Hard Digest December 19: Gavin Newsom, Early Access Quentin Tarantino, Community College, Bartenders, and More

Gavin Newsom Calls for State of Emergency After Realizing He Hasn’t Been In the News For a Couple of Weeks

By The Hard Times Staff 

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency after realizing it’s been well over two weeks since he was the center of attention, sources confirmed.

“This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Some people said I should wait until Christmas and release a nice family photo that says ‘Happy Holidays from the Newsoms,’ but that’s just not feasible. There are too many cameras in California, and I need most of them on me at all times,” said Governor Newsom while flashing a smile to an intern. “A few months back I single-handedly solved homelessness in this great state by posing with a shovel at a cleared-out encampment, and nobody seems to be talking about that anymore. They say the problem is worse than ever, that we need a complete overhaul of our system, and they couldn’t be more wrong. It’s fixed, I fixed it. Now point your cameras at me while I smile and point. I even have a headline for you ‘Governor Newsom Shines Brighter Than the Stars Above.’ Print it, that will move units.”

At press time, Governor Newsom was caught on a hot mic reciting Patrick Bateman’s opening monologue in “American Psycho.”

Quentin Tarantino Caught Sucking The Mistletoe

By Evan Vest 

LOS ANGELES — A decorative mistletoe went missing at a Hollywood holiday party only to be discovered in a private bedroom being sucked on by major filmmaker and noted foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino, alarmed sources report.

“I could tell the vibe was getting weird from the moment he walked in the door and realized it was a ‘shoes off’ house,” reported a partygoer who asked us to remain anonymous. “Quentin’s eyes lit up, and he just kinda hovered around the heels and flats by the door, with a look on his face like he was admiring found treasure. I’ve never been more happy to have a spare pair of socks in my purse.”

Some guests had a more positive outlook on the situation.

“I’ll be honest, when I heard that no one could seem to find Quentin, it was a bit of a relief. I’m not sure I was ready to handle the constant talking” said Hollywood actor and frequent Tarantino collaborator Brad Pitt. “Every time we run into each other at one of these, it becomes a marathon of him listing these weird, obscure movies that he wants to re-make for a new audience. Sometimes I just want to grab him and tell him that most people don’t find ‘70s exploitation cinema as fascinating as he does”.

When asked to comment about his mistletoe fellating, a very sweaty Tarantino pulled the mistletoe out of his mouth to defend his behavior.

“You know, this gives me a great idea for a movie,” said Tarantino, much to the chagrin of the partygoers around him. “Think about it. The movie is set in Hollywood, 1977. Huge Christmas party attended by the hottest celebrities in town is suddenly crashed by a jaded actress who has come to seek revenge on the city and industry that burned her by showing and setting everybody on fire with, uh, a flamethrower attached to… a knife! That part can be played by Anya Taylor-Joy, as long as she agrees to be barefoot the whole time.”

Tarantino reportedly continued to be a weird nuisance at the party until he was forcibly removed for shoehorning in the N-word during the Christmas Carol sing-a-long.

I Didn’t Do Seven Years of Community College for You to Not Address Me as Associate of Arts, Pal

By Sidney Conant 

As the unofficial assistant hiring manager for Frankie’s Frozen Pizzas Incorporated, I’ve seen my fair share of disrespectful candidates, but I can’t say I recall a potential hire as inconsiderate as the man I see before me today. You walk into my office, shake my hand, and then deliberately ignore the framed degree I put next to my nameplate and call me “Mr. Frankie Jr.” like I’m some sort of chump? Listen to me very carefully, bud:

I didn’t do seven years of community college for you to not address me as Associate of Arts, a’ight?

I paid my way through school with nothing but the money I earned working here a couple of days a month, and a small, six-figure trust my father started for me by cutting back employee benefits. I think the least you could do is refer to me by my proper title, and maybe throw in a little salute or something.

Seriously, any dough-slinger can do it. You see those guys over there? “Hey Frankie, Associate of Arts, what the fuck you doing adding cinnamon to the sauce?” this, and “Yo Frankster, AA, if you don’t put on some goddamn shoes when you’re on my floor” that. Simple stuff, even if they ain’t anywhere near as smart or financially savvy as I am. And when I graduated? Oof, they made me the best pie you could think of and spelled out “Papa’s Nepporoni” with the toppings, which they tell me is Italian for “Your Successes are All Your Own.” And I’ll take their word for it, because I don’t speak dead languages.

Says here you got an education, too, in something called Chemical Engineering, whatever that is. Be honest with me: did you ever take History of Calzones 150? Because I’d like to see you try to even get a C- in that class, which was coincidentally the grade I got on my third go-around. No, pal, I don’t know what a PhD is—is that some kind of dumb person disease you picked up for being a complete dingdong?

Hold on, is Rose Totino Community College, home of the Mighty Minneapolis Margheritas, a little too highbrow for a man of your juvenile sensibilities? Would you have given me some respect if I’d attended Yale or Stanford or one of those other stupid, made-up universities you keep yammering on about? Or is someone just a little upset that they can’t compete with a guy who spent nearly a decade in academia to get to where they are now in their family business?

Yeah, go on and get out of here, buddy—we don’t need ya. We only hire the best, and you clearly ain’t it.

Man, once I sign on my first employee, Pops is going to be so proud.

Flair Bartender Probably Didn’t Need to Do All That With Man’s Prosthetic Leg

By Matt Husser

LAS VEGAS — Flair bartender Nico Cavalcante drew criticism from his customers today after they all agreed that he probably didn’t need to do all that with a patron’s prosthetic leg, sources confirmed.

“I was as impressed as everyone else when the bartender lit that guy’s prosthetic leg on fire and twirled it around, but there is a small part of me that questions if any of that was necessary to make a Mai Tai,” said Tom Clemens, sipping a $36 cocktail while watching the patron pour water on his melted leg. “Far be it from me to tell him how to do his job, but he was gyrating on it in front of that bachelorette party for a really long time, and the two-minute air guitar solo felt a little indulgent if his big finale was just opening a beer with the leg.”

While the boozy spectacle drew skepticism from his patrons, Cavalcante fiercely defended his artistic vision.

“Every maestro needs an instrument for their muse to communicate through: Michelangelo had his sculpting chisel, Phil Collins had his drum set, and I have that guy’s prosthetic leg,” said Cavalcante, contact juggling with a questionably-sourced glass eye. “My adoring admirers travel across the world to witness incredible feats of acrobatic mixology that delights all of their senses, and that requires each of the six Ps of flair bartending: Precision, Passion, Presentation, Personality, Professionalism, and, if the opportunity arises, Prosthetics. I defy anyone that was there that day to tell me that the ‘Lieutenant Dan Maneuver’ wasn’t absolutely vital to crafting the perfect cocktail.”

Cavalcante’s mentor, Tommy “Reno” Kowalsky, insisted that if you want to be the best, you have to use everything at your disposal—no matter what the haters say.

“Let me tell you somethin’, hombre, when flair bartenders step behind the bar we’re entering the Thunderdome, where one wrong move can be the difference between life and liquid death. I taught that young buck everything I know, and if you wanna create unforgettable cocktails sometimes you gotta break all the rules—and a few medical prostheses along the way,” said Kowalsky, performing a complicated spin move while polishing a large trophy. “I won the ’89 World Flair Bartending Championship by performing a ‘Bangkok Rim N’ Tug’ combo set to ‘Ave Maria’ and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when I wrung a Long Island Iced Tea out of that sick lady’s wig.”

At press time, Cavalcante reportedly took first at this year’s World Flair Bartending Championship despite some audience members questioning if he needed to do all that with that guy’s cremation urn.

Right-Wing Sonic Fan Befuddled by So-Called Ultimate Life Form

BY Matt Fresh 

CHARLOTTESVILLE, N.C. — Local right-wing gamer Kevin Thompson, known in online circles as “TheReichStuff88”, has taken to social media to express his absolute befuddlement at Shadow the Hedgehog being the ultimate life form despite being neither blonde haired, blue-eyed or white.

“I’m trying to get into the Sonic series since the new movie is coming out and I hear it’s not woke like Mario,” Thompson wrote in a post on X – the Everything App. “But one thing I’m really confused by is Shadow. He’s supposed to be the Ultimate Life Form but he doesn’t have blonde hair or blue eyes so how can that be? He’s not even white. It’s just not possible for him to be the Ultimate Life Form unless I’m missing something.”

Other Sonic fans on X – the Everything App, were quick to chime in and help Thompson come to grips with the insane premise of a non-aryan ultimate life form.

“I know it’s a big leap in suspension of disbelief but they made him in a lab to be the Ultimate Life Form so I think it’s okay,” wrote user GreenHeilZone. “Honestly a lab made colored hedgehog is a more believable ultimate life form than a woman or alphabet person so just be grateful I say. It could always be worse.”

Mr. Thompson became so confused that he uploaded a video to his YouTube channel “DoTheReichThing” in which he went on an in depth investigation over Shadow’s claim to be the Ultimate Life Form.

“So Shadow was made in a lab to be the ultimate life form but anyone creating the ultimate life form would know they had to be blonde with blue eyes and have sweet milky aryan skin,” Thompson said, becoming more and more manic and unhinged as the video went on. “But Shadow is none of those things. He becomes white when he goes super but he’s not pure white and he has the red eyes of the devil dems. Sonic on the other hand does become blonde with blue eyes when he’s super but he’s not white either as his base form is blue which is the color of the jews so he can’t be the ultimate life form either because as we all know the jews are sub-human goblins unleashed upon the world by the devil. Shadow is also most likely jewish as part of his plan of vengeance is using a space laser. As are the Robotniks. The original prototype of the ultimate life form was the biolizard and we all know the jews are lizard people who control the weather and the banks. So the only logical conclusion is that not only is Shadow not the ultimate life form but the entire Sonic series is a highly clandestine operation by the jews to indoctrinate our children.”

At press time, Thompson stated to his followers that based on his findings he would no longer be getting into the Sonic series and will stick with non-woke games like Baldur’s Gate 3.

Hailey Joel Osment Admits Kingdom Hearts IV has Been Delayed Because he was Trapped in a Simulation of his Dreams and Just Now Escaped

BY Brendan Osorio 

Shocking news came out recently that actor Haily Joel Osment, famous for films such as The Sixth Sense and A.I. as well as his vocal work in the Kingdom Hearts series, has been trapped in a simulation of his own dreams since the release of Kingdom Hearts III.

“It was so strange, It was like I was back on the set of A.I. except also my dad was there, but he wasn’t my dad he was Genie from Aladdin…” Osment said on a recent unlistenable podcast. “I don’t really know how long it’s been. I just woke up a week ago, the last thing I remember is Tetsuya Nomura telling me to drink this special tea that was going to help my voice stay warm for a long VO session.”

Osment had started working on the highly anticipated Kingdom Hearts IV before this strange affliction. Director Tetsuya Nomura claims he had nothing to do with what happened to the beloved actor but says it was a blessing in disguise Osment had the chance to connect deep with his inner soul and let his heart be his guiding key.

“We’re investigating Mr. Nomura, we believe he may be culpable in some way,” Stated Detective Jeffrey Katzeneisner, in a recent press conference. “Mr. Osment described several elaborate ‘disneyfied’ versions of his childhood memories we believe may have been induced by some sort of hallucinogenic tea given to him by Nomura. While Mr. Nomura has denied requests for further questioning; he did send us a box of sea salt ice cream with a note that just read “Chillax bro”.

Osment has stated that although he feels 100% better he still can’t stop hearing Hikaru Utada singing “Simple and Clean” in his head everyday.