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Hard Digest December 10: Jay-Z, Hawk Tuah Coin, Early Access Criss Angel, Weezer, Nancy Pelosi, and More
Added 2024-12-11 01:00:05 +0000 UTCJay-Z Quietly Pays Luigi Mangione’s Court Fees to Express Gratitude for Dominating Media Attention
By Bill Conway
NEW YORK — Hip hop mogul Jay-Z discreetly paid off Luigi Mangione’s early court costs as a sign of appreciation to the suspected assassin for drawing all the media attention away from the fact he was being accused of raping a 13-year-old girl alongside Sean “Diddy” Combs, sources confirmed.
“Luigi is my dude. I needed a miracle to get my name out of the headlines and it was delivered to me in the form of an Italian guy who likes McDonald’s and gun violence. I hope one day I get to shake his hand in person to tell him how thankful I am,” said the 55-year-old musician. “I’m willing to pay for all his legal fees and the best lawyers in the world as long as he stays at the top of the news feed. Someone needs to publish his manifesto in full so everyone can discuss that and forget about all this nonsense about me. Or even better, maybe someone else can shoot another healthcare CEO, that would really make headlines. I’m just spitballing here.”
At press time, Jay-Z admitted he also made a sizable donation to the Syrian militants who toppled the Assad regime.
How to Tell Your Wife You Lost Your Kid’s College Fund On Hawk Tuah Coin
So, you got got. It’s okay, it happens to the best of us, and it’s all part of the game! Rug pulls by dishonest internet celebrities are just one of the risks we have to take to stay on the cutting edge of society. Unfortunately some people, such as your wife, may not see things that way. When she comes at you with unfair accusations like “you ruined my life” and hurtful personal attacks such as “you are the dumbest person to ever walk the earth and I’m embarrassed to be seen around you,” just remember these helpful tips:
First, make sure she understands that you only had the best intentions. Good intentions are famously so valuable you can even pave roads with them! All you wanted to do was give Treighden a little more padding for a comfortable college career. What’s wrong with that?
Now, though you already have a solid argument, this probably won’t work all on its own. Try appealing to her sense of financial logic next. Hawk Tuah is a huge hit, how could the cryptocurrency based on it not have been a moneymaker? She’d have probably done the same thing, if only she’d been paying attention. She has a 401k through her work after all, that’s basically crypto if you think about it.
This segues perfectly into the next tip: ask your wife what she’s been doing to grow the college fund. College is expensive, and your boy deserves the highest quality education money can buy. How could she have expected made-up things like “incremental saving” and “a trust fund” to cut it? Investment has always been where the real money is. Remind her about all the smart investing you did in GameStop, and the Cybertruck you were able to buy because of it. Why didn’t she care enough about your son to seek out her own investment opportunities? For claiming to care so much about his future, she’s really been ignoring the future of currency.
If none of this has worked, which is unlikely, it’s time to bring out old faithful: begging. Hands and knees, full-on sobbing, the whole deal. You know the drill by now. She can’t leave you, you only wanted what’s best for this family. She’s tearing this family apart, all because of one silly little mistake on your part. You’ll make it all back! Your startup is going to take off this year for sure!
With these pointers, you should be able to salvage your marriage at the mere cost of your dignity. And if you can’t, hey, at least you’ve got more than enough Dogecoin to pay for the divorce!
Criss Angel Able to Freak Minds Again Thanks to Hims
By Chris Bowen
LAS VEGAS — Professional magician and illusionist Criss Angel recently revealed he no longer suffers from mind-freak dysfunction ever since he started using the popular male-enhancement line of products known as Hims, gullible sources report.
“Ageing sucks. Getting old while being a magic sensation who is expected to go out and freak the minds of hundreds of people each night sucks even worse,” Angel explained while locking himself in a glass box for 40 consecutive days. “But with just seven easy compounded semaglutide injections per day, a couple finasteride minoxidil spurts, and a few sildenafil and tadalafil chewables, I never again have to worry about the embarrassment of my entire body getting flaccid in a straight jacket halfway through my act, or guessing the wrong card ever again! I feel as good as I did when I was starting out doing children’s birthday parties. Thank you, Hims!”
Superfan Rachel Daniels revealed that it feels like Angel has been freaking her mind for the first time again.
“For a while there, Criss would just get so frustrated at himself as he tried something as simple as a routine levitation trick. He would barely even lift off the ground, let alone for any satisfying amount of time,” Daniels said. “He would then spend the remaining 20 minutes of his show sitting at the end of the stage with his head in his hands, sobbing. But now, he can guess every number I’m thinking of until the early morning and I’ll tell you what, I haven’t been mind-freaked this hard since 2007!”
Todd Shulz, a representative from Hims feels fortunate to be behind a product that so often helps struggling illusionists.
“Imagine if Harry Houdini could have used our line of products? Who knows, maybe if he could have had a preliminary consultation, he wouldn’t have died from that fatal appendicitis trick he performed,” Shulz said. “Although some ‘magicians’ apparently like embarrassing their limp-dick selves and will turn down a multi-thousand dollar endorsement deal. Yeah, I’m looking at you, David Blaine. Going with BlueChew, huh? Have fun ever being a real man again while wearing your suit made of bees, loser.”
In related news, magician David Copperfield was able to tour again after beginning his treatment of Cialis.
Opinion: If Weezer Cared About Color Blind Folks Like Me, They Would’ve Found a Way To Let Me Know Which of Their Albums Were Good
I’ve never wanted any special treatment for being color blind, but I do appreciate the accommodations that society has provided to me that most chromatypicals take for granted. Minor things like mostly-standard stop light orientation, and major things like produce labels protecting unknowing taste buds from yucky green bell peppers both go a long way in helping people like me equitably navigate our lives, but I think more can still be done.
Like anyone else in their thirties pretending to be a carefree teenager in response to the growing promises of a bleaker tomorrow, I started listening to Weezer again, like nonstop. And I won’t lie, some of their work still holds up. It does, however, get tiring having to skip track after track just to find some of the good stuff when all of their albums have the same freaking title and literally look identical minus a different background color. How am I supposed to tell these apart?
Does Weezer just not care about the colorblind? Because finding ways of letting us know which of their albums suck isn’t exactly difficult.
I’ve seen the band donate signed guitars to charity and perform on benefit records—is it really too hard for them to spice up their album covers with different titles so I don’t have to sit through “Love is the Answer” again? Seriously, guys, Weezers II – XVII, or something—you know, like Zeppelin. Or does me being unable to properly run a litmus test in my chemistry lab without a partner not compare with the mission of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society?
I get it. Sometimes you want that consistency with the album artwork when you’re too afraid to take your sound in new and interesting directions, and I’m sure that helps fans know what they’re getting. But around 4.5% of the world’s population doesn’t know what they’re getting, and it’s like we don’t even matter to Rivers Cuomo. He could at least have the decency to wear a cowboy hat or something on the cover of one of these things, and I think he could totally pull it off, too!
I’ve even called half of their record labels, begging them to consider putting stickers on Weezer CDs with messages like “Warning: This is the One Where He Fetishizes About Half-Japanese Girls for Some Reason” on them. And every one of those assholes laughed at me, can you believe it?
Is this all part of Weezer’s plan to get roughly 350 million people worldwide to go to Target and unwittingly pick up what is known as the “Black album” by those with perfectly functional cone cells? Because I hope it’s not the case, and I do believe that they’ll come back to form with their next album.
And maybe it’ll be as good as the one where the four of them are standing on the cover, looking like a bunch of dorks. You know the one.
Latest Democratic Fundraiser Email Just Nancy Pelosi Asking For a Ride to the Airport
By Matt Husser
WASHINGTON — Democratic voters were left puzzled today after the party’s latest round of fundraising emails was just Nancy Pelosi asking if they could drive her to the airport, sources confirmed.
“Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office and the soul of our democracy is at stake. We need your help to fight back, but I can’t stop Trump if I can’t get a ride to the airport at 5 a.m. on Saturday. You failed Hillary Clinton. You failed Kamala Harris. Will you fail me too?” said Pelosi as she dictated the fundraising email. “Also, it would really help heal our fractured nation if you swung by Starbucks and picked up a decaf skim latte with a dash of cinnamon on your way to pick me up.”
Democratic voter Greg Leonard revealed that his inbox was completely flooded by requests from politicians begging for help with mundane tasks.
“I thought the Democratic fundraising emails would dry up once the election was over, but they’ve only gotten worse—this one is just a picture of a sobbing Chuck Schumer holding an allen wrench saying that he can’t protect democracy if I don’t help him put together this Vebjörn desk from IKEA,” said Leonard, scrolling through his inbox. “Then there’s this email from Biden asking me to help him move on January 20th, and oh great, look what just came in: ‘Greg! Hospice care for Jimmy Carter isn’t free. Will you step up?'”
Meanwhile the Trump campaign took a slightly different tactic with their own relentless fundraising email campaigns.
“ATTENTION! Will YOU visit Uncle Sam’s widow after the DEMONcrats murder him on live TV? Hillary Clinton has promised to shoot a bald eagle in the face, and we won’t be able to stop her if you don’t chip in seventeen dollars to the Trump campaign to save ‘UNCLE SAM the eagle,’” read the email, displayed in a red font resembling dripping blood. “Crooked Hillary is promising she will continue to execute an eagle every hour if you don’t pitch in to help TRUMP buy UNCLE SAM a bulletproof vest. And a commemorative gold-plated replica of Uncle Sam’s bulletproof vest can be yours for just $69.99!”
At press time, reports revealed a recent Libertarian Party email just reminded the recipient that they needed to tell them if they were a cop before they asked for a favor or it would be entrapment.
Ryan Murphy Lets Out Shriek of Pure Joy After Seeing How Hot Alleged CEO Killer Is
BY Jus Kaplan
LOS ANGELES — Famed Hollywood writer, director, and producer Ryan Murphy has reportedly yelped in a startling fit of ecstasy after seeing the sheer attractiveness of Luigi Mangione, the alleged killer of UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson, sources close to him confirm.
“I was in the hallway while Ryan was sitting in his office at his desk, silently scrolling through his Instagram feed of hot chiseled men like any typical workday afternoon,” said Murphy’s executive assistant Liam Tran. “But then all of a sudden, I was shook by the loudest effing noise I’ve ever heard Ryan make. Even louder than when he heard that Aaron Hernandez had lovers on the down low. Then he slammed open the door and said, ‘Liam, call my agent. It’s a miracle! The guy who offed that one CEO…he’s…hot!’”
Murphy says he’s since spent hours scribbling notes into his moleskine while looking at every photo currently available of Mangione.
“The casting options are just so tantalizingly divine. Social media is abuzz!” said the “Monster” creator. “Yes, I see why people are saying Dave Franco should play him, given those luscious eyebrows. But Luigi’s got a bit of Finn Wittrock in him too. Oh, and maybe some Max Greenfield! I wish I could cast every one of my cadre of sexy white leads simultaneously for this role. Maybe I’ll have them all play Luigi at different points in his life. He’s 26, so I could cast each of my favorites for about a one year span.”
A deluge of streaming executives have already reached out to Murphy promising blockbuster deals for the true crime series, which Murphy is referring to with the codename “Deny, Defend, Depose, Delicious.”
“We all saw what he raked in for Netflix with that series about the Menéndez brothers, who were good looking, sure, but not nearly as studly as Luigi, in my professional opinion,” said a Hulu executive who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “And let’s not forget that Ryan somehow managed to turn Jeffery Dahmer, a literal freaking monster of a human being, into a beloved darling of true crime fanatics.”
“Now just imagine what he can do with this steamy Italian American shooter! Especially since so much of America is seemingly on his side already. We’re talking Tiger King meets Squid Game meets the goddamn Super Bowl level ratings!”
At press time, Murphy was deciding exactly how he was going to make the CEO into a convoluted metaphor for something everyone already understands.
Elon Musk Vows to Eliminate 75% of All Pokémon
AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk, who recently revealed his desire to found a video game publishing company, promised to eliminate over 700 Pokémon species in a late-night series of memes and rants to his micro-blogging platform X.
“There is so much inefficiency in the Pokédex. So much waste,” said Musk, after sharing an image macro claiming that the decline of the West can be tied directly to the debut of Vanillite. “So many people think that they can fill the hole inside of them with these freakish creatures, but those little monsters are not people. The only way you can fill that void is by producing offspring, who can work in my factories and pay for verified X accounts.”
X user Brian Garnett expressed reservations about Musk’s proclamation, but said that he wasn’t ready to abandon the entrepreneur.
“I don’t like that he’s basically doxxing these Pokémon,” said Garnett. “Like, imagine you’re just a Dedenne trying to go about your day, when suddenly the most influential man in the world calls you ‘they/them Pikachu’ and tells everyone you live on Kalos Route 11. It would be terrifying. On the other hand, I don’t think he’s wrong about everything: GameFreak should be run like a business.”
Gaming pundit Finn Talliver speculated about Musk’s actual impact on the industry.
“Let’s be clear: he has no actual power,” said Talliver. “These aren’t changes he can make. It’s all empty promises, just like Full Self-Driving, the Tesla Bot, and starting a colony on Mars. He’s really good at talking about things he hasn’t done and couldn’t ever do, like being the best ‘Diablo IV’ player in the world. We remember what his ‘Elden Ring’ build looked like when he wasn’t paying people to play the game for him.”
At press time, some commentators speculated that Musk had touched gaming’s “third rail” by threatening to cut funding for ‘Half-Life 3.’
Warner Bros. CEO Found Dead on Street Under Anvil With “That’s All, Folks!” Written on It
NEW YORK — Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav has been found dead on the street, under an anvil with the phrase “That’s all, folks!” written on it.
“I say, I say, this wasn’t a random act of cartoon violence—we believe it was a targeted attack,” said Police Chief Foghorn Leghorn. “Looky here, son, the trap was baited to specifically attract Zaslav, using a pile of film reels and a sign that read ‘Free Tax Write-Offs.’ That’s called knowing your target, do ya understand, son?”
Coroner Peter Lorre described the victim’s injuries as typical of this kind of incident.
“First responders reported seeing small stars circling the victim’s head,” Lorre said. “On closer examination, we discovered he had suffered severe compression into an accordion shape. Paramedics tried to resuscitate him, but ceased their efforts when they saw a winged, translucent form holding a harp rise out of his body and get out one last quip as he ascended into the clouds.”
The identity of the killer remains unknown, but witnesses describe a haggard, dog-like creature wearing a #ReleaseCoyotevsAcme hoodie.
“After the attack, I saw him strap on a pair of rocket skates and zoom off into a tunnel painted on a wall,” reported one witness. “The police tried to follow him in, but smacked right into the wall. Even worse, a bunch of them were also wearing rocket skates, and a couple launched themselves out of giant slingshots, so they really got pancaked. This is exactly why we shouldn’t be letting police use taxpayer funds to purchase cartoon-grade equipment.”
With the suspect still at large, police are advising other CEOs to carry tiny umbrellas for protection.
