Hard Digest December 22: Early Access Trump Administration, Fursuits, and Violinists

Trump Administration Poised to Remove Federal Protections for California’s Last Known Aquabats

By Matt Oriente 

SAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats.

“It’s wasteful. Why would we protect something that hasn’t been relevant since the late ’90s?” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “The liberals destroying this country with these DISASTROUS protections want your kids to be able to put on a mask and costume and identify as an ‘Aquabat’! These aren’t good people! Only VERY BAD PEOPLE wear masks: rapists, drug dealers, raccoons, luchadores — and ska bands!! I will repeal these protections IMMEDIATELY! MAKE AMERICA LESS THEATRICAL AGAIN!”

Trump’s statements have left Dan Leathman, president of the Aquacadet Preservation Society, deeply concerned about the broader implications.

“The Aquabats aren’t the problem. The protection itself isn’t the problem. The problem is the message this sends to the people most affected by the protections,” Leathman said. “And that message is: If you wear a mask and express yourself artistically through things like music, then you are no longer a ‘real’ band. He wants his definition of what constitutes a ‘band’ to become the law of the land because it benefits those bands closest to Trump. He absolutely wants to rid this country of anything that reminds people of the prosperous late ’90s. Trump would rather his friends in groups like Avenged Sevenfold and Imagine Dragons provide the soundtrack for this dystopian, late-stage capitalist hellscape.”

Diana Larue, a spokesperson for the ACLU, explained that while this type of promise isn’t new for an incoming president, it remains alarming.

“Quite a few presidents have vowed to repeal protections and regulations in a similar way,” said Larue. “In the past, we’ve seen other incoming presidents promising to repeal protections for The Hippos found in LA County and the rare Squirrel Nut Zippers in North Carolina. Very rarely do these proposals gain traction, but with Trump, it very likely could. And if that happens, it sets a dangerous precedent for years to come. Where would it end? This could be an entry point to start attacking other mask-wearing entertainers like team mascots—or GWAR. And GWAR won’t go quietly.”

This weekend, Leathman and his organization plan to hold a rally in front of the Del Taco in Huntington Beach, California.

Help! I Snuck Into My Parent’s Closet to Peek at Christmas Presents and Found a Fursuit

By Tim Sheard

So far, winter break has been pretty cool. I was really excited for Christmas, and I know Mom and Dad hide presents in their closet. When they were out on date night and the babysitter was distracted by the TV, I decided to sneak in to take a peek at what they got me.

When I first saw what was in the closet, I was so confused. Why would they get me this for Christmas? I already have a lot of stuffed animals, and my Zootopia phase was a few years ago. I also thought it was weird that the big tiger was wearing a “Furapalooza 2022 at the Long Beach Convention Center” t-shirt.

When I asked Mom and Dad about the big tiger in their closet later that night, they sat me down and tried to explain. They kept saying over and over that despite what some people say online, it’s not always a “weird sex thing”. So I asked, “What’s sex?” Then we had another uncomfortable conversation.

Once they finished explaining where babies come from, I asked about the oddly voluptuous husky that was next to the big tiger. Mom and Dad looked at each other, and quickly said, “Wouldn’t you rather open the gifts Santa brought?” I asked, “Wait, how did Santa’s gifts get here before Christmas? And why are they coming out of your closet?” Then we had a third, difficult conversation. I learned a lot that night.

After I finished crying, I decided I’m okay with my parents dressing up as animals. To show them, I drew a family picture with them in their fursuits. They said it was the best fan art of their fursonas they’d ever seen. I don’t know what that means and I’m scared to ask, but I think they liked it.

So, I had a pretty chill winter break other than that. Mom and Dad said that if I don’t tell my friends that they’re furries, next year they’ll get me twice the presents! How cool is that? So after I read this essay aloud to the class at show and tell, my lips are sealed!

Nation’s Pop Punk Violinists Still Holding Out for Post-“Ocean Avenue” Boom

By Matt Oriente 

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Pop punk violinists around the nation are still patiently waiting for their instrument’s popularity in the scene to explode following the “Ocean Avenue” boom in the early 2000s, sources confirmed.

“A lot of people feel the violin is this very prim and proper orchestral instrument, but when you think about it, isn’t it just like a tiny guitar you put on your shoulder and play with a bow?” said Rory Flinn, a still-aspiring punk violinist. “When ‘Ocean Avenue’ was released in 2003, I really thought this was our moment and that so many doors would open. The most it amounted to, though, was some guest spots on various projects, but even then it was mostly playing a moody violin intro. Yet here I am, still playing the same old ‘Violin Concerto No. 2 in B Minor.’ Or worse yet, I’m asked to be in a Dave Matthews cover band. I really picked the wrong instrument to learn in fourth grade.”

Sean Mackin, current violinist for Yellowcard, is just as surprised the string instrument hasn’t caught on.

“I think we can all agree that Black Flag would be greatly improved with a few fiddle parts sprinkled in here and there,” explained Mackin. “Just think, violins don’t have frets—unlike guitars—how punk rock is that? I mean, sure, it can be complex—proper bow speed, pressure, and angle make the margin of error so great that it takes years of practice to lower that margin even just a little. I can’t quite explain why it hasn’t been more popular among pop punk bands.”

Brad Selle, who has made a life’s work of documenting niche instruments in punk bands, isn’t all that shocked at the violin being effectively left out of the genre.

“You really only have to go so far as Yellowcard themselves, or Motion City Soundtrack and their Moog, or every ska band and their horn sections,” said Selle. “These instruments were cool at first, but eventually, they became boondoggles—a logistical nightmare. Imagine getting pretty far into the songwriting process only to realize, ‘Oh, crap. We didn’t account for the violin.’ All of these bands go through a time where, if they aren’t completely nixing the instrument, they’re certainly mixing them down on the records.”

At press time, the rest of the members of Yellowcard had to be reminded they still have a violin player in their band.