Hard Digest December 18: Early Access Sisqo, Santa, Band Shirts, and More

Sisqó Teams Up with New York Philharmonic for “Thong Song 2025”

By Doug Kolic 

NEW YORK — American R&B singer Sisqó revealed that he would be collaborating with the New York Philharmonic to perform a rendition of the 1999 hit “Thong Song,” confirmed sources who vaguely remembered that song.

“I’ve been thinking about this since I saw a Vitamin Water ad with 50 Cent conducting an orchestra to ‘In Da Club.’ I figured it was time for me to grow up as well, show my audience that I’m an artist, not just some 20-year-old who’s interested in watching girls’ booty shake,” said the singer, now 46. “When I approached all 100 members of the Philharmonic at once about the collaboration, they weren’t sure the line ‘dumps like a truck’ would fit with a bassoon. But after convincing them that the audience of this song is now old enough to appreciate Beethoven, he immediately agreed.”

New York Philharmonic director Jaap van Zweden was excited about the opportunity to join forces with someone he hadn’t actually heard of previously.

“I have always wanted to perform a song specifically about women’s underwear. I’m going to start with a lone oboe, a lamb lost in the woods, and continue to layer the instrumentation while the narrative—whose throughline concerns a thin piece of fabric between butt cheeks—starts to take form,” said the composer. “The woodwinds rise out of a piano-forte, and we’re off, climbing the double-mountain. The timpani appears, rising alongside a cymbal roll that smashes down like waves—so that by the climax the audience’s heart is racing as I turn around and tear away my tuxedo pants to reveal a red satin thong. The message of the chorus is ‘let me see that thong.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Symphonic historian Klaus Wagner, PhD, wasn’t surprised to learn of the pairing.

“Everybody in classical music dreams of collaborating with Sisqó. But what is it about this particular composition? Is it the harrowing shift from C-sharp to D-minor? The increasing modulation? The surging instrumental section preceding the finale?” said the author of “The Definitive Guide to Classical.” “Personally, I think it’s the subtlety of the line ‘thong-tha-thong-thong-thong.’ Mozart would have given his left nut to write a melody that simple, yet elegant. But unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for his ‘Piano Concerto No.21’ track instead.”

Meanwhile, across the country, Kirst Novoselic and Dave Grohl reunited to collaborate with the Seattle Symphony on an update of “Rape Me.”

Son, You’re Old Enough To Know the Truth — There Is No Santa Claus, and Your Mother and I Enjoy a Cuck/Hotwife Dynamic

By Dan Rice

Son, I will not be mailing your Christmas wishlist to the North Pole this year, please have a seat. Over the years your mother and I have told you all about Santa, how he watches you all year to see if you’re good, how his elves build you toys at his workshop, how he visits every home in the world in a single night. I’m sure, by now, you’ve seen some cracks in the facade. You must have asked yourself at some point “How does he do it all in one night” or “How can a schlub like my dad satisfy a smokeshow like mom?” The answer to both questions is, he doesn’t.

Son, Santa Claus, and the implied monogamous bounds of my marriage to your mother, are just myths. Sometimes, parents need to make stuff up to encourage their children to be good or mask the deviant psycho-sexual proclivities of their particular, unique bond. We just wanted you to get the most out of being that age where you can believe in things like flying reindeer and Santa coming down the chimney and your old man having the endowment a stamina to keep up with your hellcat mother. You only get one childhood after all.

I know right now you’re thinking “If there’s no Santa, who was the guy in the red suit who surprised us Christmas morning when I was seven?” Son, that was just an actor we hired. Maybe you’re thinking “Then who was the guy plowing mom when I opened their bedroom door unexpectedly?” Well, that was the same actor, who your mother easily seduced while I listened from the bathroom. And before you ask, yes, the fact that we paid him for his acting services beforehand blurred the line between what is and is not a contractual sexual relationship and added a tantalizing layer of taboo for everyone involved.

You’re a smart kid, I’m sure on some level you’ve pierced all of this together long ago but to confirm, yes — your mother and I got you all of those presents, and your mother’s constant infidelity, far from scorning me, arouses and delights me more than any drug on the face of this earth. Believe me, I’ve tried them all.

We just feel that you’re getting a little old to be believing in things like Santa Claus or staying in the dark about your parent’s sexual lifestyle. You’re in your late 50s now, practically a man, and your mother and I would like to turn the den into a dungeon/kink community space. Please leave.

Scientists Warn that Random Women With Band Shirts May Be Asked to Name Upwards of 8 Songs by 2050

By Peter Woods 

STANFORD, Calif. — Scientists from Stanford University’s Center for Social Climate Research issued a new report claiming that women wearing band shirts may be asked by random men to name as many as eight songs by as early as 2050, much sooner than scientists previously anticipated.

“We don’t want to be alarmists but this is just the tip of the iceberg,” said scientist Paula Carita. “It gets far worse than just naming eight songs. You may be expected to name, at minimum, four albums, two related side projects, and any brand crossovers from the past five years. And our worst predictions say you will have to name at least four members, even if the band is a trio. Which is just not sustainable for human life.”

Following the publication of the Center’s findings, some members of the public have immediately begun preparing for this “new normal.”

“It’s already been so bad out there, I can’t imagine how it can get worse,” said Ilona Annachiara after just being asked by a stranger to name three intergalactic constellations because of her NASA shirt. “But I have to be ready for the worst. Just yesterday, I was wearing a tour t-shirt and random men kept berating me for not having memorized every tour stop on the back. When did it get this bad? It was only a few months ago that they would just flash me and move on with their day.”

Yet others have taken a proactive approach by demanding accountability before it gets too late.

“Men are the ones who are putting us in this mess and it’s men who need to fix it,” said Shaindel Faiza, communications director for Let Women Like Things, a California-based social justice organization. “Not everyone needs to be a totally unfuckable nerd about the music they listen to and men need to respect that before it’s too late. If women want to act like every song they hear is named after the first lyric they can remember, then that is their god given right and we’re going to fight until everyone in this country respects that.”

At press time, scientists revealed that, on the plus side, because of the effects of climate change, there will be less men in general by 2050.

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Courier Shot in The Head Near Goodsprings Just Wants a Turbo Man Doll For His Kid

BY Brendan Osorio 

GOODSPRINGS — A courier shot in the head near Goodsprings recently miraculously has survived and is expected to make a full recovery. The shooting was apparently caused by a dispute over a Turbo Man doll between Myron Larabee, the courier in question and his assailant, identified as “Benny”

“Man, I just wanted the stupid toy for my kid man,” Myron explained when questioned by NCR authorities who arrived at the scene, “I’m just a mailman, I wasn’t trying to get shot over the darn thing. I didn’t even have it man! I thought there were a few Turbo Man dolls delivered to the general store in town, but it was just a box of Boosters!”

Booster, being the wolf-like companion of Turbo Man, has been overstocked across the Mojave Wasteland, however it seems no one can get their hands on the elusive Turbo Man himself.

“Alright I’ll come clean, there weren’t any Turbo Man dolls at the general store but I did have this strange package in my mail bag,” Myron later said when pushed by reporters, “I opened it up and there he was, in all his glory. Can you believe I had one on me the entire time? Of course not long after that a hate crime was committed!”

The Turbo Man doll in question was reportedly en route to the eccentric Mr. House at his Penthouse at the Lucky 38 on the Strip. House has sworn to unleash his securitrons upon the entire strip and greater New Vegas area if his Turbo Man doll is not returned to him.

“Look all else I can tell you is this fancy ass white boy shot me in the head and told me “The game was rigged from the start” Like yeah you’re telling me! Ain’t no way for a black man to make it in this wasteland.” Myron concluded, leaving reporters baffled and also a little guilty.

As of press time the Turbo Man doll still has not been found however “Benny” was identified as the head of the Chairmen at the Tops Casino was found dead in his bed after what was an apparent crime of passion by a romantic partner murdering him post coitus.

Potentially related, Myron Larabee was seen leaving the Tops Casino the same morning the body was found.

Luigi Mangione Sentenced to 25 Years of United Healthcare Coverage

BY Johnny Amizich 

MINNETONKA, Minn — Luigi Mangione, the alleged shooter of former UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been sentenced to 25 years of coverage by United Healthcare.

“I’m just glad justice has been served for our dearly departed friend and CEO whose name we will never dare forget, our beloved Brad Thomas,” interim United Healthcare CEO Andrew Witty said. “Ben was a beloved member of the United Healthcare family and I’m sure Bob’s own family is grateful justice has been served.” When pressed on the unusual sentencing Witty responded, “What greater punishment could Brody’s killer be subjected to than this? But don’t worry, we will treat him no harsher than we do any of our other clients, and look forward to a fruitful quarter century for our shareholders by ensuring all his claims are denied.”

Judge Trudy Meyers, who addressed Mangione in court while issuing the sentence, did not mince words.

“I have never seen a young man so full of malice in all my days presiding over this court,” Judge Meyers said. “There are plenty of toll evaders, homeless, minorities, and otherwise lesser people whose lives you could have taken, and were that the case I would not feel so inclined to mete out such a harsh sentence but in this instance you leave me no choice but to impose the harshest ruling possible. Do you have any idea of the return I’ve seen on my United Healthcare stocks after, I forget his name, that you ruthlessly gunned down took over? Did you even stop to think of the shareholders?”

The prosecution, headed by District Attorney Rod Biggums, spoke to the press after the sentence was issued.

“I think the judge has it right in this case,” Biggums said. “This is America. And in America, we don’t kill our chief executives; We idolize and revere them. We hold them tenderly to our hearts like we would a baby bunny.  Further, if Mr. Mangione had spent more time pulling on his bootstraps and less time feeling sorry for himself and obsessing over his debilitating chronic back pain that UnitedHealthcare refused to cover treatment of – for I’m sure for very good reasons – he might have one day helmed a parasitic corporation of his own. Sadly, he chose another path.”

At press time, Mangione was receiving a standing ovation from a crowd of onlookers as he was handed over to UnitedHealthcare’s custody.