Hard Digest December 15: Early Access Dream Theater, Co-Workers, and Facebook

Friend Group of Dream Theater Fans Makes Pact To Lose Their Virginities Before They’re Eligible for Social Security Benefits

By Steve Packosky 

NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A friend group composed of progressive metal band Dream Theater fans made a pact to lose their virginities before their Social Security benefit eligibility, cringing sources reported.

“Girls have always been ignoring us and running off with jock types who wear Rhapsody of Fire shirts and actually clean their eyeglasses, and I guess we just kind of got resigned to it over time,” member Luke Brevin said. “It was about time we did something about it, so when I suggested making this pact, the guys were all down. I turn 56 in August, so we’ve got about a decade to make it happen. I’m not sure if we’ll succeed, but one thing is for certain: this is going to be one wild ten summers.”

Eyewitness Erica Stauffer rolled her eyes at the group’s actions.

“I saw this group of old dudes with skullets standing with their right hands touching in the middle of a circle, and I immediately knew what they were doing,” Stauffer scoffed. “Given that they went right from making their little pact to discussing the riffs in the song ‘A Change of Seasons,’ I don’t think it’s going to happen. Have you seen the cover of that EP? Jesus Christ, dude. I don’t think anyone’s going to be charmed by them anytime soon. Their only hope is to pretend to be diehard listeners of literally any other band for the next few months. Honestly, they’d even fare better as Rush fans.”

Dream Theater keyboardist Jordan Rudess weighed in on the situation.

“I hate to say it, but this is a lost cause,” Rudess offered. “I’ve been playing in Dream Theater since ‘Scenes from a Memory,’ and even I’m still a virgin. I can tell you firsthand that our particular brand of slumber-inducing musical wankery has the exact opposite effect of an aphrodisiac. I wish them all the best, but we all know this is going to end with them completely giving up and reverting to just talking about their favorite songs off our album ‘The Astonishing.’ Ugh,I still can’t believe we called it that.”

At press time, the friend group was seen competing with a rival group of virgin Symphony X fans to win the attention of their love interests.

How To Act Like You’re Interested in Your Co-Worker's Recap of Their Weekend, Even Though You’ve Been Tracking Their Every Movement on Venmo With a Fervor Not Even You Can Understand

By Violet Cowdin 

It’s Monday. Your co-worker has a lot to tell you about their weekend, and pretty soon you feel yourself wanting to exclaim each payment detail from their Venmo exchanges over the weekend just to get the conversation closer to the end. Why? Because you have essentially been cyber-stalking them on Venmo for reasons even you do not fully understand.

Just through observation of transactions you can witness relationships bloom and die, friendships turn from excited to formal, drug deals go wrong, drug deals go right. I’ve witnessed humanity and cruelty in the same breath, through a single comment. It’s powerful stuff, and sometimes when you are handed power like that it’s impossible not to abuse it. Here are some tips to feign interest in what your coworker has to say as if you haven’t been compulsively piecing together every minute detail of their lives during bathroom breaks for some reason.

Try to stay away from specifics

Perhaps your co-worker brings up their mom. This, depending on your mood, can be a tempting time to drop the fact that you know she pays their rent every month by disguising each payment with a cheeky kiss emoji. You might even want to mention that you know she only uses that emoji after “can u not???” was commented on her “NOVEMBER RENT HONEY I LOVE YOU OKAY HONEY” payment. No bother. That’s none of your business, or my business, and for some reason it’s public?

If they bring up their friends, don’t start reciting their last names in alphabetical order

This seems like an obvious one, but sometimes instinct kicks in. You never know what you may have retained in the depths of your mind, and what might pour out unbeknownst to you. Sometimes it might feel like it wouldn’t be weird to just fess up and tell them: “I’ve looked over all your transactions for the weekend, I hope you had fun with Becca during your GALS NIGHT at Six Flags. Was the hot dog good? I was salivating in bed last night at the thought of it.” But you shouldn’t do that, it’s not what the app is for…they say.

Keep the dissociation to a minimum

Sometimes when you hear frivolous information that you already learned from your retina burning doom scroll the night before, it’s normal to start to space out. It’s okay to have a moment lost in time and space, gluing your eyes to the middle of their eyebrows and not blinking for over 30 seconds, but you better snap out of it. Your disinterest could lead to someone spreading water cooler lies about you.

Smile and nod

At the end of the day, this is what it’s all about. Portraying a chill, laid-back exterior so that your co-worker isn’t intimidated (scared) by your technological prowess – or OCD tendencies, depending on who you’re talking to. Ultimately, to be born in the time of Venmo is a curse none of us asked for. I don’t think anyone wants to click on a comment, have questions about the tone and thus relationship, and immediately find said commenters’ Facebook account, kicking off a deep dive into their family tree starting with Meemaw that won’t end until 2:37am. Alas, here we are. So, again dear reader: When in doubt, smile and nod.

Man Checks Into Facebook to See How Random Guy Met at College Party in 2011 Is Doing

By Rob Steinberg

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Intermittent Facebook user Jonathon Tanner returned to the social media platform to see how Todd Costas, whom he met once at a college party 13 years ago and added as a friend, is doing.

“I haven’t been on Facebook for a long time but I figured I’d log back on to see if Reels is still a thing for some reason,” Tanner explained. “I met Todd at a freshman party and we bonded after he held me up to do a keg stand. After that I only occasionally saw him in the hallway for four years. We never had a conversation after that night, just a courteous nod when we crossed paths. Glad to see he is now married, furthered his education at the ‘School of Hard Knocks,’ and working at something called ‘Dunder Miflin.’ Plus, he seems to be exclusively friends with hot women wearing skimpy bikinis and no mutuals.”

Costas seemed to remember Tanner as well.

“Yeah, I still post on Facebook but mostly just pictures of my kids and to moderate my group called Truckers 4 Trump,” said Costas. “I saw Jonathon liked one of the photos. Took me awhile to remember who he was and then I recalled he was that guy at some party who told me that the Seth Rogan movie ‘Paul’ was the funniest shit ever and that we should add each other on Facebook. He then tried to impress everyone by opening his beer with a lighter even though it was a twist off. I don’t know how he’s doing because he hasn’t posted since 2016, but I wish him no harm.”

Mark Zuckerberg, watching every Facebook interaction from his Meta Goggles, shed a single tear over the encounter.

“When I started social media 20 years ago, I had a vision. A vision where people have to scroll through targeted ads, AI images of war vets, and most importantly, see the occasional status update of someone they added on a whim. We did it, people! We changed the future,” Zuckerberg said. “I am going to store this information in our ‘Precious Moments’ data center along with that time a woman on Instagram hovered over a cat photo too long.”

Although Tanner never planned to directly message Costas, his account eventually got hacked, which sent Costas a DM about investing in a crypto scam.