thehardtimes

Hard Digest December 25: Early Access Tattoos, Trad Husbands, Blood Work, and More

Added 2024-12-26 01:00:08 +0000 UTC

Punk Wishes He Had Gotten Tattoo of Alkaline Trio’s Heart Logo Instead of a Dog Shitting Razorblades

CHICAGO — Local punk Rikki Fedlimid felt remorseful after getting a tattoo of a dog shitting razorblades to show his love for pop punk mainstays Alkaline Trio instead of getting the more popular skull/heart logo, reported numerous sources.

“I didn’t want to be one of the thousands of people with the same exact tattoo,” said Fedlimid while perusing the band’s lyrics for a more tattoo-friendly line. “Everyone I know has that cardiac cranium tattoo that looks like it was drawn by a third grader and I didn’t want to be like anyone else. That’s not punk rock, ya’know? But then when it was time to get something, I panicked and just said the first lyric that popped into my head. It’s a great lyric, but a bad tattoo. And getting it really big and directly on my neck has just made everything worse. This is just like the time I got a tattoo of Glenn Danzig killing a baby instead of just the Misfits skull logo.”

Despite Fedlimid’s reservations, others involved with the tattoo have shared their enthusiasm.

“This might be the pinnacle of my career up until this point,” said Marge Whitnet, the artist behind the tattoo. “I have always been a huge Alkaline Trio fan and have only gotten to copy their logo before this. But with this one I got to stretch my creative muscles and really show my dedication through this design. That’s why, if you look really closely, you can see some incredible detail in the dog’s strained facial expression and shredded asshole. Even one of the razorblades has a striking resemblance to Dan Andriano.”

However, others in the scene have been less enthused by the design.

“It just kind of feels disrespectful,” said Matt Skiba, the vocalist and guitarist for Alkaline Trio. “We have so many better lyrics that they could have chosen. For instance, I would have gone with a couple of bored angels wearing party hats, watching a vintage television set tune to Channel 11 that was broadcasting two flies just fucking the ever-living shit out of each other. That would have been way more meaningful.”

Due to this backlash, Fedlimid has already scheduled another appointment with Whitnet to cover up the tattoo with a less graphic image of Cannibal Corpse’s “Tomb of the Mutilated” album cover.

Trad Husband? I Cheated On My Wife, Got Violent With My Kids, and Failed Upwards at My Job

By Tim Sheard

With all these women making serious bank on social media sharing their lives as “Trad Wives” it got me thinking: I’m a traditional husband; why not me?

First off, I believe in the traditional family. And like everyone else who says that I pick and choose which traditions I’m talking about, based entirely on what suits my needs in the moment.

As a Trad husband, I know that a woman’s place is at home. And a man’s place is in several homes with several women, none of whom know about each other. And sure my wife probably knows about the other ones, but that’s just motivation to keep her looking fit and trim. Plus where else will she find someone who won’t ever help with dinner, but always complains about it?

As a dad who is Trad, I let the kids know who’s boss. I practice corporal punishment with my sons, letting them know that they get the belt if they ever talk back, show emotion, or do better than me in sports. As for my daughters, they are chaste angel princesses whose virginity I will protect with violence, regardless of whether or not they want me to. I will NOT let anyone sexualize my daughters, and refuse to acknowledge that my obsession with their virginity is, in and of itself, sexualizing them. You’re creepy, not me.

I’m entirely unqualified for my job, but I’m tall. That, along with the fact that I’m classically handsome and white, makes stupid people feel safe. Therefore my inadequacies are overlooked, so as to hold up the appearance of the status quo. What’s more traditional than that?

On top of that, my inability to follow through on projects at work has been misinterpreted as confidence, which in turn has actually given me more confidence. But because I did nothing to earn this confidence, underneath this frail shell, my whole personality is built on a fragile foundation of insecurity and defensiveness, that will lash out, violently, to protect my ego. You know, guy shit.

I know I’m no saint. Look, nobody’s perfect. Or as the t-shirt one of my kids bought me says, “pobody’s nerfect!” At least I think it was one of my kids. It might’ve been one of the young women from my congregation I’m sleeping with. Did I mention I’m a youth pastor? Because obviously I’m a youth pastor. TikTok here I come!

Getting Bloodwork Done Significantly Less Metal Than Carcass Fan Was Hoping

By Reuben Blanchard

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local metalhead and rabid Carcass fan Nick Patterson was shocked to learn that despite how it sounds, bloodwork is actually pretty boring, sources confirmed.

“I asked the nurse when I’d be covered in the sickly warm embrace of my own arterial spray” explained Patterson. “But they said it’s rare to nick an artery when drawing blood. I mean, Carcass makes medical stuff sound so gnarly, so I assumed that the ruthless extrication of the essence of my being for diabolical and torturous means would bring me agonizing pain. I pictured them cutting open my chest with a rusty knife, ripping out my heart with their bare hands, and then juicing my vital organ like a lemon to get the blood. Instead, they asked a distracting question about my dog and suddenly said ‘all done’ and slapped on a cute bandage before shuffling me out of the room. I didn’t even feel the needle. Not to mention I was given absolutely no time to windmill.”

The medical staff mentioned while Patterson seemed a bit confused, his labs were completely standard.

“His triglycerides looked great, but his LDL and Non-HDL were both higher than we’d like,” said Patterson’s medical provider, Lara Hernandez. “Nothing to worry about, he should just cut down on the fast food and carbs a bit. But for someone his age, overall, things looked good. However, he did mention he was very disappointed in the lack of scalpels and bone saws lying around. I politely reminded him that medicine has come a long way since the Middle Ages, and then he asked if he could see inside his own veins. It was weird.”

Patterson is one of many in a long line of metalheads who seem to take the lyrical content of their favorite bands a bit too seriously.

“It’s honestly becoming a bit of a problem,” opined Jeff Walker, primary lyricist for Carcass “People are taking everything we say literally. It’s actually pushed us to head in a new direction going forward. Our new album is called ‘How to Properly Apply a Tourniquet’ and is filled with genuine medical advice. And at the end, it helps you sign up for health insurance. Not that the Affordable Care Act is long for this world, though.”

At press time, a disillusioned Patterson was seen googling “Does Corpsegrinder even cum blood?”

Spartacus Lookalike Contest Ends In Collective Draw

BY Jake Mooney

ROME — A lookalike competition for the famous gladiator Spartacus ended in a massive tie as almost all contestants began asserting themselves as the true hero, local sources confirmed.

“I simply asked for the real Spartacus to make himself known so he could win the 50 copper-coin prize”, Octavius Flavia, local statesman and event organizer, lamented. “Once someone finally did, another contestant interrupted him, rather adamant that he was the true warrior. Then he got interrupted and things went off the rails from there.”

The competition ended up lasting three hours more than scheduled, with organizers eventually declaring a collective tie as contestants began shouting “I AM SPARTACUS” in defiant unison.

“I really thought I had this in the bag,” Julius Maximus, a contestant with a stark resemblance to the Thracian gladiator, gave his thoughts on the matter. “But after that first guy declared he was the true Spartacus, I realized that Spartacus isn’t about what’s out here, but in here,” Maximus explained, pointing to his heart, with tears in his eyes.

Locals who were in the area at the time reported feeling rather inspired after witnessing the spectacle.

“I was just going for a stroll, but as I heard the contestants got louder and louder, I started to wonder if I was also Spartacus.” Helena the Younger explained, with a determined look in her eye. “Before I knew it, I was a part of the growing crowd, arguing with contestants over who the true Spartacus was. I know we were fighting, but it felt weirdly unifying to be there. I’m kind of glad no one won the cash prize, it really would’ve killed the vibe we got going.”

At press time, Roman senators have outlawed lookalike competitions after a man at an Julius Caesar lookalike contest was stabbed 23 times.