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Hard Digest December 11: Early Access Scrub Daddy, Local Businesses, Charity, and More

Added 2024-12-12 01:00:07 +0000 UTC

Makers of Scrub Daddy Release New “Scrub Sub” For Those Filthy, Dirty, Misbehaving Stains

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. — The makers of the Scrub Daddy recently introduced a new companion product, the “Scrub Sub,” which is meticulously designed to drink up the filthiest, naughtiest messes with pleasure.

“We realized that some people need to unleash a little aggression during cleaning. Unlike its smiley-faced counterpart, the Scrub Sub offers a submissive approach to grime, that really lets you unleash on stubborn stains,” Scrub Daddy marketing director Hannah Miller said while violently twisting the Scrub Sub in her hand. “There’s a satisfaction in dominating a sponge that doesn’t just clean but likes to get dirtier in the process. The Scrub Sub deserves to be governed. The Scrub Sub wants to be coated in the most disgusting fluids and thank you for it. It’s a sponge that’s here to take it, no matter how nasty things get.”

Not everyone, however, is on board with this spongy new product.

“Honestly, this is a bit much,” commented TikToker Darcy Simmons, a cleaning enthusiast and so-called “Sponge Influencer.” “Cleaning should be about the satisfaction of reaching a spotless result, not about indulging in the dirty. The Scrub Sub seems like a gimmick—what happened to just getting things clean without all this… subtext? They say once you grip the Scrub Sub, it will let you push it as hard and long as you need. Oh, wow, ok that’s kind of exhilarating. It starts off as a soft sponge but gets firmer the harder you scrub. I take back everything I said and am open for sponsorships.”

Experts believe that, in an era of repressed desires, the Scrub Sub is exactly what the cleaning world needs.

“In human development, people want to dominate their environment, but they don’t always get that opportunity,” Dr. Amanda Barnes, professor of Consumer Psychology at Franklin University explained. “Having a product like this sponge gives people a safe way to assert power over something. It allows them to release a side of themselves that wants to punish, especially over something that wants to yield to that punishment. The Scrub Sub is therapeutic for those pent up urges of, um, many types.”

As of press time, Scrub Daddy is still working on giving the Scrub Sub the ability to express a safe word for when things get too dirty.

How To Support Your Local Neighborhood Businesses Even Though They Are All Full of Shit Nobody Wants

By Rose Eden

The holidays are back once again and many feel the urgent community responsibility of purchasing their loved one’s gifts from local, neighborhood stores even though they are all basically full of shit that nobody wants. To make matters even tougher during a time when many of us are already financially struggling, most of the items are so overly marked up that shoppers are put in a “double bind” of paying higher prices for gifts they’re 98% sure their friends and family won’t even like.

With the understanding that a lot of local neighborhood shops are overblown vanity projects for rich kids, tax breaks for heirs, and a productive way for well-off retirees to spend their free time and 401K payouts, we here at The Hard Times understand that not all small business owners and retail buyers are exactly in touch, so to say, with their fingers on the pulse of what consumers actually want this holiday season. Therefore, we’ve put together a guide on how to actually support these small businesses, despite them being full of shit that nobody actually wants.

Remember the street cred you’ll receive:

Keep in mind that most of us are exhausted this time of year, so many utilize services like Amazon Prime or superstores like Target or Walmart to purchase gifts and have them delivered straight to their door hassle free. The fact that you picked out a crafty gift with a questionable level of taste at a local small business not only means that you physically went out shopping to hand select the item yourself, but you also paid approximately 40% more than anyone else because of the outrageous markups applied to the items. Once the gift is opened, however ugly, any and all who phoned in their gift by slapping a curly ribbon on a bottle of wine will bow their heads in shame for not making the extra effort.

Consider all the extra cardio you’ll get:

While shopping at local, neighborhood businesses, you might find yourself turning an item over in your hands while saying: “What the hell is this?” followed by: “They want how much for this?!” causing you to carefully place the item back down and slowly back away. The problem is, you may have to circle the store many times to find anything that’s even halfway decent to give as a gift. Often, you will have to visit several stores in vain just to end up returning to the initial establishment you started at, tumultuously deliberating between a stapler shaped like a dachshund and a vase resembling a woman’s rear end. This deliberation process will often burn hundreds of calories as you scour the dusty shelves of several shops in search of something… anything that isn’t so embarrassing to leave under the tree that the recipient doesn’t immediately assume it’s a gag gift.

Utilize the long, slow, wide-eyed nod:

When purchasing and/or handing over a gift that you know is kind of tacky or crappy, be sure to make eye contact with the cashier or recipient and do the long, slow, nod while saying, “It’s from a local business in my neighborhood, I’m sure they’ll/you’re going to love it! It’s important to support businesses that are local, especially these days, in this economy.” Everyone knows that all too familiar, loaded, and somewhat delusional nod as a cue to ask no further questions and accept the circumstance at hand. They will feel so awkward from being thoroughly guilt tripped, no comments will be made about how nobody really wants a t-shirt that says: “Oh Kale No!” They’ll pretend to love it, while discreetly checking to see if there’s a gift receipt somewhere in the packaging.

Stay within a budget, but do not correlate price to value:

In circumstances like these, it’s always good to be mindful of not going over budget, but do keep in mind that items found at local, neighborhood stores are rarely worth the asking price. If $20 is your gifting budget, for example, you probably won’t get more than a pair of socks with avocados on them, but that’s still way better than the $40 Golden Girls coaster set or a $70 dream catcher made by some girl who hangs at the neighborhood dive bar named Hannah. Consider it as a sort of parallel dimension where cost has absolutely no correlation to value and the more you spend, well, nobody really cares, but you’ll sleep well at night knowing you supported a local, neighborhood business.

Remember that regifting is always an option:

The holidays are a singular annual occasion, but always keep in mind that most individuals have to give several birthday presents and even white elephant gifts throughout the course of each year. Therefore, if they don’t care for the gift you’ve given them utilizing the long, slow, eye contact heavy nod, (see #3) they can always stash it away with the intention of regifting it to someone else. Who would have the nerve to ask where that tacky gift is that you got them last Christmas the next time they come over? They absolutely would not dare. They can then also use that same long, slow nod, explaining it’s from a local neighborhood business in order to guilt trip their friends and family into strained gratitude, which is especially effective for giving gifts to folks you don’t really care for, or want to be around.

Punk Charity Drive Raises 20,000 Loose Cigarettes for Families in Need

By Mac McCarthy

MOORPARK, Calif. — Local charitable punk Branden Shaffer helped raise an unprecedented number of individual cigarettes during a holiday donation drive, according to coughing sources.

“It’s great to see our community support each other,” said Shaffer, between drags. “There are already food banks and clothing drives for the needy, but who is going to provide our neighbors these forgotten tobacco essentials? We created Spare Smokes so those households blessed with a full pack can share with the less fortunate who need to bum one. Even if you can only spare a few loosies from that crushed pack in your pocket, that small act could change the lives of a struggling family with no source of nicotine until payday. And these 20,000 cigarettes will ensure that dozens of local families won’t have to worry about where their next puff will come from.”

One donor spoke from personal experience of the organization’s philanthropy.

“It wasn’t that long ago that I struggled with cigarette insecurity,” shared Clark Rivas, before dropping a handful of Marlboros into the drive’s donation bin. “But Spare Smokes was there for us in my family’s time of need. They made sure our home was filled with the haze and comforting smell of smoke during a holiday season when we couldn’t even afford to roll our own. But now that I’m back on my feet, I can buy a fresh pack every morning. It’s an honor to give back to my community, one American Spirit at a time.”

This often-unfulfilled need for nicotine has been studied by Alex Mora, an economist familiar with the cigarette drive.

“Have you seen the price of a pack of smokes lately?” Mora shouted, while gesturing that he needed to borrow a lighter. “It’s over ten bucks a pack at the gas station, even for the shitty ones! The average smoker spends several hundred dollars per month just to meet their basic needs. We’ve had reports of some families going days at a time without a single Parliament Light just to afford the rising costs of groceries, rent, and beer. With no government systems in place to assist with this basic necessity, many are dependent on the goodwill of their community to have any cigs at all. If only there was a Universal Basic Cigarette policy in place.”

At press time, Shaffer was seen trying to salvage what was left of the donated cigarettes after accidentally spilling a full beer into the collection bin.

Alleged McDonald’s Rat an Avid Where’s Waldo Player

BY Matt Fresh

ALTOONA, Pa. — The McDonald’s employee who is suspected of ratting out the killer of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson to the authorities was an avid player of Where’s Waldo, according to their coworkers.

According to the other employees of McDonald’s, the alleged rat, whose identity has not yet been disclosed to the public, would often be reading Where’s Waldo books during their lunch break.

“They would always be reading those books at lunch, getting really excited whenever they found Waldo,” said another employee of the McDonald’s who wished to remain anonymous. “Sometimes they’d be a little late coming back from break because they were just so into finding Waldo. And not just finding him, but announcing it to everyone. They’d get up and start shouting that they found Waldo, running around and pointing him out to every person who would listen. It was really troubling behavior but I never would have guessed it would lead to them becoming a rat.”

Psychologist Martin Van Nostrand says that it isn’t surprising to see such an avid player of Where’s Waldo end up becoming a rat.

“We’ve been studying the correlation between playing Where’s Waldo and real life snitching for years and all the research has shown us that there’s definitely a connection. Unlike something such as, let’s say, video games and violence, in which there’s been proven to be absolutely no direct correlation at all, playing Where’s Waldo enough is in fact linked to becoming a real life rat. It changes your brain chemistry. Your whole identity becomes enveloped by the need to find Waldo and point him out to everyone and when you go back to the real world and Waldo isn’t there, you end up getting your fix by finding other people to dime out for a dopamine hit. You’re no longer a person in a society helping out your fellow man, you’re a pod person helping the authoritative invasive species win.”

The revelation has sparked outrage online and a call to ban Where’s Waldo.

“Enough is enough and it’s time for a change,” wrote angry user Resist42069 on X – The Everything App. “It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone can just purchase this abhorrent material. We are creating a culture of snitching and birthing a generation of no good rats and it needs to stop. The fact that even kids buy these books and play along with them is disgusting. If we want to better society we need to ban these books for good and prevent anyone from ever again becoming a rat.”

At press time, many prominent figures have sent their thoughts and prayers to Luigi Mangione, the victim of this terrible ratting out.

Marvel Rivals Doesn’t Have Enough Hilarious Banter (Guest Column by Brian Michael Bendis)

BY Peter Cunis

Everybody knows that comic books are only popular because they have so much dialogue. It’s the one thing that separates them from all other storytelling mediums. When I started pitching comics to Marvel back in 1999, my opening was always “Take a Buffy the Vampire Slayer script, and for every line of dialogue, write thirteen more lines.”

As someone who’s played lots of Zork, I can safely say that games similarly live and die on words-per-minute. And so, I was not impressed with Marvel Rivals. Every conversation is three or four lines, tops! What a crock of shit!

Look, K-Town understood me when I explained this to him. When he first brought me in to consult on the MCU, I told him, “Make sure these characters never shut the fuck up.” He got it. These clowns in the gaming industry don’t.

Okay, let’s do a little Master Class on dialogue. We’ll take a conversation from Rivals and punch it up. Take this exchange between Hulk and Jeff the Land Shark.

Hulk: What is shark thing with feet?

Jeff: MRAAAAA!

Hulk: Ha! Hulk like shark thing!

Lame! Now, here’s a punched up version:

Hulk: What is, um…you know?

Jeff: What?

Hulk: What is shark thing?

Jeff: What is shark thing?

Hulk: Yeah, what is shark thing?

Jeff: Shark thing with what?

Hulk: With what?

Jeff: Yeah, shark thing with what? There’s more than one shark thing.