Hard Digest December 24: Early Access Christmas Crap, and More

Guy Wishing for Class War This Christmas Will Settle for a Decent Panini Press

By Chris Bowen 

ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will settle for a nice hot sandwich maker instead if need be, fed-up sources report.

“Given the fact that the whole country is fixated on the killing of that United Healthcare CEO and since it has opened the eyes of so many working-class folks to how the disgustingly wealthy oppress us in every facet of our lives, I just know this is our year,” Karnes said. “I’ve dropped hints to all my friends, my mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, and I even sent an email to the CEO of Orkin saying that this year, he and all his other bloodsucking, rich cronies are toast. It’ll be a real Christmas miracle! But, um, in the event of government interference, I have a few other ideas.”

Audrey Karnes, Jullian’s mother, feels guilty her son may not get his wish, but believes he’ll be more than happy with the alternative. 

“Oh, I just hate to see Jullian get his hopes up like this. He’s done nothing but listen to Angelic Upstarts and go on Reddit to talk about working-class oppression with his internet friends for weeks,” Mrs. Karnes stated. “When I typed ‘class war’ into Amazon, I didn’t find anything remotely close to waging war on rich oligarchs. I did however find him a really nice panini press that burns the Crass logo into the bread. That’s just going to have to do until more Americans open their eyes to the bastards that grind us down.”

Working-class historian and scholar Jada Munson explains how many holiday stories originally had strong pro working-class messaging. 

“For a holiday that has become a cesspool of capitalist consumerism giving the illusion of happiness while bosses rake in record profits across the world, it’s pretty ironic stories like ‘Frosty the Snowman’ were originally set out to be the very antithesis of those things,” Munson stated. “Very few people know Jack Rollins was a staunch working-class activist, and he came up with the song while dodging the bullets of company finks when he wasn’t slaving away in the coal mines. But CBS thought it would be more marketable if it were about a snowman and not killing coal bosses. It’s a real shame.”

At press time, Audrey Karnes was seen wrapping her family’s gifts with

Opinion: Jokes on You, I Wanted to Spend Christmas in This Disneyland Holding Cell

By Matt Husser 

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the inside of this subterranean Disneyland prison complex is so delightful. That’s right, I might be the one behind bars but it’s actually you who has been caught in my cunning little “Home Alone” trap, cause jokes on you: I actually wanted to spend Christmas in this Disneyland holding cell.

You think it was an accident that I ended up here? A mere coincidence that I got so drunk off twelve ‘Genie and Juice’ cocktails that I decided to hit Goofy with the Stone Cold Stunner in front of all those families during the Christmas Fantasy Parade? Au contraire my friend, this is all going according to my master plan.

You see, money can buy you all sorts of things at Disneyland. A Magic Key Pass to skip the lines. Membership at the exclusive Club 33 where you can rub elbows with the elite class of Disney Adults. Hell, you go down the wrong alley at Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge and flash credits to the right Hutt you can get a lapdance from Jar Jar Binks himself and ooh, mooey mooey, heesa be bussin’ it down. But the most exclusive attraction of all is Scar’s Slammer, and all it costs to get in is your dignity—and I already lost that when I tore my pants after the security guards dressed like Buzz and Woody tackled me.

While all these pathetic families are above ground pretending to be happy while gawkin’ at the Christmas lights, these suckers are missing out on the best part of the whole park. Shit, so what if my kids don’t talk to me anymore, I got three hots and a cot in the happiest holding cell on Earth! I’m making prison eggnog with some non-dairy creamer I swiped from TinkerBucks and ‘Mickey’s Moonshine’ I hid in the wall when I was in here last Christmas. Best of all, I get to spend the holidays with my chosen family: a bunch of minimum wage security guards who aren’t spending Christmas with their families either—and unlike my ungrateful kids, their little handbook says they gotta call me ‘Sir’.

So I’m gonna kick up my feet and enjoy my Christmas in here, and you better not let me out early either, cause you know what I’m gonna do the minute you open that cell? I’m gonna find Goofy and ring in the New Year with another Stone Cold Stunner, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

“Snowperson” and Other Updated Holiday Terminologies That Are Guaranteed To Incite Pointless Rage in Your Shitty Uncle

By Violet Cowdin 

It’s the holidays, which means it’s time to go home an delicately navigate social interaction with the right-wing bigots you have nothing in common with you call “family.” Your clan has a clear “No politics on holidays” rule (which your uncle loves to repeat while wearing his MAGA hat) but they can’t control your language! Here are 10 updated holiday terms that will enrage your uncle into an early grave faster than “He is a convicted fellon who is mentally unfit to hold the office of the presidency” ever could.

1) Snowman = Snowperson
The perfect term to slip into conversation over some Irish coffee with the uncle. Wait for him to take a sip, then ask if he’s made a snowperson with the kids this year. I dare you. He’ll turn a shade of red you didn’t know was possible for the human skin organ to create.

2) Mrs. Clause = Gertrude Clause
She has a name, asshole.

3) Italian Rainbow Cookies = Luigi’s Cookies
Because in this house? Luigi is a hero. And, as respectfully as possible, a sex symbol. By “house” I mean whatever building I’m physically in when I see Italian Rainbow Cookies.

4) Gingerbread Men = Gingerbread Them
“Does everything have to adhere to such rigid heterosexual gender norms??? Are you really that insecure?”

5) Snowflake = Cold Rain
“That just is exactly what it is. Believe science. And while you’re at it? Believe women.”

6) Gay = Gay
This is the only non-updated holiday terminology on the list. It means cheerful, jolly, full of mirth. It also happens to be the word your uncle is probably most afraid of being called because his masculinity is as fragile as a hand-blown glass ornament. Might I suggest sending him a nice holiday text? Something like…”gr8 seeing u and cuz so gay while watching football together. I hope 2 b as gay as u 1 day! Happy HOLIDAYS”

7) Snow Angel = Snow Plasma
Again, science is important. Aliens are in New Jersey, and soon some of us will be beamed up. Anyways – The closest thing to what people describe as “angels” are amorphous masses that are more accurately described as plasma. Sorry to burst your bubble, unc.

8) Shortbread = Averageheightbread
Do we have to point out everything’s physical stature? Even when it comes to something I dip into my tea? This year I’ll be leaving a plate of averageheightbread by the fire for Santa.

9) Rudolph = “The Twink”
I said what I said. I believe this to be true, and if you took one second to think about it you would agree. Maybe this is an opportunity to teach your shitty uncle some new terminology that he’ll think over in his pea brain for the rest of the evening. Cheers!

10) Happy New Year = Billionaires Should Not Exist, Revolt
We will never truly have a happy new year until the financial ruling class is overthrown and made to pay for their crimes against the species. This year, makes your resolution a revolution.

RFK Jr. Admits to “Doing a Human Centipede Once” in Unprompted Confession

BY Gabriel Stahr 

WASHINGTON — RFK Jr. Shocked reporters attending a press conference on Saturday when in a completely unprompted diatribe he confessed to “Doing a human centipede once.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe the kind of things that have happened back at the lodge, ” said Kennedy, ignoring a question about healthcare reform. “There was even the time I was doing a human centipede once. So I was in the middle, and you’d think the worst part would be getting caca in the chompers but that’s happened a few times before. I was prepared for that.”

Reporters were caught in a state of stunned silence for a few moments as President-elect Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health continued to ramble about his reenactment of the 2009 film.

“When I think about making America healthy again, I think about the innovations brought forward by visionaries like Josef Heiter from The Human Centipede” said RFK, scratching his upper lip. “His operations still prove to be leagues safer than the horrible operations pushed by the woke left on America’s children.”

When asked for comment on RFK Jr.’s absurd confession, House Representative Nancy Pelosi stated the following:

“I am shocked and appalled at the audacity of Trump’s choice for the Department of Health. No one making such unsafe and reckless decisions, whether for the public or for themselves, should have so much power over the health of the American people.”

At press time, Representative Pelosi cast her vote in favor of the “Replicate Human Centipede 3” Bill, which authorizes prisons to attach prisoners ass-to-mouth.

An Open Letter From America’s CEOs: This is Supposed to Happen to Schoolchildren, Not Us

BY Johnny Amizich 

Dear Parasites,

Due to the assassination of Brian “Working Class Hero” Thompson by the coward Luigi Mangione(allegedly) on December 4th, 2024 we, the owners of this country, felt compelled to address you all directly.

This act of unprovoked violence is the kind of thing you expect to hear has happened to a classroom full of children, not us. We, the people who actually make things happen and enrich your lives with the very products and services you take for granted. How dare one of you step out of line? When’s the last time you heard about a second grader creating something like the Cybertruck, ChatGPT, or Moana 2? How many children have had the wicked smart idea of destroying multiple complete films to reap the tax rewards? Has a kindergartener’s Welchian leadership tactics ever yielded dividends to your stock portfolio? Has your child ever maintained quarterly growth for multiple years by making up bullshit measurements for growth and user retention?

We thought not.

It’s a sad day in America when the coldblooded murder of one of our fellow executives, all of whom deliver results every day to the economy and most importantly, our shareholders, is met with indifference and even celebration. And yet, so many of you find tears to shed every time a grade school classroom is turned into a Jackson Pollock painting from the blood of children. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

To those of you who have embraced, praised, and gone so far as to canonize Mr. Mangione; enjoy this moment while it lasts. Savor it. Because while most of our pet congresspeople hem and haw and do a sad little dance every time a school is turned into a warzone and, as if it wasn’t obvious, they are merely providing lip service to something that will never be addressed. Because they know doing so would impact the bottom line of the very people responsible for putting them in office. So let’s see how long it takes for a bill named the “Brian Thompson CEO Protection Act” to pass vs something like the “Stop Children From Being Butchered Act”. I think we all know the answer. Luigi Mangione is not some folk hero nor is he some righteous crusader. He’s an opportunity. He’s the excuse we need to cinch the noose a little tighter around your collective necks. So as we said, savor this moment because it is fleeting.

Finally, once our good friend Donald reascends the throne, the real fun will begin. We’re in talks to have Secret Service protection for every executive in the country to ensure this won’t happen again; Anyone who makes an attempt will have their body pumped full of more hot lead than a high schooler in homeroom, and their bloody carcass put on display. There will also be a hotline where people can report suspicious behavior both online and in the real world — and be rewarded handsomely for speaking out — on anyone who is even remotely suggesting some harm befall one of our most precious resources: the capital holders AKA the ones our founding documents refer to when they say “We, The People”.

Kindest Regards,

The CEOs of America