Hard Digest December 28: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Gender Equity, Body Wash, and More

Dave Mustaine Starts Second, Rival Retirement Organization After Being Kicked Out of AARP

By Steve Packosky 

LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), sources report.

“I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it’s definitely not over,” Mustaine said. “If the suits over at AARP think they’ve seen the last of me, they are sorely mistaken. Everybody knows Megadeth is the biggest and most well-known thrash metal band, and I’m going to do the same thing with this new retirement organization. It’s going to offer better and more accomplished healthcare advocacy, consumer fraud education, and discounts than they do. I’m not sure what exactly their problem is, but we’ll see who’s an ‘insufferable asshole’ when my organization usurps theirs as the premier interest group for seniors.”

AARP rep Latricia Montgomery offered her side of the story.

“Traditionally, the AARP hasn’t had to expel members,” Montgomery explained. “However, we had no choice but to make an exception with Mr. Mustaine. Never in the organization’s 6 decades have we dealt with someone so disagreeable and cantankerous. His constant emails and intrusions at chapter meetings were such disruptions to our operations that we had to ask him to leave. He’s certainly welcome to come back on a trial basis if he can temper his demeanor, but I really don’t see that happening. If you had been present in our exchanges with him, you’d understand my lack of optimism that he’ll change his ways and become more pleasant to interact with. I wish him well with this new organization of his, but I fear he’s going to continue to have issues like this when he works with other people.”

Sociologist Linda French offered her expertise on the matter.

“Actions of famous geriatric musicians can often reflect what we see in their professional lives,” French offered. “I recently did a case study of Sammy Hagar making a mall-walking club decidedly worse after joining, and King Diamond once converted an entire congregation to Satanism after joining his church’s hymnal group. Unfortunately, this also holds true with individuals who are known to be objectionable by other members of their bands. Frankly, given what we all know about Mr. Mustaine, I’m surprised he lasted so long in AARP before getting kicked out.”

At press time, every other member of Mustaine’s new retirement organization had left, and he was searching for new people to replace them.

We Sat Down With the Dick Who Shoves Women Into Mosh Pits to Ask About His Other Efforts to Promote Gender Equity

By Mac McCarthy 

The punk scene loudly promotes inclusivity. All are welcome, regardless of your age, race, religion, gender identity, or socioeconomic status, as long as you hate Donald Trump. But there is still a small cross-section of punk shows that can occasionally be openly hostile to female participants: the mosh pit. One man, Logan Hughes, seeks to single-handedly close the moshing gender gap with his actions. We insisted he speak with us after we saw him push several unsuspecting young women into the pit during a show.

The Hard Times: What the fuck was that about, man? Why would you do that?

Logan: I’m trying to encourage these women to participate in male-dominated punk spaces. That circle pit was an unwelcoming boys’ club until I stepped in to help.

HT: Is this a male-feminist thing you’re doing here?

Logan: Nobody ever changed the world by watching from the sidelines.

HT: But the woman you shoved was already moshing the entire night. She had stopped for 5 seconds to pick up someone who fell, but you shoved her away and that guy ended up getting trampled instead. He’s bleeding! How was this helpful to either of them?

Logan: Listen, it’s my duty as an ally to do whatever it takes to make sure women at punk shows have access to the same moshing opportunities as you or me. I don’t see you out here doing anything to help.

HT: Isn’t there some other way to accomplish that?

Logan: Of course. Being an ally can be as basic as supporting and encouraging the women in your life. Give them that small push, sometimes literally, to join a group they might not perceive as welcoming. But other times, it takes more effort to get to those marginalized women on the edge of the pit and show your support.

HT: And what might that involve?

Logan: Just getting in there and doing the work at every show to promote inclusivity. I slam into them with my best spin kicks and windmill my fists around to show that I think they’re just as worthy as a man to receive a crowdkilling. I don’t discriminate in the pit. If anything, I award preferential crowdkilling opportunities to the women I encounter on the edge of the pit

HT: Yeah, you’ve made that clear tonight. But there’s some risk involved in moshing, shouldn’t it be a personal choice to participate? Some people want to observe for a bit to gauge the energy before jumping in.

Logan: If I waited for them to willingly…excuse me, who are you?

At this point, we were approached by venue security to discuss another concertgoer’s accusation that Logan had groped her while she was crowd surfing. In light of this news, and in the interest of professionalism, we decided to wrap up our interview early and punch Logan hard in the stomach on our way out. We were unable to determine what else Logan does to help ensure women have equal access to punk spaces.

Man in Body Wash Aisle Debating Whether He Wants to Smell Like Wood or Stone

By Matt McInerney 

BOULDER, Colo. — Local man Turner Eaton was seen standing in the soap aisle of CVS, debating whether to purchase body wash that would make him smell like stone or cedarwood, concerned sources confirmed.

“I didn’t even know that stone emits an aroma. I guess I can kind of picture a cedar fragrance. Actually, I think I’m just imagining drinking an old fashioned in the woods. These bottles are like 64 ounces, I just don’t want to make a three-month mistake,” said Eaton. “Why don’t they just make the body wash in green apple like my three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and after shave? I know what an apple smells like! Oh god, this is going to end up smelling like AXE body spray, isn’t it?”

Florence Clay, Eaton’s long-time girlfriend, was worried he might spiral over this.

“This is my fault. A few months ago, I bought him a body wash that just said it smelled like ‘sport,’ whatever that means. Later I admitted I didn’t like the aroma. I just wanted to be nice since he’s always out of soap and usually stuck using his shampoo for his armpits. When I finally told him it reeked, he said he felt like he’d been living a lie,” said Clay. “I don’t know why he acts like I’m the de facto judge of this stuff. A year ago, I bought him a shirt that finally fits for the first time in his life, and now he treats me like the definitive source of all things that make him presentable to the world.”

Alonzo Waller, a creative director for the soap company Northbound, came up with the concept for these scents.

“Ah, yes, my finest work: the gravel and lumber scents. For years, men were worried about smelling like some wimpy flower or a fruit a toddler might eat. That was my inspiration. A man should smell strong… like a rock and timber!” said Waller, clenching his fist and shaking it in the air. “Before that, I’d never even worked with scents before! I used to be in apparel just a few years ago. I’m sure you know my work—I was the guy who invented the only four colors in the men’s section: navy, olive, maroon, and gray. That gem got me poached from Target.”

At press time, Eaton was seen distracted by a “tactical” flashlight display, painstakingly comparing the $38 bulb to the slightly brighter glow of his phone.

Local Dog Playfully Kills Fourth Mailman This Week

BY Nick Coffman

SMALLVILLE, Kan. — Smallville Animal Control reported that a dog of unidentified breed attacked and killed Derby Walter, 56, the latest of four mailmen who have been mauled, after what witnesses referred to as a game of fetch gone wrong.

“Please, if you see a scruffy little white dog, do not approach him, do not give him pets, and for the love of God, do not engage in a game of fetch with him,” said Skeeter Boyd, Head of Communications for SAC during a press conference. “If you see Krypto you need to lock your doors and call animal control immediately. We cannot have dogs thinking they can attack the USPS and get away with it. We’re taking a stand and we’re going to bring Krypto to justice.”

Autopsy reports of Walter and the other postal workers reveal each body was covered in bite marks, third degree burns, and copious amounts of dog snot. Krypto was reportedly in the area of all four attacks.

“The USPS is under attack and its greatest threat are dogs like Krypto,” Boyd said, waving a leash pole in the air. “We’ve already brought other dogs in for questioning. We will find Krypto. Anyone harboring this outlaw mutt will have the calloused hands of the law come down on them swiftly.”

Local farm woman and adoptive dog mom to Krypto, Martha Kent, thinks SAC has the wrong critter.

“Animal Control is just looking for someone to blame,” Kent said to reporters from her porch. “It’s easier to point a finger at an innocent dog than it is to actually go out and find the bad guy. This could have been any dog. Krypto’s by no means perfect. He may eat out of the trash and poop in the house, but he’s no murderer. And if he did murder those nice postmen, he was probably just playing with them and got a little too rough.”

At press time, Smallville Animal Control had received a tip from a parrot that Krypto had been spotted in a local Petco Store.