Hard Digest December 17: Early Access David Bowie, Male Loneliness, KFC, and More

David Bowie Fan Has Completely Different Personality Every Time You See Them

By Zachary Wolf 

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. — Friends of local David Bowie fan William Malloy report the young man has a completely different personality every time you see them.

“I saw him last week and he was this clean-cut mod guy,” said Slater while fretting over what to get Malloy for his birthday. “But a few hours later he had long frizzy hair and kept talking about space. Yesterday I ran into him and he was wearing a beautiful dress, but he kept saying how we’re all going to die in five years, which was a bummer. I tried to have coffee with him this morning, but he was worried he’d blow my mind if we did. Plus, he also goes by John, or Jesse, or Twiggy Moonstar, or Butterscotch Lightning, or any other name-of-the-week, which isn’t helping anything. Frankly, it’s like I’m meeting him for the first time every time, and I don’t mean that in a good way.”

Malloy defended his eclectic tastes.

“Bowie didn’t limit himself to one personality or outlook on life, so why should I?” reported Malloy while shopping in every section of a clothing store. “So what if I completely reinvent who I am once, twice, three times a day? What business is it of yours? It’s not my fault you’re set in your ways and don’t want to spend half your income on apparel. Maybe try opening your mind and looking at the world from a different point of view once in a while. I have a feeling that decades from now all of you will truly appreciate my range of interests and wardrobe choices.”

Long-time Bowie producer Tony Visconti has a unique point of view about Malloy’s eclectic personalities.

“The ironic part is that David stuck to the same routine every day, as best he could,” said Visconti while looking for his VHS copy of “Labyrinth.” “He rarely wanted to do anything different. Same breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, same clothes, you name it. We had to practically hold a gun to his head to make him dress differently for each album cover. If it was up to him he’d have worn the same trousers and button up dress shirt every day. He’d always complain when we asked him to change the theme from record to record, but in the end he usually came around.”

At press time, Malloy was seen painting a lightning bolt on his face in preparation for a new passport photo.

Opinion: There Is No “Male Loneliness Epidemic” If You Remember Bugs and Ghosts

By Alex Vlahov

Get ready for a truth bomb. I keep hearing about this new bullshit epidemic known as “male loneliness” and it makes me so mad, I wanna make a new friend out of spite. I’ve got good news for you, bros: you’re never alone! Technically, that is. Think about how many insects surround you at all times. Oh, and did you completely forget about the spirit realm? Thought so!

Think about how badass bugs are. They can bench like four times their weight. I think? Roaches can survive any doomsday scenario. You want to learn from cockroaches, my dude. Tenacious. Confident. Relentless. I study cockroaches to help me get better at approaching women in public.

You know how many bugs are around you right now? On the floor, on your skin. They’re inside you, bro. That’s hot. I let bugs crawl in my ears as an endurance test. That’s right, I can take it! Sometimes the comforting hum of all the insects in the world is enough to keep me going with the hustle, the sweat, the grind. I’m not crying, I’m totally fine.

I don’t know if you fuck with ghosts, but I had a wild Ouija board experience that changed things for me. Yeah, I was playing alone. What’s wrong with that? That shit is real. My ancestors are real. You wanna fight my ancestors? I didn’t think so!

Especially if you’re on the East Coast or in the South, those regions are littered with ghosts. I’m talking poltergeists in an eternal loop, blubbering on like some whiny beta. You are truly never alone with the spirit world, populated by floating pussy subs that won’t even make contact despite my debate abilities honed on Reddit.

How could you forget about ghosts and bugs, bro? There’s a whole world outside your narcissist pedestrian brain. Wake up, cut loose from society, man. This whole “male loneliness epidemic” is a myth propagated by dating apps. It’s a lie our woke culture has forced on us. Real men are fine being completely alone. I don’t miss my friends. I’ve got this! Who cares if I can’t find a roommate? Who needs a date past the first? Not me!

If you want to talk more about this, I’m super easy to contact. Feel free to reach out to me. Any time. Seriously, would love to chat. Not that I’m lonely! I’m surrounded by hundreds of spectral friends and creepy-crawly homies. I’m actually more popular than ever. I’m 100% fine, bro.

Trump Most Excited to Return to Oval Office to See if Bucket of KFC He Stashed in Floorboards Still There

By Doug Kolic 

PALM BEACH, Fla. — The recently reelected Donald Trump announced that he was most excited to return to the White House in order to locate the 18-piece bucket of fried chicken that he hid, according to nearby sources.

“We have so much unfinished business!” stated Trump as he forced J.D. Vance to taste test his Pretzel Baconator in case it was poisoned. “We need to close the border and fix this horrible economy that Biden left us, but my first act as leader of the free world will be to figure out where the hell I stashed that delicious bucket of the Colonel’s finest I hid somewhere in the floors before voluntarily leaving office in 2020. I’d ask Melania if she remembers, but she didn’t really spend much time here. Maybe one of her body doubles knows.”

White House security guard Danny Wales explained his interactions with Trump while he was out of office.

“Mr. Trump was caught numerous times over the past four years trying to sneak back in,” stated Wales. “But instead of secret documents that we figured he was trying to smuggle out, he always had some old fast food items that he was trying to scurry away with. We once caught him trying to dig up a box of McRibs that he hid under the North Lawn. And just a few weeks before the election, he showed up pretending to be the cable guy, in hopes of finding some Crazy Bread he put somewhere in the Lincoln Bedroom.”

Presidential historian Dominique McKenna revealed that outgoing presidents often hide important personal items before leaving office.

“It’s a well-known secret that all one-term presidents leave something behind,” said McKenna. “These men hope that one day they’ll return, similar to how tourists toss a coin into Rome’s Trevi Fountain. Franklin Pierce left behind his favorite bottle of Kentucky Bourbon, while rumor has it that George H.W. Bush hid a pair of his whimsical socks that he was known for wearing. Bill Clinton stashed used condoms for some reason. But I’ve never heard of anyone doing anything like that with food. That’s pretty gross.”

At press time, custodians announced that they had located the container of KFC under a floor tile in the bathroom, but confirmed that the bucket was empty except for leftover chicken bones and a few grease-smeared classified documents labeled “National Security.”

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Nintendo Adds Exact Moment of Your Death to Zelda Timeline

BY Ben Friedman 

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo sent Zelda fans into a frenzy after a surprise update to the series’ official timeline to include the exact date and time of the death of anyone who has ever played a game in the series, insiders have confirmed.

“With so many branching timelines in the Zelda series, we know it can get confusing as to which games fall into what future or past within the saga. We felt it was finally time to make it clear in the timeline the precise moment you abandon your mortal coil and how it may or may not correlate to the events of ‘The Wind Waker’,” said series producer Eiji Aonuma. “Careful consideration and deliberation has been made as to when the events of the games take place, but the precise moment and cause of your deaths was quite simple thanks to our in-house oracle. We hope gamers will be excited to see if they’ll live long enough to play the next entry!”

Zelda fans were surprised, then upset to see their ultimate fate included in the history of Hyrule.

“This can’t be right. The website says I’m going to be hit by a bus on June 12, 2032, and not only that it’s during the Twilight Realm timeline! Does that mean someone on the development team can traverse time and see how I die or is this some kind of ‘Majora’s Mask’ easter egg where I know death is imminent,” you say, desperately refreshing the Legend of Zelda home page. “All I wanted was some clarification on when the hell ‘Breath of the Wild’ is supposed to take place. Is this because of all those ROMs I downloaded? God, the only way this can get worse if they included that cringey fanfiction I wrote in middle school – as shit, there it is. Well Nintendo, I know you can see me somewhere, so go ahead and update the timeline to kill me now.

Aonuma added that if you go and whine about the circumstances of your demise on social media, your death will automatically be re-canonized within the crappy CD-I Zelda timeline.

Batman Distraught to Learn He Smells, Robin Laid Egg, Joker Got Away

BY Peter Ferrarese 

GOTHAM CITY — Masked vigilante Batman has reportedly been beside himself after he was informed by a group of teenagers that he smells, Robin laid an egg, and the Joker got away. 

“I don’t know, I guess I just got so caught up in saving Gotham I just never stopped to think about other important aspects of life, like personal hygiene or Robin’s concerning medical situation,” the Caped Crusader said in a grizzly-voiced statement to reporters. “Who knew that all the physical activity that comes with fighting crime day in and day out could cause you to work up such a sweat? And that maybe when you name a kid Robin and give him a bird-themed costume, it’ll sort of go to his head. I’m gonna need some time to take care of all this. I’ll buy some deodorant and take a shower at the very least, maybe take the boy to a doctor. As for the Joker, well, that’s basically business as usual around here.” 

Those close to the famed Justice Leaguer have noted a drastic shift in his overall demeanor since the news was delivered to him. 

“I’ve not seen the young Master so down in the dumps since…well, you know what, I won’t say it publicly,” said butler Alfred Pennyworth, who is apparently also one of the Dark Knight’s closest friends and confidantes. “And right before Christmas, too. He’s taken all of this news rather hard, indeed. It’s certainly not feeling very cheery around here—not that it usually does, of course. He practically lives in that cave down there.”

Even some of Batman’s enemies have offered their sympathies during this difficult time. 

“I was planning a winter-themed heist with Mr. Freeze, but it’s not much fun if the Caped Crusader’s acting all, I don’t know, glum,” noted Gotham criminal Oswald Cobblepot, also known as “The Penguin.” “Hell, I’m a kingpin and even I can find the time for a little holiday spirit. He should get outta Gotham for Christmas, go to Cabo or something. Never seen the guy so stressed out.” 

At press time, Batman was spotted pacing back and forth feverishly at his local mechanic after the Batmobile apparently lost a wheel en route to the city.