thehardtimes

Hard Digest December 9: CEO Shooter, Early Access Joanna Newsom, Stryper, Project 2025, and More

Added 2024-12-10 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Altoona McDonald’s 1-Star Reviews Shift From Complaints About Food to Complaints About Employees Being Class Traitors

ALTOONA, Pa. — A wave of 1-star Google reviews flooded a local McDonald’s location after an employee ratted out the suspected killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson earlier today, outraged sources confirmed.

“I do my best to monitor our reviews because my bonus depends largely on customer satisfaction metrics, and it’s looking like I’m screwed this year. Corporate is going to have my ass,” said McDonald’s General Manage Grace Winston. “Usually these reviews are about how bad the food was, or how long someone spent on the toilet after eating here. I can usually get people to delete them by offering up a few McFlurry coupons, but this is different. The reviews today are all about how one of my employees turned their back on the working class and that they should be ashamed of themselves for getting an American hero arrested. I actually agree with most of the people leaving reviews, my husband had a claim denied last year and we are paying over $60 thousand out of pocket because of corporate greed. So the employee who did this is on bathroom duty for the remainder of the time they work here, please come and ruin our toilets to teach them a lesson.”

At press time, the McDonald’s location desperately tried to restore good standing by announcing they will bring the McRib back.

Joanna Newsom Announces New Album Will Be Ready Just as Soon as Andy Samberg Finishes Adding Comedy Rap Verses to Every Song

By Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed folk musician Joanna Newsom recently announced that the long-awaited follow-up to her most recent studio album was nearing completion, pending the addition of comedic rap verses from her husband, actor and Lonely Island member, Andy Samberg.

“I understand my near-decade-long hiatus from recording has been difficult for devotees of immersive, mystical Americana, rich with compositional wonder but grounded by a human longing for meaning and connection,” said Newsom. “And I thank them for their patience as my beloved husband completes and records his uproarious yet insightful rap verses about topics including, but not limited to, getting pink eye because his best friend farted on his pillow, the Times Square Olive Garden, and how guys who are 5’10” are the short guys of tall guys. I trust they too will recognize the beauty of our shared artistic journey.”

Corinne Vogt, a fan of Newsom’s since seeing her at Bonnaroo in 2005, expressed confusion but cautious optimism about this change in direction.

“I was rather bewildered at first. And to be honest, I still kind of am,” Vogt said. “But I didn’t get a back tattoo of the ‘Ys’ artwork or name my children Emily and Esme because I have any doubts about her genius. And at worst, it’ll surely be a tapestry of emotions that absorbs my soul with a precise but patient grace. Oh, and I hope one of them sounds like ‘I’m on a Boat.’ I still know every word of that one. If not, I’d settle for a ‘Threw It on the Ground’ reference.”

Samberg has also spoken about the project, comparing it to his songwriting experiences with his longtime Lonely Island collaborators, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer.

“Jorma, Akiva, and I, we definitely do our best to make comedy hip-hop ideal for slotting into your playlist for when you wanna feel like you’re in college in 2009,” Samberg said. “But as meticulous as I was in the creation of ferocious bangers like ‘Dick in a Box’ and ‘Spring Break Anthem,’ figuring out how to align the impish manchild charm of my musical persona with my amazing wife’s enchanting harp glissandos has been an incredible but rewarding challenge that has reminded me why I fell in love with this art – and her – all over again.”

At press time, Newsom announced the album would also include a 15-minute expansion of her “most enduring” composition, “The Muppet Show Theme.”

Joke’s on Us! We Sat Down With Stryper to Interview Them Ironically and They Ended Up Converting Us to Christianity

By Steve Packosky

When we came upon the opportunity to interview Michael Sweet of the notorious Christian hair metal band Stryper, we all had a good laugh. Soon “Wouldn’t it be funny if we actually did that” evolved into “Fuck it, I’m responding!” and before we knew it we were all set for and scheduled for a completely ironic one-on-one. We felt cool, we felt above it all, and we were positive that this was going to be hilarious!

Unfortunately, that’s not how it ended up, because Christ works in mysterious ways yo. The interview resulted in us looking inward and making some pretty dope life changes. Check out our journey.

The Hard Times: Hey, Michael! We’re huuuuge fans of your music, so it’s super nice to meet you! How are you?

Michael Sweet: That’s awesome to hear! I’m doing great! How are you guys?

Oh, we’re fantastic! [snickering] Even better since we heard your new album “When We Were Kings.” It’s soooooo metal!

Oh, even after all these years it’s still amazing to hear when people like your music. It’s all I could’ve asked for, so thank you.

Yeah, [stifling laughter], Stryper is right up there with Judas Priest and Celtic Frost as one of the greats of eighties metal. You must hear that allll the time!

Heh, I don’t know about that, but I appreciate it. I’m just trying to spread His word through the language I know best, which is music. You know, I was completely lost before I was saved.

How so?

Oh, I was just wandering, you feel me? I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I used to approach everything with a smart-alecky attitude and make a lot of snide comments, but I think I was using humor as a defense mechanism because I was so aimless and angry at myself all the time.

[shifting uncomfortably] Yeah?

It wasn’t until I became Born Again that I realized my true potential and self-worth. I can’t tell you how unbelievable it felt to suddenly know I had a purpose in life.

And just like that, you didn’t feel so lost anymore?

[smiling] Just like that.

Wow, that actually sounds very nice. Too bad that’s not really an option for someone like me, a sinner.

She takes all kinds, friend. Tell you what, I’m heading to church just after this interview. You guys want to join me?

Eh… I don’t know man.

My church loves guests! Plus there are baked goods at the reception hour and the lemon bars are to die for!

Oh fuck, we love lemon bars!

There you have it. Those lemon bars were indeed incredible, but they led to something far sweeter—our eternal salvation. It’s certainly not how we expected the interview to end, but we’ve since been washed in the Blood of the Lamb, so it looks like this website is going to be a little less crass and low-brow going forward. Now we have to go back and rework all of the questions we’d prepared for our upcoming interview with Kevin Sorbo. He’s sort of like their Danzig.

Revised Project 2025 Memo Reveals Only Approved Birth Control “Watching Old Man Tongue Down an Ice Cream Cone”

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — A newly leaked Project 2025 memo revealed a recent revision that would restrict nearly all forms of birth control, with the only approved Godly exception being “watching an old man vigorously tongue down an ice cream cone,” sources confirmed.

“The Bible is explicitly clear about all forms of contraception being a sin, with one notable exception where a senior male member of the community is present while you attempt intercourse. He’ll then proceed to go biblical on an ice cream cone with his dry, swollen tongue, and if after witnessing this creamy tongue lashing you still wish to procreate, you have the Lord’s blessing to create new life,” said Project 2025 architect Russell Vought. “We used to keep a picture of my hero Henry Kissinger tongue-punching a froyo above our marital bed to keep us chaste, but nine kids later, well let’s just say he’s not the only one regularly orchestrating occupations where he’s not wanted.”

Local priest Bernard McCaffrey reportedly supports the near-total birth control ban, and reaffirmed his church’s commitment to the “Ice Cream Cone Exemption.”

“We understand that carnal temptation is a struggle for many young people, but our clergy is always here to help. If you don’t have access to an old man sloppily licking a vanilla ice cream cone while a little bit dribbles down his wrinkled chin, our congregation has numerous volunteers that are happy to provide assistance for your abstinence needs,” said McCaffrey, wiping rocky road from his jowls. “If I can stop just one young couple from engaging in premarital sin by looming over their bed while taking a half-melted drumstick to tongue town, I know I’ll have done my holy duty.”

Religious scholar Clarence Goodwright claimed that elder community members eating messy foods as a form of birth control has precedence in the Bible.

“You ever wonder why Adam and Eve spent all that time in the Garden of Eden and never copulated? There was a third old guy, Maurice, that was always hanging around. Of course ice cream wasn’t around at that time, but the texts would suggest that he’d just lick whipped honey off an apple all day to keep them from fornicating,” said Goodwright, blowing dust off an old parchment. “Turns out Maurice must have been the most legendary tongue merchant this side of Solomon and his 700 wives because he made that apple look too good, and Adam proceeded to take a whole darn bite and doom us for all eternity.”

At press time, Project 2025 released plans that would require a priest licking raspberry jam out of a jar present for any discussion between a woman and their healthcare provider about reproductive health.

Man Excitedly Downloading Wrong Call of Duty

BY Matt Saincome

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Social worker Jeff Phillips was seen excited downloading Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III (2023)” despite the fact that all of his boys had moved on to this year’s release, sources confirm.

“I’m so glad that the series is on Game Pass now,” said Phillips, who noted that he had been drifting from his friend group because he was the only person who hadn’t purchased the last Call of Duty title last year. “The group chat wouldn’t shut up about Modern Warfare III, and I made some comment about how I wasn’t gonna pay $70 for a game. Everyone jumped down my throat about it, so obviously I had to double down and stick to my guns. It was pretty alienating, but now I can finally have fun with everyone. I may have had to delete all of the old home movies I told my mom I would digitize for her in order to clear the 100 gigabytes I needed to install the game, but soon, it will all be worth it.”

Phillips’ friend Alan Costa was skeptical when he heard the news.

“I love Jeff, but he’s kind of a dumbass,” said Costa. “I don’t mean he’s stupid or anything, he’s just kind of a mess in his personal life. He’s always going to the wrong movie theater or restaurant, and he never seems to get the right version of whatever game we’re playing. Hell, he was the best man at my wedding, which we had to delay for forty-five minutes because he went to the wrong venue. I’d love to play CoD with him, but I’m not expecting a miracle.”

Sociology professor Brendan Narue noted how yearly releases of popular video games have contributed to the epidemic of male loneliness.

“It’s just hard for these young men to form connections when they’re not even sure where the fellas will be,” said Narue. “If a millennial guy suggests that the boys should get back into ‘Diablo,’ that might mean a different thing to every bud who hears it. One might think that they should just log back into ‘Diablo III,’ which they played most recently. Another might interpret the statement as saying they should buy ‘Diablo II: Resurrected,’ which more closely emulates the experience they had when their fraternal bonds were first forming. Unfortunately for them, the dude probably wanted to try out ‘Diablo IV,’ the most recent title in the series. This sort of confusion is ultimately destroying society.”

At press time, Phillips was seen forcing himself to play through the game’s entire campaign so that he could “get a feel for the controls.”

Fedora Guy Upstaged by Kilt Guy

BY Mike Moran

REHOBETH BEACH, Del. — A prominent “fedora guy” was apparently demoted in popularity in favor of a new “kilt guy,” at last week’s annual Bit Con gathering, bitter sources confirm.

“I’m absolutely stunned and disturbed by this desperate, narcissistic, display,” said self-proclaimed fedora guy, Andrew Carman. “I’ve been wearing my fedora to Bit Con since like before rumble packs, and then some clown who I assume must be obsessed with me, shows up in a kilt? What’s he trying to prove? Some people have a pathetic sense of identity.”

Denying Carman’s allegations of attention seeking behavior, “kilt guy” Ivan Kuznetsov was quick to defend his actions.

“Can’t a guy visually express pride in the cultural heritage of many of his favorite fictional characters without being judged? I mean, my Warcraft character came to this planet on a very long steampunk ship voyage many years in the future in search of freedom, not crotch shelfs,” Kuznetsov said, as two cute gamer girls polished his PS3 controller for him before handing him another peeled chicken tender. “I mean bro, what’s up with the fedora, anyway? Do you even croon?”

Bit Con founder Stephanie Sultor commented on the incident.

“This kind of male ego toxicity is simply not what Bit Con is all about,” said Sultor. “Unfortunately, it’s usually about women being harassed, so this is really kind of a welcomed change. We’re thinking of hosting a ‘most annoying outfit’ contest next year, just to encourage this sort of thing.”

Carman and Kuznetsov responded with indignity and dismissiveness after a rumored “actual live snake guy” was said to be attending next year’s event.