Hard Digest November 30: Early Access Scott's Bass Lessons, Columbia House, Five Finger Death Punch, and More

Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota Corolla

By Robert John Scucci 

LONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how to shove a refrigerator-sized Ampeg SVT 8×10 speaker cabinet into the back of a 1994 Toyota Corolla, enthusiastic tone-chasing bottom-feeders confirmed.

“In this class, we’ll run you through the best practices on how to forcibly insert an unnecessarily large speaker into your economy sedan like many of the greats who have done so in the past,” said Devine while nonchalantly drilling an ascending harmonic minor scale with an incredibly complex double thumping technique which can be further unpacked through the 14-day free trial to his extensive and ever-growing catalog of courses. “We’ll go through the pros and cons of bringing wildly impractical equipment to bar gigs that have 12 patrons attending, and how to do it with verve, enthusiasm, and the love for the game.”

Avid bass player and casual gigger Michel Arnold has his doubts about the efficacy of Devine’s new online tutorial.

“I don’t know. I drive a Ford Windstar, which is way bigger than a Corolla, and I even have difficulties lugging my Ampeg around. I’m your classic soccer dad with plenty of cargo space, but I can’t even get to the gig unless I take out all of the seats and slap some ratchet straps down. Otherwise, the thing just slides around, smacking into the windows and causing a ruckus,” Arnold proclaimed while pricing Mark Bass combo amps at Guitar Center. “But one thing I know for certain, chicks love when you roll out with the big boy, so I’m all ears at this point.”

Ian Martin Allison, Devine’s right-hand man, urges bassists to approach the masterclass with guarded enthusiasm.

“I’ve said this time and time again. Just like two-handed tapping on an MTD custom 6-string, yeeting an Ampeg 8×10 into the back of your car isn’t for everyone,” Allison stated while adjusting his hat in the reflection of the pickup cover on his Marcus Miller signature Jazz Bass. “We’ll unpack how to distribute the weight over the load-bearing capacity of each respective axle, so you can not only travel safely, but also wield an imposing amount of low-end that won’t even make it to the front-of-house mix anyway. But hey–if you’re too intimidated by our prowess, we don’t blame you a bit for simply buying a larger car.”

At press time, Devine was spotted using his new custom-built Fodera as a coffee table.

Hold Up! If Columbia House Went Out Of Business 10 Years Ago, Who Keeps Mailing Me These Melissa Etheridge CDs?

By Kyle Donley 

I’ve always been a reasonable guy. I don’t believe in supernatural forces or little green aliens. But some things just can’t be explained. The deepest mystery of the world might be the fact I keep getting random Melissa Etheridge CDs mailed to my home once a month like clockwork.

I’m no stranger to getting CDs in the mail, I signed up for Columbia House with my mom’s credit card when I was just 13 years old and got all the Jerky Boys albums for 10 cents. It fucking ruled. I was a god in middle school. I even got my first handjob to “Sparky the Clown.” After a couple years, I owned every crude comedy CD known to man, along with a bunch of other cool shit like the Spawn soundtrack and Jock Jams Vol. 2. But then I got an iPod.

As I got older I grew wiser and realized that Columbia House deal wasn’t as sweet as it seemed. I looked into canceling my subscription but the Columbia House legalese was ironclad. Ultimately, it just made more sense to let them charge my mom every month to send me a Melissa Etheridge CD. It has remained the only constant in my adult life, outlasting marriages, pets, and even my poor mother in the end.

This is all despite the fact that Columbia House discontinued its mail-order business in 2009.

I have 238 Melissa Etheridge CDs. I’ve dedicated an entire closet to them. No one is allowed inside my Melissa Etheridge closet except for me. All of the CDs are unique. Different artwork, different songs, all Melissa Etheridge. For years, I considered her to be the most prolific musician of our parlance. It was not until recently that I realized none of these CDs technically exist according to Discogs.

Every road leads to nowhere. Melissa has not replied to any of my cries for help on social media and I’ve since been banned by every Melissa Etheridge Facebook fan page I could find. I’ve written a letter to the Postmaster General each day for the past year to get answers, and still nothing. I thought maybe the Qanon people could help, perhaps Columbia House and the deep state are in cahoots? But they all called me crazy.

Resigned, I sit back in my recliner and put on “Barstow Boogie, Vol. 1,” awaiting for the cruel grip of Winter to present me with Vol. 2.

Local Cops Battle for Night Off to Attend Upcoming Five Finger Death Punch Concert

By Ryan Danley 

TALLAHASSEE, Tenn. — The Tallahassee Police Department is in chaos due to nearly every officer requesting time off to attend an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch concert, leaving leadership scrambling to cover shifts.

“Look, I don’t just want the night off–I deserve it. I’m a Death Punch Super Fan! If I’m not able to unleash on random people in the pit then I can’t be held responsible if I get a little rough with a shoplifter. That’s the trade-off,” said Officer Chad Rollins who says he’s been faithfully following the band since 2007. “Plus, I’ve got the most time in the field, and it’s not like I’ve ever abused my paid leave. I mean, I’ve only had six officer-involved shootings. Some guys hit double digits and don’t even blink. But me? Just six. I think I’ve been very professional.”

The wave of time-off requests has left Staff Sergeant Michelle Carter in a tight spot, who says coordinating the schedule this week has been the hardest logistical nightmare of her career.

“The last time it was this bad, I had to pull strings to get everyone into anger management the same day. And let’s just say that didn’t go smoothly,” Sergeant Carter sighed. “If I granted the night off to everyone who requested it then this entire city would be operating with less than six police officers for the entire night. I have no idea how we’re supposed to manage any real public safety concerns. Except for, you know, a great many of the public feeling safer without the cops around. We try not to talk much about that.”

To complicate matters further, Five Finger Death Punch’s own stage manager weighed in on the situation when he heard about the dilemma.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised cops want in on the action, this is basically pig heaven,” said Frank “Hammer” Dawson, who’s been on the road with the band for over a decade. “We see so much brawling at these shows, it’s practically a contact sport. Fights, pits, the occasional thrown chair—it’s just a typical Friday night at a cop’s house. Hell, sometimes it’s so intense that local cops come in for crowd control and wind up sticking around as fans. Florida seems to really be into that kinda shit.”

As of press time, Officer Rollins was too busy singing Kid Rock at the top of his lungs to hear a follow-up question.

King of Hyrule Wishes Ganondorf Well, Promises Peaceful Transfer of Power

BY Kyle Duggan 

HYRULE CASTLE — Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, the recently deposed King of Hyrule, expressed his desire for the usurper Ganondorf to usher the kingdom into an age of prosperity while promising to offer no resistance to the incoming ruler’s ascent to power.

“First of all, I’d like to wish Ganondorf congratulations on conquering the kingdom and overthrowing me,” said King Daphnes. “We’re looking forward to a smooth transition. Regardless of the times that I called him the King of Thieves, said he had the morals of an alley-remlit, or claimed that he would plunge our land into eternal darkness should he take the throne, I think he means well and hope that he will do a good job as our head of state.”

Sage of Earth and vocal Daphnes supporter Laruto expressed her disapproval of Ganondorf.

“We may have lost the battle, but we will not lose the war,” said the Zora sage, despite previously writing that the ascendency of Ganondorf would mean, “the end of Hyrule as we know it.” “We just have to keep fighting. They don’t realize how strong we are when we work together. Please, consider donating a few rupees to my new PAC, Tri-RESIST. I promise to keep a vigilant watch over our kingdom until a hero arises.”

Sturgeon, a scholar and political analyst from Outset Mountain, listed the reasons that he thought Ganondorf’s efforts proved successful. 

“Daphnes focused too much on cultural issues, like protecting the rights of Zora who are covered and feathers and prefer flying to swimming,” said Sturgeon. “Also, no one bought into that climate change hoax he kept talking about. Obviously, the sea isn’t going to suddenly rise. On the other hand, Ganondorf focused on pocketbook issues that matter deeply to Hylians, like the price of Hyoi Pears and the internment of girls with pointed ears. His message really struck a chord with the median Bokoblin voter, who felt abandoned by the Royal Family.”

At press time, Ganondorf had ordered the immediate execution of King Daphnes and all of Hyrule’s sages.