Hard Digest December 13: Early Access Hot Topic, Touring, "Speed," and More

Hot Topic Staff Swaps Out “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Halloween Merch For “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Christmas Merch

By Jerrod Kingery 

SAN ANTONIO — Employees at the Hot Topic store in Ingram Park Mall are working diligently to replace all of the Halloween season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” products for the Christmas season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise, confirmed hurried sources.

“It’s important to get this product switched out seamlessly, since like 90% of our revenue comes from ‘Nightmare’ merch. The other 10% still comes from nu metal band shirts,” said store manager Luke Marcotte. “But it’s kind of tough to tell this seasonal stuff apart, so you have to know what you’re looking for. Typically the Halloween merch is Oogie Boogie-heavy, while the Christmas stuff is all about Sandy Claws. Except the black holiday Oogie Boogie hoodies, those are for Christmas. Those are different from the black Oogie Boogie hoodies we sell year-round, too, I think. Jeez, they really all look alike. Spencer’s makes stuff like this look so easy.”

“The Nightmare Before Christmas” superfan Matilda Garza has been looking forward to the new Christmas merch drop, but has become frustrated with Hot Topic’s delays.

“Most normal stores have their festive stuff out as soon as Halloween is over, but Hot Topic is so slow,” Garza noted. “I went shopping to get a new Christmas Jack and Sally shirt I saw on TikTok to wear to our Friendsgiving celebration, but all they mainly had was the Dr. Finkelstein shirts and figurines still. So instead I show up wearing the Halloween shirt with the movie poster on it that I bought last year, like I’m some sort of asshole. Get your shit together, Hot Topic!”

Disney Vice President of Seasonal Merchandising Hannah Andrews acknowledges the peculiar place “The Nightmare Before Christmas” has in the company’s sales plan.

“With its roots in both Halloween and Christmas, ‘Nightmare’ merch dominates Q4 sales for us,” Andrews said. “And through our partnership with Hot Topic, we keep fans of the movie engaged with our products year round, especially for those who celebrate the movie during Easter and Labor Day. But yeah, a lot of these goods look the same, and oftentimes we forget to send new products or accidentally release the same Corpse Kid t-shirts over and over again, just with slightly different tags and price points. It’s been over 30 years, and there’s only so many frames of the movie to put on a t-shirt.”

At press time, a massive truckload of money made from “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise residuals was seen backing up to Tim Burton’s house.

Opinion: I Already Get Fucked Up Every Night and Sleep on a Floor; I Might as Well Go on Tour

By Jay Shingle 

Ithink I finally found my career: touring musician! It’s been a long, strange path, but I have put in years of work, and it’s about to pay off. I was sitting up against the wall of my mom’s basement, eating day-old pizza, trying to get my shit together. I looked at my pile of blankets and pillows on the cement floor, my guitar with five of its six strings on, and the collection of empty 40s piled up in the corner–then it dawned on me: I am meant to be on tour!

I remember a guidance counselor once saying that a career isn’t just a job, but it’s a lifestyle. I’ve been practicing the tour lifestyle for all of my teens and most of my 20s. What makes me a “loser” here in the eyes of my friends, family, and most of society will make me a winner out on the road. See, on tour, as long as you play a few notes every night in front of 2-12 people, then you automatically have the excuse to live how I live. I am no stranger to asking random people to crash at their place, and as a band, they feel cool saying yes! Not like Brandon. Fuckin’ Brandon, made me move out after two months because I wasn’t “paying rent nor contributing anything whatsoever to the household.”

Well, the joke is on you Brandon because Clay is coming on tour with me. We are forming a duo, “Acoustic Alchemists,” and we are going to figure it out as we go. Clay said something about supporting me in doing anything but what I was already doing (which is basically just living to party), I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening to him because I am the leader of this band. But it’s going to be great. We will hopefully make a little scratch too, and I won’t even have to ask my step dad for beer money. It’s a win-win! And the drugs I have been buying with money from my mom’s change jar? Not a problem anymore! People love to give bands free drugs on tour. I am almost certain I will get smoked out most nights.

I really hope everyone out there reading has the same realization I did if you are struggling. My message is: don’t try too hard. Craft the career you want for yourself. Practice the lifestyle first, and everything else will fall into place. Clay and I just have to figure out the transportation part of this plan, but his family is loaded, so I bet his grandpa will let him use his van. The guy is senile and doesn’t drive anyway–hopefully he forgot and left some cash in there.

Bus Driver Fed Up with Third “Speed” Situation of Week

By Nathan Kamal 

CHICAGO — Local public bus driver Charlene Algren is fed up with the third “Speed” situation that forced her bus into a heart-pumping thrill ride so far this week, according to her oddly diverse and visually distinct group of passengers.

“The CTA [Chicago Transit Authority] has gone to hell the last couple of years,” said Algren while exchanging quips with a ruggedly handsome police officer. “I can barely get through a week without a homicidal maniac with extremely sophisticated bomb construction skills rigging my bus to explode if it drops below a certain speed and bringing even more chaos to a city already on the brink. And don’t even get me started on the sorry state of public transportation etiquette, most of the time I feel like I’m driving a mobile playground full of drunks, plus a bomb.”

Alan Carroll, a personal injury attorney and regular rider of Algren’s route, was also very used to regular “Speed” scenarios.

“At a certain point, if you take public transportation and you’re not building in time for delays or high-octane bus races against time, that’s on you,” said Carroll. “It’s really just such a common thing these days that I factor in an extra 35, 40 minutes for unlikely partnerships that might develop in a pressure-filled bus and, if it’s one of those days that it doesn’t happen, I just have time to get a latte or something. Still, it’s better than taking the Red Line.”

CTA Vice President of Paratransit Operations and Customer Service, David Fowles, said there was little they could do.

“Budget cuts and decreased ridership has hit the CTA hard in recent years,” said Fowles. “It doesn’t help that the city police budget got pushed past $2 billion for 2025, although those guys never really seem to do anything about CTA issues or what we generally call a ‘Money Train’ deal. Pretty much all major cities are currently dealing with increases in high-tech evil geniuses installing speed-sensitive explosive devices on public transportation these days, although I would like to emphasize that muggings and non-manic-exhilaration rollercoaster of action crime has actually dropped to pre-quarantine levels.”

As of press time, Algren was daydreaming about her upcoming vacation on a Caribbean luxury cruise ship that almost certainly would not get wrapped up in the fiendish plans of a computer hacker bent on vengeance.

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Santa Announces He Can Only Afford to Give One Child PS5 for Christmas

BY RJ Dralle 

NORTH POLE — Santa Claus announced today to his workshop of elves that he could afford to only give one little boy or girl a PS5 for Christmas this year.

“The reality is that there are millions of children in the world, and at almost $500 a pop, there’s no way the big man, who works only one day a year, can afford to buy that many PS5s,” explained the North Pole’s Chief Financial Elf, Jingles.

Sources close to the situation confirmed with one local North Polian that old Saint Nick has been dealing with some financial setbacks but has done everything he could to make sure every child has a good Christmas.

“He sold poor Doner and Comet to a butcher. He and Mrs.Claus started an OnlyFans that was so hot, it made me melt. But unfortunately, none of it generated the income needed to get more than one PS5,” explained local snowman, Burrrt.

Now, Santa has the difficult task of determining which child will be the lucky one to receive the sole PS5. But the children of the world are not making it easy on Kris Kringle. It has been reported that after Santa made his announcement, his workshop has been bombarded with letters from children bribing him for the PS5.

“One kid sent Santa her allowance to persuade him into bringing her the PS5. Another promised extra cookies for him if he came down the chimney with the game console. One child even promised to let Santa kiss his mommy if he brought him the PS5,” exclaimed Head Elf Holly.

At press time, Santa has reportedly increased list checking by over a thousand percent in an effort to determine which child will get the PS5. 

New Star Wars Series for Children Alienating Audience of Man-Children

BY Corey Arder 

FREMONT, Calif — Star Wars Fan Garret “Darth Killor” Grant declared he’d finally had enough as the fourth episode of Disney’s new Star Wars series “The Skeleton Crew” began to roll credits.

“I’m just sick of this…woke? No, wait, uh-it’s DEI! DEI-driven crap trying to force diversity down my throat instead of focusing on real issues that affect real people! Don’t they know the people who threaten them online if they don’t do exactly what we want are the REAL fans!” the 36 year old grown man with a job and bills to pay fumed, growing increasingly red-faced and fussy.

Jumping on X – the Everything App, Jenkins discovered he was hardly alone, as among the thousands of bots echoing his exact thoughts back to him, he managed to find a single other human being that agreed with him.

“Why so SERIOUS? Because my childhood is being dismantled right before my eyes to please a bunch of globalist corporate masters,” a 44 year old man only willing to be identified as XxDarthJokerxX posted, “They’re afraid of our massive numbers and power, so they disenfranchise us the ONLY WAY they know how! Buy my NFTs and show them they can’t OWN ART,” the grown adult society expects to be able to moderate himself raged over a fourth energy drink in lieu of water or a meal to “sharpen his senses like a vibro-blade cutting through Riann Johnson’s woke agenda.”

Reached for comment, Simone Broussard, a well-adjusted 10 year old enjoying playing pretend with her friends, had another take on the show.

“The kids are all like WHOOSH! And the grown-ups don’t know WHAT’S going on, but they’re like PNYAW! PNYAW! EEEEURRRRRR!” she enthused energetically, enjoying a children’s show without forty years of parasocial attachment to a low-budget space opera cobbled together from various inspirations from the director’s own childhood.

At press time, Jenkins was asked if he was familiar with the inspirations behind the original Star Wars and responded, “I don’t watch movies to READ, I hear that’s how the virus gets into your mind and forces you to forget what’s really important!! Welcome to the REAL WORLD, IDIOTS!”