thehardtimes

Hard Digest December 12: Our Punk of the Year Revealed, Early Access $6.66, Elon, Joe Biden, and More

Added 2024-12-13 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Luigi Mangione is The Hard Times’ 2024 Punk of the Year

The streets of New York are a little less dangerous for C-suite healthcare executives now that Luigi Mangione is in a Pennsylvania jail. But our offices were rocked by such a late entry into our 106th annual Punk of the Year award.

We had our choice locked and loaded. It was going to be our buddy Dirty Doug, he had a hell of a year. He ate 30 cigarettes on a dare, and didn’t throw a single one up. He bit a cop who was trying to arrest him for being drunk and disorderly, and he claims he hasn’t showered since February. This man deserved the award. Then everything changed. On December 4th a masked gunman shot and killed UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then fled the scene on a bike. We knew at that moment we had a new contender for Punk of the Year.

It turns out that man was Luigi Mangione. You might be saying, “But he’s a rich kid from a life of privilege, he can’t be punk.” Well, tell that to every crust punk you have ever met. The biggest difference between Mangione and your average crust punk is that Mangione actually took action. He didn’t just tell his dad to fuck off and then go panhandle downtown, anyone can do that. No, our Punk of the Year did something that might actually foment change for once.

The bar for Punk of the Year has been raised to an impossible level, we only hope next year’s recipient is as deserving.

Metalhead Still Riding High After Receiving $6.66 Back in Change from Gas Station 3 Days Ago

By Chris Bowen

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local metalhead Devon Kingsley is reportedly still feeling a slight sense of euphoria after receiving $6.66 back from a purchase he made at a gas station convenience store a few days ago, denim-clad sources report.

“This was almost as fulfilling as the time my credit score hit 666,” said Kingsley with a large wad of beef jerky in his mouth. “I walked in to get my usual ‘fountain Dew’ and a slice of breakfast pizza, and I was stoked when I noticed they brought back Strawberry Tab on draft. But that’s only the beginning, I also scored seven chipotle chicken and cheddar Tornados that were discounted for having been under the heat lamp for seven hours. All that for $3.34! And to top it off, getting the number of the beast back in change, it was as if Lucifer himself forged that $10 dollar bill. Hail Satan!”

Kingley’s partner Amanda Glasston almost immediately noticed a change in her boyfriend’s mood since that day.

“I love seeing Devon so happy. He even hung the receipt on the fridge over a photo of us,” Glasston explained. “I think the last time I’ve seen him so pumped was when he spotted a used copy of Sodom’s ‘Agent Orange’ at the record shop down the street for only $4.20. He already had a copy, but he just thinks it’s cool to spot one in the wild for the price of the ‘marijuana number.’ Metalheads really are just simple folk. Unfortunately, he’s been trying to get $6.66 change ever since. He got close once with a $6.63 change amount but, according to him, it just wasn’t the same.”

Gas station manager Ron Brudunski noted several occasions where metalheads celebrated their “evil” change amounts.

“I’m not into the whole Satan or heavy metal thing myself, but it seems like every weekend I get hordes of them coming in and buying 40s and our pre-made sandwiches,” Brudunski explained. “But I’d rather have a million metalheads give me the horns or what-not because of their change than hear one more asshole say ‘$17.76? That was a pretty good year’ or some dumbshit like that. Some people still say, ‘No price. That means it’s free, right?’ Honestly, I’ll take metalheads over lame dudes any day.”

At press time, Kingsley’s mood was further improved after he spotted a Scottish Terrier that had a striking resemblance to Lemmy.

Calling Bullshit: This Guy Put One of Those “Bought It Before We Knew He Was Crazy” Bumper Stickers on His Cybertruck

By Dan Rice

Let’s all take a moment to play the world’s smallest violin for first-gen Tesla owners. On the one hand they were able to afford a Tesla between 2008 and 2018 so their life isn’t what you would call a struggle, but a lot of them sincerely thought they were doing a good thing. If you’re the type of asshole that can afford a luxury car you do get SOME points for buying one with a significantly reduced environmental impact, and that’s what they thought they were doing. Then, Elon Musk offset that collective eco-frendliness by launching one into space for no reason, and has gotten crazier by the day ever since.

It’s little wonder why so many Tesla owners wish to distance themselves from the Musk brand without sacrificing their beloved cars. That’s probably why anti-Musk bumper stickers have become so popular with among them. It’s a way to show the world that you had no idea what a dumpster-fire Musk was when you made your purchase so you can have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, we recently spotted a Tesla customer who seems to be exploiting the system.

Randall Hapkins is the 32-year -old owner of a Tesla Cybertruck featuring a bumper sticker that reads “Bought it before we knew how crazy he was.” Seriously dude? Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

The Cybertruck wasn’t even introduced to the world until 2019. You watched the same demo we all watched, saw Musk presenting that unyielding, PS1-graphics-come-to-life monstrosity saying “Look at how bulletproof this hunk of shit is!” and then effortlessly smashing it to hell with a baseball bat and shrugging. Are you trying to say your takeaway from that was “Wow, what a sane and cool man!”? We. Call. Bullshit.

Okay, let’s say you did. Maybe you happened to suffer a blow to the head and got dosed with salvia that day, whatever. The first Cybertrucks weren’t delivered until November of 2023 my guy. You had four years to cancel your order with a full refund on your deposit. You’re trying to tell us that in that entire time Musk didn’t do anything that raised an eyebrow for you? When he bought one of the world’s largest social media platforms to make it more anti-semite friendly you were like “That’s so sensible I might buy TWO Cybertrucks!”?

What exactly WAS the watershed moment for you? Like, were you on board all the way through him announcing his plan to illegally purchase votes for Trump, but then he jumped up and down revealing his midsection and that just broke the spell? You saw that pale, foie gras and fried songbird stuffed belly and finally realized “Woah, this guy might have a screw loose!”? Or is it just that you can only pretend you enjoy people pointing and laughing at your car everywhere you go for so long? Our money is on the latter pal.

It’s too late for you friend, no one’s welcoming you onto this bandwagon. You made your bed, now drive in it. At least until the next recall. It’s been a few months, we’re probably due for one.

Joe Biden Visited By Own Ghost

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden was reportedly startled late last night after he was unexpectedly visited by his own ghost, concerned aides confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I’m here with a dire warning about a crisis that will lead this country to ruin if you don’t make a change fast, but uh, I can’t quite remember what that message was,” said the Ghost of Joe Biden, appearing before his own corporeal form. “Don’t worry, it’ll come to me, it’s probably something about the economy. Or maybe it was some war, are we still in that kerfuffle with the Soviet Union? Well you know what they say, if it was really that important you wouldn’t forget. Wanna go get some ghastly ice cream?”

Despite being initially scared after seeing his own spirit appear to him, President Biden and his ghost have reportedly struck up a fast friendship.

“At first I thought my own ghost showing up was gonna be bad news, but I gotta say, Ghost Joe is a great hang. We went to Dave and Buster’s, shared some loaded nachos, and we even pranked Kamala by making it look like the nuclear football briefcase was floating across the room all by itself,” said Biden, redeeming arcade tickets for a pair of Nerf guns. “He seemed really stressed about something bad that was gonna happen to the country soon, so I’m glad we could take his mind off of it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, whatever it is, I still got another couple years as President to fix it.”

White House staffer Kevin Greene is concerned about how much time the two Presidents are spending together.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the President finally made a friend—but it’s just that we have all these judicial confirmations and bills he needs to sign before Trump takes office in January and they keep spilling root beer on the paperwork,” said Greene, picking up nerf darts strewn across the Oval Office. “Plus they keep trying to do the twin trick where they switch places for meetings he doesn’t want to go to. We almost had an international incident after Ghost Joe scared the shit out of Mohammed bin Salman.”

At press time, the Democratic National Committee was reportedly considering running Ghost Joe for President in the 2028 Election.

Gina Carano Cast as Snape in Harry Potter TV Series

BY Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — WB announced today that former MMA fighter and Star Wars actress Gina Carano has been cast in the role of Severus Snape for their upcoming Harry Potter TV series.

“It seemed like the perfect fit,” said casting director Michael Marshall, who has struggled to cast the show as JK Rowling’s transphobia turns actors away from the project. “Before Carano we had considered quite a few other actors but once they said no or told me to fuck off, I had to widen the search. In the end a Google search of transphobe + actor + out of work led me to Gina and we couldn’t be happier that she had space in her schedule for us.”

Carano, who was let go from a lucrative role in The Mandalorian that was meant to lead into a spin-off series about her character when she couldn’t stop posting transphobia and comparing treatment of Republicans to Jewish people during the Holocaust, didn’t have to give the offer much thought.

“When the call came through at first I was just amazed that the phone company hadn’t cut me off for unpaid bills,” said Carano during a break from filming a Daily Wire movie about Joseph Biden’s dog. “And then to be offered a real life TV show, I was like, Gina, you’re not eating cat food tonight!”

JK Rowling released a statement praising the casting choice and voicing her hopes for the show.

“There are over 700 characters in the Harry Potter novels,” wrote Rowling, who will executive produce the show and make at least one bullshit anti-Trans statement every day of its production. “And now that we’ve cast one of those characters, my hope is that other actors will follow. Ideally they won’t all be disgraced and shunned, but if that’s the way it goes, we’ll take whatever trash we can get and you Harry Potter loving idiots will eat whatever shit we put on your plate.”

The show will debut in 2026 with head of WB, David Zaslav planning to erase it and write it off for tax purposes by early 2027.