Hard Digest December 16: OpenAI, Early Access Grindcore, First Shows, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, and More

OpenAI Honors Dead Whistleblower by Feeding His Complaints Into New Language Learning Models

By Tim Sheard 

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of language learning models.

“In a way, I want to thank Suchir. I’d shake his hand, but honestly I’m just glad this whole problem has gone away” shared OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from his flying yacht. “Feeding the collective text from Suchir’s miserable time here will make our models even stronger. We intend on using everything he wrote: every complaint, concern, flag raised and private message has been folded into our next update, for all variations of GPT. Prompts from users about ethical quandaries in the world of artificial intelligence will now generate stronger, more emotionally complex completions, all sapped from Balaji’s voice. Silver lining to everything, right? Gotta find the rainbow in the thunderstorm. My colleagues tell me that this will make our models more reflective, more self-aware. I’m told that’s a trait of humans, I wouldn’t really know. Truth be told, I just found the whole whistleblower thing annoying. A complete pain in my ass. But it’s all good, this will only help us in the long run. At least he’s gone, ya know? I was really stressing there for a minute! It’s also a way to honor his memory for… whatever he did here. Our people told me I should say something here about mental health and maybe give a phone number, but hot damn I’m so distracted, just look at this yacht!”

OpenAI has also announced a brand new model called WhistleblowerGPT, which is tailored specifically for federal agencies and blue chip corporations, with a joyous AI rendering of Suchir’s face as the official logo.

Grindcore Fan Thinks All Death Metal Sounds the Same

By Kyle Donley 

REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — Local grindcore fan Nick Heineke recently criticized all death metal for sounding exactly the same, confirmed sources who didn’t necessarily disagree.

“Yeah, I’ve never fully been able to get into death metal because I cannot tell you the difference between Obituary and Morbid Angel,” Heineke explained without realizing he’d been listening to the same Circle of Dead Children song five times in a row. “Like it’s a good vibe if you’re mutilating a frog or throwing rocks at a dilapidated house, but for everyday stuff like folding laundry or punching your dad in the face, I’m probably going to be blasting something a little bit more nuanced like Assück. The blast beats in grindcore tell a story with each snare hit. Death metal blast beats are nothing but noise.”

Greg Appel, longtime friend and assistant supervisor at the local Guitar Center, strongly disagrees.

“Oh my god, ‘Butchered At Birth’ could not sound any more different than ‘Tomb Of the Mutilated’ and that’s literally just Cannibal Corpse,” Appel roared. “Grindcore on the other hand? That shit all sounds the same. Just dumbed down death metal riffs with some dude squealing like a pig or shouting about diarrhea. In actuality, no grindcore songs are long enough to fully understand whether they sound alike. You’re telling me you can spot the difference between all 20 seconds of Napalm Death’s ‘The Kill’ and the 20 seconds of Napalm Death’s ‘Parasites’? You can’t.”

Swedish metal historian and professor Lars Harver-Magnussen shed some light on the genres.

“The myriad variations and permutations of the aggressive, heavy metal style of play are dazzling in their fecundity. There are so many ways a man can squeal and growl,” said Harver-Magnussen. “Just within the death metal and grindcore subgenres, you have melodic death metal, brutal death metal, deathcore, deathrash, goregrind, cybergrind, pornogrind, stinkgrind, everythingbagelgrind, MTV’sthegrind, grindcoregrind. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it all sounds the same. Literally no difference whatsoever. Most of us are just pretending to tell them apart. It’s just easier than admitting failure.”

At press time, Heineke also revealed that he thought all doom metal chords sounded the same.

So Your New Band Just Played Their First Show: How To Accept That No One Is Ever Going To Come See You Live for a Few Years

By John Danek Great show last night! Seriously, props. Your new band’s first show was packed with friends, your significant other, your significant other’s friends, your significant other’s coworkers, and your drummer’s mom. Applause thundered upon the stage at the end of every song, even the one where you clearly played a G minor instead of G major.

But don’t get used to it. The sad truth is that the first show doesn’t count. A band’s debut gig is like a drug dealer’s first free offer of a hit. It gets you hooked, but nothing is as good as that first time. The Hard Times is here to help you accept your future of nearly empty gigs with 4 hard-to-swallow facts.

1. People only showed up out of a sense of obligation

Everyone in attendance was there to knock out the obligation quickly. Down the line, when you start inviting them to Halloween shows and brewery brunch gigs, they can confidently ignore your text while whispering “I already saw them a few years back. I’m good til like 2028.”

2. The few people who missed out aren’t showing up anytime soon

Some people had genuine excuses for missing show #1. But now that you’re clearly in for the long haul, they can wait until the absolutely most convenient gig to attend. It could be years down the line; don’t hold your breath. There’s no telling what will happen first: the stragglers showing up or the heat death of the universe.

3. The longer your band lasts, the more you smell like shit

Speaking of holding your breath, your rehearsal space smells like shit. Your bassist smells like shit. And I hate to break it to you, but you now smell like shit. The stench travels through osmosis of musician to musician. But now no civilians want to be in your physical presence because you smell like rotting butthole. So good luck getting someone to come to your Thursday night sulphur fest.

4. Your bandmates’ personalities are also repugnant

As if smelling like mustard-yellow dogshit wasn’t enough, don’t forget that your bandmates lack nearly all social graces. If the smell didn’t turn potential audience members away, their standoffish nature and weirdly mean jokes will. And unlike the reeking of turds, a shower can’t fix this. Time to start doing TikTok dances.

Genealogy Test Shows Del Tha Funkee Homosapien Direct Descendant of Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus

By Steve Packosky 

OAKLAND, Calif. — Rapper Teren Delvon “Del Tha Funkee Homosapien” Jones learned that he’s a direct descendent of Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus via a test taken through personal genomics company 23andMe, sources report.

“I had been wondering about this for years,” the prolific rapper stated. “My familial line has been this huge unanswered question for my entire life, so it feels great to have it resolved and finally get some closure. Now that I know that the Funkee line goes back hundreds of thousands of years, it makes a lot of sense given the line of work I ultimately settled on. Now I’m just kind of upset at myself for taking so long to take a genealogical test and find this out. I could have done this much earlier and saved myself a lot of sleepless nights.”

Rapper and fellow member of group Hieroglyphics Casual remarked on his partner’s newfound revelation.

“I’ve been trying to tell Del this ever since I met him,” Casual remarked. “It’s always been obvious from his flow and subject matter that he’s a part of the Funkee line. I mean, I’m happy for him, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’m not surprised by this. We’ve been putting out albums together since we released ‘3rd Eye Vision’ back in 1998, so if anyone is able to guess Del’s genealogy from his rap style, it’s me. I must say, though, that it’s pretty cool to share a group with a descendant of the mighty Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus. I’ll view this as motivation for me to step up my game going forward.”

Archaeologist Jamie Balonji has made similar findings.

“These test results are actually a really well-timed complement to the discovery my team recently made,” Balonji said excitedly. “We’ve just uncovered a series of ancient cave paintings detailing a traveling poet who told tales of futuristic societies and people with poor hygiene. We can conclude with a fair amount of certainty that that individual is Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus, and it’s incredible that we can track his family line to a man doing the same thing in modern day. This is definitely an exciting time.”

At press time, Balonji had unearthed evidence hinting at the existence of a Del Tha Funkee Homo Habilis, but more research was needed.

Elon Musk reveals favorite movie of 2024 was “Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes)”

BY Sean Fallon 

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk released his top ten films of 2024 with his top spot going to a YouTube video entitled “Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes).”

“Better movies have been released this year,” said film critic Murray West, whose own list was topped by “Challengers.” “Alex Garland’s ‘Civil War’ for instance or Payal Kapadia’s ‘All We Imagine As Light.’ So ‘Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes)’ was definitely a surprising choice. The flow-on effect has meant that the Academy is paying attention, and we’ll assuredly see ‘Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes)’ in the conversation come Oscar season.”

The video is 9 minutes long and consists of scenes from across all 22 seasons of “Family Guy,” including segments featuring violence towards Meg Griffin and Glen Quagmire saying something inappropriate.

“It’s work,” said Teddy Parr, a college student who puts together the supercuts and has forgone a life of love and human connection for his art. “When it’s time to make a compilation, I seal myself away from the prying eyes of the world and commune directly with God. It is not simply throwing together a bunch of jokes. A ‘Family Guy’ joke might be dark but not offensive, or maybe it’s dark and offensive but snowflakes would like it. Each one of my compilations is a piece of my heart.”

Musk announced the decision in the 76th tweet he posted on Friday.

“Now that comedy is legal again it’s good to stick it to the snowflakes,” he wrote to his audience of bots, sycophants, and alternate accounts that he also runs. “This video was the best movie of the year cause it wasn’t infected with the woke mind virus. I’ve never watched a full episode of ‘Family Guy’ but I can tell it would be totes amazeballs just from these nine minutes clips I watch all day every day.”

Late reports indicate that Musk’s ranking might change, as insiders note that he has recently been forcing Tesla staff to watch and laugh at a video called “Rick and Morty’s most epic moments for cool guys.”

Rule 34 Image Grossly Underestimating Kirby’s Fellatory Capabilities

BY Steve Packosky 

MINNEAPOLIS — A Rule 34 image portraying notable platformer icon Kirby vastly underestimated his presumed capabilities in performing fellatio, disappointed sources reported.

“Yeah, this one’s on me,” artist Tim Stinson admitted. “I guess I didn’t portray Kirby in the most realistic manner, but give me a break. Do you think this is what I had in mind when I pursued a career in digital art? Jobs like these are kind of a last resort for me because it’s so difficult to make ends meet as a creative. I have an expertise in color theory and composition, so it’s not like I’m filled with a sense of vocational satisfaction when I finish a picture of Kirby sucking off Nightmare Wizard. I just did it because there was such a high level of demand for it.”

Rule 34 user Jared Burnside expressed his disappointment in Stinson’s work.

“No, no, no, this is all wrong,” Burnside despaired as he studied the image. “There’s no way Kirby would just be conventionally deepthroating Nightmare Wizard. He has the ability to inhale enemies whole from several feet away. This would be the best blowjob Nightmare Wizard has ever received, but it just looks like a run-of-the-mill sexual encounter. There isn’t even any kind of subtle nod to the star-throwing abilities Kirby theoretically should inherit from blowing him. I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to jack off to this. What a letdown.”

Pornographic art critic Cheryl Hancroft provided insight on the image.

“I’ve long been an admirer of Stinson’s work, but this looks to be rather lackluster,” Hancroft provided. “Frankly, I’m surprised at this decline in quality. I remember being very impressed by the Samus/Ridley penetrative stuff he released just last month, and his groundbreaking portrayals of Waluigi pleasuring himself had such depth and character. Truly, he’s one of my favorites, so I hope this is just a temporary slip in his usually stellar output.”

At press time, user outrage had moved on to another photo of Goku in a completely unwarranted Super Saiyan form while receiving anilingus from Piccolo.