Hard Digest December 27: Early Access Ian MacKaye, Pamela and Tommy Lee, Radio Stations, and More

Panicked Ian MacKaye Frantically Calling Documentarians After Remembering Anecdote About ‘80s Hardcore He Hasn’t Told Anyone Yet

By James Knapp

WASHINGTON — Ian MacKaye was recently spotted scrambling down a block, knocking over multiple children and old people who were in his path, in a harried effort to report to any documentarian available that he just remembered something else from the ‘80s, the source himself confirmed, repeatedly.

“I had just dropped into the old ice cream shop where I used to work to grab a scoop when all of a sudden I remembered this amazing anecdote that I hadn’t already told, like, six different well-known documentaries,” gasped MacKaye, still out of breath and spattered with old man blood. “Get this: I once shared a tuna melt with Joey Splatter of The Splatter Bunch — and the bread was a little dry! That’s something people will definitely want to hear about. I mean, we weren’t trying to start a movement with this bread. Now which camera am I supposed to be looking into?”

Sixty-seven-year-old ‘80s hardcore fan Russell “Really Really Rusty” Rusendorf was ecstatic about the recent revelation from MacKaye.

“Oh my golly, a new tale! Why this could change the way we view the entire DC hardcore scene!” wheezed Rusendorf into his oxygen canister while still smoking a Parliament Light. “I thought I’d heard it all, probably five or nine times already. But to think that there’s something that Mr. MacKaye hasn’t said into a microphone yet — if I don’t hear that before I die, then I’ll just die. So be quick about the editing on that new documentary.”

Documentarian Lindsey Groves appeared less optimistic that this new anecdote would “change the perception of ‘80s hardcore from this day for all days to come.”

“Look, I hate to be the one to have to bring this up, but, has anyone considered that [MacKaye] may need to be entered into assisted living? Like, does he have grandchildren or any nieces or nephews under 50 that I should call?” remarked Groves. “I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t think this guy has anything insightful left in the tank. After he told me about the sandwich we hung on the phone in silence for a minute before he just started listing off the various new Lego kits he wished he had when he was growing up. Yes, I know they used to just be blocks! What does that have to do with hardcore?”

At press time, MacKaye was seen rushing back to the treat shop where employees reported he had forgotten to actually take his ice cream.

5 Flagrant Violations of Arizona Boating Law We Found in the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee Sex Tape

By Steve Packosky 

If you’re a millennial or older, you probably remember “Stolen Honeymoon,” the leaked, mid-nineties sex footage of then-newlyweds Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee filmed largely on a houseboat on the waters of Lake Mead, Arizona. You might even have managed to procure a copy for yourself, or at least were able to sneak a viewing of it from a friend’s father’s collection. However, we at the Hard Times never got that chance, and only recently thought to access it on the Internet.

While we pride ourselves in reporting punk news, we want to make one thing absolutely clear: there is absolutely nothing “punk” about refusing to adhere to boating laws written to ensure the safety of all participating in maritime activities, be they professional or recreational. With that having been established, what we saw in “Stolen Honeymoon” was such a shocking and horrifying display of thoughtless abandon that we would consider ourselves criminally negligent if we didn’t call them out. As such, here are 5 of the most flagrant violations of Arizona boating law we were unfortunate enough to witness in this video.

1. Insufficient Personal Floatation Devices (PFD)

This is a big one. According to Arizona law, all vessels are required to have an easily accessible, Coast Guard-approved PFD for each person on board, yet nary is seen within reach throughout the entirety of the video. Both Anderson and Lee show a wanton disregard for this statute, and Anderson even goes so far as to enter the waters without a swimsuit, let alone a PFD at the ready. As the presumed owner of the boat, it was Lee’s job to ensure both he and his exhibitionist new wife had one before venturing out on the lake for their nautical journey of sucking and fucking. In failing to do so, he put both of them in mortal danger of inclement weather-induced choppy waters or an accident resulting from poor stewardship (more on that to come.) We can only count our blessings that neither occurred.

2. Unlawful Use of Foghorn

Each boat should come equipped with a foghorn whose designated purpose is to alert other vessels of its presence, particularly when the water’s conditions have significantly hampered visibility (e.g. fog.) It can also be used to warn of potential hazards in the paths of others. It is not a toy to be operated needlessly and gratuitously with your oversized penis, as Lee so heedlessly demonstrates in the video. Doing so can cause unnecessary stress on other boaters who may be in the area, which may further result in hazardous situations for which, as we’ve established in Violation #1, neither party was equipped.

3. Reckless Operation

While at the helm of the boat, it is of utmost importance to maintain consistent awareness of the vessel’s speed, propeller area, and position relative to any potential hazard markers. This requires the operator to be seated upright with both hands firmly upon the wheel. Completely naked while intermittently steering with his feet, and sometimes even leaving the helm altogether without anchoring, Lee exhibits a disdain for these regulations which would almost be comical if it weren’t so dangerous. Shame on you, Tommy.

4. Failure to Give Way to Restricted Vessel

As Anderson is swimming nude in the water next to the (presumably) unanchored boat, we hear another vessel approaching. From the sound of the motor, this is clearly a Crestliner 1860 Retriever CC Tunnel, which of course is a fishing boat. As we all know, fishing boats are considered restricted within designated areas, so it would have been incumbent upon Lee to ensure sufficient passage for the Crestliner. Predictably, he does not do this, instead choosing to implore his spouse to reveal her submerged breasts to him. This not only put the two of them in danger, but the poor inhabitants of the oncoming Crestliner as well. Lee would be well served in keeping his priorities in check next time, lest tragedy result.

5. Sitting on Gunwale While Boat is Unmoored

Towards the end of the video, we see Anderson teasing Lee by repeatedly revealing her pubis while seated perilously on the boat’s gunwale. Such behavior is committed at a profound and unwarranted risk to her safety, especially given the lack of PFD as outlined in Violation #1. While it was surely Lee’s responsibility to ensure his boatmate had a thorough knowledge of the boat’s designated seating at the onset of their excursion, Anderson is not completely without fault for not letting common sense dictate her physical location before she began to digitally penetrate herself. Honestly, this complete breakdown of passenger welfare can be placed squarely on both of their shoulders.

There you have it. While this list is by no means exhaustive, it should provide the reader with more than enough information to conclude that these two have a lot to learn when it comes to sensible and conscientious boating. The statute of limitations on these transgressions may have long since passed, but we firmly believe they will be held wholly accountable in the court of public opinion for generations to come.

Man Still Grieving Radio Station That Went Off the Air 20 Years Ago

By Ben Friedman

EATONTOWN, N.J. — Local man Brian Johanssen admitted that he is still grieving the loss of his favorite radio station despite the fact it went off the air over 20 years ago, those close to him have reported.

“Until I was 17, the only thing that mattered to me was 106.3 WHTG. DJs were like a cool older sibling who’d turn you on to the best alt-rock bands before they blew up. Imagine waking up one day to find they changed formats to Top 40 pop music overnight without warning. You’d be carrying trauma for over two decades too,” said Johanssen. “I know stations changing genres is a part of life, but I never even got to say goodbye! Yeah, I can listen to all the bands they played on Spotify, but until a Jersey native plays ‘Mother, Mother’ by Tracy Bonham followed by the local surfing conditions on my radio for me, my heart remains broken.”

Johanssen’s wife expressed concern over his inability to let go.

“When we started dating he told me in passing that it was the only station he listened to his entire childhood. It’s only recently I realized he has full-blown PTSD from its demise, like when I caught him giving his tattered WHTG poster in the garage the thousand-yard stare or when he brings up that Matt Pinfield used to work there and then starts weeping,” said Sarah Johanssen. “His grief is manifesting itself into annoying shit though, like building a radio station in the shed and emailing the old DJs to come play R.E.M. deep cuts with him. He needs to move on already.”

WHTG’s previous station manager still stood by his decision even after all this time.

“The only way we make money is through ads. I’m fucking sorry if our market research showed brain dead pop music generated more revenue than plaid shirt clad hipsters spinning At the Drive-In,” said Vinny Palapolis. “To this day I still can’t get over how attached some folks are to FM radio. I still have nightmares about the time I switched up a hard rock station to country and a bunch of metalheads tried to burn down the studio that night. Get a life!”

As of press time, neighbors in the area of the station confirmed that a figure dressed in black and looking similar to Johanssen has been seen laying flowers at the station antenna.

Nintendo Officially Changes Name of NES to “Regular Nintendo” 39 Years After Release

BY Steve Packosky 

KYOTO, Japan – Multinational video game company Nintendo has officially changed the name of Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES, to “Regular Nintendo” 39 years after its initial release, sources report.

“Such action is merely a formality at this point,” President Shuntaro Furukawa said. “Ever since the release of the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) in 1990, the NES has been referred to as ‘Regular Nintendo’ in households all around the world. As far as I know, only gaming elitists have continued to insist on referring to it by its original name. Nintendo prides itself on always putting the customer first, and this is just the latest example of us listening to them and responding in a timely and courteous fashion.”

Gamers across the world were quick to respond to the name change.

“Oh, I always just assumed that’s what it was called,” posted long time gamer Zack Parker. “When I was a little kid, we called it ‘Nintendo,’ and when the SNES came out, we called it ‘Regular Nintendo.’ Who cares? I don’t really understand why Nintendo is focusing its efforts on this when I’ve been dealing with Joy-Con drift for almost a decade. They might as well not even bother now, as the successor to the Switch is coming out next year. I swear, if I wasn’t such a Zelda guy, I would’ve sworn off Nintendo years ago.”

Sociologist Ashley Garcia provided insight into the situation.

“It’s actually very common in gaming for colloquialisms to be used more often than official titles,” Garcia offered. “For instance, I’ve only ever known the Super Scope as the ‘Super Nintendo Gun,’ and Mad Catz gaming peripherals have historically been referred to as ‘the shitty one.’ It’s puzzling that Nintendo is just now choosing to rename a console that’s older than most of the users of its products. As a gamer myself, I echo the concerns of Nintendo’s fanbase when I say the company could be spending its time and resources more productively.”

At press time, Nintendo was also renaming Super Mario Bros. 2 to “The Mario Where You Pick Things Up Instead of Smash Them.”

Tips to Win Your Next Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament (Guest Column by Bandit Keith)

BY Amity Gilmour 

Yu-Gi-Oh. Difficult to learn, expensive to master. Yet when going up against the best and brightest duelists in the country, you’re gonna need more than a rent’s worth of cards to come out on top. That’s why I’m here. As the former American Champion and the current legally disputed winner of Duelist Kingdom, I’m here to arm you with the knowledge you need to crush the competition and top your next Worlds.

Follow my advice, and you’ll be walking away with the greatest prize of them all: A sense of pride and accomplishment, a Steam Deck, and a single booster box of cards.

Believe in the Heart of the Cards

Hey, if it worked for those spiky-haired freaks then it should work for you. Of course, we all know that “Heart of the Cards” is just the politically correct way of saying “During your Draw Phase, place the card you want on top of your deck”. Be like the Pharaohs of old, and literally manifest the card you want.

Use the Power of Friendship

Friends are great. They cheer you on when you’re winning, bring you up when you’re feeling down, and serve as an excellent pool of resources to utilize whenever you need. Just remember that if you’re missing a few Star Chips or Locator Cards, there’s absolutely someone in your life who’ll donate them, willingly or otherwise.

Don’t be Afraid to Use a Rival’s Card

There’s nothing wrong with admitting when your opponent has a better card than you. So leave your ego at the door and slide it into your deck. Ideally after swiping it from them after you beat them up.

Remember to Open Your Latest Pack

Even third-rate duelists with fourth-rate decks know that more cards is better than less cards. And rare cards are better than common cards. Seriously, you need to send a message to your opponent. Your deck isn’t just better, it’s shinier. Are you actually going to show up at the Intercontinental Championships flashing a simple Holo Charizard instead of a Crown Rare? Pricks like you are the reason this country’s going to the dogs.

Make the Terrain Work for You

Field power bonuses don’t count for nothing if you play your cards right. All it takes is some quick thinking and a willingness to believe in the corruption of our judicial system. Snivelling little punk hiding in a forest to buff his bugs? Take a page from the Amazon Rainforest and burn it down. Ocean freak wants you to swim in a sea of monsters? Oil and a match. Facing off in a no-stakes duel against a nine year old in the middle of a heavily populated city?

Arson baby.

Drown out the Horrors of your Past

You don’t get to become a pro duelist without seeing some things. Things you’d rather forget. Like the time you pulled a 1st Edition Ultimate Rare and slipped it into the safety of your pocket. Only to absentmindedly hand your jeans over to your mom, having completely forgotten it’s laundry day…

The Russian Roulette was pretty gnarly too.

Prepare for Any Situation

Only idiots don’t pack in advance. I’m not referring to firearms or genitalia (naturally I wield both with deadly efficiency), but instead your decks. Bring every single one you’ve got. And if a judge asks to see your decklist, ask if they’ve seen anyone naked. Watch them break down in tears as you achieve both a literal and metaphorical win.

Make Your Own Luck

Starting hand not up to snuff? Your supposedly honorable opponent cut your deck in a way that makes him look sus? Don’t stand for that. You only get one life (unless you meet a handsome fellow with a knack for raising the dead), so don’t waste it!

What is “the sleeve” but a second hand? Stuff your best cards up there and whip ‘em out as needed.

Respect the Rules

We’re not savages. A rules-based society is the only thing keeping us from Time Streaming back into apes. That’s why you respect the official rules of this trading card game.

Specifically, you’ll want to respect the tardiness penalty (if your opponent doesn’t show after 3 minutes, they get a game loss, and after 10 minutes they get a match loss). So, make sure you show up bright and early, ideally after jamming some hotel room doors, cutting some brake lines, or stealing the one card that grants you entry.

Exercise Your Second Amendment Rights

When all else fails, just remember that Monster Reborn doesn’t work on people. That punk kid can’t sign the match result slip if he gets hit by your Barrel Dragon, know what I’m saying? Now sure, there’s no way this works on a holder of a Millennium Item, but there’s only like seven of those dweebs to worry about.

Apologies to my American readers, but this’ll only work in Japan.

Be the Bigger Man

There’s nothing wrong with admitting when someone has got you beat. Especially if that person has access to cards that can resurrect you from the dead, or ancient artefacts forged from the blood of slaughtered innocents that can straight up possess you.

It’s Fine to Hit a Child

There’s no way that little shit beat me! I don’t care if Pegasus gave him the secret to life itself, I totally had that duel in the bag. See how fast your lifepoints drop when I summon my fists in Attack Mode.