’t give a shit.

I tried the whole “Dark Side of the Rainbow” one night and I felt like an idiot when I realized the album is an entire hour shorter than the movie, so it’s basically only in lockstep until Dorothy meets the Tin Man! What’s the point then? It wasn’t until the next night when I knocked back six Budweisers and put on “BASEketball” when it dawned on me that 70’s psych rock pairs with anything you want the moment you stop caring about life.

Try it yourself and you’ll see once you no longer care about the outcome of anything how easily the album and any movie are in lockstep. Air Bud? Sure! Robocop? Why the hell not! The state of Minnesota’s anti-sexual harassment training video I was court ordered to watch? Almost too eerily lined up if you ask me.

Today’s straight-to-streaming movies are so goddamn boilerplate anyway, you could blindly use any Netflix romcom and get the same results. If the entertainment industry is going to feed us this slop amidst a dying empire, you might as well spice it up with some decent dad rock.

Go nuts because who even cares at this point! We’re on a floating rock in space hurtling towards mutual self-destruction, so if you want to say “Brain Damage” lines up with the puppet show scene from The Sounds of Music then go ahead, go ahead and live your truth!

I’m done caring. Life is long and there is time to kill today, so let’s try pairing “Wish You Were Here” with “The Room” next.

Upcoming AC/DC North American Tour Mostly Excuse for Band to Visit “Yellowstone” Filming Locations

By Tim Graham

SYDNEY — Rock legends AC/DC are gearing up for another tour of the US so they can see where their favorite television program was shot, according to sources close to the band.

“The boys and I love ‘Yellowstone’ and have wanted to visit some of the beautiful landscapes where the show takes place,” said guitarist Angus Young. “Me mates back home are going to be so jealous when they see pics of me standing right where Rip killed the guy with a rattlesnake. Of course, we could’ve just gone on holiday to America, but our accountant told us if we combined it with a tour it would be a tax write-off. Poor Brian was hoping he’d get to meet some of the Dutton clan but I had to break it to him that it’s just a show and that John, Jamie, and Beth won’t be there.”

AC/DC megafan Clyde Stewart is excited to get another chance to see the band live.

“I really didn’t think they’d tour again. Brian is 77, and Angus is getting up there as well,” said Stewart while squeezing into a Highway to Hell tour tee shirt. “I do find it odd that so much of the tour is centered around Montana and Utah, though. It would’ve been nice if they scheduled at least one New York show. They must have some logical reason for doing it. Maybe they need all that clean country air for their health or something. Doesn’t matter, I’ve already bought tickets for their Bozeman, Missoula, and Provo dates.”

Mick Farthing, longtime tour manager for some of rock’s biggest acts, says bands often have ulterior motives when planning a tour.

“Not many people know this, but the bulk of a tour manager’s job is coordinating the shows with areas of interest particular to the band,” said Farthing. “The latest Guns N’ Roses tour made a few stops in Southeast Asia specifically so Axl could get cheap dental work and for Slash to get his hair plugs touched up. And U2’s Vertigo tour had some dates in Greenland simply because the Edge wanted to prove to Bono that narwhals are real.”

At press time, AC/DC had announced additional dates so the band could sit in on a taping of CBS’ “Matlock” reboot.

Godzilla Breaks Silence Over Collab With Diddy in ‘98

BY Peter Collier 

NEW YORK — Another huge celebrity has come forward to address their involvement with disgraced rapper, producer, and record executive Sean “Diddy” Combs, sources confirm.

“I figured since everyone keeps asking why he had a Kaiju-sized amount of lube in his home, it was time to come forward and tell my story,” the Oscar-winning monster said as he wiped sweat off his brow with one of his five foot talons. “I didn’t even want to do another film, honestly, but my agent was insistent. He convinced me to go international, even though American cinema has a terrible history of butchering foreign classics. I should’ve taken the title of the song ‘Come With Me’ as my first hint to put my tail between my legs and head back into the ocean, but Matthew Broderick is one of my favorite actors, so I couldn’t say no.”

With 120 new allegations reported in the last week, many musicians and other celebrities have scrambled to distance themselves from Diddy and the giant lizard.

“Kong no work with Zilla if Kong knew Zilla’s involvement with Diddy. Kong no like Diddy’s music anyway, Kong prefer Ma$e,” said Godzilla’s longtime onscreen foe, King Kong. “Zilla come back to set greased up like village hog, even during New Empire. This no end in 1998.”

Fans were confused and upset by the kaiju’s confession.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s literally a monster,” said Chad Craddock, a lifelong tokusatsu enthusiast. “I thought he had left that side of him behind him when he defended the earth against Ghidorah, but it turns out that the movies had their roles totally backwards. Godzilla was aiding a predator while King Ghidorah was chilling with MF DOOM. I know which daikaiju I’d be rooting for in that matchup.”

Diddy was not the only problematic musician on the hit track from the 1998 movie’s soundtrack, which was built over a sample of Jimmy Page’s iconic guitar riff from Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.” At press time, Jimmy Page refused to comment when asked if he had ever brought his teenage girlfriend Lori Mattix to any of Combs’ “freak-offs.”

Recovering Diablo Addict Falls Off the Wagon

BY Matt Fresh 

CHICAGO — Recovering Diablo addict Samuel Ross, who just recently completed his 12 Step program, has reportedly fallen off the wagon according to sources close to him.

“He’s back to his old ways. All he does is talk about min/maxing and he clearly hasn’t slept in days,” wrote Ross’ friend Jason on social media. “His eyes are bloodshot and he keeps muttering ‘uncut gems’ over and over again under his breath. He’s been doing so well, sober for a year. I don’t know what happened. I check his system and Diablo isn’t even installed so I thought it was delayed withdrawal at first but it turns out he got hooked on Path of Exile 2”

Gaming psychologist Gerald Willbourghy weighed in on the situation, saying this isn’t an isolated incident.

“I’ve seen this happen to many of my patients and I expect in the coming months it will happen to many more. Much of the last year of my career has been dedicated to helping Diablo addicts recover and it comes in waves. A Diablo game comes out, they get addicted for a while, then they overcome it until a new Diablo game comes out. Unfortunately I fear that Path of Exile 2 may have an even greater hold on Diablo addicts who snapped out of the hypnotic hold the series held pretty quickly after 4 was released.”

Blizzard spokesperson Nathan Helmsley has hit back at claims Path of Exile 2 offers a stronger gamer high than Diablo 4.

“Our product has been on the streets for decades. We’ve been the game of choice for addicts since 1997. Many competitors have tried muscling in on our turf and they’ve all been snuffed out eventually and the addicts crawl back to us and beg at our feet for another hit of dopamine that only we can provide. You may say now that Path of Exile 2 is better, tighter and with a more engaging endgame despite only being early access but trust us, you will return like you always do. We’ll make sure of it.”

At press time, Blizzard has announced that in an attempt to get addicts back on their product they will be updating Diablo 4 in a way no one likes.