thehardtimes

Hard Digest November 28: Early Access Democrats, Parents, Rivers Cuomo, and More

Added 2024-11-29 01:00:04 +0000 UTC

Top Democrats Ask Netanyahu if “We’re Still Friends” After Trump Victory

WASHINGTON — House minority leader and top Democrat Hakeem Jeffries asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if they are “still friends” following Donald Trump’s presidential election victory, confirmed sources.

“We’re a match made in friendship heaven, like Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart or the Joker and Two-Face. Most foreign policy plutonic love is so superficial in today’s world––folks bond over, what? Music? Hobbies? Lifestyles? We actually came together over real shit, like our shared interests in blowing shit up in parts of the world where we don’t live,” said Jefferies while carving “Democrats + Netanyahu” in a nearby tree. “But look, even if we can’t continue this little thing of ours, you have to know that the Dems are always in their corner. We’ll always be in their life. Even just as acquaintances, who can get nostalgic over supplying the bombs to take down a group of school children and hospitals. I just hope we still receive a Christmas card from them this year.”

Prime Minister Netanyahu believed the relationship would be different with Trump returning to office.

“I won’t say friendship is off the table. But it simply won’t be the same unless they can somehow still send us billions of dollars wrapped in a neat little bow every few months that’s personalized with a handwritten message,” Netanyahu explained. “In Israel, we admittedly admire the Democrats’ remarkable ability to use their pull to help foreign powers in need. On some level, we will always be partners in war crimes. But there comes a time in all politcal regimes’ lives where they have to come to terms with the fact that they can no longer fund our wars, in which case we can remain acquaintances who sometimes see each other on the weekends at a mutual friend’s international party.”

Experts believe that foreign relationships suffer as a result of a loss in political advantages.

“Most friendships among powerful figures are strictly transactional in nature,” said political strategist Lucy Fallweather. “In this case, Israel gets the funding they need to be the sole driver of genocide and the Democrats get to look like they’re not anti-semitic. You can squeeze a ton of capital out of the left if you just prey on their need to look sanctimonious, even if most of the time they fall on their face as a result. It’s like they never learn.”

At press time, Jeffries was seen making a mixtape for Netanyahu with his favorite songs in hopes of rekindling the friendship.

Yuck! I Accidentally Walked in on My Parents Falling In Love Again

By Evan Vest

When it comes to our parents, many thoughts and feelings may come to mind. “Are they proud of me? Am I living up to their expectations? What will I do when they’re gone?” Maybe you have happy memories with your parents, or maybe there are things you want to forget. No matter what the dynamic is between you and your parents, I think we can all agree that there is one thing about our parents that we would rather not think about. I’m talking about the certain thing our parents did that led to us existing in the first place. That’s right, I’m talking about the thought of our parents falling in love! Gross!!

I mean, Yes, of course, it had to happen at least once for me to be here today. That doesn’t mean that I spend time trying to visualize it like some freak. The last thing I want to think about is my dad sliding into my mom’s tight mailbox to drop off a love letter in the middle of the night expressing his feelings. I don’t want the image of my mom wiping creamy, white whipped cream from the corner of her mouth as they enjoy a milkshake together at a diner after the school dance getting lost in one another’s eyes. I would give more graphic examples but I trust you get the point.

I’ve been in the clear of such thoughts for a long time and the thoughts of my parents creating strong emotional bonds have been hidden safely in my subconscious. That is, until it all changed one fateful visit last week.

My parents have been trapped in an icy and loveless marriage for the better part of the decade, so I naturally thought I was in the clear when I recently came to their house to do my laundry and raid their fridge without saying hello to them. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the kitchen only to find my dad lovingly kissing my mom on the cheek while they prepared dinner together. I screamed and ran out of there as fast as I could.

After contemplating scooping out my eyes with a rusty spoon, I calmed down and tried to tell myself this was a freak accident that will never happen again. Maybe they both suddenly came down with a one-day amnesia that made them forget they hate each other. Unfortunately, the past few weeks have only gotten more disgusting with each subsequent visit. I’ve heard them upstairs working as a team to reorganize the guest room. I’ve caught them in the backyard, lazily sitting side by side on the deck soaking up the sun and recalling fond memories. I hate to admit it, but I think it will only get worse from here.

While I have hope that they will once again resume barely making eye contact or talking, the future looks bleak. Just today I found out that they now have a shared Facebook profile and I think I’m going to be sick.

Bandmates Wish Rivers Cuomo Would Stop Referring to Tour Bus As “The Weezermobile”

By Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Members of Weezer expressed increasing annoyance towards lead singer Rivers Cuomo due to his insistence on referring to their tour bus as the “Weezermobile,” sources within the tour have confirmed.

“It’s all he ever talks about and we don’t know how to make him stop. I’d rather walk to the venue than have to cram in the front wit the rest of the guys, pretending we’re taking off in the Millennium Falcon yelling ‘Weezermobile, go forth!’ again. We love Rivers like a brother, but it has to stop,” said drummer Patrick Wilson. “I bit my tongue over the nine months he only wore the cowboy hat and mustache getup from Red Album, but needs to understand the bus is where we sleep and shit on the road and not some mystic bard vessel powered by the spirit of music. The guys from Dinosaur Jr. won’t even come near us in the parking lot anymore.”

Cuomo was convinced his enthusiasm would eventually rub off on the rest of the band.

“Alas, my brethren are yet to be true believers. Destiny brought this Newell P50 into our lives, and by God are we going to make the most of it. Once we install the wacky POMO interior and get the exhaust to shoot out bubbles they’ll embrace this fantastical starship of dreams,” said an enthusiastic and clueless Cuomo. “We’re gonna drive the Weezermobile around the country, playing festivals and solving mysteries with the power of rock and roll. Once the matching jumpsuits arrive the guys will truly understand my vision because we’re fooooour beeeeest frieeeeends!”

Weezer’s transportation manager privately told the band to just let Rivers’ obsession run its course.

“The guys are stressed dealing with this and trying to put on a show, but this’ll pass. Creative types sometimes go cuckoo when they’re on the road too long and they take the bonds of friendship a little too far. We call it going ‘full Partridge Family’ in the business,” said a weary Marco Bianchi. “I once worked on Pearl Jam’s bus in ‘98, and they only had one big bed and they all slept in together with matching pajamas. You either let it run its course or you sleep in the lighting truck.”

Later, the band could only look on in horror as Rivers unveiled the bus’ new paint job with “Weezermobile” and all four of their faces airbrushed on its side.

Friends of Life is Strange Fan Fear the Worst After Seeing Him in Positive Emotional State

BY Matt Fresh

CHICAGO — Local gamer Bill Clay, a noted fan of the Life is Strange series of games, has his friends fearing the worst after he’s reportedly been in a positive emotional state for several days, sources close to the situation have confirmed.

“He’s been really happy for the past few days and it has all of us worried,” said Clay’s friend John in a Bluesky post. “It’s just not like him at all so something must be really really wrong. He’s been happy before sure, but usually only on the day a Life is Strange game releases and it usually passes after an hour and he goes back to being dispirited. He’s been cheery for days, smiling, and talking about how good life is. He hasn’t solemnly muttered ‘Chloe’ once. It’s really sad to see your friend in such a dark place.”

Clay’s friends are used to him having brief bouts of happiness but after they noticed his positive emotional state had remained for days they requested a wellness check for him which they claimed was no help whatsoever.

“We called in a wellness check to help him but the cops told us he was fine and seemed normal and just left it at that.” posted Clay’s friend Holly. “It’s really bad. His playlist has completely shifted from melancholy indie folk to a pop mix. It’s so hard to see your friends like this and I would never wish it upon anyone. The Bill that we know and love is gloomy and always ready to be hurt again. He’s always talking about his memories of Arcadia Bay and grieving Rachel. But now he’s always chipper, he hasn’t wondered how Sean and Daniel are doing in days and when we uttered the phrase ‘partners in time’ he didn’t even tear up. It sucks to see your friend as a shell of who they were. We don’t know how much time he has left.”

The posts went viral among other Life is Strange fans who did their best to try and diagnose Bill so his friends can get him help before it’s too late.

“It sounds like he has Cheerful Delirium,” wrote user PriceField4Evr. “The same thing happened to me a couple years ago when I listened to ‘D.A.N.C.E.’ too many times in a row. It put me in a delirious state where I forgot about the bittersweet sadness of life. You need to bring his mind back before it’s too late but you have to ease him in. Show him a blue butterfly, take a polaroid picture, say ‘hella’ and he’ll snap back.”

At press time, Bill’s friends say that they’re hopeful he will make a full recovery after he broke down crying upon seeing a picture of Oregon.