Hard Digest December 26: Early Access Time Travel, Cybertrucks, Break Ups, and More

Local Band With Just Drummer and Guitarist Must Have Time Traveled From 2011

By Ryan Dondero 

SAN DIEGO — Local indie noise band Static Teeth, which consists of just a drummer and a guitarist, left confused showgoers wondering if the duo had time-traveled from 2011.

“I’m shocked, honestly. I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Abigail Moreno, a regular at the DIY venue Pit Stain. “Bands with just a drummer and a guitarist? Now? No way. I haven’t seen one since Bradley Cooper was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I’m starting to think the only way Static Teeth exists is if they time-traveled from like, the early 2010s. They’re selling burned CDs at their merch table and telling people to follow them on MySpace and Tumblr. But that’s ridiculous, right? Time travel isn’t real…it couldn’t be.”

Bryce Shepard, drummer and vocalist for Static Teeth, says the theories surrounding the band are ludicrous and they are just like any other band.

“We aren’t musicians sent to the future to revive a dead scene, we are just a couple of guys trying to push sonic boundaries,” said Shepard, nervously sweeping his bangs from his eyes. “Yep. 2023 is when we were formed. That’s the year. Last year. 2023. We even have TikTok! Which everyone knows is an app for smartphones—not just a chart-topping Kesha song from 2009. Wow…2009. That sure was a long time ago, huh? TikTok has a lot of funny videos. But have you seen the music video for a song called ‘Friday’ by Rebecca Black? It’s hilarious!”

Dr. Rex Chronos, a self-proclaimed expert on time travelers and founder of the Council of Time Exploration, says it’s not out of the realm of possibility that a drummer/guitarist band might seek to time travel to the present day.

“Everyone remembers 2011 as the year of the royal wedding and ‘tiger blood,’ but it was also a year where it seemed like every other band was just a drummer and guitarist,” said Chronos. “If you were in a duo like that back then, you had a tough time gaining an audience. However, if you were the son of General Mark Shepard, who led the top secret Project Meridian at the DOD’s Cheyenne Mountain Complex, you could easily find yourself exploring new audiences across different times. I’m just sayin’.”

At press time, a frustrated Shepard was seen backstage trying to update his iPhone 4S.

Opinion: The Thing I Love the Most About My Cybertruck Is How It Helped to Usher in the Most Embarrassing Authoritarian State the World Has Ever Seen

By Trevor Graham

Oh man, have you seen my Cybertruck? It’s so fucking sick, dude. Just look at it. It’s like something straight out of a 1980s dystopian future movie that would show some titties and full-frontal hairy bush.

It’s fully electric, has those headlights that look like a fucking Cylon from “Battlestar Galactica,” it’s just fucking amazing and I love it. But I think the thing I love the most about it is how it helped to bring about the most jaw-droppingly embarrassing government in the history of the human race.

Every time I get behind the wheel of this absolutely badass piece of machinery I just marvel at the technology and innovation that went into making this sick ass truck. First of all, it’s made out of stainless steel just like the DeLorean from “Back to the Future” and can tow up to 11,000 pounds which will come in handy if Elon Musk ever makes a Cyber boat that I can haul or if I ever need to tow another Cybertruck that has broken down or gotten stuck off-road in a small amount of dirt.

All that said though, it just makes me feel good knowing that a portion of the nearly $100,000 I spent on my Cybertruck has helped to fund a corrupt and incomprehensibly stupid regime built on a platform of mediocrity and world-ending greed.

I mean sure, the windshield cracked when an acorn fell on it and I can’t get a replacement for it for six months and there’s a weird rattling sound that I can’t seem to find. And also sometimes when I plug it in to charge it I get a shock and taste burnt almonds for the rest of the day and it kind of bums me out. But then I think about how Elon Musk is starting something called the Department of Government Efficiency, which he calls DOGE, and I start laughing my ass off. Sometimes I laugh so hard and I pass out and smack my head on the concrete. My doctor is legitimately concerned if it happens again I might die, so Elon please stop making me crack up so often.

Do you get it? It’s like those dog memes from fifteen years ago. It’s so genius! And I gotta say I just feel good about myself and how… sorry I just thought about “DOGE” again and started laughing. So good!

Breakup Deemed Insufficiently Traumatic to Inspire Soul-Searching Album

By Nathan Kamal 

PORTLAND, Ore. — The recent breakup between aspiring singer-songwriter Davy Briggs and girlfriend of two months Evelyn Hanna was deemed insufficiently traumatic to inspire a soul-searching breakthrough album that will touch millions of sensitive souls, sources say.

“I was kind of devastated when Evelyn broke up with me,” Briggs explained. “So I naturally started laying down some tracks before the anguish subsided. Then I realized she was actually pretty cool and upfront about why she didn’t see a future with me and, honestly, neither one of us had all that much invested. Plus, we’re going to see each other around town and it’ll just be awkward to pretend that two months of hanging out is a pivotal moment in my artistic development. I mean, I didn’t even have a toothbrush at her place. I don’t think that’s a decent bar for 12 tracks of contemplative acoustic melancholy.”

Juliana Barroso, a longtime friend, sometime musical collaborator, and frequent reluctant listener of demos of Briggs’, agreed with his assessment of the collapsed relationship’s inability to summon the very spirit of lacerating heartbreak in musical form.

“From my understanding, it was a mutual breakup and he was only sad for a good 36 hours,” said Barroso. “However, he was looking up how much it cost to rent out an isolated cabin where the bittersweet memories of love could transform into an album that spoke for his dashed hopes and dreams, but when he saw the price-tag on those things, he was just like ‘fuck that.’ I thought the two of them were a cute couple, but let’s be honest: they met on Tinder, went to see a movie three or four times, and, apparently, did hand stuff regularly. Not exactly a relationship that needs to be immortalized forever.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioral therapist, says that realizing that not every breakup has the necessary amount of creative trauma potential to create a masterpiece is actually a very good sign for Briggs’ mental health.

“It’s quite normal for the recently dumped to think that their romantic failure could be the source for a generational collection of songs,” said Carter. “But frankly, Briggs and Hanna’s relationship merits may be a B-side or an EP with more than one remixed version of a song, at best. The fact that he can acknowledge is actually a huge step forward for him, though given that he’s a wannabe indie musician, he’s got a fuckton of work to do on himself regardless.”

As of press time, Hanna was realizing that she didn’t feel like listening to “Jagged Little Pill” anymore and couldn’t relate to any part of it.

Adorable Child Star Blossoms Into An Unmarketable Pre-Teen

BY Garry Kerls 

HOLLYWOOD — After putting in an impressive six years of portraying children on the screen, McClonkey Culkin, the youngest of the esteemed family of actors, has unfortunately developed into an unattractive and unmarketable pizza face.

“McClonkey was a true professional, acting was in his veins, however the passage of time tends to weigh heavy on the Culkin family,” says longtime Casting Director, Lori Shannon. “Like his brothers before him, there came a point where he would walk into the audition room for an adorable kid and we would throw up in our mouths a little.”

Kit Culkin, McClonkey’s father and the patriarch of the Culkin clan, has assured his managers and agents that his son is still at the top of his game.

“He’s still got some great stuff left in the tank,” the 80 year old told the press. “All he needs is a little Proactive and three hours in the make-up chair and boom! He’s practically a baby again.”

This is not the first time Kit Culkin has aggressively parented one of his sons into the spotlight. Back in the 90s Macaulay Culkin was placed on puberty blockers in the hopes of squeezing every last penny out of the child’s momentous success.

“It was hell!” Macaulay told reporters back in 2008. “The side effects left a rash on my face so bad they had to rewrite the ending of My Girl. All I did was work and work! The only time I could truly feel like a kid was at Neverland Ranch.”

Unsure if the child star will be able to make the shift into adult acting like his brother Kieran, this may be the last we see of McClonkey, until his inevitable return in nostalgia-bait holiday commercials 20 years from now.

At press time, the puberty riddled pre-teen has signed on for a three commercial deal with Accutane®.

Confused Nintendo Copyright Lawyers Get Ready For Luigi Mangione Murder Trial

BY Eddie Feeley 

NEW YORK — A team of copyright lawyers at Nintendo have begun putting together a case against Luigi Mangione, although some members of the team are not completely sure why they are getting involved in the murder case.

“I’m just not entirely sure what I’m supposed to be doing here,” said Nintendo Copyright lawyer Don Winters. “Like, yeah, I’m no stranger to bleeding Nintendo fans dry for even thinking about putting something that looks like a 1-up mushroom on a grave. It’s the murder trial thing that’s kinda throwing me. The guy doesn’t even seem to be a Nintendo fan, so what’s the point? But the top brass said to sue so I’ll do what I can. I just don’t think they fully understand what this case is actually about. All they know is that it’s in the news and the guy’s name is unfortunately Nintendo property.”

With the trial now including the much more serious charge of infringing on Nintendo copyright, the judge laid out how the trial would likely go.

“Mr. Mangione will have his defense team sit to the right of the courtroom,” explained judge Anya De La Vega. “And the prosecution will be on the left. We plan on bringing in a third table, across from the jury, to put the Nintendo lawyers. We can proceed with the murder trial as usual, and the copyright lawyers will chip in with any objections or witnesses or whatever it is they do.”

Although Nintendo’s legal team isn’t sure how much they’ll be able to do in this murder trial, some members are excited for the experience.

“I’ve never been involved in a murder case before,” said lawyer Hayden Boone. “And most of our other cases get settled outside of court. The thing that excited me most about this case is finally being able to tell my family that I’m involved in a normal CEO murder case. Usually when I try to explain my work to them they don’t understand. Shutting down a passion project a loyal fan spent years of time building as an object of love to our properties and slapping them with a million dollar fine is just as important if not more important than convincing a guy to murder.”

At press time, Mangione’s defense team have revealed that they are much less confident now that Nintendo is involved.