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Hard Digest November 29: Early Access Iron & Wine, Marathons, Patriotism, and More
Added 2024-11-30 01:00:07 +0000 UTCIron & Wine Fan Visibly Winded After Hearing Song at 100BPM
By Shane Pauker
PHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.
“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what this rock and roll sound, was all about,” Bennet explained while frequently gasping for air mid-recovery. “Then everything started rushing. It was like lightning, at a hundred beats per minute. So much all at once: not just one instrument, but two, then three, then even four. I’m used to Iron & Wine singing and playing guitar at the same time — I’m even okay with him playing more than one string at once, if he has to — but this was a full-body experience that I’m not ready for yet.”
“I was surprised that anybody could have such a strong emotional reaction to ‘She Will Be Loved,’” O’Neil admitted. “He praised Terry Gross’s rapid-fire delivery after an episode of ‘Fresh Air’ finished up on the radio, so I figured I’d switch to music and keep the energy firmly moderate. Kyle told me he would be chill with it. He was drenched in sweat, panting, and crying a little by the time the song was over. He wasn’t just moved by Maroon 5’s lyrics; he was visibly spent by the tempo. I have no idea how to respond to this.”
Ross Trench, a personal trainer specializing in helping clients prevent tempo-related fatigue, wants to help train Bennet to listen to faster music.
“I’ve seen dozens of wimpy folk fans get stuck in a rut of slow-paced, frail music, but I believe that anyone can work their way up to hearing faster stuff without breaking a sweat,” Trench noted. “Take this dweeb Kyle, for example. If you start him up with Iron & Wine in his listening routine, you can slowly work his way up by having him listen to Punch Brothers for endurance, with weekly Dead Kennedys sprints to cross-train. He can increase base BPM 10% per week to avoid speed-related injuries. As long as he stays consistent, he’ll be able to listen to the original version of ‘Such Great Heights’ instead of the Iron & Wine cover in no time.”
At press time, O’Neill was preparing an emergency kit for Bennet’s next live music event, including an inhaler, water bottle, and First Aid Kit CD.
Quiz: Do You Want To Run a Marathon or Do You Want Your Friends To Pay Attention to You?
You’re starting to feel adrift. What do you want to do with your life? Should you start a podcast? It seems like everyone in your life is running a marathon. Should you run a marathon? Would that fix everything? Or do you just want your friends to pay attention to you? Take this simple quiz to find out!
A marathon is a lot of running. When was the last time you ran?
A) Last week I went on a run to clear my head! It was nice.
B)Running? I ran to catch a bus eight years ago I think and when I got on the bus I was so winded I puked and the bus driver tried to fight me.
What does a perfect Saturday morning look like to you?
A) Wake up, drink some coffee, then head out on an 11-mile run!
B) Wake up, brunch with my friends… or seeing my friends in any capacity. I wonder if they remember I exist. I wish one of them would text me. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I have this haunting feeling they are hanging out without me and making fun of my weird laugh.
What’s your favorite part of running?
A) Getting outside, stretching my body, pushing my body to its limits! What’s not to love?
B) Posting my run on Instagram so my friends can know that I run!!!!!
When was the last time you and your friends had a meaningful chat?
A)Last week! Thomas called me while I was running and we had the best talk! I ran two miles extra since we were having a great time.
B) Months! I wish they would pay attention to me. I even posted “deleting Instagram for a while because I need space,” but even then, no one reached out! Then I posted a story saying “You’re all going to miss me when I’m gone” and the only reaction I got was the laughing emoji from an old coworker.
You get lost in the woods on your run, what do you do?
A) Keep running! I’ll eventually find a way out of here.
B)Text my friends, “Guys, you’ll never guess what just happened on my run! Oh yeah, I run.”
What’s your favorite color?
A) Green! Reminds me of all the beautiful trees I see when I’m out running!
B) What does this have to do with anything? I guess purple?
Favorite type of music?
A) Anything I can run to! I love running!!!
B) Ska
Results:
Mostly As
You should run a marathon! It’s a fun way to test the limits of your body and work towards a goal. You’re doing it for yourself, and you will be rewarded.
Mostly Bs
You just want your friends to pay attention to you, and your desperation is offputting to everyone around you. Running a marathon won’t change that buddy! Try having a kid, going through a public divorce, or just picking up your phone and calling your friend. It’s literally not that hard.
Patriotic Nu Metal Fan Does It for the Nookie and Country
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local nu metal fan, and proud American, Gary Buski says everything he does in life is in pursuit of nookie and to enrich the United States of America, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I see this nu metal resurgence and I think it’s great a new generation is getting exposed to real music, and not the bubble gum pop bullshit mainstream radio stations try to shove down your throat. But these kids need to know that our freedom to get nookie is only granted to us because we live in the greatest country in the world,” said Buski while taking the bus to his court-ordered anger management class. “The first thing I do every morning is listen to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ followed by a pledge of allegiance to the flag. After that I go down to the military recruitment center and blast a mix CD of nu metal favorites to get people hyped to serve. It’s just my small way of giving back to this country that has given me so much.”
Jerry “Worm” Cappilo, a lifelong friend, says Buski seems to have been born with a love of nu metal and America.
“I can remember when we were in middle school and Jerry dreamed of serving in Iraq so he could blast Disturbed from his Humvee and blow people’s brains out. Unfortunately, he completely failed the psych test and they didn’t let him join the Army. But that didn’t dull his love for America, if anything it made him an even bigger cheerleader,” said Cappilo. “I remember we went to see Coal Chamber in like 2011. Gary was the only one there with a giant American flag sewn onto one of the legs of his JNCOs. People were a bit freaked out, but that didn’t bother him at all.”
Former President Trump admitted he is actively courting the patriotic nu metal vote.
“I love those little freaks. Why do you think I carry Kid Rock around with me? The guy smells terrible, one of the worst smells you can imagine, but people love him. Not as much as they love me, I could probably write a hard rock album and people would come up to me and say ‘Mr. Trump you rock so hard, I didn’t know it was possible to rock this hard,’” said Trump after being asked about the economy. “If I’m reelected I will bring back Ozzfest, I will bring back the Family Values Tour, you are going to have so many touring nu metal bands you are going to be sick from all the nu metal. And that’s good for steel workers too.”
At press time, Buski announced he had written a nu metal version of ‘Hamilton’ that he plans on performing at the Jacksonville Arts Center sometime next year.
JNCO Stock Prices Plummet Following Sick New World Cancelation Announcement
LOS ANGELES — Popular clothing manufacturer JNCO announced a steep drop in their stock price following the sudden announcement that the 2025 addition of Sick New World was being canceled, sources confirmed.
“This is a devastating blow to our bottom line. But I want shareholders to know we are doing our best to get our oversized pants on everyone nostalgic for the late ’90s nu-metal boom,” said JNCO CEO Andrew Jacovou. “We should have seen this coming. Our financial forecast put too much emphasis on the strength of sales we would see before Sick New World, unfortunately Live Nation and their service fees make attending festivals nearly impossible. If they didn’t have such exorbitant extra costs associated with each ticket, the average consumer could be an additional ten pairs of our quality jeans.”
This is a developing story and will be updated.
Nintendo Files Patent That Prohibits People From Developing Video Games
GENEVA — After recent events across the video game industry, Nintendo has decided enough is enough. A representative from the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) has reported that Nintendo has decided to file a patent for the development of any video game.
“Of course this is very legal. We make the best games ever according to everyone in the world. It’s only fair that we get a cut of every single game that comes out for now on,” said Eric Brady, the head of legal council for Nintendo America in a statement on the legitimacy of this patent.
The parent in question lists details of what they consider covered under Nintendo’s intellectual property.
Any game with a main character.
Any game that uses buttons to play.
Any game that requires a power source to play.
Any game that requires code to create.
WIPO representative Alfred Nilsson was asked by reporters if this patent was enforceable and gave the following response.
“Oh absolutely,” Nilsson said, wearing a tie with a Triforce on it. “Have you played Tears of the Kingdom? Anyone that makes a game like that deserves to be the ruler of all gaming.”
Consumers appear to be mixed on the issue. Taking to social media to share their thoughts.
“I just think it’s unfair that someone could make a better Pokémon game than GameFreak,” wrote user TrainerRizz on the Nintendo subreddit. “They should have applied to GameFreak to help make their game better. I hear a lot of people saying this patent is insane and bad for gaming but the best thing for gaming is to let Nintendo do whatever they want, they make Mario and Zelda after all and that’s so much more important than anything else in the industry.”
At press time, the WIPO has stated that they expect to notarize this patent the day before the official ruling of Nintendo’s lawsuit against Pocketpair.
Thanksgiving Saved From Racist Tirade After Cousin Mentions Yellowstone
BY Matt Fresh
CLEVELAND — The Clark family’s Thanksgiving dinner was rescued from a potential racist tirade by family patriarch Phillip after the Paramount series Yellowstone was brought up by cousin Jeffrey thereby diffusing the situation.
“It was really dicey there for a minute but cousin Jeffrey saved the day,” said Phillip’s daughter Samantha in an Instagram post. “I don’t even remember what we were talking about that caused the conversation to pivot to the election but I was ready for the whole day to be ruined as per usual. Thank god for cousin Jeffrey because before my dad could even get the word “illegals” out of his mouth, Jeff asked if anyone had caught up on Yellowstone. It’s like a switch flipped in all the older men of the family.”
Samantha’s brother Eric commented on his sister’s post to further praise Jeffrey’s brave actions.
“As soon as Grandpa shouted ‘those damn dems’ completely unprompted I was prepared for another classic Clark Thanksgiving of arguing and hatred. Uncle Pete started going on about America being made great again and I saw that look in Dad’s eye. We were seconds away from hearing the most racist diatribe of the year. Then BOOM, cousin Jeff brings up Yellowstone and that’s all that they would talk about. Dad, Grandpa and Uncle Pete went on about it for the rest of the night. It was like when you put a toy in front of a crying child.”
Cousin Jeffrey, the hero that he is, responded to the post with grace and humility.
“It was nothing really. The idea was actually given to me by a friend who told me that whenever their dad is about to go on a rant about something they bring up the show Reacher and it completely transfixes them. Like some sort of mental trigger. I see dad standing in front of the TV watching Yellowstone all the time so in the moment I just gave it a shot to see if bringing it up could reign them in.”
At press time, the young members of the Clark family have preemptively subscribed to Paramount+ to have Yellowstone playing on TV during Christmas.
