Hard Digest December 29: Early Access Red Hot Chili Peppers, Disarming With A Smile, and Tony Hawk

Elderly Man Falls for Old “Red Hot Chili Peppers CD Stuffed into a Flaming Bag at Front Door” Gag

By Chris Bowen 

ALBION, N.Y. — Local curmudgeon Hadwin McKlusky fell victim to a vicious prank played by neighborhood kids in which they placed a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD into a bag and set it ablaze on his front porch, annoyed sources report.

“I was trying to have a nice relaxing night commenting ‘Trump for Emperor’ on Facebook posts when I heard my doorbell. I was already pissed I had to put pants on to answer the door, then the ball of fire on my porch really set me off,” McKlusky explained. “I couldn’t let my house burn down, cuz’ I know my lousy kids would put me in a home if it did. So I had no choice but to stomp it out, and what I found was disgusting. Red Hot Chili Peppers? Really? It ruined my slippers and I nearly puked all over my wife’s prized roses from the stench of the burning liner notes. I’d much rather it have been a steaming bean log than that funk-rock horse shit. This generation is fucked.”

Prankster Zach Cardin claims his cantankerous neighbor had it coming.

“Old man McKlusky apparently has an issue with hearing my grindcore band practice at 11:30 p.m. every night, so he really had it coming,” Cardin said. “We knew my buddy Terry’s dad has incredibly shitty taste in music, so we raided his dusty old CD cabinet and found the creme-de-la-crap: ‘Stadium Arcadium.’ Ugh, I get nauseous thinking about the sound that Peppers CD plopping into that bag made, but it was totally worth it. The look of sheer repulsion on his face was priceless.”

Local police chief Officer Ralph Daughtry warns that while humorous, these types of pranks can be very dangerous.

“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and when it comes to pranks involving awful bands, people get seriously injured,” Officer Daughtry said. “One guy thought it would be funny if he snuck an Aerosmith CD into his friend’s car. He became so irate, he beat his own friend to death with a tire iron to the sounds of ‘Love in an Elevator.’ Another man once signed his buddy up for the Trapt mailing list and barely lived to tell the tale.”

At press time, Cardin taped a piece of paper to McKlusky’s back when he wasn’t looking that simply read “Kick me because I love Dave Matthews Band.”

Help! I Tried To Disarm Someone With a Smile and Ended Up Getting Stabbed 12 Times

By Zack Zagranis

Today was definitely not the greatest day I’ve ever known. It started like any other day: the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and all seemed right with the world. The trouble started when I decided to stop at the record store after work to finally replace the beat-up copy of Siamese Dream I’d had since 1993. Little did I know that my routine visit to Bull Moose would turn into a bloodbath.

No sooner had I walked out of the store, brand new record in hand, when a man in a ski mask stopped me and demanded I give him everything I had…or else. At first, I thought it was some TikToker making a prank video, but then he pulled out a switchblade.

The moment I saw that knife, my mind started to race. In 43 years, I had failed to acquire any useful self-defense tips. I looked down at the Smashing Pumpkins album in my hand, and suddenly the answer hit me. Of course, it was so simple! I could disarm my assailant with a smile!

If you told me in the seventh grade that the words of Billy Corgan would someday save my life, I wouldn’t have believed you. Thirty-one years later, as I lay bleeding from 12 stab wounds in a strip mall parking lot, I can confirm they do not.

I don’t know what it was about my smile that the mugger found so offensive, but as soon as I flashed my pearly whites, he began thrusting his blade into my stomach over and over again with savage abandon. All in all, it took him only 20 seconds to turn my abdomen into Swiss cheese and make off with my phone and wallet. He left the record, though, so that’s something, at least.

Thankfully, an old lady coming out of Market Basket saw me lying in a pool of blood and called 911. Now, as I wait for the EMTs to come, I can’t help but wonder how many other grunge legends lied to me. Was Alice in Chains wrong? Did they come to snuff the Rooster? What if Kurt Cobain was fibbing, and it’s actually more dangerous with the lights out? Hell, I bet that Jeremy kid didn’t say shit before he shot himself.

One thing I do know is that when I’m well enough, I plan on suing Billy Corgan. Nothing excessive, just enough cash to cover my medical bills. After all, it was his irresponsible lyrics that got me stabbed 12 times. It’s the least he could do!

Bombshell Report Claims Tony Hawk Did Not Actually Write the Song “Superman by Goldfinger”

By Patrick Coyne 

LOS ANGELES — A shocking new report by citizen journalist/unemployed man Gary Russo claims that skateboarder Tony Hawk did not actually write “Superman by Goldfinger,” shocked and confused sources confirmed.

“As everyone is well aware, famed skateboarder and Bagel Bites spokesperson Tony Hawk invented both the 900 and wrote the ska-punk classic ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ on the same day, but according to some earth-shattering information, I believe this may all be a lie,” said Russo. “I was able to access the dark web by entering ‘Incognito Mode’ in my browser, then navigating to this underground website, Wikipedia. According to them, ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ was actually written by an obscure ska band called Goldfinger. Tony just stole the song for his video games. Just know, if I’m found dead in the coming months, it was not a suicide.”

When reached for comment, Hawk was flabbergasted by the situation.

“I don’t really get the confusion, honestly. Neversoft came to me with a big list of songs and I just started approving the ones I liked. But somehow that song and I have become so intertwined. It’s not like anyone ever accuses me of writing ‘Jerry was a Race Car Driver,’” said Hawk. “Granted, I have sung the song on stage with the band a bunch of times, and I don’t really go out of my way to correct people when they tell me how much they love it, but I’ve never flat-out said I wrote it.”

Pop culture expert Marna Skeech added that this confusion is not unique to ska and skateboarding video games.

“This sort of thing happens all the time. A song becomes synonymous with a video game or movie or show that most people can no longer separate the two, leading to confusion,” said Skeech. “Consider how when the lead singer of Smash Mouth died, the hashtag #ripshrek was trending, with millions eulogizing the fictional green ogre. It also happens in reverse with a particular sound associated with a particular artist. The way that hearing diarrhea violently spraying against porcelain makes everyone think of Imagine Dragons.”

At press time, John Feldmann of Goldfinger has fired back at Hawk by claiming he invented both the frontside 540-Rodeo Flip, and the Saran Wrap.